He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

[SevenSeconds]

Look, OP, none of us can predict the future. It may be that he never cheats on you and the two of you live happily ever after.

It's just a lot less likely to happen with a serial adulterer. And if he does cheat on you sometime in the future, a little voice in your head will be saying "on some level, I knew this would happen".

[Gabilan]

He's still separated rather than divorced so marriage isn't an option for us yet.

Why isn't he divorced? Who is it that is negotiating what? You've been together nearly two years so that's time enough to get divorced so long as no-one's being an argumentative tosspot

It's entirely possible for someone who isn't generally a bastard to cheat. We all make mistakes. We change, we mature, we become more responsible. The trouble is, nothing that you say about this man makes it sound as if he is accepting responsibility and changing. Serial adultery over a period of years with various women? Not keen on you to start with but now living with you. Not exactly hurrying with the divorce.

If in the long term OP you want marriage and kids, then I would run for the hills.

[Isetan]

He admits he could have done more, so why didn't he? Why was it his wife's (legally she isn't an Ex wife) behaviour that resulted in a stale marriage? Wouldn't have changing his behaviour been a fantastic opportunity to demonstrate his willingness to improve the marriage? But no, because his needs rather than their marriage, was his priority.

You're having trouble because your initial acceptance that he was for the most part the victim of an intractable wife doesn't quite sit right when despite behaving similarly, you don't view your friends Ex the same way.

It's difficult to detect his remorse from all the blame and justification he's spouted for his deceit. Hopefully your friend will get over herself pretty soon, so your uncomfortableness can end and you can go back to thinking that always 'being up for it' will have a force field effect around his dick.

[cremeeggboycotter]

Creme the issues with his wife were over a long period of time. He didn't go elsewhere at the first sign of trouble. I don't feel at all like I need to work at keeping him interested. We're very compatible.

Sounds like he pretty much did. She was shocked so he obviously didn't communicate these issues, he either ignored and hid from them or couldn't be bothered and chose shagging instead.

You've been together nearly 2 years and he's still married to her. Be very wary OP. I hope in a year you aren't posting about being in the same position, or worse realising that actually he prefers shagging around to communication.

I hope your friend is okay.

[whattheseithakasmean]

People can do bad things, sadly. My mum cheated on my dad & generally behaved appallingly. Over 20 years later, I have a good relationship with her, but that doesn't make her behaviour OK or right. It just means that people are complex and multi faceted rather than 'good' or 'bad' stereotypes.

I think learning the art of accepting and forgiving people's fallibility is a life lesson we all have to come to (certainly where my family are concerned...). I guess time alone will tell if your new partner is a keeper - there are no certainties.

[SevenSeconds]

OP, do you have any DC of your own? Do you want any?

You mention that you're a lot younger than your DP, and he's had the snip. If you want to have DC of your own I'm worried about wasting your fertile years with this guy who can't even be bothered to get divorced from his wife for you.

Please ignore me if kids aren't in your life plan.

[Crazyqueenofthecatladies]

Don't ever 'need' this man OP, because when times are tough, you are ill, stressed, wrung out and exhausted he will be cheating on you and telling the other woman it was all your fault for letting things grow stale. It's who he is, he's just waiting for you to fail him. And I totally agree with other posters that if he had the time and emotional energy to be constantly pursuing ridiculous affairs he had the time and energy to support his wife and give her a break during the hardest years of a woman's life - which if you remain childfree you'll be blissfully ignorant about but if you want to be with him that's for the best - he needs to be the centre of any relationship so he has to be your child. If he'd been a decent father, his marriage could have worked but being a good father and pulling his weight is harder work than shagging women naive enough to believe he was a catch.
In other words, run.

[ComeDownToMe]

Lweji it wasn't just the lack of sex but the whole loss of intimacy. They didn't cuddle up on the sofa, if he tried to put his arms round her for a kiss and a cuddle in or out of bed she'd normally push him away.

He gave me a general idea of how it was but I didn't want to know how often they had sex.

He didn't cheat on her constantly. He had the odd fling here and there.

His not being divorced yet is not an excuse to not commit to me. He'll be divorced within a couple of months, it does take time to get divorced. An open relationship isn't something I would consider.

Where it's been very hard seeing my friend in such a bad way and I am finding it very difficult equating my own life with it.

[Duckdeamon]

I wonder what his (almost) ex wife's side of the story is here!

Or the now adult DC who lives far away.

[Duckdeamon]

Classic cheater's script: not only little sex, no cuddles! The poor wee man!

[ComeDownToMe]

Seven 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you' was what I thought before. It doesn't sit right with me now with all that's happened.

Duck he is a good father.

Do he did try and keep his marriage together, his wife understandably slung him out. He didn't walk out on his kids, he feels a lot of guilt for the hurt he's caused them.

I have realised what my DP did is the same as what my friend's ex did. It's the reason I posted because it's brought it into very sharp focus for me. I know I can't differentiate between them because it's my DP and seeing my friend's pain is really hard to bear.

[ComeDownToMe]

Goddess I'm know she's technically still his wife until they're divorced.

We are renting our house but will be buying when he's divorced. Is is true if he died his wife could stop me going to the funeral. Seriously!? WTF!

He is nearly divorced, it's not a question of him wanting to stay married to her. There's no point, it just takes time that is all.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Over a decade of screwing other women, still trying it on with his wife, still coming home and playing happy families, he did it so well she was shocked when she found out. Lying, lying, lying for all those years.

She will certainly have known that he was giving his time to something other than the family. What story did he spin? Workaholic? Hobbies?

He must be an amazingly good liar.

Or good at picking gullible women.

Or both.

How much younger are you?

[BertrandRussell]

"Do he did try and keep his marriage together"

No he didn't. He slept with other women for something like 15 years. If he wanted to keep his marriage together, he wouldn't have done that. Because decent, honourable men don't do that. I'm sorry to be brutal, but I am old enough to be your mother, and he is using a script I have heard so many times over a long life. They always say "oh, it wasn't just the sex, I missed the intimacy" And they always say "It's different with you- I have no reason to stray". The first is blaming his ex wife- the second is getting ready to blame you. You won't believe this- so all I can say is make sure you keep your money and independence. Don't give up work, or buy a house with him- protect yourself. And for the love of God, don't have children with him.

[thehypocritesoaf]

Op, you've taken our negativity v well and you do sound like a lovely friend/partner. He's a lucky man.
I wish you best of luck in the future.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

So if you stopped cuddling your do do you think it would be fine if he shagged someone else?

Also if you did stop cuddling your dp don't you think there might be a reason that you'd stopped feeling so loving towards him? Reasons for which he also may have to take some responsibility?? If you felt taken for granted, etc you probably wouldn't feel very cuddly.

[ComeDownToMe]

Bertrand his wife hasn't been difficult about the divorce although it's obviously difficult for both of them. It's not been too long really and isn't an issue.

Seven I think we're good together and so does he. He wouldn't have cheated on his wife if they'd been happily married.

I know there's risks involved with his history but equally I don't want to wonder what might have been and our relationship is good. But you are right if he did cheat on me I can't be too shocked.

Gabilan they split up last year so it's not been that long in terms of getting divorced.

He's not generally a bastard, he's a good bloke but I accept his past means fidelity isn't a strong point.

Having kids isn't top of my list but I would like to get married in the future. I don't want to run for the hills but I would probably be giving the same advice to anyone else.

[bittapitta]

I can tell you don't have kids OP. How can you not connect the wife's lack of time for herself with the lack of intimacy/sex/general closeness. Everything you've described makes it sounds like she was doing 90-100% of childcare which is exhausting. Cuddling on the sofa or sex is not "me time". She needed time off alone, he needed to pull his weight to give her that. Sounds like he got plenty of " me time " (for shagging around). She was probably telling herself things would improve in her married relationship as the kids got older and she got some time back to recharge. And this is based on what he told you so imagine what it was really like!

[mylovelylife]

When people have an affair or a fling they are often withdrawn to their partner.You really don't know if he had a fling, started to eye up other women, withdrew from her and then she found it hard to be affectionate to him.I just don't find it credible that it was her behaviour that made him seek out flings..its more likely he wanted excitement.

There are more red flags here..your choice to listen or not.I appreciate you think you know him but I guess his wife did as well.

[Lweji]

He could be telling the absolute truth, but my ex might be saying the same thing. I pushed him away because every cuddle was about sex.
I hope it's not the case for you.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Back to your original question

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

You resolve it by admitting to yourself that your DP was a lying cheating bastard for 10-15 years until he was finally caught (or she decided not to forgive this time). That will be painful because you have swallowed the oldest lines in the book hook line and sinker.

Perhaps he won't behave that way with you. Perhaps if he gets bored of you, he'll do the honourable thing and leave instead of cheating.

By the way, do you split household stuff 50:50 with him? I mean, if one day he chose to leave you and to live alone, would his home workload increase?

[AyeAmarok]

Oh dear OP. You're so deluded that I almost feel sorry for you.

His relationship with his wife was go good that he married her. That you think he would never do this to you because at the minute you have a good sex life and your relationship is so good is so naive I don't know what to say.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Woah now! You've been together 2 years but he and his wife split up last year. So you are the OW? Is that why he wasn't too keen to begin with?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You sound very young OP. Are you in your twenties? Have you had a long term relationship before? Ever dated a much older divorcee before?

[LyndaNotLinda]

So he was seeing you before his marriage ended. Oh dear