He's not a bastard but he's behaved like he is. Confused.

[ComeDownToMe]

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. We live together and it's great. We get on fantastically, he's witty, engaging, kind, supportive. The sex is amazing and we enjoy each other's company.

It started out as a casual relationship and I had a lot stronger feelings for him than he did me. But we ended up spending a lot more time together and grew a lot closer and our relationship turned serious.

The thing is one of my closest friends recently discovered her DH (now STBXH) was cheating on her and I've seen at first hand how broken she has been. Her ex has been an utter cunt and makes my blood boil.

My DP cheated on his then wife and she slung him out so I know everything I've said about my friend's ex I could equally say about my DP. I didn't feel good about this before but it's even worse now.

Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love.

I will probably be criticised for this and rightly so but I wasn't particularly judgemental on men having affairs before as long as no one got hurt. Now I've seen the hurt it feels a bit different.

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.

How do I resolve this in my own mind.

[Scarydinosaurs]

OP has already said she wasn't the OW.

My DH cheated on his last GF, with me, and I cheated on my husband.

I could try and justify it to you all, I could give reasonable explanations and attempt to make it right, but deep down I know it makes me a shit person, and my DH a shit person. I will say, I left my ExDH the day after I kissed my now DH, and I had previously tried to fix things, but my ExDH was insisting upon a platonic marriage, previously not agreed. I was 26 and wanted children. My now DH was in a complicated relationship, he had been breaking up with her and she was very reluctant to 'allow' him. He eventually managed it, we didn't speak for several months whilst he sorted it out, and then once they'd split we slowly started dating.

But it was still a shit thing to do, our friendship crossed into something more, and we both had to step back, sort out our relationships, give it time, and then think about ourselves. No children involved.

Even now, years on, we have two children and I have niggling worries about him cheating. It is a shit way to begin a relationship, and I will always pay for that shitiness because I will never have peace of mind. I love my DH, and majority of the time I don't worry- but I do worry.

[Caprinihahahaha]

"Can men really compartmentalise to such a degree they don't think about how much hurt they would cause someone they love. "

Umm. Of course. Everyone can compartmentalise. Look at how you have made your friends DH a cunt but, in exactly the same circumstances, your man is not even a bastard.

You have wrapped your partners behaviour up in a sugar coated way to make it different and therefore excusable.

He has told you that he will be faithful to you right up to the point where you give him a 'reason' to stray. So you be sure to be endlessly, relentless fun and exciting or it will be your fault if he then has to fuck around.

[Lweji]

scary
Nobody can be sure their relationship lasts forever. The best we can hope for is honesty.
Of course your oh could have left his ex any time. He mostly needed some guts. But he did leave her and not because he was caught. Possibly the question for you is whether he really tried to end it with her or not.
But I can understand when people fall for each other while still in another relationship.
In he op's case he thought he could have his cake. And he's not even sorry.

[DrMorbius]

I don't think of my DP as a bastard but he's done a lot worse than my friend's ex and I've called my friend's ex every name under the fucking sun.
How do I resolve this in my own mind

Op - your DP is not a bastard. He is a man who married. Married...that means he committed himself to one person, to forsake all others and all the legal, moral and (possibly) religious implications that is a marriage. He entered this union of his own choice and to such an extent that DC's were conceived.

Then at some point he thought it was OK to completly disregard his promises and his committments. To lie and to cheat the people that should have been central to his life. The people that should have been able to count on him as their number one supporter. Worse.. he did this at a time when his DW was struggling with DC's.
I am not even going to go too far down the road that at the very time his DW probably needed him most, he checked out of his marriage in order to get his rocks off. (I am going to assume it wasn't the greatest love affair of all time, as they are no longer together)

There are a lot of emotionally intelligent and articulate people of this forum. But the simple truth is, no one knows why he did it or will he do it again. For me your only hope of understanding; would be to sit down with this person and ask why he did it, in excruciatingly forensic detail. (why he thought it was OK; to cheat, to abandon his marriage, to put his DW at risk, to put his DC's at risk etc etc.

I don't know if he will answer you or convince you with his answers, but in truth; until you really understand why he did it you have zero chance of predicting if he will do it again.

[differentnameforthis]

OP has already said she wasn't the OW.

I haven't seen her say that, so thank you for clarifying it.

[Scarydinosaurs]

different sorry, that was very blunt of me. She hasn't explicitly said it but implied it in her first and subsequent posts, on re-reading I guess it's a fair question. It just sounds like she met him once his marriage broke up.

lew I do know he had several conversations telling her he wanted to leave, but he lacked the conviction to do so. During this time we weren't in contact, and I was quite angry that he didn't just do it straight away. Even after they'd broken up, it took me a long time to decide to give the relationship a go. I am under no delusions that he was a coward, and could have left if he wanted to.

As it was, she eventually did come round to the idea, they split amicably, she's happy now and married with a baby. I don't know if that makes it any better. It is still a shit thing to do to someone.

[differentnameforthis]

Scarydinosaurs No worries...op hasn't posted enough re dates & timeline, so I wasn't sure...I did ask before, but didn't see a reply.

[thehypocritesoaf]

Well, sometimes the nicest people behave like shits. Surely this is a lesson one learns very early on. I'm sure you used to like your bf's husband. He is now behaving like a shit. It doesn't mean he is universally a bad son, a bad father, a bad friend, a bad colleague, etc, etc.

Like PP's I would be worried that your DP hasn't really worked out what he did and why. You also seem quite complacent about it, it comes across as: "well, his DW should have paid him more attention - I'll not make that mistake."

He says things are different with you. Are things different with him though? Doesn't sound like it.

[Saltedcaramel4]

Just because the wife doesn't know about a secretive affair, it doesn't mean it's not damaging to the relationship. Married men who have affairs are the opposite of healthy/supporting/loyal/trusting/open/honest. A relationship can't be truly full and meaningful if a mans heart/balls are elsewhere.

[Saltedcaramel4]

However time can help people reflect and reconsider their behaviour.

[Saltedcaramel4]

I know you're not the other woman but his history would make it hard to trust him fully. He would have to earn my trust over time.

[ComeDownToMe]

Lonny I would rather he was truthful with me than making up a load of fucking bollocks to make it more palatable. Obviously it's not something any of us would have chosen but life doesn't pan out the way you expect it to. Sorry about your DM's diagnosis.

Creme the issues with his wife were over a long period of time. He didn't go elsewhere at the first sign of trouble. I don't feel at all like I need to work at keeping him interested. We're very compatible.

Hop I don't know how you deduce I'm cold and uncaring. I hope I'm the complete opposite. I didn't colour my opinion of a man because he'd cheated. It doesn't mean I didn't think it was wrong though.

[ComeDownToMe]

Joy obviously I've seen threads on here from women who've been cheated on; you can't go on here and not see them unfortunately. I do try and avoid the obvious cheating ones as they are uncomfortable to read.

Lavender I have been there for my friend and haven't involved my own issues. She has enough to deal with sadly.

[ComeDownToMe]

It's great between us but I know there will be downs as well as ups. The difference is we're on the same page and we talk to each other openly. I 'get' him and we both think sex is an important part of a relationship.

This is not a criticism of his wife but they hardly did anything as a couple. It was all about the kids, they were his priority too but she pushed him away a lot. I think they had sex now and again but nothing in between. He said he missed the physical closeness of being with a responsive partner and the intimacy of being a couple. He did try and talk to her but nothing changed.

[ComeDownToMe]

AF I never said I excused the cheating, it is always wrong. But I can understand the frustration and rejection of being continually knocked back and feeling like he was getting nowhere when he tried to talk to her. I think most people have an expectation of a reasonably healthy sex life when they get married and want to be physically close to their spouse.

There's plenty of threads on here about women in marriages where the sex is infrequent and how rejected they feel. Why is it different if it's a bloke.

Would he have been less of a bastard if he'd walked out on his wife and kids rather than keeping the marriage together and giving his kids a happy and stable upbringing.

[ComeDownToMe]

Meg I'm not confused about my relationship. I know there's a few red flags waving but he treats me great, we get on brilliantly and we're very settled together.

It's just knowing my friend's ex is a fucking bastard and knowing he's done no worse than my DP. Seeing my friend so broken and knowing my DP did the same to another woman.

Obviously my DP told me how devastated his wife was and I felt really dreadful hearing it but seeing someone continually upset with my own eyes, as my friend has been, makes it all to real and I'm finding it hard knowing his wife must be the same.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Yes, he would have been less of a bastard if he'd left rather than having a bit of excitement elsewhere because his relationship had gone stale.

Honesty in relationships is always better - I agree with you there. So you're contradicting yourself - on the one hand, you're saying you want absolute honestly from him but on the other, it was better that his wife didn't know because 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you'. Which is it?

And always remember you're only getting one side of the story. Real relationships are a lot more complex than 'my wife didn't understand me, paid me no attention and wouldn't have sex, so I was lonely and bored and had an affair'.

I wonder how long he and his wife were together before they had kids? What's the age difference between you incidentally?

[differentnameforthis]

This is not a criticism of his wife but they hardly did anything as a couple. It was all about the kids, they were his priority too but she pushed him away a lot. I think they had sex now and again but nothing in between. He said he missed the physical closeness of being with a responsive partner and the intimacy of being a couple. He did try and talk to her but nothing changed.

I am assuming that she told you this too? Only, once again, many men looking to cheat say that!

[thehypocritesoaf]

Ah now I am confused. I thought he had an affair because - it was no stings fun as the marriage had gone stale. He wanted a bit of excitement
Now it is that he was in a sex-less marriage, had tried everything but still was being constantly rejected/nothing worked.
I wonder which version is true.

You also said that he had done a lot worse than your friend's op has. How?

[Lweji]

Would he have been less of a bastard if he'd walked out on his wife and kids rather than keeping the marriage together and giving his kids a happy and stable upbringing.

Actually, yes. He didn't have to walk out on his kids. I suspect they felt almost as betrayed as his wife. Also, a terrible example to give as a father.

And he could have contracted and STI and passed it on to his wife.

[Lweji]

Obviously my DP told me how devastated his wife was and I felt really dreadful hearing it

Does he feel dreadful about how devastated his wife was?

[AnyFucker]

Op, as this thread has progressed you have virtually rewritten his part in the demise of his marriage. You are doing all his dirty work for him !

There is an awful lot of magical thinking going on here. If you weren't the OW, you are certainly spouting all the delusional shit that they have to lobotomise themselves with to explain away the truly shitty behaviour of the deceitful fucker they have thrown their lot in with.

[ComeDownToMe]

Lynda I would prefer he was honest with me. I wasn't talking about my own relationship when I said 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you' more other people cheating.

I think they were together about 6 years before they had kids. He's quite a lot older than me.

Different I only have his version of events.

[Lweji]

How old were the kids when they separated, and when he started cheating?

[ComeDownToMe]

thehypocrite he never said his marriage was sexless, more she wasn't too interested and she didn't pay him much attention and it didn't happen too often.

As a result of this they weren't too close and lost a lot of intimacy and it went stale and there was little excitement in the marriage for him. This is his version of how it was.

He's done worse than my friend's ex because he'd cheated with more than one woman.