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Original poster

Having another baby against DP's will

173 replies

mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:04

We have two children, I want another and DP doesn't. He feels two are enough, he's getting older etc.

We had a serious talk about it and I explained how important it was to me and I didn't want to accept I wouldn't have another baby.

I feel like DP has basically taken this as a threat. He has said he doesn't want to lose his kids and if agreeing to have another baby is necessary to keep our family together then he'd do it.

I really want a baby but I don't want to threaten my DP into it Sad But at the same time I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face and give up on something I want.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2015 15:06

You already have 2 and your DH does NOT want any more.
Please listen to him. He will resent you if you just go ahead.
It's a massive decision and you both need to be fully 100% on board.
If he's not then you can't go ahead.
How old are you both?
How old are your other children?

Moonatic · 10/09/2015 15:10

Where does "cutting off your nose to spite your face" come in to it?

Chippednailvarnish · 10/09/2015 15:11

That's a really unpleasant way to treat him. Seriously.
What you want is secondary to what is best for your family. It's not all about you.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2015 15:11

I will be watching this thread with interest.

Me and DH have a son who is 17 months. Prior to having DS we said we'd only ever have one but for the last 9-10 months I've been feeling that I would like a second. DH is pretty adamant he doesn't want another.

We've spoken about it a few times and he does know another baby is something I would like a few years down the line and he's made a few comments like, "well if you want one then it looks we're having one" (not said in a positive time) and "Well if that's what you want then I suppose I just have to go along with it" etc etc

I know if I really pushed it he would agree but I don't want a baby that isn't 100% wanted by both of us, but nor do I want to miss out on having a second baby that I am actually 'permitted' to have.

It's so difficult.

MissFitt68 · 10/09/2015 15:11

What if when you have 3 you want to even it up with a 4th?
Or if you have twins?

Bellebella · 10/09/2015 15:14

You can't have another baby if your oh does not want one. Concentrate on getting over your disappointment and enjoying the two children you have already.

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 10/09/2015 15:17

I genuinely sympathise-I did want a third and DH said no, he really didn't. This is such a stark choice, but I think either parent has to have a veto. If you can't agree you shouldn't have another. It's not really fair on the third child to be so controversial to his/her parents.

I have adjusted to having 2. It gets better as my two get older and I enjoy life getting easier. I don't blame DH at all. We just had a different idea of what was best for all of us. I also recognise that a part of me will always be broody (and would still have been if I'd had a third), because that's natural. I do love small babies.

I hope you work it out.

ouryve · 10/09/2015 15:20

Would you really want to sacrifice your relationship for a baby? A baby that will be a baby for a year then will grow into a child most likely with its parents estranged from each other?

Your DP does not want to be a father to another child. You already have 2 children to consider. The ironic thing is that, if you went ahead against your partner's will, you'd be demonstrating that you're too fucked up to be a parent to yet another child.

KinkyAfro · 10/09/2015 15:20

What about what your DH wants? Do his feelings not matter?

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2015 15:22

OP - how old is your partner? My DH is also using his age as a reason not to have another as apparently he's too old to do it all again, he doesn't want to be an old dad etc etc... Confused

goddessofsmallthings · 10/09/2015 15:23

Why is it so "important" to you to have another child? If you have one, will you want another baby when that dc has grown and so on until you have 5 or more dc?

How old are your 2 dc? Are you well-placed financially to have another and will you easily be able to raise 3 dc as a single parent if your dp subsequently decides that he cannot continue to live with a woman who coerced him into having a dc he didn't want?

The fact that your dp has perceived the way in which you've presented your desire for another dc as a threat should be fair warning to you that you may be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you get what you want by overriding his objections.

Floggingmolly · 10/09/2015 15:23

against DP's will... Does that phrase not indicate how you really, really shouldn't contemplate this? If not, why not?

FattyNinjaOwl · 10/09/2015 15:28

Ridiculous. You absolutely should not have another child if you want to keep your relationship.
I have 3. Their dad would happily go on to have a couple more, he loves children and being a dad. But, he is having the snip. Because I don't want anymore. Because if I was to get pregnant again I would have to terminate, and that would destroy me to have to do that. Because if I go through with another pregnancy I will completely knacker myself up. So he has put aside his desire for a large family, to do what is best for us now. You have to think about the family you already have, not the family you want.

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 10/09/2015 15:29

I think I read your OP to mean:

You want another baby
DP doesn't
DP thinks that you'll leave if you don't have another, and has agreed on that basis
You don't want to force him in to it
You would rather be with him (and the family you have) than lose him and have another baby

If that's right, could you not just explain that it isn't a threat? That you really want another, but you will come to terms with it if he really doesn't. Then he can make his own mind up, knowing how strongly you feel, but without feeling threatened.

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:40

I'm 30, DP is almost 40 so he does feel his age is an issue. DC are 5 and 1.5.

Honestly I can't say that I wouldn't want a 4th if we had a 3rd. In truth I probably do want 4.

OP posts:
Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 16:07

He is a very good dad and loves the DC, so I feel sure he would come round to another one once it was here.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2015 16:08

My DH has only just turned 33 Confused

Two would definitely be my limit Grin I'm hoping he will change his mind and realise that he wants another one too...

goddessofsmallthings · 10/09/2015 16:24

Do you both work and how are you placed financially for more than 2 dc?

Apart from what you've spent on baby equipment/clothing, the cost of raising dc hasn't yet kicked in and you need to give consideration to 3 or 4 x school uniforms, school trips, christmas/birthday presents, outings, holidays, clothing, beds/bedding, increasing food bills, university fees/living expenses, weddings etc etc to say nothing of needing a bigger property and cars to fit everyone in.

Unless he's loaded, the prospect of forking out for 3 or 4 dc is enough to make a strong man quail. Could you manage it without living on the poverty line? Having to watch every penny is no fun and can easily suck the joy out of life.

DrMorbius · 10/09/2015 16:28

He is a very good dad and loves the DC, so I feel sure he would come round to another one once it was here

Since when did you get to decide something of this magnitude for your DP???

Your DP doesn't want any more DC's that his right.

If you want more DC's find someone else that does.

goddessofsmallthings · 10/09/2015 16:29

I feel sure he would come round to another one once it was here

That is NOT good enough. Unless your dp expressly wants another dc it would be most unfair of you to foist one on him and, more especially, while you know full well you wouldn't want to stop at one more.

SmugairleRoin · 10/09/2015 16:31

If he doesn't want another you can't have another - his feelings on this matter as much as yours.
You don't get to decide this for him.
"He would come around" Hmm Thats really what you want for a dc? Ideally a baby should be wanted and loved, not just having parents "come around" and tolerate it.

quesadillas6 · 10/09/2015 16:32

And, repeating what someone said above, what if it's twins? Suddenly there's double the number of children your DP wanted. It would be unfair to put that on him.

Duckdeamon · 10/09/2015 16:33

MN consensus is usually that the person not wanting DC gets a veto, which seems fair here.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 10/09/2015 16:34

If you think he'll come round once it's here then you deserve what you get, do not get pregnant if he is not 100% on board.

Chippednailvarnish · 10/09/2015 16:34

You're not sounding like you care what he thinks.