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Original poster

Having another baby against DP's will

173 replies

mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:04

We have two children, I want another and DP doesn't. He feels two are enough, he's getting older etc.

We had a serious talk about it and I explained how important it was to me and I didn't want to accept I wouldn't have another baby.

I feel like DP has basically taken this as a threat. He has said he doesn't want to lose his kids and if agreeing to have another baby is necessary to keep our family together then he'd do it.

I really want a baby but I don't want to threaten my DP into it But at the same time I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face and give up on something I want.

OP posts:

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 11/09/2015 19:59

In that case I'd still stay stall ttc. This isn't a stress free happy time for a mother to be at all.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 11/09/2015 20:40

Other than disagreeing on a 3rd dc does your relationship actually make you happy? Perhaps it's just your posting style but you seem pretty detached.

EasyToEatTiger · 11/09/2015 20:51

It may be worth bearing in mind that should you go your separate ways, unless the house is in your name, your dp is only liable (if he can afford it) to keep a roof over the heads of the children until the youngest is 18.

Hulababy · 11/09/2015 21:05

In some ways we are quite different people and want different things

I don't think your relationship is currently in the right state to contemplate any more children right now tbh. I think you would be better sorting out the issues, which you indicate towards on this thread, within your relationship before even considering more babies. If you are in a place where you are already considering the relatinship not lasting, why have another child; another child who would have to cope with the upset and stresses of their parents splitting up.

Cockbollocks · 11/09/2015 21:19

DC2 is still quite young, can you wait a bit?

I wanted 3 children but DP didn't, after a lot of asking I made my peace with the fact he didn't want another. I love my partner and would never want to push him into anything - I had 2 beautiful and was grateful for them and our family unit.

Then last year he suggested another. So I now have 3 beautiful children!!! A happy ending for me but I can honestly say if he hadn't changed is mind I had accepted that, I think you need to seriously look at how a third good potentially blow your family apart and whether that is REALLY ok.

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 00:42

The choice of which contraception a couple decide together to use is a totally different conversation from the choice to plan to have a baby.

I disagree

If my husband wanted another and I didnt then I wouldnt expect him to agree to use contraception, he doesnt want to use it! I would take the onto myself as I am the one who wishes to prevent a pregnancy. I would probably choose to be sterilised.

In this case it is the husband who doesnt want a child so he must be the one to prevent the pregnancy occurring. What is outrageous is expecting a woman who doesnt want to pump her body full of chemicals, to do so in order to prevent a pregnancy because her husbands says she should!

He doesnt want a baby? Then he uses condoms or accepts that a baby may happen.

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 00:46

The OP and her DP need to decide together what contraception choices they will make because they have not agreed as a couple to have a baby!

Again, no.

The OP has made her stance clear on hormonal contraceptives (one that many women on MN agree with) and also the copper coil. That leaves condoms. So if he doesnt want a baby then he must use them. Not agreeing to have a baby is in no way the same as agreeing to not have one.

BrockAuLit · 12/09/2015 02:03

It sounds as though you are far more committed to making the right number of children happen, than making a successful partnership and father-child relationship happen.

I'm not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad thing; many women go ahead with sperm donors or are single parents, and many of them would claim they have raised happy children and are happy themselves. Who am I to judge.

But you need to be fair in your dealings, and you DP needs to be fair to you too. You need to draw the line somewhere and so does he. A child is not something you can fudge or bluster through. The potential for long term bitterness is huge, and the risk to an innocent child is too great.

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2015 08:01

OP is your partner using contraception?

QueenofCardigans · 12/09/2015 08:41

OP you sound as if you want a third child and wouldn't be bothered if your relationship ended just do long as you have that baby. What happens if you split up and then get the desire for a fourth? Have you considered your other children in all of this? I do think that you're getting a lot of grief on this thread but you don't seem to have considered the consequences of having a third and potentially splitting and what that would do to your existing children?

We had difficult conversations re number three but it was dh who was really keen, me less so. We do have 3 but it's bloody hard, tiring work and I was terrified about the impact a baby would have on the family. In the end it's worked out fine but only because both of us were committed to having a third.

Neither your or dh feelings trump the other and unfortunately it sounds as if resentment could brew on either side. Just please consider your other two dc in all of this and whether you'd potentially split up the family in order to have your longed for baby.

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 10:35

bogey I agree completely

annoyedofnorwich · 12/09/2015 11:10

Is the thing about wanting another at 18 months because of hormones actually true? Interested to know as I have one- 18 months. Feel like I would like another but OH says no. Hoping this will pass if it's a hormone thing!

WeAllHaveWings · 12/09/2015 19:16

Bogey obviously me and my dh must be abnormal as we discuss these things and come to a mutual decision.

I never said the OP needs to pump her body full of hormonal contraceptives. I said they should discuss and agree and if OP doesn't wish to use the pill, or whatever else, they decide what is best for them as a couple and that may be condoms. Sod all to do with who does or doesn't want a baby.

ScarletRuby · 13/09/2015 01:35

I think the op contraception decision is linked to be wanting another child and I don't think she's being fair by forcing her DP to either wait condoms or be abstinate.

For the record of my DP announced that the only method of contraception he would use is condoms I would leave him.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2015 01:44

Bogey obviously me and my dh must be abnormal as we discuss these things and come to a mutual decision.

Thats the point though! They are mid discussion, they havent come to a mutual decision about anything, each party is still entrenched in their corner so as it stands, the OP isnt using anything as another pregnancy would be welcomed by her, therefore the DP will have to take that onto himself until such an agreement is reached.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2015 01:49

I don't think she's being fair by forcing her DP to either wait condoms or be abstinate.

Why is it unfair to say that you dont want to put hormones into your body or have a metal device placed into your uterus? I wont do either of those things and I do not want anymore children. It isnt forcing him to use anything, merely saying that she is not going to use these methods and that leaves condoms, abstinence or going without and keeping his fingers crossed.

I have seen more than one thread on MN where the DH refused to use condoms and then went bananas when a pregnancy occurred who got very short shrift from MNers for not taking charge of his fertility. The phrase "he knew what could happen when he had sex" has been bandied about many times.

The OP isnt going to use those methods for good reason. He doesnt want another child so that leaves condoms, vasectomy or going without, I dont see that that is unfair. Anymore than it would be if he said he wanted a baby and wouldnt use condoms, thus leaving the OP to think through her options for birth control.

LieselVonTwat · 13/09/2015 08:37

ScarletRuby are you basically saying OP ought to use a method of contraception she doesn't want or she's somehow being unfair then? Personally I love my Pill more than life itself, but fuck me, that's horrifying. Like she owes him the ability to have condom free sex. She doesn't. Also, your description of a woman setting parameters about the sort of sex she's willing to have as 'forcing' is wrong on a number of levels.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 13/09/2015 09:00

Scarlet, what other method of contraception is you (male) dp going to use, other than condoms? I don't know of other forms of contraception for men?
Or do you mean he can insist that his (female) dp takes charge of it?

lougle · 13/09/2015 09:04

When DD2 was small DH would say 'she's probably our last...' and I would get quite upset that he could unilaterally make that judgement. After some time, we had DD3. Then we both agreed that we were 'probably' done. Now DD3 is 6 and I am quite certain that I have had enough babies and I think DH is too. There is a urge in me to protect myself from pregnancy as strongly as there was an urge to facilitate pregnancy when we were hoping for a baby. I wouldn't abort (faith based) if I were to fall pregnant but I think there would be a whole lot of tears for a while!

I wouldn't be without DD3 for all the tea in China and I couldn't choose which of my 3DDs I'd 'not have', but I know life would be easier with 2. I don't regret 3, but I do think that if one parent is ambivalent then it's wiser to stick to 2.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 13/09/2015 09:13

In this case, the male should protect himself well and opt for the vasectomy.

It's quite clear following a condom failure, the OP is very very unlikely to take the MAP and so this is the only way to fully protect himself.

The relationship may naturally end though, lack of trust over contraception is not a small thing neither is being pressured to do something you don't want.

Not to mention there would be a child at the centre of it if the OP gets her way.

Original poster

mabythesea · 13/09/2015 15:06

I have been relying on the same form on contraception (none) for the last 8 years ScarletRuby so am not making a "decision" about it

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 13/09/2015 15:37

Bogey if they are mid discussion about whether to start trying for another baby then the status quo stands and a mutual decision on contraception choices is required.

Anything else would frankly be selfish, immature and disrespectful to a partner someone professes to love enough to want to have a 3rd child with. No wonder relationships fail with these self centred attitudes!

Rainuntilseptember15 · 13/09/2015 16:00

So are you going by dates etc? And will you stick to checking for fertile periods and letting him know?
(I am assuming the method used is fairly successful if you've only had two dcs in 8 years).

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