Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having another baby against DP's will

173 replies

mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:04

We have two children, I want another and DP doesn't. He feels two are enough, he's getting older etc.

We had a serious talk about it and I explained how important it was to me and I didn't want to accept I wouldn't have another baby.

I feel like DP has basically taken this as a threat. He has said he doesn't want to lose his kids and if agreeing to have another baby is necessary to keep our family together then he'd do it.

I really want a baby but I don't want to threaten my DP into it Sad But at the same time I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face and give up on something I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 19:43

I haven't said that I would find someone else to have a baby with.

He also isn't my DH, his choice.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 10/09/2015 19:52

How are you planning on getting pregnant against his will anyway? By 'forgetting' to take the pill or by telling him you'll leave if he doesn't have another child with you?

TeaAddict235 · 10/09/2015 19:54

I too, am another one who doesn't think that it is fair that you are being treated so harshly OP.

Before you began to have children, what number did you and DH agree on? Has he gone back on his original number by chance? How did he react to learning that a 3rd DC is so important to you? Does he perhaps need time?

I wouldn't say to get pregnant against his will, but rather give it time and approach it again. Just as much as it is his right to say 'no', it is your right to discuss this.

All the best

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/09/2015 20:00

I haven't said that I would find someone else to have a baby with

That's exactly what one of your posts insinuated.

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 20:02

We never discussed or agreed on a number. He's always known I want a big family. I wanted DC2 when DC1 was about 18 months, and we agreed to wait another year. Tbh DP would probably have been happy to stick with 1.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 10/09/2015 20:16

The very fact that you keep saying "I want" shows you as being very selfish. Family life isn't about what you want.

oldaninpurple · 10/09/2015 20:20

I don't understand how a desire to have another child can be a 'deal breaker' in a relationship but that's just me. You are part of a family and a partnership, I tend to think that negotiation, compromise and sacrifice are part of all successful relationships.

What's your motivation for having another child? I only ask because you could always consider fostering - it would give you a third person to care for and nurture and wouldn't be an irreversible permanent change to both your lives, particularly if you were to offer short term foster care which I understand is seriously lacking in availability... Much easier to find a long term foster placement.

Is your need for a third strong enough for you to find someone else to have another baby with because you can't force someone to have a child they don't want. Coercion and manipulation is pretty low and probably won't have the best impact on your marriage - or your existing children's lives

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/09/2015 20:21

Mabythesea'- if you end up having a third child against yournOH's wishes (even if he agrees because he doesn't want you to leave him), how do,you think that will affect the way he feels towards the child?

What if he resents the child, and that is reflected in the way he treats the child? Is it fair to risk that for the child?

MissFitt68 · 10/09/2015 20:25

Do you work to share the expense op? Kids cost money

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 20:27

I work and am marginally the higher earner.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/09/2015 20:49

What about my question, mabythesea?

LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 20:53

smug yes of course she should tell him. Ideally they would decide it together.

It's unfair for the person who want more children to have to take full responsibility for preventing a pregnancy. ESP if it's hormonal - it has a physical burden.

So the person who doesn't want a pregnancy needs to step up and take responsibility if he isn't already.

It's not uncommon in this situation for the woman to still be expected to take care of contraception. Then if there is a contraceptive failure she will be blamed for it.

Bluetrews25 · 10/09/2015 20:57

Can you wait a while for the next baby?
Your grandchild.

goddessofsmallthings · 10/09/2015 21:04

Does your dp have dc from a previous relationship and is your combined income in excess of £75,000 per annum net? Does your current home have 4 bedrooms or more?

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 21:10

No, to all of those.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/09/2015 21:12

I do agree with LovelyFriend re contraception, as much as I think the OP would BU to get pregnant 'against her dp's will'. I haven't used hormonal contraception since before dc1, and I don't intend to again. We've used the calendar method fairly successfully but dh knows I would never claim it was safe when it potentially wasn't. We have condoms in the house and it's always been his choice to insist on them or not.
(I do know three is my absolute limit, so we are going to have to have a discussion about all this after the birth. It may then be me getting sterilised, as I think, perhaps ironically, that I would cope less well with an unplanned dc4 than he would)

EasyToEatTiger · 10/09/2015 21:15

I really sympathise with feeling broody. Having 2 healthy children is a privelege. Surviving pregnancy is a privelege too. I would have loved to have had more, but it didn't happen. Life got in the way before I had my first (not in a good way), and with a joint age of over 100 after the 2nd, I had to accept that it was my lot. A certain amount of grieving went on - . I became pg soon after being in hospital after a few serious life changing diagnoses. Frankly it was horrible. And I was using pretty secure contraceptives. Please try to be thankful for what you do have. For me the feeling passed, but given my age it is kind of not surprisingGrin

Lictionary · 10/09/2015 21:26

OP I just wanted to say that I have no advice but that I am in a similar situation.

We have 2 children. 5y and 2y. They are good fun and we love them to pieces. Both were planned. DH over the moon both times. We never said stop at two and we never said have three. Only now it seems that DH doesn't want any more.

And that makes me sad. Very sad.

SmugairleRoin · 10/09/2015 22:29

Nothing has been said Lovely about her being the one who takes contraception in future - I do think they need to sit down and talk about this but it's a bit of a mental leap.

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 22:55

I'm actually not taking any contraception and don't intend to.

OP posts:
Jux · 10/09/2015 23:11

You have told him that you don't use contraception, and he is taking precautions isn't he? Presumably he is considering having a vasectomy?

ScarletRuby · 10/09/2015 23:22

Have you never taken contraception, or have you stopped taking it? If you've stopped have you told him you have and you never intend to use it again.

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 23:23

I've never taken it.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 10/09/2015 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/09/2015 23:32

I suspect mabythesea is ignoring my question about the potential risk of her OH rejecting a baby if he feels forced into it, because she doesn't want to face the consequences of that - for her family and the potential third child.

Mabythesea - if you end up having a third child against your OH's wishes (even if he agrees because he doesn't want you to leave him), how do you think that will affect the way he feels towards the child?

What if he resents the child, and that is reflected in the way he treats the child? Is it fair to risk that for the child?

Swipe left for the next trending thread