Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having another baby against DP's will

173 replies

mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:04

We have two children, I want another and DP doesn't. He feels two are enough, he's getting older etc.

We had a serious talk about it and I explained how important it was to me and I didn't want to accept I wouldn't have another baby.

I feel like DP has basically taken this as a threat. He has said he doesn't want to lose his kids and if agreeing to have another baby is necessary to keep our family together then he'd do it.

I really want a baby but I don't want to threaten my DP into it Sad But at the same time I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face and give up on something I want.

OP posts:
Rainuntilseptember15 · 10/09/2015 23:36

OP is being massively jumped on here, and I suspect if she had one and wanted two, posters would be more sympathetic - having two already is seen as your fair share I think! I think it is unfair actually of your dp (and here's another place where he had the casting vote obviously Hmm ) to agree, but in a halfhearted way. He should just say no or yes, rather than pushing the decision onto the OP.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 11/09/2015 00:16

mabythesea, do you love your DP? Do you have a relationship beyond Co-Parenting?

Jux · 11/09/2015 08:11

Which do you want more, a baby or a family? It could come to that (happened to several colleagues of mine so really not unusual - each of them wanted more children, pushed dhs into it (or just got pg anyway) with resultant breakdown of marriage and single-parentdom), so on a worst case scenario basis, think of what you are prepared to lose in order to have another baby.

If the thought of breaking up with your dp doesn't affect your desire for a baby, well, you know.

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2015 08:38

If you're not using contraception is your DH using anything?

Sighing · 11/09/2015 08:47

My ex Dh was very alarmed when I once mentioned how nice a third would be (I'd already decided we had no future had zero plans of ever being pregnant again). But, he clearly after careful thought and knowing we were splitting had the vasectomy operation. At the time my ONLY concerns were for if one day with someone else. Never occured to me it wasn't his perogative. If your h really doesn't want more children, he has a choice to take charge of his fertility. (Equally women should too).

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 10:18

Is it just hormonal contraception you object to or all sorts?

Original poster
mabythesea · 11/09/2015 14:37

Just hormonal, though I don't want a copper coil either.

OP posts:
ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 14:57

So condoms are the only contraception you will use?

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 14:57

Or a diaphragm.

Bogeyface · 11/09/2015 15:03

So condoms are the only contraception you will use?

How is that relevant? The OP isnt objecting to another child so doesnt need to use contraception. Her husband is the one who doesnt want another so it is down to him to make sure that they dont have one. Either using condoms or a vasectomy presumably, or abstaining altogether.

And refusing to take hormones, or having something inside her that could really screw up her periods (had a copper coil, it was horrendous and I would never judge someone for not wanting one), does not make the OP unreasonable.

Bogeyface · 11/09/2015 15:04

And FWIW I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

Unless both parties agree, the one who is vetoing another child is the one who must take responsibility for contraception and if they dont then they cant complain if a pregnancy occurs.

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 15:39

Whoa! I wasn't making any judgement about her choice of contraception. Chill the fuck out. I was ensuring her partner was using contraception as he's the one that doesn't want the baby. But I disagree that contraception should be left to one partner.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/09/2015 15:51

Go ahead, have another baby, mabythesea - of course it won't matter of your OH resents the baby, and treats him/her differently. Hmm

WeAllHaveWings · 11/09/2015 15:54

The OP isnt objecting to another child so doesnt need to use contraception. Her husband is the one who doesnt want another so it is down to him to make sure that they dont have one. Either using condoms or a vasectomy presumably, or abstaining altogether.

That statement is a shocking way to treat a partner!

The choice of which contraception a couple decide together to use is a totally different conversation from the choice to plan to have a baby.

The OP and her DP need to decide together what contraception choices they will make because they have not agreed as a couple to have a baby!

ScarletRuby · 11/09/2015 15:57

WeAllHAveWings has just articulated what I was trying to say much better than I did.

Original poster
mabythesea · 11/09/2015 17:32

I don't really think contraception is the issue here.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 11/09/2015 17:36

Is there any reason why you are posting one sentence answers?

I'm guessing you were thinking that you would have loads of responses saying how awful your DP is and are put out by the true response.

Original poster
mabythesea · 11/09/2015 17:38

How long would you like my answers to be Confused

I've been on mumsnet long enough to guess what the responses would be.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 11/09/2015 17:41

What's the point in posting then, if that's your attitude?
People go to the trouble of giving long well thought out responses and you come across like you just can't be bothered.

Squashybanana · 11/09/2015 17:41

I think you are getting a hard time op. I think your desire for a third child is as valid as your dp's desire not to have one. People saying you are being selfish, but no more than he is. My personal opinion is that you regret children you don't have, not ones you do have. I would have found it very difficult if my dh had said no to dc3. As it was, he was happy to have dc3 but shocked when I accidentally got pregnant with dc4. I lost that one and we were both upset and agreed to a 3 month 'try' window after which we would accept having 3 dc. My DD was conceived in the 3rd month, and is the apple of his eye. Though he wouldn't have had her without the accidental pregnancy, he would not be without her now. I don't know what the solution is, op, but I don't think it's as simple as 'you are a selfish person who disrespects her partner's desires', unless you can say the exact same thing about your dp.

Original poster
mabythesea · 11/09/2015 17:43

The point of posting is to be able to think/talk through the situation in an anonymous forum.

I'm sorry if you feel your posts haven't been appreciated though Chipped.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 11/09/2015 17:44

I wasn't talking about my posts actually.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/09/2015 17:47

Talking something through does imply a discussion, though - where both sides engage with the subject. If one side is posting long posts with well thought out points, or asking questions, and the other side is giving one sentence answers or ignoring the inconvenient questions, it's not much of a discussion.

BolshierAyraStark · 11/09/2015 18:01

Theses threads are so sad.
Doesn't matter how many DC you already have, if one of you says no then that's it. Thinking that they'll come round once the baby arrives is a risky & highly stupid strategy. Be grateful for the family you do have & stop hankering after something that could very well destroy that.

BolshierAyraStark · 11/09/2015 18:01

Theses? Obviously meant these...

Swipe left for the next trending thread