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Original poster

Having another baby against DP's will

173 replies

mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:04

We have two children, I want another and DP doesn't. He feels two are enough, he's getting older etc.

We had a serious talk about it and I explained how important it was to me and I didn't want to accept I wouldn't have another baby.

I feel like DP has basically taken this as a threat. He has said he doesn't want to lose his kids and if agreeing to have another baby is necessary to keep our family together then he'd do it.

I really want a baby but I don't want to threaten my DP into it Sad But at the same time I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face and give up on something I want.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 10/09/2015 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greatbigwho · 10/09/2015 16:36

Having a baby was such a huge life changing experience and so bloody relentless and hard that I cannot even begin to imagine going through it if either of us didn't want the baby 100%.

If your husband doesn't come round to the new baby, that child is going to know when it gets older, and will always wonder why their dad loves their older siblings more then them.

Pico2 · 10/09/2015 16:40

We have 2. DH doesn't want any more. So that's it. End of discussion. I think my DH might walk if we had a third. I couldn't inflict that on any of us.

I think it is worthy thinking about whether you want a third baby or a third child. They aren't the same wants.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 10/09/2015 16:40

Would you really be prepared to put your relationship and the current status quo for your existing children on the line just to have another child who doesn't exist yet as more than a possibility?

This is the risk you take when you start a family with a person much older than you, that they are done with making more babies before you are. My DH is 7 years older than me, and we had our first when I was 31 and he 38. He had just turned 41 when we had our second son. Our plan had always been to have three children, but we felt that two was enough. We can give them a good quality of life, and DH won't have his nose to the grindstone still at 65 trying to support them through university/with buying a house or whatever.

I know it is hard to see it when you have a very young child, but there is more to being a parent than the baby years. If I had another young baby here to look after, I wouldn't be able to parent my DSs in the way that I do. We wouldn't be able to take the kind of holidays we are now - so many things are different once you are past the pregnancy/baby/nappies/buggy point.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/09/2015 16:40

There's only one answer to this, IMO. The person who doesn't want a/another child gets the deciding vote. However hard that is for the other.

I wanted no. 3 more than dh did. Had several miscarriages. Now close to my due date with that no. 3. I've felt periodically guilty throughout the pregnancy that I might have forced dh into it. Early on I even offered to terminate. He says that if he really hadn't wanted another child he would have used a condom. And he's right, really. I think he's looking forward to the birth almost more than I am. And he has, to be fair, never said he only wanted two - he always wanted 'more than one', but two would have been fine as well. But the guilt and discomfort I feel which has resulted from us even being slightly not-on-the-same-page about this has been quite a burden to bear for me during this pregnancy. I don't think you will at all enjoy having another baby knowing that your dh really didn't want it to the extent he has made clear.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/09/2015 16:57

So you've basically told (or implied to) your DH if he doesn't do something major and life changing that he has told you he doesn't want then you're off. Shock

He has said he will do it against his wishes because he wants to keep his family together and you are considering this a yes. Shock

You are going to plan to bring a baby into the world and hope your DH comes round once its here. Shock

And then you'll probably still not be happy and could do the same for No 4. Shock

Are you listening to yourself? really?

you don't seem to be interested in anyone else's feelings other than your own, not dh's, not dc3 or dc4 and not even your dc1 or dc2 (if your dh ends up resenting you).

LeonC · 10/09/2015 16:58

My exH wanted three. I only ever wanted two. We had two sons and exH suggested we try for a third. I gave it a lot of thought, I would have liked a girl but I wondered if I would be disappointed with another boy. I decided another baby might not have the right Mum if I contemplated disappointment at birth instead of joy. I'm happy with what I have.

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 17:02

^Your DP doesn't want any more DC's that his right.

If you want more DC's find someone else that does.^

Yes Dr Morbius, but he would rather have another DC than I find someone else who does.

OP posts:
PermetsTu · 10/09/2015 17:05

I would have loved a third baby. DH didn't feel that he wanted one at all. Not ambivalent, not we'd manage even though it isn't ideal, categorically sure that it was not the right thing for him.

So he had a vasectomy.

There are lots of roads which have closed over the years, things I've had to compromise on and negotiations we've made. That's part of life in general, particularly in a relationship. My desire for another baby is something I have to let go. I could never bring another baby into this world knowing that its equal parent did not want it. My DH is a good, honourable human being who would give a third baby (should his vasectomy spontaneously and naturally reverse) everything it needed and would be as good and committed a father as he is to our existing children, but it's very different retrospectively applying that care following uncontrollable circumstances and deliberately choosing to inflict it upon an unwilling partner.

I think you know the answer already. It's very sad and difficult to close that chapter.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 10/09/2015 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PermetsTu · 10/09/2015 17:07

There are also lots of things that DH would probably do rather than have our marriage fail. It doesn't mean it's the right thing for him or for us ultimately.

NerrSnerr · 10/09/2015 17:07

How awful for your partner, he has a choice to have a baby he doesn't want or have you leave. You sound really manipulative. Surely if you really loved him you'd respect his wishes?

PermetsTu · 10/09/2015 17:09

I'd rather eat dog food than starve.

I'd rather take a bullet than watch my dc take a bullet.

I'd rather vote conservative than, erm, fellate John McCririck.

Doesn't make any of the above things sensible or desirable.

littleunderdog · 10/09/2015 17:15

I longed for a third child, after much discussion (because he really didn't want another) my DH reluctantly agreed to it. The marriage pretty well took a nosedive from then on, and 5 years later he cited it as the main reason he was leaving for another woman. But - I enjoyed having that last child so much, he has given me so much fun and love, I've never regretted having him for an instant. And I'm now with someone nicer than my ex.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/09/2015 17:16

I don't think the OP has actually said she will leave him though. I get the impression her DH is worried about that happening but not that the OP has dished out an ultimatum....

littleunderdog · 10/09/2015 17:17

To be honest, I think the reason I longed for another child so insanely much was that there was already something profoundly wrong with my marriage.

Narp · 10/09/2015 17:38

I find this quite odd - that your DH should feel he can't assert himself and say what he really means. Why has he taken it as a 'threat'?

Narp · 10/09/2015 17:40

I am not blaming it on him, by the way - you both seem to be speaking in code.

I agree with Amelia

Original poster
mabythesea · 10/09/2015 17:49

I don't think it's code, but as another poster has pointed out, "Your DP doesn't want any more DC's that his right. If you want more DC's find someone else that does."
So I guess that is the logical conclusion to me saying I can't accept not having more children.

OP posts:
Narp · 10/09/2015 17:53

I wonder them if you have problems that preceded this? The fact that he would be scared of you leaving - the fact that you would even want to put having another child above being in the family you have with him.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 10/09/2015 17:53

Your wants don't trump his, you come across as not liking him much and just see him as a sperm donor.

If you loved him you would accept his wishes.

Nobody should be forced to have a child they don't want just to keep their partner.

category12 · 10/09/2015 17:55

What happens if this third child suffers from a disability? Or you have a miscarriage? Or twins? Or any one of a variety of outcomes that are possible as well as a nice neat safe pregnancy, delivery and healthy baby? Will your dh be able to support you emotionally when it's a scenario he never wanted a part of in the first place? Hell, a newborn is a lot of work, why should he go through the broken nights and the extra years of child rearing if he feels your family is complete?

It's one thing when both of you want a child together, but when you run rough shod over your partner to get what you want, if things go awry what is the emotional fallout? And what if he doesn't 'come round', but instead resents you?

goblinhat · 10/09/2015 17:57

You sound plain nasty OP.

NerrSnerr · 10/09/2015 18:03

Do you love him? Respect his feelings?

DrMorbius · 10/09/2015 18:12

So I guess that is the logical conclusion to me saying I can't accept not having more children

So the love you have for your DP, the love for your family unit, (DP, DC's and yourself) all counts for nothing compared to your desire for a third child. Even at the cost of upheaval to your current family and children. You sound a real charmer.

What if you split and your DP wins custody of your two DP's, what will you do then???