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Original poster

Having another baby against DP's will

173 replies

mabythesea · 10/09/2015 15:04

We have two children, I want another and DP doesn't. He feels two are enough, he's getting older etc.

We had a serious talk about it and I explained how important it was to me and I didn't want to accept I wouldn't have another baby.

I feel like DP has basically taken this as a threat. He has said he doesn't want to lose his kids and if agreeing to have another baby is necessary to keep our family together then he'd do it.

I really want a baby but I don't want to threaten my DP into it Sad But at the same time I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face and give up on something I want.

OP posts:
Girlfriend36 · 10/09/2015 18:13

I think some you will probably always feel broody for another one no matter how many kids you have. My friend was like this, she had a 3rd despite her husbands misgivings - the marriage did not survive.

Why not enjoy the two children you have and accept your family for how it is. I personally don't understand why anyone would want more than two kids but thats just me Grin

goddessofsmallthings · 10/09/2015 18:14

Yes Dr Morbius, but he would rather have another DC than I find someone else who does

So that's what you've put to him? That if he doesn't agree to father another dc with you you'll find someone else who does because, after all, you wouldn't want to cut your nose off to spite your face when you can force him into doing your bidding, would you? Hmm

I agree with goblinhat. It's time for you to accept that you can't have everything you want and to be the best dm you can be to the dc you have and the most loving and caring partner your dp could wish for.

CatMilkMan · 10/09/2015 18:28

You are bullying him in to something he doesn't want, I'm sorry you feel this way but you are being extremely selfish.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 10/09/2015 18:38

If you do this to him, there is a good chance the relationship will not survive. Is a third child worth that, including what it will do to all three children.

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 18:45

I dont see why the OP is getting all the shit for this.

She wants one, he doesnt. She has quite reasonably been honest and said that it may be a deal breaker for her. She hasnt threatened him, just told him how she feels.

He has said that he would rather have another child with her than split up. Thats his decision. He could have said that he definitely didnt want another and would be prepared to split over it, and that would have been ok too.

Jux · 10/09/2015 18:48

It's your hormones speaking atm. There's a spike about 18m after a baby is born, which makes you a bit broody. It's the worst time to try to decide on another as you are being subjected to hormonal broodiness and so you aren't being entirely rational. If you had both discussed this before and agreed on another, that would be fine and you could go ahead, knowing that this was a clear-headed decision.

However, if you had discussed it and agreed on 2 children, then you're not in the right frame of mind to make a different decision.

Wait until your child is 3 or 4 and then revisit it.

LieselVonTwat · 10/09/2015 18:49

I don't think you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face OP. It's just a bad idea all round to purposely have a baby with someone who's clear they don't really want one and would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. There's so much potential for that to cause huge problems. And I think you know that.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 10/09/2015 18:53

Having another rather than split up isn't the most likely outcome though Bogey. There is a good chance the most likely outcome is 'have another baby and then split in a year or two'.

specialsubject · 10/09/2015 18:54

every child a wanted child - by BOTH parents.

one prospective parent doesn't want this prospective child. That, I'm afraid, is that. Obviously no compromise but you have to decide what is more important.

to state the REALLY obvious; make sure the contraception is as solid as possible until you have a decision.

sleeponeday · 10/09/2015 18:55

The right to control your own fertility is a human right.

Your DH has the right to control his. That means no more children unless he freely and genuinely consents, without this sort of pressure.

TBH if you have a child because he is afraid of losing the kids if he doesn't, then you have created a huge fault line in your marriage, IMO. You've essentially acted with absolute disinterest in how he feels about his own life path.

Scobberlotcher · 10/09/2015 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justcurious15 · 10/09/2015 19:05

Sorry OP I think you're one of the most selfish people I've ever came across.

If you're contemplating finding another person to have a baby with then you need to think about your family that your splitting up for your own complete and utter selfish reasons and think about how your children will feel about it in the future.

Justcurious15 · 10/09/2015 19:06

I've just realised how bad the grammar Etc is with my post and it probably doesn't make much sense I'm blaming sleep dep ...

LovelyFriend · 10/09/2015 19:07

I would argue if the DH wants to control his human right to fertility then that extends to not impregnating anyone. "Freely and genuinely consenting" could then simply amount to engaging in any activity that could end in pregnancy.

If he did impregnate his W his rights to "control his fertility" have ended.

OP this is a difficult situation and I don't know the answer.

Perhaps you could stop taking any form of birth control (if you are), which would be your human right, and leave it to your DH to control his own fertility. It should not be your responsibility to take all the responsibly for not getting PG, at a burden to your own health, especially when you would very much like to be.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/09/2015 19:09

Mabythesea - would having a third child be worth either a) making your dh have a child he doesn't want or b) all the pain involved in breaking up your marriage?

If you do blackmail your dh into saying you can have another child (and make no mistake, if he is forced into the decision because you will leave him otherwise, that is blackmail), what effect will that have on his relationship with that child? Would you be happy to see your much loved and much wanted third child being treated differently by their father? He might fall in love with the new baby - but it is very likely that his feelings about the child would be badly coloured by resentment at being forced into fatherhood for a third time.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/09/2015 19:11

You sound like you just want him for his sperm. How great must he feel.

I'm with the majority; you have two children, if one of you doesn't want any more, they have the deciding vote.

SmugairleRoin · 10/09/2015 19:12

I assume of course LovelyFriend that she'd tell the dp that? Or is he supposed to be a mindreader? If a womans dh pretended to put on a condom but didn't, and then came in her, I don't think that would be ok in most people's books.
Getting pregnant deliberately when you know your partner doesn't want it is incredibly selfish. And I just don't see why you would want to have another child in that situation.

hesterton · 10/09/2015 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyBeet86 · 10/09/2015 19:15

I'm kind of getting the same uneasy feeling in my gut reading this as I would if it was a man trying to manipulate a woman to have a baby.

Op your talking about splitting up your entire family because you can't compromise with your dh. I might be barking up the wrong tree but is it always your way or the highway?

It's not like you are two people with completely incompatible views on children. It's not a case of a marriage where one never wants children when the other does, is it? It's just that you can't agree on the number of children!

It's not something I'd tear my family apart for nor split my children away from by your own account a great father.

It's something I'd imagine your children would come to resent and would probably bite you in the bottom.

hesterton · 10/09/2015 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 10/09/2015 19:16

Someone (sorry, lost the comment) made the excellent point about a hormonal spike of broodiness about 18 months after having a baby. Why not wait a year or so? See if you still feel the same? You might find the urgency passes.

hesterton · 10/09/2015 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClearBlueWater · 10/09/2015 19:24

OP.
I have 2 dc.
I had to have IVF to have them (male infertility, I was fine).
During the treatment we had 'spare' embryos and were advised to freeze them. I had a long talk with H and told him I could only cope with that if we used them one day - otherwise I couldn't go ahead with it - I would have moral difficulties with that and would lose sleep for years over it. Just my personal thinking, but very genuinely felt. He agreed.
Only, guess what -
He 'changed his mind'.
He was happy to create a fertilised embryo, but now will only sign consent to destroy that embryo. Nothing I can do, legally or morally.
It kills me, it really does and it has done real damage to our marriage.
I know of a number of other couples in the same situation - an 'artificial' moral dilemma created by the IVF process.
I am very very very lucky to have my 2 wonderful children, but the process came at a price.
But you cant coerce someone into having a baby they don't really want.
And it is hugely unfair on the resulting child.

0hCrepe · 10/09/2015 19:38

I'm in the same situation but older with older children. Dh's desire not to have more children 'triumphed'. I'm so sad he isn't a man who loves the idea of more children. I feel we are very different in what we want out of life. Can't do anything about it though.

Cabrinha · 10/09/2015 19:40

You shouldn't bully someone into another child by threatening to leave them.

Is it really more important to you to have a 3rd baby than it is to keep a loving relationship and a two parent home for your 2 kids?

I had to leave my cheating arse of a husband 2 years ago. Last night, my 6yo (who has otherwise coped so well) was crying because she wished we lived together and she misses us when she's with the other parent.

Is it more important to you to have a baby, than to avoid putting your kids through that? Really?

Yeah, he might come round, and yeah, it might not damage your relationship.

But I wouldn't take the risk. Not when I see my child cry at missing daddy.