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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:15

I do know TheDowager - thank you. Sorry for the swearing, just so annoyed at him and myself.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2015 02:15

Yes, they're talking about a pregnancy test.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2015 02:17

The fact that they're talking about 'a test' (that you can get from a supermarket) without any apparent need to clarify what sort of test, means what we think it means.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:18

Thanks again TheDowager - you know what it's like when you doubt something so obvious because you really don't want it to be true

OP posts:
Baconyum · 04/09/2015 02:30

It's ONLY test of any kind you'd get from asda! Sorry first I've seen this thread and thought from your first post it wasn't gonna work out well. So sorry as I've been there. I'm not the jealous type either but can smell bullshit a mile off. My ex used every trick in the book to convince me I was being paranoid. I wasn't only right he had 3 of us on the go at once!

But, this isn't me. You know him and know yourself.

Though what I always believe in is trusting your gut. I think if he isn't sleeping with her (and I think that's unlikely) he soon will be.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 02:32

The fact that he's deleted the messages says it all.

So, how you going to play this? I'd be tempted to be the all-knowing oracle who only has to look in the eyes of a lying little toad to see the duplicitous black heart that beats within.

Maybe go with 'ok, the game's up, pack your shit and piss off' and wait to see what he's got to say. From what you've said about his history, it'll be adéjà vu moment for him as it seems that no.3 was also conceived on another woman's time just like no.2.

Jeez, what is it with these philandering tosspots? Is it simply a case of their dms not teaching them to keep their flies zipped?

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:36

Thanks Baconyum - Sorry you've had this too.

That gut instinct is there for a reason isn't it?

I think I'm just going to ask him in the morning if the test was positive and to leave. He can take what he can and leave his key (in fact I may go and take it off the keyring now). Luckily my dd is at her dad's tonight and my older ds will be gone for work at 6am.

OP posts:
amarmai · 04/09/2015 02:37

you could go to asda too.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:39

Yes - will be similar I think goddess, just to say I know about the pregnancy test and he can fuck right off and when he gets there, fuck off some more.

Stupid is not only learning from your mistakes, but repeating them, right?

And she comes across as all holier-than-thou. Both of them to do this twice means they both deserve whatever they get.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:42

amarmai - by the sounds of it, he went to asda this morning for the test so they no doubt know any result by now

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 04/09/2015 02:44

Flowers I'm really sorry.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 02:48

I have no doubt you don't deserve this, but they undoubtedly deserve each other and should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, not that they will be, of course, as their types never are.

Flowers for you, honey. Life can only get better - and it will.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:50

Thanks seriouslyffs and goddess for your messages and advice, and taking time to read this at this hour. It's helping me to stay strong and remember I'm not wrong/bonkers.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 04/09/2015 02:55

You're not bonkers, I was really impressed at your 'laying it on the line' with him and refusal to engage in the drama.
And you apologised to TheDowagerCuntess for swearing!Grin

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:58

Ha ha! I don't usually apologise for my language in real life!

I'm so wound up it's unbelievable! I am usually so calm and laid back but this has knocked me. I've taken my door key off his keyring and hidden it. He recently gave me half of the money to buy me a car (only a couple of hundred quid) so will hide my car key too just in case.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 03:05

Smart thinking - I like it Grin

Of course you're wound up - who wouldn't be? Lying little fucker is blissfully away in the land of Nod while you're sleepless because of what he and his ex have been getting up to. Angry

Give him both barrels later today - and another one from your pals here who are seething on your behalf.

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 03:05

Yes I believe in gut instinct being there for a reason for lots of things!!

If he's there tonight n they've got test results they'll be discussing what to do I think.

Protect yourself emotionally and financially Flowers

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 03:14

Thankfully we have no dcs together and he only moved in before xmas so not too entwined.

He will soon realise what he's missing and it will serve him right for being a lying, cheating fuckwit.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/09/2015 03:25

Oh no You poor thing :( is his phone accessible now? Have you checked Facebook messages and whatsapp too? I agree there is only one kind of test he would have been getting. Bastard.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 03:29

I checked his phone again just before I came on here tonight. Last night he was in the shower and something just made me look, which is when i saw the text re a test. When I checked again tonight, he'd deleted them.
I know his facebook password and have just checked on there - they are friends but she doesn't go on often and no messages at the mo. He's not clever enough for whatsapp Grin

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2015 03:30

Swear away, my lovely - no-one would blame you, least of all me.

Yes, I'd be inclined to ask whether the test was positive, and then interrupt him to say, actually, it's irrelevant - either way you're out.

HellKitty · 04/09/2015 04:00

Middle of the night hand holding.
I've just read the whole thread, it really doesn't sound very good at all. Whether it's what you, and we, think it is OR whether it's totally innocent (!) he is treating you appallingly and you deserve better than that.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 04:03

Ugh - just heard him get up and go for a pee so he knows i'm not in bed.

My heart started racing again but he just went back to bed.

Funny how easily he can sleep....obviously used to this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 04:05

Thanks Hellkitty - even if (and it's obviously a HUGE if) I've got it all wrong, then things aren't as they should so it is time to just end it.

OP posts:
VegasIsBest · 04/09/2015 05:13

Sorry to hear you are going through this and obviously not sleeping tonight. Hope things go ok in the morning - but it sounds like you know what's coming. At least you aren't too intertwined financially / with a new kid yourselves, so from the sounds of it you can get your life back and find someone who really deserves you. Good luck.

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