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Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 11/09/2015 20:57

He'll be a sorry case at the moment. Not particularly attractive to anybody. You've dodged a bullet. You could have been so much more tied to this wonky iron before this came to light. We all need a functional iron Grin

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 11/09/2015 21:00

I hate ironing!! I am happy with my trusty iron and happy to let any wonky one go.....how needs more than one Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 11/09/2015 21:01

*who

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 11/09/2015 21:09

It's neither here nor there what the truth is anymore. If his far-fetched tale is true ( very doubtful) he has openly told you that his loyalty to his ex in keeping a secret is more important than being open with you.

Well done for getting rid so quickly.

bjrce · 11/09/2015 21:10

He'll give you a few days to think about his last installment of lies and try to gauge your reaction, he might even think you'll believe him, no doubt he'll discuss this with the exW. He will then get back in contact with you for a "talk".

I tend to agree with previous posters who say, she doesn't want him, but she'll make sure he never has anyone else before her. Based on her getting pregnant twice and the circumstances, she sounds like unhinged, just because she's had two DC with him, it gives her the right to do whatever she wants and he's the fool who complies!

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 11/09/2015 21:15

Hear hear

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 11/09/2015 21:17

Knowing his loyalty lies more with her than me hurts more than anything else right now, no matter what the story is. The fact that he expects to believe this tale, is a close 2nd.

She is a strange fish and I actually feel sorry for their dc's.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/09/2015 21:25

I actually think you've responded perfectly.

He was looking for you to react, you didn't. You didn't respond to him or give him something to argue against.

As you know, if that were the truth, then he would have said that straight away.

I can give you another diabetic pony story if you'd like?

Maybe there was a hedgehog. You rescued it, when you were 10 and nursed it back to health. Then it was run over by your neighbour on the day you released it back into the wild :( and because (surprise twist ending!) the person xw had a one night stand with was your neighbour's daughter Shock, he didn't want to mention the truth because it would upset you.

Or he's a liar. Whichever is more plausible.

You're doing just fine. And you're very awesome. You really are. I can't imagine you feel it right now. But you're coping amazingly.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 11/09/2015 21:37

Thank you Fuckyou - you are so wonderful at stories!! Poor Hedgey......bastards!

I am fairly awesome most of the time, just not feeling it so much tonight. Knew it would hit me eventually.....just as long as he realises how fucking awesome I am and is cursing himself for being as far away from awesome as humanely possible!

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 11/09/2015 21:40

If he didn't realise it the he wouldn't be lying to you. Unfortunately he doesn't have the faintest idea how to treat someone properly, and probably never will.

The next story may have a goldfish in it. So prepare yourself emotionally for the painful fallout of such a tale of woe :o

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/09/2015 21:51

You're doing great, Mutha - just keep posting on here and we'll keep you on the straight and narrow. :)

PorcupineNecktie · 11/09/2015 22:20

Mutha I just read through this whole thread and wanted to say you've been amazing and it's such a great example for your DD to see that she doesn't need to put up with bullshit, and for your DS to see how women can't be treated!

You sound brilliant. Flowers Wine

starlight2007 · 11/09/2015 22:28

I have just read the whole thread..You have carried yourself with great dignity..

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 11/09/2015 22:41

Thank you starlight and porcupine. Though stay away from FuckYou porcupine in case she writes a story about you!

It is partly down to you guys helping me steer through choppy waters (and dead animals) that is keeping me strong.

We all make mistakes, only the selfish & stupid refuse to learn from them.

OP posts:
Diamondsmiles · 12/09/2015 06:33

I'm a bit torn about this. I was thinking what if it is true? What if it wasn't him she had a ONS with? But actually even if he hasn't shagged her (this time) nevertheless he has been ignoring you and investing all his time elsewhere.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 12/09/2015 07:05

Ok diamond - if that is the case, why didn't he just say that on the day I confronted him? If not in the morning, then later in the day when he got his stuff? This is the bit I can't get my head around.
Occasionally when we have argued before, he has stormed off like a child. But there was no argument. He knew I was kicking him out yet preferred that to the 'truth'?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 12/09/2015 07:48

Diamondsmiles - pull the other one love, its got bells on.

A week to come up with a story that fits, and makes out that the OP is the one in the wrong - how perfectly convenient.

OP - you did good. Now you need to just give him one date to remove all his stuff by, or it is all going to the tip. Like by the end of tonight. Then take it to the tip next chance you have. Clean it all up before any other story comes out to make you feel bad about yourself. You did good and never forget that they have form for this!

goddessofsmallthings · 12/09/2015 07:52

He knew you'd got him bang to rights when you confronted him which is why he sloped off without a word of protest.

The pg test was negative and, having realised that he is indeed "as far away from awesome as humanely possible", he's concocted a tale that is more full of holes than a fishing net in the hope that he can get his feet under your table again.

What manner of woman breaks up with her dp, immediately has a ons with presumably some random or other without using contraceptives, and then tells her previous ex and asks him to get a pg test for her?

Even if he didn't shag her, considering that he's 3 years into a relationship with you he seems to be on inappropriately intimate terms with his ex and, for all we know, he could be sharing details of your sex life with her.

This is precisely the type of man I wouldn't touch with a bargepole and I reckon you should get yourself checked out at a GUM clinic purely for your own peace of mind and protection, Mutha.

Diamondsmiles · 12/09/2015 08:05

Yeah even if it was true, it's weird that it took him so long to tell you his version.

Joysmum · 12/09/2015 08:37

1/ He has form for his head being turned when he was with his wife and that's why it ended.

2/ He got his wife pregnant when with his girlfriend.
3/ He invested more in her than you since he moved in.

4/ He has treated your house like a hotel.
He's then spent more time there since her break up a bereavement.

5/ He lied when confronted, denying he knew anything about a test.

6/ He deflected and blamed you for your understandable doubts.

7/ He went in the attack and accused you of being childlike afterwards. You're never t allowed you own feelings.

8/ Now he's had time to think about what you want to hear.

9/ I think you'd be mad to be with a man like that. No morals, has a history of doing whatever the fuck he wants without consideration of others and continued that trend when he moved in with you. That should have been a honeymoon period so if it was that bad so early on that doesn't say a lot about the future.

Thank god he gave you the excuse you needed to dump. I fear if he hadn't you'd have limped on with this substandard man. Flowers

LovelyFriend · 12/09/2015 09:32

the bit I find the most implausible:

XW tells him "My period is late I think I may be PG"
Him: "wait 2 weeks and then get a test"
and she goes "OK".

2 weeks later XW messages "can you get me a test" like she hasn't left the house for 2 weeks!! And it's his responsibility to buy a test.

And then he deleted those messages very quickly.

He's a liar!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 12/09/2015 10:33

There was a porcupine involved in the tragic goldfish tale :( they're not compatible pets :(

The problem is that his first thought was to gas light you and deny there was a text. Now he's trying to convince you that something you know isn't true, could be, despite not mentioning it earlier. He's hoping you will doubt yourself, and through that doubt he can crowbar his way back into your life.

That's how he deals with things, he lies and tries to convince you you didn't see things that you know you saw. That is cruel and horrible. It's who he is.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 12/09/2015 14:12

Thanks all.

Am a great believer in second chances and that we all makes mistakes, which is partly why I let his past go. Plus that you should treat people how you would like to be treated.

Therefore I shall be treating him like a lying fuckwit.

OP posts:
PorcupineNecktie · 12/09/2015 20:46

Oh no FuckYouChris I'm sorry for the goldfish incident I thought we were never going to mention that again Wink

Mutha I 100% agree with second chances, but yes at this stage he has demonstrated his desire to be treated like a lying fuckwit so it's only fair that you act appropriately Wink

Flowers
TRexingInAsda · 12/09/2015 20:59

No fucker, in the history of the world, has waited 'a week or 2' to do a pregnancy test when their period is already late, just because their stpid ex told them to - let alone a grown adult, in a country with sex education, who is already a mother. Especially how the test was needed very suddenly so he had to go to asda as soon as it opened. Bull. Shit. He's treating you like a fool (still), I'd be annoyed at being thought of as such a gullible fucking idiot that that story would be worth trying. Twat. He can shove his stories up his arse. OP you are amazing!