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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
lunar1 · 22/08/2015 09:57

I don't think it really matters if he's cheating. He's treating you horribly and you deserve better than this.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2015 10:15

in my head, using very very very amateur armchair psychology, I firmly believe that people tell you who they are by what they say (and it is isn't always consciously)

even more so though, I think you get the strongest messages from what they do

this bloke isn't treating you right

you get to the bottom of it and he sorts his act out pronto or you should bin him

AnyFucker · 22/08/2015 10:15

is

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 10:28

My reply was - 'thanks - we need to talk so you being in helps'.

Agree AF.

OP posts:
Bearsbeets · 22/08/2015 10:31

I think your gut feeling is right. I'm really struggling to understand him staying the night to 'spend more time with DS', surely DS is asleep so how is that spending more time together? He lives 15 mins away he could wait until DS is asleep and come home to you and be spending the exact same amount of time with him.

wannaBe · 22/08/2015 10:37

there's a vast difference between going over to offer the ex support after a bereavement, spending more time with the ds over there and even painting the door/doing things for the mil (although tbh I think mil is another issue altogether and I don't personally believe should be categorised under the ex category as she is a person in her own right), and doing all these things and spending the night at the end of it all.

If my ex went through a bereavement I think there's no question that I would offer support, in fact last year when there was a serious illness in his family I offered what support I could from offering to do shopping etc as he was away from home (he declined but the offer was there iyswim), you don't spend years with someone, have a child with them and then switch off the support switch just because you're not together. However, my ex also only lives ten minutes away, so even if I were ever in a position to offer support on that kind of level I would come back to my house at the end. There is no way I would ever spend the night at my ex's house or expect him to spend the night at mine, given we live so close together, and I am certain that as much as my dp knows that that relationship is far behind us, if I started suggesting that I would be spending the night at ex's he would start to question why.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/08/2015 10:58

There may be perfectly valid reasons for the child not wanting to stay over night at dads but still wanting to spend the night with dad, and dad may very well agree with these reasons.

AyeAmarok · 22/08/2015 11:45

I agree there could be semi valid reasons.

The exw could have said "DS needs some support from his dad" but the exw doesn't want to not have her DS with her either? And be totally on her own? And so it's better for your DP to see him at his exw house.

However, I still don't think the situation warrants him staying over. And I don't think it's wise to start getting into a routine of DS seeing his dad only at his mum's house. It's not sustainable and it might confuse him.

UnGoogleable · 22/08/2015 12:57

I'm sorry OP this has alarm bells all over it.

The thing that I found the most worrying was that he only told you about staying over at hers an hour before going. That's because he knew damn well what he was doing, and didn't want a confrontation with you about it. If it was genuine, he would have told you "look, EXW has asked me to stay over, this is the scenario, this is how I feel, let's talk about it". He didn't do that, and then got defensive with you before you had even said anything about it. At the very least, that shows a lack of respect and consideration for your feelings.

The situation in itself - staying over with his son because he needs some support, is maybe just about plausible and defensible enough. It's the way he has gone about it that has red flags all over it.

I'm sorry OP, this doesn't sound good. Even if he isn't doing anything with the Ex, I think it's on the cards - one of them wants it to happen.

Sorry to be blunt, I hope you're ok.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 14:29

Thanks all - even as a bear minimum, the lack of respect and thought is very troubling.

I will update properly tonight as both in and out today and will be waiting until my dd is in bed before the discussion begins.

Again thank you all for your time and input - it really does help

OP posts:
Glitteryarse · 22/08/2015 14:57

Good luck op Flowers

Listen to your gut feelings. If something stinks of shit it's normally a turd.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 20:19

Discussion has been had. I asked him outright if there was something going on with XW, given that last night and his recent actions. I reaffirmed that as far as I am concerned, actions speak louder then words and his actions right now are shit. I also asked what he was doing once ds in bed.
He said nothing is going on, that yes it was a bit last minute but the past week ds was struggling and he felt having his dad there and a bit of normality would help. I said that I was unaware that he wasn't doing well, with me barely seeing him, and that his normal with ds isn't at home with mum, but here with this family. Said I was fed up of the current situation, there needs to be more time for our blended family rather than it all being separate. He was a little defensive, saying that the only thing he was thinking of was his ds, not his xw at all. He had similar happen to him when his gp died in quick sucession but his df was living away by then. When ds in bed, he watched a bit of tv and they discussed ds upcoming birthday.
Told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't happy about him sleeping there, it wouldn't be happening in the future and all sleep overs should be here. The wholel thing stops right now and in the priority list, I come underneath his kids but way above her. He said she isn't on the list. We shall see. He is on parole.
I did manage to get hold of his phone (I know, I know). Messages between them are about ds, arrangements to see him, if he could paint doors for xmil etc.
am still wary tbh but am glad I have said my piece

OP posts:
GarthAlgar · 22/08/2015 20:32

Good for you OP, I'm glad you had that discussion and he now knows that you're in control of the situation, you don't sound like someone to be messed about with! Glad you saw the phone and there was nothing flirty so that will have put your mind at ease a bit.

Maddiemademe · 22/08/2015 21:13

Hi I very rarely if at all post but have been lurking for years. I really hope I am wrong but I had the exact same situation including feeling like my house was being used as a hotel whilst my xp stayed over at his ex's house with his ds. I was also told that nothing was going on, he was being there for his ds etc. He returned to her roughly a month later whilst still feeding me the same bullshit story that nothing was going on. I only found out by accidently opening a facebook message meant for her. Trust your gut, mine was screaming at me and I wished I had listened to it earlier. Best to nip it in the bud early like you have but a man who needs to be told to make you a priority in his life is not someone who deserves you.

Glitteryarse · 22/08/2015 21:59

Well done for bringing it up op.

I think your really tolerant as this situation wouldn't work for me, I'd have said somtjing before he even went. Him staying over for normality isn't normal is it though? In four years he hasn't stayed over. I don't think I'd want my ex staying over either.

Watch very carefully now op at what happens as I bet his ex wife becomes very vunerable and he will just have to help her for his ds sake.

Do you trust him?

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 22:24

Thanks Maddie - I am hoping that my gut is an early warning sign; have told him in no uncertain terms that I don't want him here if he's even thinking of being with someone else. This is really the first time this has been an issue, he's usually very attentive and puts me first but the combination of lack of priority and this got me twitchy. He will be watched like a hawk - any further dodgy behaviour and we are done.

I'm not one to stew for too long! I may not have reacted straightaway but I do retreat to think and decide what I am going to say/do rather.

I have never had any reason not to trust him before. I am usually really laid back and it takes a lot to wind me up but when it does, everyone knows about it. And it isn't normal - I said this to him and he actually agreed.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2015 23:03

a man who needs to be told to make you a priority in his life is not someone who deserves you.

absolutely

VeganCow · 23/08/2015 00:02

I agree ^
End it with him and watch how hard he does/doesnt try to change your mind.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 01:11

So by way of an update - I am up at stupid o'clock again due to this bastard. I have been on red alert since I started this thread.

Yesterday I saw a text message from her asking him if he could mind the kids whilst she nipped to asda for a test. He replied that he'd just got her message after asda had shut and could get her one in the morning.

Pregnancy test right?!

I managed to check his phone again tonight and the messages have been deleted.

How I've kept shtum I don't know. By way of context and sorry to drip feed, dc2 that they have together was conceived when he was with his ex-girlfriend....XW had said she wanted another child and he 'obliged' (and not in a turkey baster way). XW and her dp at the time, who'd had a vasectomy, had a momentary split so was obviously perfect timing. Of course his girlfriend at the time found out about this immaculate conception and binned him.

We've had words again tonight about the fact that we've barely spoken for the past week or two. He's setting me up isn't he? I've barely slept for two nights and am a shaking wreck, really can't keep this up.

This is who he is is isn't it? What do I say/where do I start telling him to fuck right off?
God I'm such a twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 01:20

I honestly feel like all my fight has gone and would be happy if he just left tomorrow and I wouldn't have to see/speak to him again.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 01:57

I am so sorry. I hoped that yours was going to be one of the good news stories whereby he wasn't up to anything when he was staying over with his ex and fell into line pdq when you told him that overnights were no longer an option for him.

You come across as a straight down the line, no nonsense kinda gal and I'm surprised that you took up with a man who has form for cheating on one when he's with another and vice versa.

I sympathise - knowing what you do, I wouldn't want to set eyes on him again either, but you obviously need to have a conversation with him if only to ascertain when he intends to pack his stuff and fuck off take himself back to his ex.

amarmai · 04/09/2015 02:05

i'd be having a walk past that place 15 mins down the road and watching the windows to see what i could see.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:09

thanks goddess - i am fucking livid. i know for a fact he will deny and want to know how i know. do i tell him i saw the messages that have now mysteriously been deleted?

am so annoyed at myself for believing his shite and worst of all, for letting him into my home and my children's lives ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 04/09/2015 02:10

am not jumping to conclusions am i - what other test would you get at 9pm from asda?!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 04/09/2015 02:14

You know what you have to do.

Putting aside the drama, this is a man who can't be trusted. Not by you, and not by his various exes either.

Cut your losses. Flowers

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