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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/08/2015 01:13

Perhaps I'm weird but it wouldn't bother me.

I used to stay at my ex's all the time and he would stay at mine. Nothing untoward ever happened nor would it have done it was solely for the benefit of our child whilst a difficult time was occuring. It worked it helped amd them the situation improved and contact went back to normal.

I also still often go round to my ex Mils and give her a hand with stuff last weekend my toddlers and I painted her fence, she needed it done I didn't mind doing it, it was a good excuse to muck about with the kids and they thought it was jolly good fun. She's a nice lady I like her it's not her fault none of her actual children can be bothered to do stuff for her,she does nice stuff for me as well.

horsewalksintoabar · 22/08/2015 01:15

My stomach is churning for you OP. Sorry to have to say it but this is dodgy!

coffeeisnectar · 22/08/2015 01:20

I think it's crossing the line of acceptable behaviour too.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 01:23

Thanks both horse and needsasock. Am here for opinions from all directions.

I totally get were you are coming from needsasock - which is why I can see him doing it as he's in the too nice category but it just makes my gut feel wrong. The mil stuff doesn't bother me too much, it's just this one thing that's making me uneasy in the light of a few other little things if that makes sense?

I would rather discuss it now, tell him how it makes me feel (and ask how he would feel) and what I would prefer, than let it slide and her become too dependant on him or try to take it further.

I have once voice saying it's dodgy, and another saying if he wanted to get back with her, he could have done so years ago.

OP posts:
Koalafications · 22/08/2015 01:23

Doesn't sound good, OP.

Why did they break up in the first place? Do you think he is interested in her? Have you felt that he might still be interested before, when she was still in a relationship?

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 01:24

Thanks coffee - it's a fine line between nice and dodgy...which is what's got me thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 01:35

They broke up when their son was very little - so about 8/9 yrs ago. DP admitted to me he got his head turned elsewhere. They both started seeing others but there was a time where xw and her boyf split for a few months and dp his girlf split and they tried again for a few weeks but it didn't work out. XW reunited with the same boyf who she has recently split with.

It all sounded very dramatic and not me at all - I've told him I don't do drama so there will be none of that.

He has said before if he was interested in her/someone else, he wouldn't still be with me. And I've never really felt he's been interested in her before now.

OP posts:
Smilingforth · 22/08/2015 06:06

It doesn't sound good I'm so sorry

AnyFucker · 22/08/2015 06:36

he has very helpfully told you what the situation is

if he is "yours" tonight then he was "hers" last night

DinosaursRoar · 22/08/2015 07:20

Agree with anyfucker.

Also worth pointing out, he doesn't have to be cheating- the way he treats your home, the way you are far down the priority list, the way he doesn't think about your feelings in his behaviours - this is all enough to end a relationship by it's self. Assuming you don't have dcs together, you are at the stage when it's easy to end a relationship and I'm a firm believer in that it should be pretty much perfect at the "just living together" stage, else it'll only get worse when pressures increase.

(Can you afford to pay someone to paint your hall? Just get it done.)

StonedGalah · 22/08/2015 07:27

Is it possible to think he wasn't "hers" last night but his ds? As in the person who he's said he's bunking in with

This is what happens when you are with someone who has dc/xw etc. Unusual things crop up.

LoveChickens · 22/08/2015 07:28

Really sorry but it doesn't sound good to me and I would really personally not like t at all. It crosses a boundary.

iwantgin · 22/08/2015 07:32

I would trust your instincts.

Sounds a lot like my XP. Couldn't quite pin anything on him, but he wasn't committed to our relationship 100%.

If you are spending hours, nights worrying about this it needs sorting.

Good luck.Flowers

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 07:42

AF/Dino - that was immediately what I thought when I got the text.

When he first told me he was going, I didn't say anything as I actually didn't know what to say (I am a thinker, then talk about things - rather than react immediately). Then, as Stoned says, I thought he's with is ds.

But then my gut started to slowly inform me it wasn't happy and this seemed to be a line crossed.

It's only in the last couple of weeks the 'hotel' situation seems to have started and am not happy to let it continue.

Thanks love/iwantgin - need this sorting.

OP posts:
whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 22/08/2015 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oh3isthemagicnumber · 22/08/2015 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 07:59

Yes whatyou - if his ds was a couple of hours away then this probably wouldn't even be bugging me. I know random things occur with dc/exes (I have both!) but this just didn't sit right.

Thank you whatyou/oh3 - am defo not afraid to be alone and if it isn't right it gets fixed or finished.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/08/2015 08:05

Good luck today

I would listen to your gut, there is something that just doesn't sit well with the whole thing

lunar1 · 22/08/2015 08:08

Did you get a reply last night?

Glitteryarse · 22/08/2015 08:22

Bloody hell op

I think AF is spot on. He is there for her. This overnight stay was unneeded and bizzare.

I honestly don't think I could look at dp again if he did this. What are you going to do?

Original poster
MuthaHubbard · 22/08/2015 08:23

Thanks Cristina - that gut feeling is there for a reason isn't it?

No reply lunar1

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 22/08/2015 08:53

lets put to one side whether he is shagging her or there is a rekindling of their relationship. which understandably is your main concern here.

The fact remains that he is spending more time away from you. What are you supposed to do with that time? sit around and wait for him?

he wants to spend more time with his ds. fine. 1. the ds can and should come to you. 2. he can make sacrifice elsewhere -ie football. So that you get more time as a couple.

one question - had you and the ds had any sort of falling out, no matter how trivial thst means he is reticent to stay at yours?

i get that the ex is having a hard time and im dorry for her but she shouldn't be leaning on your dp.

another thing not been picked up on here is that what he is doing is really bad for the ds. how confused must he be? now daddy is around more? maybe he'll stay....its giving him false hope.

my foot would be firmly down. the ds welcome at yours any time. actively involved. the visits to the ex stop. or its game over.

Fontella · 22/08/2015 09:01

Don't want to be unkind love but it's bloody obvious from where I'm reading.

There is no logical reason on God's earth to be kipping on a camp bed in his son's bedroom 'to see more of him'. It's bollocks.

Son used to stay overnight at yours, now he doesn't - your H goes to him which coincides with his ex W becoming single which also coincides with him hardly being home and treating your home 'like a hotel'.

You are not thinking 'God knows what'. You are thinking what anyone in your shoes would be thinking and perfectly logically as well.

You imagine if you were reading this about someone else, or if a friend of yours was telling you that her husband was sleeping over at his ex wife's who has suddenly become single - 'to see more of his son'?

As for the 'I'm yours tomorrow night text' ... who does he think he is, Brad Pitt?

ShitHappens1 · 22/08/2015 09:12

Hope it goes ok, today.

TheStoic · 22/08/2015 09:35

What was your response to the 'I'm yours tomorrow night' text?

After picking my jaw up off the ground, I think I'd have just said.. 'Lol'.