Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

[MuthaHubbard]

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

now not new!

Just read this whole thread and am completely aghast. You poor thing. You're handling it really well, much better than I could. to you.

Gaslighting twat. That's a dumpable offence in itself regardless of anything else going on.

You said way upthread you'd checked his phone and there was only innocuous stuff on there about the DC - now you know for definite he has form for deleting stuff I guess there was probably loads more that you never got to see.

Well done for booting him out, you're well rid

Oh op well done. His reaction told you everything you need to know

Be prepared though, that he won't have actually believed you that It's over and will be shocked (and angry?) when he finds his stuff on the doorstep. Stay strong and safe

So sorry OP. Better finding out before investing any further in this twat. We are all on hand if you need moral support when the sexually incontinent gob shite turns up.

Good job OP. The reaction isn't normal, even if he wasn't cheating he isn't interested in regaining your trust. He doesn't sound like he cares very much. I'm glad it's your house and you can easily kick him out, what a relief. You sound like you are doing well and can see him for what he is.

What an idiot he is though. His x splits up.with her dp.just so.she can use him as a sperm donor, for a second time. And she will no doubt then go back to another man leaving him paying maintenanxe and playing disney dad.

You are well shot of the fool.

Sorry OPthough. It sounds like you have been a good stepmum and an excellent dp and you really didn't deserve this.

Good job op. You kept your dignity and kept the upper hand at all times. You rock. You can keep strong and show this piece of shit that you are worth a million times more than this. Cry, scream, whatever, but you hold on to your self worth. This is his doing, his flaws, his pathetic need to have women desperate to sleep with him. I pity him, and I bloody admire you. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Sounds like he wanted it done anyway and is relieved he's not had to do anything.

I'm so glad you've got your head screwed on right though!

Have you asked him if congratulations are in order? I'd love to see his face. You are a very sensible person, you'll move on in no time while he's still thinking 'shit, what have I done'. He's an absolute penis, and you knew it as well. Hope you're ok. x

Oops, missed that there was a second page! Well done OP, I can't believe how he reacted (or didn't react!) wow.

Well done OP.

Just seen this thread.
What a roller coaster ride you are having.
I know all about the pacing and the confronting and the no sleep.
The adrenalin keeps you going.
Well done on kicking him out.

I'm sorry you are going through this though. It is truly awful.
Look after yourself.

Wow - thank you all for your lovely comments. I'd like to think I'm rather nice and normal, whilst DS is awesome .

I've stopped feeling like I'm having a heart attack and tried to cry in the shower but it didn't happen. I've even been and had my eyebrows done (as was pre-booked). I have no doubt that it will hit me later on.

At the moment, the thing I really regret is that he got involved with my dc's. I feel a bit of a twat about that, despite the fact that we had been going out 3 yrs before he moved in.

I know I'm in the right following his reaction - I will prepare myself for any rewriting of history or him getting nasty/begging. I will be trying to keep myself dignified (which isn't always easy!).

My dd(13) has just come back from her dads, seen some of the bags I've filled and put 2&2 together. And cried. Which made me cry. I've said sorry to her. She said she is incredibly mad at him, doesn't want me to be hurt and who would even cheat on me anyway . I've told her I will be fine and only really cried as she was upset.

Know I will probably crash at some point but hoping I will sleep tonight!!

You've been very strong op.

I'll be surprised if he protests/kicks off - it sounds like he is completely enamored with his ex. He's a twat.

It will hit you.
You are probably just in shock right now.
Sugary tea. Keep your sugar levels up.
Your poor DD, but she is learning a good lesson.
Strong women don't put up with this kind of shite and the cheater gets kicked out on his ear.
KOKO

Thanks hells - yes, dd also said that it's good to know I don't put up with being treated like that. I confirmed that no-one is allowed to treat me, her or any other girl like that.

He's just text to say he'll pop by later to pick up some clothes/work gear. That's it, nowt else. The less he says right now, the more I feel I'm right.

STANDING OVATION, mutha. You are indeed one tough mutha.

So nice to see a thread where the OP isn't a total wet blanket (although I am of course incredibly angry and sorry that this happened to you in the first place)

Leave everything he has outside. Don't let him just grab what he needs. It's easier for him and gives him excuses to keep coming back to cause you more upset. Toss every single thing he has out. No more contact needed. Then laugh when lunachick ex dumps his sad arse again demanding maintenance.

Just read your whole thread and my heart is in my stomach. So sorry you've been through this but huge congratulations on dealing with it with such dignity and self respect. If ever I go through similar (God forbid) I will be hunting you down on mumsnet and asking you to coach me through it! don't feel like you are not allowed to lose your shit at some point though. I think it can sometimes help the healing process. Best of luck to you and your kids, onwards and upwards.

agree put the bags of stuff outside (I do hope you aren't packing nicely for him, scrunch it up in bin bags - I'm petty though so this might not be good advice). Send him a text to that effect. Take the batteries out of the door bell.

Well done OP...offering a hand hold , have been in your shoes, still trying to recover (although a 14 year marriage and I didn't see or probably ignored all the red flags, blindingly familiar story, history and the same good looking charm). You've been amazingly strong and while you may have some ups and downs in the coming weeks, you've done exactly the right thing. His Ex-W must suffer from enormous self-esteem issues, you've got to feel sorry for her...she will be stuck in this endless cycle forever more. You, however, are free to find somebody worthy of you my love

OMG Mutha you nailed him with supreme grace and style.

I bow to you ovaries of freaking steel! Good work listening to your instincts and putting this all together. His reaction told you all you need to know.