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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling uneasy about dp staying at his exes

366 replies

MuthaHubbard · 21/08/2015 23:35

Just that really, something in my gut tells me something is off.

For the first time in our nearly 4 yr relationship, dp is staying at his XW's house with his ds. He only mentioned this about an hour before going - that apparently he was going to stop on a camp bed in his sons room. This is because he hasn't really seen him this week (bit of a fib), ds's grandfather just died (a month ago) and funnily enough his XW is now single (over a month or so ago).

Since his XW became single, he has been seeing his son a lot more than the normal twice a week. Now I am totally fine with this, am very happy that he's got the chance to spend more time with his ds - but this is always at his XW house. DS used to visit here weekly and stay once every fortnight but I've not actually seen him really since June. I said that I felt like I was the one who was now single as I barely see DP or his DS lately - bearing in mind they live about a 15 min drive away.

When DP mentioned it - I didn't say anything straight away which he initially took for me being 'funny' about it. Which seems rather defensive bearing in mind I'd not said a word.

I keep going from not being bothered (I'm not one to get jealous, which DP has remarked on before now) to my gut telling me the total opposite.

This is on top of the fact that I told him that he's treating the place like a hotel lately, home for tea, back out again for hours and then back to sleep. This is making me mightly pissed off lately and this just seems to be tipping me over into thinking god knows what.

Not sure what I'm asking but feel it's going to be a long night!

OP posts:

Original poster

MuthaHubbard · 08/09/2015 18:21

Am so grateful that I can put on here what is going on in my head and keep my distance from him. Not seeing him is helping me and I am still furious that he's not being honest.
Like you Tink - in a way I would like closure (know that's wanky) as I am usually one to want to know all details to help me move on. Of course that would only happen if he told me the truth and the lies are what gobsmacked me.
He knows same well it's HIM that can't be trusted.

OP posts:

Learningtoletgo · 08/09/2015 18:40

Hi Mutha,

Just another one who thinks you've shown amazing strength!

He's trying to hoover you back in to his view of the world. Don't be surprised if he takes your text as a sign he can ramp his BS up.

Has he collected the rest of his stuff yet? How much is there, could you arrange to leave it at a friends or relatives so he can pick it up from there? It's likely he'll use it to keep his foot in the door and keep communication open with you. Best to get rid of it as soon as possible.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2015 18:50

The time to explain was when you confronted him.

Had it been innocent (and let's face it, there's no way the following could be true) then the response of "OMG! I am so sorry you saw that! Yes there was a text and yes I deleted it because I saw how dodgy it could have looked! Little Jimmy had a diabetes test at asda pharmacy today (which I didn't mention to you because I was worried it would bring up painful memories for you, since your childhood pony died of diabetes and I know how you still pine for her), xw messaged me to ask me to pick up the results because she hadn't had a chance to earlier. I am so sorry that you saw the message and that I didn't mention little Jimmy, and I can completely see why you would suspect me."

Unfortunately dumbass didn't have an innocent explanation, and he couldn't think of an excuse quickly enough, so instead went with, "there was no text, you're crazy, fine I'll go. Why won't you talk to me? Why don't you trust me? It's all in your head." Which is obviously not true.

So in some ways his stupidity did you a favour :)

I hope you enjoyed my tale of little Jimmy if nothing else.

Don't let him pull you back into engaging with him. It is for his benefit. Not yours.

You know he's a lying cheat.

Original poster

MuthaHubbard · 08/09/2015 18:53

Thanks Learning. He just replied 'ok' to the text I sent him at 6am . Have heard nothing further thankfully. I need the time & space to keep up my strength!
It's a shed full unfortunately - decorating gear and rest of his clothes. Am happy not have anything of his in the house (even his mug is in there!). Out of sight.......

OP posts:

Original poster

MuthaHubbard · 08/09/2015 19:06

Awww poor little Jimmy

Thanks Fuck you - that's exactly the sort of reaction I expected had it all been above board.

Am happy to keep not engaging for the foreseeable.

OP posts:

Learningtoletgo · 08/09/2015 19:40

Ah not so easy then.

I wonder how long you are required to hold on to his stuff? I would be finding out and let him know formally he has until x before you get rid of it. It's not good festering out there as it's still a barrier to you moving on.

Is there anyone who can be with you when/if he comes to get it? Some moral support so he can't try to worm his way back in infront of someone else.

How are the kids doing?

AyeAmarok · 08/09/2015 20:10

Don't let him use his stuff to manipulate you though.

You: Can you please come and clear your stuff out of my shed.
Twunt: I will if you agree to talk to me.

I can see him trying that one!

LovelyFriend · 08/09/2015 20:24

I asked my XP to be honest and open and waited 2 years hoping he'd come around and be decent. He hasn't and he won't. Shame really as we have 2 dc together. He can't be honest about what went on (cocaine) and is in complete denial about it. I know for a fact many things that went on which he denies.

He thinks we are friends despite me telling him very clearly that I am not his friend - friendship requires honesty and trust and he has proven to be capable of neither.

Sad but there you go. Some otherwise intelligent people choose to live their lives seriously deluded. It's beggars belief but nevertheless it's true.

I wish I had got to the place where I didn't give a shit much sooner.

Scobberlotcher · 08/09/2015 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalleighDoodle · 08/09/2015 21:11

Please block him from your phone fb and wherever else. Theres nithing to be gained from talking to him. Ge will only ever tell you as little as he needs to. He knows where his stuff his. Block and delete and then you can move on.

Original poster

MuthaHubbard · 08/09/2015 21:15

Thanks again for your messages - they have helped me through my little wobble.
He knows where his stuff is.
He has nothing to say that I want to hear.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 08/09/2015 21:35

Have you blocked him now?

Original poster

MuthaHubbard · 08/09/2015 21:41

I blocked him on fb after i'd received his message. His number is blocked now on my mobile. Feel lighter for that already.

OP posts:

lazycoo · 08/09/2015 22:17

That's excellent. Lying cheating twunt doesn't deserve anything from you.

GammonAndEgg · 08/09/2015 22:59

Well done mutha

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your little diabetic pony

jorahmormont · 08/09/2015 23:18

So late to this but Mutha you are absolutely amazing.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2015 23:22

I just shed a tear for that pony

Baconyum · 08/09/2015 23:35

Fwiw no law on how long you need to keep his stuff but the rule of thumb is 28 days providing you give written notice of that date. After that if you were to say...sell it, he could try and make a claim against you but it'd likely be unsuccessful.

NinjaMommy · 08/09/2015 23:54

Just caught up... Bloody Nora, how strong and level-headed are you, please?! I'd have morphed into a raging bunny-boiler weeks ago!!
Bravo. I'm so impressed with your class and dignity

MrsJorahMormont · 08/09/2015 23:59

jorah on a side note, you need to stop mooning over that blonde witch with the dragons and get yourself home. You can get your own bloody dinner.

jorahmormont · 09/09/2015 00:34

MrsJorah

Oh ok then wifey

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 09/09/2015 05:54

Just keep trusting your instincts, Mutha :)

Excellent blocking. You don't need to talk to him about anything.

If his stuff is still there in a couple of weeks, then send a short message saying that his things in the shed will need to be collected by (insert date 2 weeks later) or they will be disposed of. Or if you don't need the shed anytime soon then you can just ignore it all and if it's still there when you do need it, deal with it then.

He'll be deliberately leaving things there to keep a foot in the door. Because he still believes he can talk you around now he's had a chance to think of a tactic.

TenForward82 · 09/09/2015 12:02

Agree with what everyone else said. He's a twat. If he doesn't get his stuff in the next 2 weeks, bin it all.

LovelyFriend · 09/09/2015 23:46

If you don't like your shed it may be quite cathartic to simply accidentally set it on fire.

--Joking
Kind of--

Original poster

MuthaHubbard · 11/09/2015 18:21

So am not sure who is interested but thought I should update.

I saw him today (not through choice). Long story short - his excuse is that when he stopped over his XW told him that she'd had a ONS a week or so earlier (following split from her dp) and thought she was pregnant. I said nothing.

She asked him not say anything as she was mortified and hadn't told anyone else. He'd told her to wait a couple of weeks then do test, which is when she text. Said he was in shock when I confronted him as couldn't figure out how I knew as he'd not said anything to a soul. I said nothing.

He wanted to tell me face to face. Realises that him barely being here due to work etc, doing things for her rather than for me at home, keeping secrets from me, putting an issue with her first and texts/deleted messages looks really bad and he would think the same if reversed. I said nothing.

He asked if he can speak to me properly and knows how it looks. I just left.

I actually feel a bit numb. I think that's just from seeing him when I didn't expect to. Any thoughts appreciated.

OP posts:

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