Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

Just seen your last post - shame he didn't push himself away before he stuck his tiny thing in you then. He's really screwed up, lucky escape me thinks.

I know I will dust myself off from him in particular, let's face it, there was no deep attachment.

What annoys me more is that it's been yet another chink in my sense of positivity and ability to be hopeful and trust in the possibility i can be happy with a man.

This one had to spend a long time gaining my trust and participation because the one before him was such a dick.

Not the next one it will be harder.

Just feel a bit exhausted, baterred, sick of it and if i am honest really genuinely feeling a sense of insecurity that i am a really crap shag!!!

I only read til this morning as still catching up from last night hiatus, when I was trying to catch up with the last few pages...

But wanted to say before I read anything else, [hugs] [hard liquor]

What an utter wanker. I'm so so sorry. I'd hoped for a different ending, as I'm sure you did too. Utterly gutting for you.

Hard not to trigger off a total- squished, hide under the duvet, Whats wrong with me, crap crap crap- spiral!

But I feel so strongly that it's ok to vent (& we'll vent with you!), and then if it's possible for you to try and not go down that road if at all possible.

You deserve better, it's knackering trying to find a good person to be with, and you're way ahead of me on those stakes (!), but it's so bloody hard not to let the crappness you find make lasting marks.

OP, I am so sorry,

You gave him the benefit of the doubt, and you have been massively let down.

You have done me a massive favour though...if that's any consolation.

I have been " talking " to some nice looking "smart" chap I "met" on OLD ages ago. I was at work when he sent me a message asking if I'd like to meet up this afternoon. I replied that I was finishing work in 10 mins and was wearing the customary hi vis, steel toe caps etc and needed to go home to shower and change. Even sent a "selfie". I suggested meeting at some halfway place for coffee. No reply for 45 mins and then.." Sorry I'm designated driver for the" footie" I replied, oh well your loss mate, I'm a bit too long in the tooth for all this...been there..all the best x

Deleted all contact with him.

Thing is I reckon about 95 % of OLD men are nuts, or just out for a shag.

On Sunday at my friends I regaled my hosts with the story of my very short "romance" with Mr Camping. They replied he must either be gay or fucked up and remarked that I was a good looking woman with a great sense of whit and was looking hot to trot in my new dress.

That was coming from someone who tells it like it is..is I look a frump she is the first person to tell me to get my act together.

If someone is hard work from day one ( as your date clearly was) I think the writing is on the wall.

His loss, your gain, you are gorgeous, desirable and worthy of a genuine lovely man.

Keep telling yourself this and raise the bar.

Ashamed to say i did exactly that. He sent his message at 5am this morning, nd I have not gotten out of bed. Totally under the duvet and not eaten.

Thanks so much for that lovely post, it really does make me feel better. It helps to be reminded it's not normal. I have gotten to that sad point where when people hurt me or do awful things I am not even shocked. I'd hte to just lower my expectations to the poiint of thinking twatishness is normal. then end up marying someone just becaue they're not a complete dick

As cheesy as it sounds, it's really not you, it's him. I've been in situations before that I just couldn't get past until I was 'ready'.

I'm sorry you got caught up in it.

Cross post Chilli.

Sorry you're having the same OLD experience as me. I do think they are mostly nuts or damaged beyond repair.

Lots of love and well done telling him to feck off.

My mistake here was only going at the weekend. I knew my own mind and should have told him it wasn't good enough and known my own boundaires. At that point i was not even bothered.

After the weekend of intimacy and 5 times sex and cuddles of course I felt more intimate and the power in a sense had changed places.

We do hve to follow our guts as women. We are taught so often to try and be easygoing and not nag or complain about things I think sometimes men get away with crappy behavior.

So sorry this happened to you. You sound lovely and normal!

The older we get, the more baggage we pick up and it's fine to have a past, a troubled childhood, a broken heart. But at his age he should know better than getting someone else involved if all that impacts on his ability to have a relationship. Why did he sleep with you before he realised it?! Pathetic!

Sorry to say this but I expect you'll be hearing from him again. He sounds mixed up and doesn't know what he wants.

No way of knowing for sure TBH...I'm going to suggest no sex until dating properly 3 months.

That should sort the wheat from the chaff.

Yes, I haven't had sex for a year actually. Been on quite a few dates and even 5 or 6 with one man and didn't shag him. I was being careful and only wanted to be with someone if I felt absolutely sure it went beyond one night. I tend to connect emotionally after sex.

I agree about the baggage, I have enough of my own and don't use it as a licence to treat people like shit. In fact it makes me more conscious not to.

He's gone off anyway into the hills on his own for a week to contemplate life.

Fucking idiot.

Oh God, I am such a loser! Wait a year for the "right man" and literally the day he fucks me he decided to dump me.

Oh God. It's almost funny.

I don't know, OP. I'm not sure he's been dreadful to you, perhaps just confused and self-absorbed. It sounds like you have been badly hurt in the past. This doesn't sound to be like just another user and abuser and it won't help your trust issues to label him in that way unnecessarily. In the early ways when he was enthusiastic, he may well have believed he was more ready for a relationship - and therefore more entitled to pursue you - than he actually was. It may have taken the weekend to have brought home the reality. I agree that it was rude, but given that we're all flawed and inconsistent in ways that we generally aren't aware of, it's fair to say that he may have had no way of knowing he would feel as he did after your night together. Even if he had an inkling...you were expecting to dump him yet went away for the weekend with him anyway - I don't see why it's dreadful of him to do the same. As for the texting, many very interesting people simply don't. Others will text at the start of a relationship but see it as a very superficial and unsustainable thing that stops when there's some commitment and higher form of communication (I do!). I say this as someone who internet dated with intent prior to meeting and marrying my DH (on the internet...) - it can work!! You've definitely dodged a bullet this time.

Stop getting cross with yourself right now!!!!

He's a fucktard with major issues.
If the sex was crap he wouldn't have done it 6 times (?!) or been able to. If your company was shit then he wouldn't have spent three hours in a car with you. All this is him.

He wants a bigger house for his DCs before his ex does, he wanted to take them skiing but she did first. He sounds like he spends his time fannying around to be honest and not actually being proactive or doing anything except playing 'poor me'.

OLD is a nightmare, I could tell you stories that would make your toes curl! But I found my DP, soon to be Mr HellKitty on one and he is almost perfect

Don't judge the next one by this one, or the one after. It's an adventure not an end game - at least to start with.

A year is nothing..I was many years without a man.

Cut your losses and move on.. you dont need a man to validate you...you can bide your time until you find someone normal that can give you what you deserve.

No hurry..you have a family, friends..a decent fella is just a bonus.

There are nice men out there and they are never this much hard work, believe me.

Thanks HellKitty, that was a great post. Each one makes me feel a bit better.

Just wanted to add my support, brannigan.

Whether he is a terrible person or not, he treated you terribly. I can understand how hard it must be to keep picking yourself up and dusting yourself off.

Sometimes it's hard to comprehend people going through life not caring how they treat others. I wish they came with a warning.

Be kind to yourself. You now know for sure what you want and what you WILL NOT settle for.

Repeat its not you!

He was a wanker; you were just normal.

Take care

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/BaggageReclaim-NatalieLue-Logo.png

Worth a read.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/...with-somebody-who-blows-hot-cold

Wow. What an arse and you sound so lovely and level headed.

He just kept you dangling didn't he. A date here and there. I wondered if he had anyone else on the end of his line too. Maybe!

Don't give this loser any more of your energy OP. he hurt you but he's not going to ruin the rest of your day. Kick him to the kerb where he belongs. He's a player even if he sees himself as a victim.

Hold your head high. You need not reproach yourself. Thank god he showed his true colours before you got any further in.

( I think Cilla had the right idea surrounding herself with her gay army. Biggins, dale winton and Paul o Grady. All the fun , none of the angst! )

How are you today OP? (have name changed - was on your thread yesterday).

I am just fine today thanks guys. You realy did get me through it by letting me vent and supporting. Bounced back quite quickly. A little bruised in the ego department, feeling a bit annoyed at myself, but feeling glad it was after a few dates and one night instead of a lot longer.

I do tend to see the best in people, look at the positive, try not to over-react and give the benefit of the doubt and maybe those characteristics (which I quite like in myself) are a bit of a hinderance when it comes to dating.

I am slowly getting smarter. I am comign to the golden rules which I find have absolutely NO exceptions.

1. When a man blow hot and cold on you - ALWAYS walk. There is no good explanation.

1. If you feel doubts that someone likes you or wants to be with you - ALWAYS walk. There is no good explanation.

1. When your gut tells you to walk - ALWAYS walk.

I am making those three things my future mantra. I find that when they come along I always try to walk but the man inevitably beg me not to. I have always at that point tried to listen to them and giv them a chance but have regretted it every time.

I think any relationship worth being in provides you with none of those three things ever and there are no exceptions. You either end up with a twat, a mentalist, a player, a liar or someone who is so fucked up they can;t be a proper boyfriend.

Taking a step back also...

this is a man who cheated on his wife and left her and his kids

A man who would not / did not commit to the women he left his wife for to the point that she left him and married someone else.

A man who dumped me after sex with a text message after chasing me / begging me for my trust for months

None of it is screaming "wow, marry this one".

He has sent me a few emails, and I read each one of them with interest as they are all completely focussed on him and his pain and his motivations and how he feels. There is no mention of me and what I might think or feel in any of them and thinkign back most of our conversations were like that.

I do have a feeling he will be back in touch eventually. At which point I shall tell him to fuck off.

He's feeling sorry for himself ? Arse!
Sounds like you've got yourself sorted.

I've known my OlD man seven years. Before he moved in I had a good idea where he was at most times of the day. As it was never an issue these things ere bandied about in conversations from a very date in our conversations.

Ivenever felt uneasy inthe relationship or thati couldn't trust him.

I've never felt I couldn't trust him implicitly.

Our relationship is easy Op. like putting on a comfy pair of slippers. It never pinches or hurts. Neither of us can believe how good and easyit is.

My marriage was never like that. I didn't know a relationship could be this good but it can.

Everything is possible and it's allot play for.

Am a bit confused. Did he heat on his wife and kids L

So glad to hear you are feeling better today. I expect you were so down because you were cross with yourself not coz you cared about him particularly.

Didn't know he'd cheated on his wife! Even more of a reason to feel lucky you didn't get too involved with him.

I just knew he'd be in touch again! He sounds so self-obsessed and self-pitying that he just can't resist it. Interesting there's no mention of you, confirms again that he just thinks of himself. He will begging for another chance in a bit, just you wait. Please don't fall for it - not that you will! He sounds like someone who just doesn't know what they want; someone who always wants something they can't quite have.

Lots of good eggs out there - you will find one!