Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

Oh OP, seriously, your date was when, Fri eve, Sat? If he still hasn’t contacted you now, by Monday lunchtime, that is pretty poor. I suspect you will get a text this evening, however, like yourself and many others have said, it wouldn’t take him 2 mins to quickly have sent a text yesterday saying ‘Really enjoyed seeing you this weekend, shall we try and arrange something for next week? I’ll be in touch soon.’ Or something along those lines.

I totally get what you are saying. It is hard to keep momentum going and things exciting when all communication stops dead. There needs to be flirty banter/ chemistry/ anticipation in order to keep things exciting and attractive in the initial stages.

Not sure what to suggest really. I think I’d be inclined WHEN he does deign to get in contact, to respond with an abrupt text saying he cant just pick you up and drop you whenever he feels. That you need regular communication in order for things to DEVELOP.

Yeah, I'm sure I will get contact tonight. He will be home and bored and I know he had an awful day today.

He'd been given the weekend unexpectedly to plan a big training course and I know he would have been under lot of pressure. He also just lost a big job and this is his last week of guaranteed income and he has a lot of shit in the air that has come over him the last couple of weeks.

I am sympathetic to that, but I guess I just want to be with someone who thinks 20 seconds spent on me is worth it without me having to have a tantrum to get it. I want it given freely because he wants to give it. I want a text because he is thinking of me, not because he is scared I will dump him if he doesn't send it.

I'm really calm, not even cross anymore, but I just want out of it to move on to date someone who I don't have to wonder if they like me

We've only been out four times and it's been months of my life invested and I don't want to invest anything else now.

I want to do this by message and am just figuring the perfect message.

It might be that he didn't enjoy the sex / time together and he wants to give things miss. Might also be that he did but feels no need to contact me every day. I am unsure which so don't know how to word the message but will try and get it exactly right.

I don't want to be chased or for him to make it up to me. I just want to draw a line under it now.

Oh OP I'm sorry. He sounded so promising... Is anyone else thinking that this guy is never going to be heard from again?

sorry op, I thought you'd said you'd texted him when you got back wanting to see him again and he'd texted back saying that he'd check his diary, hence my thought that the last communication had been from him.

TBH if he doesn't text, and if he doesn't respond to your texts I would just assume that it's over and move on.

I would just text him: "hello, as I've not heard from you since we spent the night together I'm guessing that this weekend just didn't do it for you. Fair enough, we all have our preferences, but there's no point me dragging this out any more than necessary so I won't bother you again." If you make the text as straightforward as possible then that doesn't give him any room to think that you're annoyed at him for not keeping in contact (even though you are) it gives a straight implication that you see his lack of contact as lack of interest, he can't fail to read it any other way than that.

Oh I think she'll hear from him again. And he will have no idea what the big deal is.

Text was:

"That was really fun, thank you :) Was nice getting some proper time together finally and I really appreciated you driving so far to take me home. Found out this event (we'd dicsussed him coming) is on x date...can you do that day?"

Reply was

"need to check diary" (literally said that and nothing else!!!)

I sent one back saying "yes, do that :)"

And have had nothing since. So not only can he not be fucked to say anything nice about the time together but it apparntly now takes days to check his diary.

It's a farce.

And yes, TheStoic is a billion percent right. I willhear from him and he will eb totally baffled that I am upset.

Oh my god!! His response was just RUDE!! No wonder you’re confused. EURGH!!!!! Seriously!!! Dump his sorry arse.

Because I have Whatsapp I can actually paste the previous conversation we had about this so you can all see what it was like!

Was sent from me in July after he'd not conacted me for 5 days and seemed totally not bothered about sorting out a date with me:

"I was meaning to talk to you actually and I'm so direct I think I'll just spit it out. The lack of communication and keeness to organise the next date has dragged on a bit and been interpreted as a loss of interest at your end. I like you and could happily be a casual "now and again" hook up but it's really not what I am looking for. I am a person that knows what she wants and doesn't want anything in between, but it was really great to meet you and I think you're fantastic. No hard feelings"

He replied

"Wow! What have I done wrong? I want a relationship! Not a casual hookup. you've not even given me a proper chance to have time together yet!!!"

I then explained pretty clearly that his actions of dwindling communication made me feel rejected and unwanted and that he wasn't making enough of an effort to see me and he replied

"Ok, I completely understand. I do think that I have sent across the wrong message here. What I am looking for is a serious relationship. I want to fall in love and share my life with someone. Not a bed for the night. I want to put the work into building something real. I have taken my dating profile down as an indication that I want to date you and only you. I have felt a bit confused over why yours is still online, which I have found odd. I know I am rubbish at things with women sometimes but I am quite inexperienced at all this and I have lost my way and faith a bit after being badly hurt a few years ago. Even if you don't want to date me, please let's keep in touch as I very much admire your energy and drive".

We then left it for about a week, then he contacted me again asking if we could have one more try and go out when he got back off holiday. He went on holiday and messaged me every day again. then we planned this weekend together and all of a sudden in the week before it he did the "no communication" game all over again, shagged me and ignored me.

Possible he just doesn't know what he wants or the sex was rubbish from his perspective or maybe he is just a dick head. I don't know. But I have set up my expectations prety clearly and have been very grown up about it.

I totally feel your pain OP...I've had one of these twats fellas. I can't offer any real advice, you seem very switched on and totally reasonable - if this doesn't work out then it's his loss of course.

In my case I did play 'hard to get' when he too couldn't be arsed to spend 20 seconds on a text during his extremely busy day , which worked for a while, he did start chasing, but then I got totally bored by the whole thing and dumped him - I agree I think he started to text me because he thought I was going to dump him. It was all so tiring!

The thing is, whether he’s intentionally being a dick or not, he’s still being one. That response to your text was abrupt and cold. Couldn’t even humour you and add on ‘yes, had a lovely time too’ sort of thing.

If it is all intentional then obviously you’d want to bin, but even if it’s not, he just doesn’t make you feel secure. It’s not nice feeling anxious and insecure.

Don't be confused, nothing to be confused about, he's a twat, stop wasting your time thinking about him, delete him off your phone and move on.

He's text was rude, no effort went into it at all, he's obviously not interested . Looks like you have had a luck escape from a idiot.

I actually think that my last message was totally wrong and I'm sorry. He's clearly not very into you and the 'need to check diary' thing is just plain rude. I think you should dump him.

Okay. So. I am going to not cntct him. When he contcts me again I am going to ignore for 24 hours...not to be spiteful but just to give him a sense of what it feels like when someone behaves that way. Then I am going to drop him a message which I am pre-preparing now.

I've just agreed to go out with someone else Saturday night.

Oh lord. He sounds completely clueless, op, or at the very least monumentally awkward!

If it were me I'd feel a little bad for him but that message from him would have completely extinguished any spark - he sounds a bit over-earnest, needy (a dig at your profile still being up?) and just too much like work. Add in his most recent behaviour and it's a resounding NO from me.

How's this for a message from me?

I want him to know why. I want to communicate that he was rude and I also want to make it clear it's done and dusted and not to try and chase me back? Have stolen some of your great points from here.

Message:

When we “met” you were investing your time and attention into me. Your behaviour, keenness and consistent communication created a sense of growing intimacy, excitement and anticipation in me that made me follow through with spending time with you, despite my extremely busy life. This is what grows relationships and connections between two people. I very much felt like getting to know me was high on the priority list for you. So I put you high on my list too.

A while ago I stopped feeling like I was high on your list, and I told you so and very politely tried to exit the situation because I’m not interested in being anyone’s low priority.

I gave the whole thing one last shot, but I felt a sense before I came this weekend that there seemed to be no real interest or excitement from you. Not a text to say you were looking forward to seeing me. Not a phone call any time in the week. No information on when and where or what was going on until the day it was actually happening. This isn’t how I have experienced the process of dating before. I woke up on Friday and I was not even 100% sure it was still happening and was wondering if I should cancel the babysitting plans. It feels like a really low expectation is being set up here from the outset.

I spent the night with you for the first time, and it’s now days after that and I haven’t even had a brief text to say thank you or that you enjoyed it or anything at all and that’s just a lack of basic courtesy that I have fund quite rude. You texted me every night and every morning for a month so you can do it. You just choose not to do it anymore. And no one is so busy they cannot find 10 seconds to make time for basic manners. For a fourth date / first night together that's appaling.

I know things are hard in your life the last few weeks, I know you have a busy life and I have always been sympathetic to that but the same applies to me. I have a very busy life too, and a lot on my plate to deal with right now. I’ve been getting the not bothered/can't be arsed vibes from you for a while now and why would I ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with me?

I do check people out. He's fine on paper.

to be honest, it's been a couple of years online dating and I have seen it all. I gave this one time because he was diferrent.

He was more consistent, more patient, more wanting to talk about his job, kids and life and asked about mine. He wasn;t asking me for endless photos, but more asking about what I was doing that day and when could we see each other. He was less overtly flirty.

Online dating does give you a screwed up version of normal.

I really have met every idiot in England I am sure.

but you are still playing mind games with him op. If you want to end it, end it, you're not going to achieve anything by wanting to "teach him what it feels like," tbh, I think the "need to check diary" response was the text which essentially said that it was over anyway, and I very much doubt he'll be in touch again. That kind of response is up there with "I'll call you about getting together again," which some people have experienced when OD. essentially he has made it clear that he's not really interested in you and doesn't really want to pursue a "next time."

In fact I just read this to dp and he said "ah, obviously she was just a one night stand to him then."

Be the better person, block his number, delete and move on. He's a player.

If you must reply, don't give him that long response.

Just "sorry this isn't working for me any more due to your inability to communicate properly with me between dates. All the best"

Then block him

Inviting you away shows interest more than anything and he's planned future dates. You could always give him a call? He might just not be a texter like many people in their mid forties aren't.

If my oh didn't tell me where we were going until the morning I would love that! I wouldn't think that was "not very nice".

Equally though there's no way I'd go for a weekend away with someone after only having four dates! Bit too intense.

If you must reply, don't give him that long response.

I don't know, it could be quite cathartic for op! Plus if he is actually that clueless then he could do with some detail of how he's pissing dates off. Maybe edit it down a bit though and end with a version of BitOfPractice's closing line

Sorry this isn't working for me any more due to your inability to communicate properly with me between dates. All the best.

That ^^

Be prepared for him to plead his case. Also be prepared for him not to.

I feel exhausted just reading this, never mind living it OP. Have you really got the energy for all this?

Get back online, chat to a few people, line up dates, meet up with a few people, don't even think about going exclusive/sleeping with anyone till you've had a few meetings which essentially should be 'interviews' to see what you've got in common and whether you want to take things further.