Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

No, I don't really have time for it.

Hence I politely and very nicely said "this isn't for me" after date two when this stuff came up.

I should have gone at the weekend, I think I sent an indication that ignoring me for days was actually okay.

There are a few people waiting in the wings. I will see one of them on Saturday night for a date and just put this behind me.

I wouldn't send him all of that tbh. You told him at the beginning that you wanted more communication. There's no point keeping on explaining the same thing and expecting to get different results!

His actions read to me like he'd like to feel more for you but doesn't. Whether that will come in time no-one can say. Anyone can text if they are drawn to. He clearly isn't drawn to. Sorry.

I wonder if he IS inexperienced and just plain inept when it comes to romantic relationships. He says he wants a serious, one to one relationship but seems clueless as to the absolute basics.

I'd walk away. But then, I'm of an age where I wouldn't have time to "give him the benefit of the doubt" and see how things pan out. I did that a lot when I was younger and single and found myself 36, unmarried and childless. Am now happily married with a family, I should add!

Because his behaviour has made me feel like I am going a bit mad, I went back and looked up the whatsapp convo after the first date to see how long / what he'd texted me after that.

I got this an hour after he left me...

Him: M25 is not as interesting as you
Me: I had fun tonight
Him: Yeah?
Me: Yeah I really did!
Him: it surpassed expectations
Him: When you said hello at the bar I thought you looked very pretty and very friendly, familiar and I felt comfortable around you. Then when you talked about the need for passion in life - I loved that as I hate wishy washy. I thought I like this girl, she's bright, fun and on it. I like the fact you work for yourself, without having a massive ego - turn on for me. Very attractive all in all and I wish we’d met for longer.

Me: Yes. Me too. We can soon.
Him: This summer my kids are away a bit and I'm not working everyday - so we should be able to have some good times....would be good to have some good laughs and go to some fun places if you can get the time.

Me: Deffo
Me: I'm sleepy
Me: I had fun tonight :)
Him: Good. You deserve the word feisty as your most definitely are! We'd better both sleep! I wish you were!

So clearly there's a bit disparity between the man I have now and the man I first started dating. He's not always been like this or would not have given him the time of day.

Ws the same with dates two and three, lots of sweet texts, constant communication.

I am not sure what went wrong! But it deifnitely changed completely. He was nothing like this before.

Loss of interest maybe, but it's been confusing tht he planned so many future dates. That's deifnitely a mixed signal.

People are so fucking weird and annoying.

I got dumped, and pretty horribly and have had the most awful night and feeling absolutely horrible.

Worst bit I am struggling with is the fact that for me to get the weekend away I had to sort babysitters...so my entire family knows I was away with him and all my friends. They keep asking me how my boyfriend is. I literally can't tell anyone.

I feel really awful and so wish I had not gone. Why did I not listen to my gut telling me he was not 100% about it

It was a short relationship but he absolutely pushed me to trust him and believe he wanted a relationship. We were so specific aout that and I was so scared of getting involved and being hurt. I kept him at arms length for so long and the minute my guard goes down I get shat on from a great height.

Glad the site is back up...it emphasised how important a place like this is for those people who are lost and alone or sad and need some help

Did he get in touch then? Or are you just taking it as read that he isn't interested any more because he hasn't contacted you? Sorry, I don't mean to upset you, it's just I'm not sure what's happened.

Oh that's awful brannigan. You knew though, didn't you, you say it all in your op. If only you had told him where to get off then.

But it wasn't your fault or anything you could have done differently. He was just a knob.

He never got in touch at all.

Late last night he was on Facebook for hours. Liking all my photos. But never contacted me. I was getting more and more upset and angry and just the sheer rudeness.

I flipped and sent him a message to say "how dare you" basically and blocked him on whatsapp and told him to go to hell.

He then sent me a one line message on FB this morning to say "sorry I was an arsehole. This weekend made me realise I was not ready for a relationship. I am sorry".

I replied saying it would have been fucking lovely if he'd figured that one out before he got me into bed instead of spending months convincing me of the opposite and that he was 44 and not 12 and that I hadn't had him pegged for being such a jerk.

I got this reply....

"I apologise for what I have done, after Friday I thought a lot about what you said about me, my past relationships and how I had behaved. I have tried to put that all behind me but it all came back, the hardest question was when you asked me if I still love her, for some stupid reason that was the hardest question. I need to sort myself out, how I behaved is poor and as you say childish. I finish working tomorrow and have no more work for a while and have a funeral on Thursday of a friend who was only a little older than me and I am going to take off alone for a few days. I'm going to use the time to rebuild myself, my behaviour, habits and morals, as I've lost the plot, and lost myself along the way. I have done nothing but work as I want to buy a bigger house for my children. I know it's stupid, but my ex wife always gets there first and does all the things I want to do - next year I planned to take them skiing for the first time as its a real passion of mine, she hasn't skied for over 20 years and hates it and has decided to take them skiing! It makes me feel shit!I am very very sorry for everything. I'm a shit person and need to get myself to a better place. I'm sorry for wasting your time and going to bed with you. I just can't handle it at the moment. I don't know if will ever be with someone again, just too battered and can't imagine getting close to a woman again, as was hurt so badly and an scared of that. I didn't mean to treat you badly, please understand and accept that."

And that's it!

I was aware he had some pretty major "issue" with the past that he can't get over or forgive himself for but he'd presented it to me that he hd been to counselling, and wanted to love again and grow a relationship with me. Seems just awful to sleep with me then change his mind...and to handle it by just ignoring me.

Or at least he could have decided before the 5th or 6th times we had sex!

I feel totally used, cheap, rotten and foolish.

Did he think I was a shit shag? Was my breath stinky in the morning? Am I too fat? Was I a disappointment?

It really, really wasn't anything you did op. At best he's a stupid self-centred twat, and at worst he engineered this whole sorry saga to get his end away. The total self-centeredness of his message inclines me to option A.

Have some op - wish we could ply you with it in person!

What a git.

You didn't do anything wrong you really didn't.

Just be glad that you're not him. He's a self-indulgent, whiney loser, who is jealous that his dcs are having any life experience that isn't with him (instead of being pleased they're having fun).

You are way too good for him.

I honestly, honestly struggle over why this person would drive out of his way because he wanted me to see his house, sit there sowing me his childhood photos, talk for ages about the future and his children and relationships and what he wanted, shag me 6 times, cuddle me all night, ask to speak to my best friend in the morning, plan dates a month in advance, drive me three hours home, take his dating profile down and then pull this bull shit.

It's this that has put me so off dating. Every single one of them is bloody nuts.

I will be glad I am not with him - to be honest before this weekend when I felt it went to the next level I was definitely on the fence. I'm not in love or heartbroken but this is my 6th or 7th massive let down from a man in a row...each one treating me appalingly.

I thought he was diferrent. What a cliche!

I feel like one of those stupid women who gets talked into bed. I really didn't see it coming. I thought he ws just inept.

Obviouly I read this completely wrong. When he starting pulling the "go quiet" behavior it was right after our exclusivity talk. I thought all this time that he hd been pset by that because his ex cheated on him and he'd been upset my dating profile was still up.

In actual fact, it appears he still loves the ex and while he was having fun "courting" me and play acting at building a relationship he was never really in it. He probably went all funny since the exclusivity chat because he realised he was not in it for commitment.

He was probably as much in two minds about this weekend as me. Bored, lonely and used me. Maybe not intentionally but sitll makes me feel like shit.

Shit men..

1 - amazing, adored him. Dumped me and dated a close friend under my nose after 5 years together.

2 - Arsehole. Hit me.

1. Amazing, adored him. Stopped loving me out of nowhere a few months before our wedding and just left with only a note.

1. Confessed he was a cross dresser a few months in.

1. Made out he was mad about me. Had sex after a few months. Dumped me right after citing that he was not ready to take on my kids.

1. Made out he was mad about me. Proposed. I said no. Met somene else a few weeks later and proposed to her.

1. Mental. Acted totally normal for months but was secretly seeing someone else. He ghosted me. Blocked me one day and never explained.

1. This one. Out of all of them he was the only one I had at arms length having been hurt so many times before.

This is my sorry relationship history. I have left big gaps between them but for some reason, despite them all being seemingly diferrent and on paper great people that my friends and family likes (except number 2 who everyone hated).

I am feeling like something must be wrong with me.

well now you know your instincts are spot on.

you gave it your best shot. he's an arse. you can make yourself into someone you're not for a few weeks / a few months but after that the pretence is hard to keep up. he put on a show for you, and then let the mask slip. the real him is the man you see now, not the amazing man he pretended to be in the beginning. and the reason he waited until after the 6 shags is because he got 6 shags.

you've done nothing wrong. you're lovely as you are.

I will say this.

The countles times In have gone against my gut instinct because I thought I was being needy or childish or dramatic or overreacting and I have talked myself around from something I deeply felt to be true I have regretted it.

I knew, before I went, that I was not feeling excitement, a sense of respect, consistency or openness from him and I went against my better judgement and now I regret it.

That is the absolute last time I make that mistake.

Good for you, brannigan.

Yes take from it that you can certainly trust your instinct.

I also think it's true when people say on these threads, when a man is interested you know it. No second guessing, no wondering why he hasn't called or texted, no thinking what is he up to. He will be falling over himself to get you if he is keen.

Oh OP, I am so angry for you.

We’ve all (unfortunately) been there. It is the worst, it’s shit. Give yourself a few days to feel crap about it and then plan some nice stuff to do at the weekend & get on with your life, as hard as that is!

Thank god in a way you did only see him 4-5 times throughout the whole time. Think how much more attached you’d have been had it been an intense few months where you saw each other every day, you should be able to get back to normal pretty quickly.

You sound like you’ve had serious bad luck with men- you deserve some good luck, you’re due it! Agree with the other poster and yourself, as SOON as you start doubting them and they start acting shady you know it’s not right. Men ALWAYS go after what they want, they WILL chase you if they like you. We all need to listen to our instincts more.

Big hugs. X

I also think it's true when people say on these threads, when a man is interested you know it. No second guessing, no wondering why he hasn't called or texted, no thinking what is he up to. He will be falling over himself to get you if he is keen.

I have had more trouble with that type than any other though.

It's hard.

Doesn't seem to be any rules that truly protect you.

yes there is: always trust your instincts.

I was talking to DH yesterday about a friend whose husband left her and her kids for another woman, and he idly said 'It's quite hard to see what your friend did wrong, really.' I nearly took his ear off by furiously exclaiming that she did NOTHING WRONG and that sometimes partners turn out to be shitty and unreliable people. He was somewhat cowed by the end of my outburst but admitted that I had a point.

I think people like to be able to pinpoint something, anything, that the other person 'did wrong' because that means it won't happen to them too. The trouble is, there are no such guarantees.

You didn't do anything wrong, op.

He's sent me a very, very long email about how he feels and all that. Pretty much all of it about himself, his childhood, how messed up he is and how he pushes people away.

He's not trying to change his mind or anything, more apologising or whatever which I suppose is a small comfort.

Still feel like shit though.

Oh, fuck him.

Not literally, obv.

Don't even bother reading - block and ignore. He sounds like an utter drama llama who is totally fixated on how sad he is about how sad you must be, rather than just - radical notion - NOT MAKING YOU SAD IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE.

Grrargh.

I'm so sorry OP.

Your instincts were right though, so you should trust them. I do think his last message to you was honest and open. He's fucked up, he's truly fucked up, he sees that and he admits it, but he was cowardly not to open up to you and fucking rude not to communicate. There is nothing worse than a fucked up man being weak and messing people around.

There are some horrible men out there amongst the nice ones. Have a nice time on your date on Saturday try and bump into Dick-guy

you didn't do anything wrong. and tbh he may not have deliberately set out to hurt you either. Some people are messed up for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes it just takes one thing to push them over the edge into realising that they're in the wrong place.

From what you've said about the weekend it sounds as if by showing you pictures from his childhood etc he was trying to normalise it, as much to himself as to you, and that once he was back in his own space the reality hit that nothing about it was normal.

If you'd stayed together it's likely that he would have had wabbles like this along the way, and perhaps with time you might have got past them, but going through them wouldn't have been any less painful, iyswim. At least he has acknowledged now that he has major issues he has to deal with, rather than hurting you more in the process.

Even wrt the sex it's possible that he got caught in the moment, and wanted it to be right, so in his head he made it right. but if he has that many issues then living from date to date just isn't enough, and it's the times when he will be left with his thoughts that would have been the issue, for both of you.

At least he has been honest - block and move on would have been much easier but he hasn't done that.