Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

Ragwort, " a connection on the other levels" ?, Obviously not the levels you could connect with in a bar or restaurant or other public place.

OP, cheeky of me to ask I know ,but have you dtd with Mr Busy?

No, I don't think he meant that. The text said he thought I was very pretty and seemed lovely but it was early days and we should spend time together seeing if we enjoyed talking and doing thing together. It was more nice than pervy. But not very romantic!

No, we've not done the deed yet. He's said he wants to "do it properly" so he's not expecting sex and oferred me separate rooms tonight if I felt more comfortable.

Hmmm..he comes across as being generally not great with women or comunicating. He's not smooth, not the player type...more the arkward type but we have good chats when we see each other. I find him attractive and the kissing is good and he is always interested in me and what's going on in my life and asks a lot about DS.

He seems almost like a friend though rather than a lover. He does kiss me and stuff but it's just lacking that passion.

I think because he's not affectionate or romantic or giving me those sorts of vibes men give you when they are really into you that I have by turn not connected to him emotionally at all.

BTW, am going on the weekend away with him because with us both having kids it's pretty difficult to get that time alone. In an ideal world he'd be coming over for dinner or something with less pressure.

He has told me he is more romantic in a relationship. I think for him that bit has not begun yet.

I just wish he was acting a bit more keen so I felt like I was being whisked away on a romantic break with someone keen to see me!

You text him about a dress. That's not very exciting. It's no excuse for not replying but if you know he isn't really a texter, it might be better to give him something to reply too? He might not have thought that you having a dress was worthy of a comment, without going down the sleazy "Can't wait to see you in it" path.

If there's no passion and his communication style drives you mad, I'd cut your losses. He may well be better when he is emotionally involved, for a bit, but you can bet that it'll die back out to this after a while.

He does sound more like an awkward friend rather than someone who is romantically interested in you.

I'm sorry, I've only read your OP but I'm wondering whether a weekend away is too soon for four dates?

That basically translates to me as him saying 'I'm not putting the time in to get to know you but am happy to take you away for a shag'

Hmm,

I had this with my last relationship with the result that it broke off several times and finally ended it after almost a year together, both of us busy people. My guy was lovely too, definitely not a player and had struggled to get over an EA relationship. However, despite me telling him what I needed, daily contact of some sort unless there were drastic reasons why not and some proper forward planning so we both knew when we were definitely seeing each other, he couldn't do it. He later wrote me a massive love letter telling me how much he knew he'd done wrong etc, so we tried a again but for me the feelings had gone.

It's early days for you in some ways but I would be v cautious in thinking that things might not get better. I'd definitely go on the weekend away and then give a bit more thought to how you want things to progress. Tbh you don't seem that into him so maybe you need to think about your own feelings too.

I don't want to feel like I have to police my texts to make them more interesting so I get a response though. I want to just tell him whatever I want to - we're dating - I don't want to have to twist myself into diferrent shapes to be liked or responded to if you know what I mean. He could have replied to the dress text saying "great stuff, super busy day but looking forward to friday".

I think Ikea that when we first met and he was in hot persuit I felt butterflies and fell asleep thinking about him and those emotions / passionate feelings were aroused in me by his actions and how he was towards me.

If he acts like he CBF, it makes me feel like I CBF so really I suppose all that's happenning is that as you describe he's losing my interest.

I have already told him what I want and the affect it has on me when he acts cold and uninterested and business-like so I guess if it's just him then he's not for me.

I will chat about it properly tonight over few beers.

At the stage I don't actually care either way other than just generally feeling like I'd rather be staying hom tonight with a DVD and bottle of wine.

From what you've said, the weekend away is a matter of convenience, due to childcare etc, rather than something that is right for the stage of the relationship.

As pp have said, it seems too early. I think you've got muddled with how you'd expect to feel about a romantic weekend away, all hearts and flowers, when it isn't really a romantic relationship yet, so you're being unfair to expect the same level of excitement, on both sides.

V difficult for a relationship to develop at an appropriate speed when so many externals, work/dcs, take precedence.

But give it a shot. After 2 days together alone, you'll be in a much better position to judge whether you have a future with this man.

I know you have both been super busy, but 4 dates in 3 months isn't showing a willingness on his part .

He has " arranged" a weekend away and two dates...it all sounds very business like.

I'd ask for a separate room and play it by ear.

I would call it off, personally. Sounds like a waste of time. Who wants to be in a 'relationship' with someone who sees it as an effort and a chore?

I understand where you're coming from.

Getting a relationship off the ground takes time, effort and attention. I must admit, I need quite a bit of passion and attention at the start or I quickly lose interest. Plenty of time for it to settle down later.

I hope you manage to have a good time anyway. :-)

I'll give it the two days and after that I am done. Life's too short to settle for a new relationship that feels "meh".

I would go, as you may as well if it’s already booked/paid for, but use the weekend to really get to know him- a last ditch attempt if you like.

Not really bothering with you all week prior to this weekend away would in some ways pee me off. Texting each other that you’re looking forward to seeing one another, flirty messages etc is what builds the excitement in those early stages isn’t it? The anticipation etc.

Yes, go, spend some time with him and re-assess after the weekend.

Try and have fun!

That reminds me of this:

markmanson.net/fuck-yes

OP, I guess you must have made arrangements for childcare and so forth.

I think I might be inclined to speak to him before you meet and ask him how he feels about spending the weekend together. You could use the excuse of asking advice on what sort of clothes to pack; will there be a lot of walking involved?, that sort of thing.

I say this because you say you are not all that bothered about meeting him now you've had time to think about the situation and perhaps he is feeling the same way too.

Not saying you should cancel your plans just yet, you could have an amazing time together but I don't detect there being a spark between you atm.

Yes thanks needtovent, you just helped me clariffy in my head what my problem is here:

Texting each other that you’re looking forward to seeing one another, flirty messages etc is what builds the excitement in those early stages isn’t it? The anticipation etc.

that's exactly it...without that...I'm not very excited!

I will try and have fun :)

You get to this point I am finding in dating where it's quite hard to date anyone who doesn't come with some sort of issues. Divorced for some reason, bit broken, bit something and you start to try and analyse "oh well maybe he is not used to dating as it's been so long".

Then I got to this new point in around the last year where I stopped caring. I don't care why they do or don't do something. I only care that they do it.

Reasons are becomign meaningless and I don't really want to compromise or analyse or have to post on MN because I am confused and can't alk to anyone. I just want people to call if they like me and act excited if they are excited and be easy.

It's tiring after a while and simplicity is what I want.

Doesn't sound like he's at all interested but seeing as the offer of free, no hassle sex is there..he's going along with the weekend. If you'd rather stay in with a DVD and bottle of wine, do that.

I'd phone him and tell him you will take up his kind offer of separate rooms...too early on in the relationship etc. and see what his reaction is.

If he's just looking for sex, you'll soon know whether the weekend away is on or off because if he is, I'm certain something "urgent" will crop up to force him to cancel his plans.

I'm going against most of the opinions here, but I read your OP and thought you sounded very needy.

Given you've both been busy, take this weekend as a chance to get to know each other without distraction. There's no expectation for sex, just treat it as a hiatus and make a decision at the end of the weekend as to how you feel about him and if this is a relationship worth persuing.

I have just started dating someone very similar, we have been talking for a couple months, have met ( got on really well ) but there is a lack of effort on his part, he does message me most days but is usually tired so conversation doesn't last long. I don't feel the romance, he's not really a romantic person, I think in a way I would like someone to send me a slushy text message or maybe send me flowers, for this reason I am getting a bit bored and frustrated waiting for him to put more effort in but it's hard to end it because when we do talk we get on really well.

I don't know what to suggest OP, it would be easy for me to tell you 'to walk away, you deserve better and if he really wanted to be with you he would put in the effort', the sensible thing to do I to walk away but I know it's not always that easy. Maybe go on the weekend away and see what happens, it might be brilliant or it might be the final straw.

No, he'd be fine with the separate rooms thing, he' not after sex.

Hmmm...I got concerned I was needy myself, but I can tell you if he texts me and I don't reply within 2 - 3 hours he is texting me asking if everyhting is ok and if he has done something.

So I don't think I am being needy...I think he is just saying he wants a relationship with me and not reflecting it in his actions.

But thanks Never and all, I do think it will be make or break so better to go talk face to face. I've no emotions either way on the issue but being 37 I don't want to waste ages on a non starter

OP, you don't sound needy at all, just nice and normal.

Mmm Chilli, I think he is looking forward to it, he's made suggestions of things to do and what not. I feel certain that if I cancelled he'd say "why? what did I do? I was really looking forward to it".

I suppose he just doesn't show it.

Like I said if I go quiet he panics. He knows he's not very good at this. He's just got to put a bit more into it I suppose.

I'll see how it goes. Might just get him drunk and find out what he's so stiff for!

I'd go ...see what happens. He may just be a 'slow starter' and you could be surprised by what happens ...! If it doesn't work out, well, you know what to do.