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Relationships

Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

283 replies

brannigan · 21/08/2015 10:44

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 22:46

Don't know what went wrong with my typing there, sorry a bit scattered!

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ChilliAndMint · 23/08/2015 22:49

It is clear OP that you are not high on his list of priorities despite the fact that you spent the night together.

May I suggest you delete all contact details..phone number, whatsapp facebook etc.

You deserve to be with a decent man who finds you irresistible .

Player or not he sounds like a cold fish and for that reason I'd move on.

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 22:50

He's just whatsapped me. I've not read it. As soon as I open it he will know I have read it so I might leave it unopened. It will say something fucking stupid like "how are you?"

Grrr!!!

Stupid man, no wonder he's single!!! There's ha to be a reason why someone that nice, good looking, interesting and clever is left on the shelf!

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 22:52

Tell a lie it was someone else with the same first name. Looked too quickly.

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 22:55

So you need to get rid of this what's app and stick to common or garden txt.

Ignore the what's app op.

Stick to your guns.

I don't know. 11 pm on a Sunday night. It's almost like a booty call.

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 22:55

No chilli, I don't think I am high on his list of priorities.

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 22:55

Awwww!

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ChilliAndMint · 23/08/2015 22:56

My last " dalliance" with a bloke who seemed "perfect", was anything but. After out first date he asked me to remove my OLD profile which I did.

I might add that I met him in RL, and he was super keen from day one. In fact I asked him to slow down and get to know one another properly.

I wrote about what happened quite recently. It is not the first time this has happened to me, but it is hard to get the true measure of someone you have spent little time with.

The writing is on the wall, you can't start a fire without a spark.

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 22:56

Canyou delete what's app.

You need to be able to read a txt without him knowing.

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 22:59

Isn't there a condition for people who can't recognise the emotions of others. Who are a bit oblivious and don't seem to realise that what they do/ don't do is upsetting.

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 22:59

I'm not deleting whatsapp. I use it to communicate with my friends and family. I'm really not going to let anyone push me to those silly levels.

Come to think of it why do I care if he knows I have read it and not replied?

I think he probably does need a short sharp lesson

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 23:03

I don't have it. Don't use it. So don't know too much about it. I only use txt.

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 23:04

Dowser...my DS has autism and has "condition" which makes him a bit like that but even so you tell him once and he remembers what you said and doesn't do it again.

I do genuinely think this man will be upset if / when I dump over this so he does have some sort of total lack of something going on.

Doesn't mean I want to live with it for the next 40 years though. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who you literally spell out stuff that pisses you off and they keep doing it and then act mystified when you're annoyed.

Urgh

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ChilliAndMint · 23/08/2015 23:05

Dowser, that is Aspergers, I don't think he has this.

You can delete/block him from whatsapp, google how to do it for I phone, android or windows. Windows is tricky, best of luck x

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 23:06

Just re read your original post. He's a father too. Wondering how involved he is with their lives.

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 23:07

He's a totally amazing father. Constantly showing me photos, totally focusses on them, constantly telling me stories about them, always asking about my kids and is genuinely interested.

It's completely weird!!!!

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Dowser · 23/08/2015 23:10

It is weird. Sleep on it . See how you feel in the morning. Well done for not having itchy fingers and texting. You might only have regretted it.

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 23/08/2015 23:12

Humm, I think time will tell what exactly his behaviour means.

It's been said a few times that dating when older is different as people aren't so natural with the text stuff.

So my question is, after DTD pre-mobile phones, what would have been the polite behaviour?

Im afraid I'm not actually sure about the ettiquette as my experiences were a hydrid of both, as mobile popularity hit when I was dating but texting hadnt blossomed yet, in fact I remember being shown this cool secret messaging thing that engineers used (!), and it was all mixed into my coming of age decade and growing independence... So I don't have a clue about postcoital ettiquette!

If he's a polite and kind man, he should be sticking to this behaviour, or making a stab at the newer texting type rituals. But just not contacting you that goes beyond either of those expectations is not really excusable in the same way. And it's then not likely to be because of confusion around ettiquette, and you're left with a few possibilities for why he's deciding to treat you in this way...

eg he's too wrapped up in himself to break through his inhibitions and think about you, he's too set in his ways and incapable of change, he's being super cautious and not ready to let his guard down yet, he's somewhat controlling and likes it when his 'girl' is a bit desperate and wrong footed, or, he's just not into you... Etc etc etc!

But whatever the answer, all possibilities lead to the same point (an all roads lead to Rome kinda thang): Are you willing to play by his rules?

So, are you willing & are you able to adapt your expectations and emotional response? Or is that too much to ask?

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brannigan · 23/08/2015 23:15

No, I am at the point in my life where I am absolutely not willing to play by anyone else's rules. I have plenty of other options.

That's not the same as not being willing to compromise or being understanding - I am willing for that - but if someone else's ways don't meet my own ways then we're not a match.

If his idea of a relationship is that he contacts me whenever he's not doing anything else, he best find someone else.

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ChilliAndMint · 23/08/2015 23:18

He's pigeon holed you..I would not be comfortable with that.

You sound like a very level headed and mature woman.

Happy to hear you won't dance to his tune.

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springydaffs · 23/08/2015 23:41

He may not have pigeon-holed you. He may be a one-track sort ie FULL attention on what's in front of him, what he involved in at that moment (remember how keen he was on your dress, how he opened up about his life fully when you meet recently) but out of sight is out of mind. He may have cognitive issues with this...

But that's not good enough! He texted you every night and every morning for a month so he can do it.

Really, don't talk, ACT.

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MiscellaneousAssortment · 24/08/2015 00:00

You sound very sensible OP :)

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Iflyaway · 24/08/2015 00:27

NEXT!

Honestly, he sounds a run-around and you are so much worth more than that...

Remember that.

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HellKitty · 24/08/2015 01:05

Read his whatsapp message but don't reply. Let him wonder what's happening.

I live with my online dating experience (!) and even now, five years on, he'll text if he's at work. It takes seconds but shows you're thinking about the other person.

I personally couldn't go out with this guy.

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SnowAway · 24/08/2015 01:08

Wow - really? You had a lovely weekend with a lovely man and then you let Mumsnet collective outrage work you up into a frenzy. You want him to contact you, he has contacted you and now you're not going to read it because he will be able to see that you've read it.

Yes he didn't text you after you had sex - but he did go out of his way to do a 3 hour round trip to drive you home. Isn't that better than a text? More romantic?

He sounds like he wants a grown up relationship. Why are you so insecure? Stop ruining this for yourself by behaving like a teenager.

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