Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

My understanding is that the whatsapp message the OP saw was not from him.

If I slept with someone for the first time, and he didn't contact me the next day, I'd think he was either only after a ONS - or he was just not that keen. :-(

It wasn't from him, the message.

You're forgetting I posted on MN because I was feeling less than respected before it began. Having sex with him and a lovely intimate night was great, but it spoils all that when he doesn't contact me afterwards.

I sent him a nice text and there was no reciprocation. It's not very nice, doesn't make you feel nice and a big part of a grown up relationship I think is listening to what is important to the other person and acting on that. I've told him this is really important to me...and he's not listened.

Whether he is keen or not, he's made me feel like he isn't which is really all that matters. I shouldn't need to analyse or decipher any of this stuff really.

To be honest, I wish I'd had the mumsnet collective rage working me into frenzy 10 years ago because I'd have saved wasted the last decade on half arsed men. People can be lovely and give you lovely times but if their behavior makes you feel like crap why should you adapt to fit with it? He's not earned that from me yet. He's meant to be showing me (and vice versa) what's on offer here.

I want someone to drive me home and call me after sex. I don't think that's too demanding to want that.

I've only been out with him a few times I don't see why I should tell myself to expect less than I want. Not being a spoiled brat but I have done that in the past and ended up with a fat lot of nothing to show for all my sacrifices.

I'm so sorry that I missed the bit about the whatsapp not being from him! Stupid me.

I would expect a morning/night text and definitely an after sex text!!! It shows he gives a shit. It takes what, five seconds? Especially in the early days and especially if he used to when he was chasing you! If that makes me sound needy then I don't care. In my small circle of male friends they all text their wives several times a day and vice versa.

You had doubts. But you still slept with him. Get some self respect and standards.

Lol.

And get a hair shirt for yourself while you're at it, OP. :-)

Tigger, I don't think that's very helpful , op is probably feeling bad enough don't you think?

Sadly I think this happens quite a lot ( more so with OLD ), it's happened to me and it hurts. It's quite easy to fall for someone's flattery and be oblivious to the warning signs.

OP, I hope you are ok, I hope you have learnt something from your expereance, people are not always as they seem, people are great at lying and men are good at making you feel special, they are also good at changing their minds. Give yourself time to get over it and then move on, next time you will be more careful ( I know I am ).

I cancelled a second date on the weekend as I was getting the not bothered/can't be arsed vibes from him. Several days without contact, no excitement or anticipation building. Without that, I don't see the point. If he's not making a big effort now, he never is going to is he?

I agree Picked, I think if someone's interested they will put in the effort. I'm going through the same at the moment with someone I went on a date with, his messaging has almost dried up and he tends to talk about himself rather than asking about me, it's pretty obvious that it's not going to work so I have arranged a date with another man on Friday ( someone who seems more caring ) but I'm not getting my hopes up. I think until you have been on 3 or 4 dates you can't really relax, anything can happen. This time I'm going in with a very open mind and not getting any hopes up.

Where have I missed that it's ended?

At the moment he ball is still in op's court. However two days after your special night...I'd definitely be feeling very un special.

I looked up the definition of the word relationship...a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection

I think that's the key. With his hot and cold behaviour. Hot ie interested and investing a lot of emotion in their relationship when together and then cold not putting any thought or feeling into the relationship when they are apart so that op feels disconnected.

It's very easy to be all lovey dovey while you are together but it's how the relationship runs when you are apart that is equally important.

Op has already ended it with him once as she felt disconnected. Is it a relationship or just a few nice dates with someone whose company you enjoy? That's the crucial question. In three months they had four dates. In three months with my man we went quite quickly from once a week to twice . Plus a week away ias well. We communicated every day. We began as on line daters so that communication was already in place for six weeks before we met.

So where does that leave you op? I don't think you want your emotions messed about to such an extent and I think when he gets in touch and you have your next date it's time to say, I don't think you're ready for a committed relationship yet. By now I would expect you tobe his first thought and not his after thought.

To put it in a nutshell, I'd want a man who shows he cares as much about me when we are apart as we are together. Someone who nurtures the relationship. It's like that part of him is switched off.

"Because I don't like his communication style" is a perfectly allowable reason to stop seeing someone, if it matters to you.

It definitely would matter to me.

I guess that most people who are on MN enjoy communicating with written words.

It wouldn't hurt to explain one more time that this IS important, and see if he can make more of an effort or whether this is a fundamental lack that cannot be remedied. All you would lose would be a little bit of time.

So, he can text twice a day for a month when it suited him, but is choosing not to now. Why would that be?

Can't think of any good reason, only lousy ones.

Get back on the dating site and start chatting to some other people. This guy is causing you far too much angst when you've actually only spent a few hours together.

This would bother me too. The main issue isn't so much the lack of communication, it's that you've told him that it hurts you, and he isn't willing to take the 20 seconds necessary to text "thank you for a lovely weekend" or "thinking of you and wishing I wasn't so busy" once a day.

Dh texted me more, not less, after our first weekend away together.

If someone makes you feel insecure and unhappy, no matter how nice they may be in other ways, they are not the one for you.

well to me it's mixed messages. he makes an effort when he sees you but ignores a text for days after a weekend away. like out of sight, out of mind.

he knows it's a problem yet continues. he's not going to change. that is who he is. he's done it before, lost someone, regretted it and is still doing it again.

i'm afraid i would be moving on. life IS to short for this sort of stuff. what you're after is not unreasonable. i think it's basic courtesy.

You are not compatible in quite a fundamental way. My DH lived 100 miles away from me, when we met. We long distanced for 4 years because our respective kids had schooling issues. At first he wasn't much of a tester but no matter where he was in the world I'd get emails and photos (he travelled a lot for work). That was fine with me. We've been married for 6 years now. His phone calls are brief, he emails still and we communicate "enough" for us. I'm happy. He's always planning little trips for us. We share little jokes by text. YouTube music or clips to each other.

I have friends who text/call 3 or 4+ times daily. I don't need that.

I think that a lot of people here have put it into words a lot better than I would or could.

I do just want to feel like he has thought of me.

I do just want to feel a growing sense of relationship and connection.

Whatever he says about his business, we are talking about seconds, not even a minute a day.

Whatever he says about his texting or communucation style he was perfectly able to do it when we first met.

None of this is good in a new relationship. I do in a sense hate throwing away things with someone who is obviously a solid man who ticks so many boxes but I think I want to feel good. Especially at this phase...first sex...first few dates...why shouldn't I want to feel special? And I won't be made to feel needy or demanding for wanting that off someone.

Still heard nothing!

I would go and make the most of it. Either way, it's an experience and you will see how he is in person (behaviourally, mannerism, sense if there's true romance and if he's genuine).

It's an exciting time, don't hesitate - we only live once (god I sound like my 'cool' 16 year old nephew)

Wish you the best! Let us know how it goes - exciting gossip for a monday morning hehe x

op stop playing games. Really, so he hasn't contacted you to say he enjoyed your first night together, did you contact him to say the same? no? so you're expecting him to do the chasing and if he doesn't you're not going to speak to him? When you text him does he reply to your texts? it sounds as if he replied to the one you sent when you left him on Sat night so why are you sitting waiting for him to make the first move?

Honestly, if you like the bloke then communicate with him. If he ignores your attempts to communicate with him then that is a whole different issue, but seriously wanting to bin him because he's not texted you first makes you sound like a teenager. Stop the childish gameplaying, send him a text and see if he responds. If he consistently doesn't respond to anything you say then get rid, but if you're waiting for him to text first it's just as likely he's waiting for the same in which case you'll never get anywhere.

You've not read the thread. I did contact him as soon as he droped me off to thank him and to say how great it had been and he did not do the same back.

Here's the point.

I have told him when he goes quiet or go days without communication it makes me feel unwanted, rejected and sad. He know this.

Why on earth would he think it would not be true more than ever right after we have sex?

He has left me unsure if he thought it was rubbish and wants to get out of things.

It's actually nasty. Totally selfish. Totally thoughtless.

I think maybe the mismatch between your communication styles is too great to be overlooked - as it is, realistically he'll only get in touch because he know you'll be sad if he doesn't. He'll resent that eventually, and you'll know that he's only doing it under duress and so it won't be the same really.

Better to end it now and find someone who is just as communicative and happy to chat as you are. Whatever else he's got going for him, this won't work.

I will point out that I've told my DH a few times that I would like him to exercise restraint in his crushing 'telling it straight' manner, and that he does visibly try to do so. He doesn't always manage it, but I love him for listening, remembering and trying. Your bloke doesn't seem to be doing steps 2 or 3, so that for me would be a deal-breaker.

It's not worth putting yourself through any of this, he won't be giving it a second thought. When (if) he finally contacts you, dump his sorry arse for being a selfish, ignorant bastard.

You've still notheard from him OP?

I think you have your answer there, don't you?

FWIW I think you sound very switched on and aware of what you want and expect. You'll find someone just perfect I know it