Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

He sounds more than a bit controlling IMO. He's called all the shots..ignored your messages for days and gets the hump if you don't text him back straight away.

Could be wrong but you'll soon find out what really makes him tick.

As for getting him drunk, I'd tread very carefully, not everyone is a happy drunk, if he's so up tight the drink might serve to show a more unpleasant side to him.

I really hope you enjoy your weekend though.

Wow Chilli, I'm sure the OP is really going to enjoy her weekend now after your last post!!

Tbh he sounds like he's relatively inexperienced with women (was the hurtful break up a few years ago the woman he has children with? Was there anyone before her?) and between that and being busy with work and family commitments (as you've been too) is coming across badly.

The positive things you mention about him sound really lovely. I think go along this weekend, don't initiate a conversation about this immediately and see how the weekend pans out, then decide whether to see where it goes, raise the subject or ditch him.

I'd go with an open mind - and if I didn't have a nice time then I wouldn't see him again.

I'm so glad my dating days were done before mobile phones and computers - part of the fun was waiting for the phone call and rushing home to see if the answerphone light was flashing!

Ah, yes, SirChenjin, I remember it well ... so glad I'm an ancient crone now, no more 'bother' with 'will he/won't he'? My lover (same age as I) always will! OP, just go along with the weekend and then make up your mind. He may just be a bit - well - shy and not really used to how dating etiquette goes. At the worst, you'll have a weekend away and if it doesn't work out, dump him!

Go! And tell us how you got on

I think it was really good so far. He took me to his house before going off..showed me around and stuff that is special to him like his photos and stuff. He was a gentleman, really affectionate and keeps asking if I am ok and stuff. He also opened up a lot about who he is and he's seemingly pretty emotional intelligent, sensitive and has a really nice way about him. We laughed a lot. In the end I never brought it up because he just looked so happy to see me. He's sleeping now.

Sounds promising . Have a lovely rest of the weekend.

"he thought I was very attractive physically and he wanted to put time in together to see if there was also a connection on the other levels."

I think if you continue with him, you'll end up one of those women who is convinced she is going mad/feels forced to turn into an endless babbling "bubbly extrovert type" and has to instigate contact all the time.

Because their Mr Calm and Sensible and Reserved likes to delude himself he is tooooooooooo speshul and busy to lower himself to send a couple of texts, he will have intimacy with a woman who looks the way he wants when HE wants it on HIS time only.

Your looks are "acceptable". you need to work on your personality now, like a performing monkey.

If you care for someone or care about what they think you adjust to suit them. And...shock horror you're actually interested in what they have to say!

not letting someone know the plans TILL THE ACTUAL DAY is annoying and rude if you haven't got a well-established contact routine already

He is setting the (low) expectation

"my time and "mental space" is more important than yours". are you dating professor stephen hawking crossed with barack obama?

Well, we had a lovely time and he's definitely not controlling or nasty or a player or anything bad. He's definitely just a regular "nice guy" who's maybe a bit of a slow burner and deep thinker.

He was romantic, he took me to great places he wanted me to see that he thought I'd like, he talked to me about his past and asked about mine, showed me photos of where he grew up and wanted me to spend time in his house. When my best friend called this morning he asked to say hello to her and he was quite playful and seemed happy that I'd told her about him. He drove me home tonight to save me getting the train and it was a three hour round trip which he said gave us time to chat, so that was very gentlemanly. Even though the train would have been a lot quicker! It was still nice.

He's made clear plans to see me again and dicussed how we'd do better at fitting in time together around the kids / work and distance between us. He says we both just have to make more of an effort.

He's not hearts and flowers like I have experienced before, but the conversations we had were so interesting. He has quite a deep level of intellect and he analyses things a bit like a woman! I loved getting to know him better actually and came away liking him a lot more.

He's very likeable and gentle and quite humble and self effacing but also quite dynamic and driven...this would be only his third relationship he has had since he was 23, so he's quite inexperienced.

I do still feel a little unsure where he stands, he doesn't give a lot away and but I suppose if he wants to spend time with me and I want to spend time with him I will just do that and see what happens.

I hope I do grow on him because he's definitely growing on me!

Result!

I was going to say last night, don't bother, I wouldnt. Shows what I know.

I think you are seeing my man Brannigan ;-)

Just caught up with all this thread and was dying to say he sounds more introverted than anything else just like my man and please don't binhimjust yet.

He might have so much more to offer.

We lived 25 miles away , so just over 40 minutes drive so it was really important to both of us we had regular email/ text or phone contact.

At least one of the three each day . Usually email I think. However we were seeing each other pretty soon from fri to Sunday and Wednesday's as well.

I was on,y his 2 Nd relationship and we were both mid fifties.

Mine is a gentleman too. Very caring , very thoughtful . Only romantic on birthdays, Christmas, valentines etc but loving and thoughtful the rest of the time which was far more important.

He sounds keen on you and as you get to know one another better you will be better able to play to each others strengths.

OP I'm really pleased for you. I'm sorry for saying he sounded a bit controlling.

I would advocate that you take things slowly and keep an open mind because you have yet to learn about the real him.

I've been caught out many times, just recently in fact;but I hope for both of you that this will blossom into a wonderful relationship.

Oh please don't be sorry! So grateful for the help yesterday and I know it's difficult to answer anything from a post but more often than not you all seem to get it spot on.

I have to say...every single time I have given a man the benefit of the doubt I have come to regret it later so it's hard to do it without feeling you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Like I said, really not sure he likes me much still, but do feel sure he's wanting to spend time with me which maybe for now is enough.

Glad it went well OP.

I'd play a bit harder to get iiwy. He's got to work for you and he seems to have dropped off doing that. He says you've both got to make more of an effort but it's him who needs to step up.

I say this bcs I really agree with you about making excuses and regretting it later. The fact is, you want more attention and more chasing. He's got to do that to get you.

Don't tell him all this btw, let him work it out. In fact don't tell him anything at all: actions speak louder than words (and he may find the instructions off-puttin? Which is irrelevant bcs you find his lukewarm dithering off-putting). Eg this last w/e he thought he had you in the bag bcs you bought a dress, then didn't bother to contract you until the morning you were supposed to be going away. In future, if he leaves it that late say 'oh i'm sorry, as I didn't hear from you I thought it was off and I've made other plans'. Make him work a bit.

Thanks Springy. I know it would be nice to get him putting on a bit of a chase. I suppose I have floundered there because when your schedules are that busy and you have to organise babysitters it's quite hard to change plans etc.

On the upside, I'd say generally speaking he does text me everyday, and 99% of the time he instigates that. He also suggests all the plans and goes to some trouble to come up with things he thinks I'd like.

I would agree "the chase" has fallen off a little bit. I will try maybe and be less available by text? I always reply right away and have chats whenever he hs the time.

I suppose I have to see what he does next. I bet I don't hear from him tomorrow! Am going to have to learn patience and calm of mind with this one.

When I saw him he was really excited about the dress by the way. He's a very odd person in some ways! Maybe not all people are the best texters.

Good point Jarlin re the difference between the gushers = unrealiable in the long run and the slow starters.

BUT you can hold out for what you want. yy don't reply immediately to texts, don't be available at the drop of a hat (and by that I mean don't be emotionally available eg answering texts immediately. Make him wait).

As hard as it is, let a golden opportunity go at the beginning. I say this because if he's like this at the very start, when things are, or should be, at their best, you'll battle with this if the relationship goes the long haul. Keep yourself at a distance and let him work a bit.

This isn't game-playing btw. It is common sense. He has to work for the prize (or he won't value it). What we establish at the very start has a tendence to get set in concrete - so establish what you want ie him working to get you.

Really happy it went well. Just take your time and enjoy

"He's not hearts and flowers like I have experienced before"
But think of it this way, all the ones you dated before who were all hearts and flowers didn't last did they.

"Maybe not all people are the best texters."
Spot on! I did most of my dating pre internet and pre mobile phones so I'm bemused by this constant texting that seems to be the norm these days. It's a crap way of communicating, and I often have no idea what to write. My BF seems pretty much the same. We can talk and talk when we're together but texts often feel a little awkward. When I hear about some people who always text every day, as soon as they wake up and when they go to bed, I wonder what they talk about probably the same shite as the day before, and the day before that, which ends up just being meaningless words said out of habit and expectation

Very pleased to hear it as well. Not everyone rushes into things. Personally I find it very weird in the early days to go from not knowing someone to them suddenly texting every day like we know each other. I like a day or so to be alone and let it sink in, the change, what if this is it, do I really like him, let me relive what's happened so far etc.

Friendship is a plant of slow growth x congrats so far x

That's very, very true that it's never worked out with the gushers and yes they have all tured out to be lying, cheating bastards for the most part.

I suppose that technically it's quite good to have someone who takes their time to like you because when/ if they do it's more genuine.

He's done certain things which I find really positive. Like taking down his online dating profile (completely deleting rather than hiding) a few weeks ago after only a few dates and sending me quite a formal message out of nowhere to say he had done it as he wanted to concentrate on getting to know me.

I would really like some time to get to know each other without me flipping out because hes not phoned or texted as much as I would like so I am going to make a decision an completely detach form that expectation right now so as not to mess this up.

He did text me / phone me more at the beginning but two things were true. (1) He was trying to get me to go out with him, and I was busy / had other plans and it took a lot of pursuit. Obviously now he doesn't need to chase. (2) His life was genuinely a lot less busy at that time.

He didn't text me yesterday or this morning, which yes, isn't the best after you've first DTD in terms of the old ego and I won't lie and say I wasn't a bit miffed because I was, but I do know he had a really incredibly busy day today and was worried about getting it all done so I will try and detach.

I think you're right about making him wait a bit on the texts. Even if it's 2 - 3 hours he might be wondering what I am doing, if I am still keen and just that glimmer of wondering might be a bit healthy. Put him a little bit in my shoes and maybe, yes, turning down a golden opportunity once or twice might be a little push!

At the moment I feel sure he wants a relationship nd not just a shag, I feel sure he's not interested in anyone else, I feel sure he feels strong attraction to me, I feel sure he wants to spend time with me, I fee sure he would be very upset and deflated if I walked away.

I am just not sure he is looking at me and thinking "wow, I really like this woman" or anything like that.

He likes you. A lot. He's just not a natural texter.