Help me decide what to do tonight - cancel or not?

[brannigan]

I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. I say three months but we've only had 4 dates because we both have insane summer-heavy jobs and also both had long holidays away over summer with our respective kids.

We keep in touch via text and phone quite regularly.

I like him...he ticks all the boxes. Handsome, clever, kind, responsible but he is also a it rubbish at romance which he apologises for. I admittedly feel no sense of intimacy at all with him.

I ended it a few weeks ago as I felt he wasn't making enough effort to see me and contact was dwindling which I read as a loss off interest. He phoned and said it wasn't a loss of interest he was just busy over the summer and was going to put some real effort into building a relationship after summer. He said he was a bit lost after being hurt a few years ago and this was his first relationship and he seems sincere (he's not a player) so I decided to give the benefit of the doubt.

So this week is the week our schedules finally get easier and we had long ago booked to spend the weekend away together, and I am meant to be leaving in a few hours.

On the upside, he has made the effort to plan something, and he has also made plans for a couple more dates and another weekend away next month and has acted the perfect gentleman in that sense.

On the downside, he's barely talked to me all week and could have made time to ask me out for a drink or something but hasn't. He went two days without a single text or call at the start of the week, then said he was sorry someone had died (sounded like a very long distance ex work colleague) and then the past two days he had done it again to the point I woke up this morning unsure if I was going or not. He's also not once said he is looking forward to seeing me or anything at all.

I got a text this morning finally to say sorry he'd been mentally busy and what time and when to meet him.

I don't want to be a drama queen, but it all feels so depressing....going on a weekend away with a man who can't be fucked to find 30 seconds in a day to text me and hasn't said a word about being pleased to see me after 6 weeks apart.

What should I do?

I am leaning towards going along and trying to talk to him and get to the bottom of this cold behavior and figure out what's going on and on the other hand I just feel a bit like going out with someone else who can be arsed a bit more.

He's not a dick...not at all...but I get the sense he's not the best with women.

I hope so Matilda! Really do! So hard not to feel like he doesn't.

Honest, the signs are really good. Like I've said all along, he's not a natural texter but if that's his only fault I'd be pretty pleased.

Try not to over think it.x

Thanks so much Jarlin. Thanks God for Mumsnet as there's always someone with some wise advice to stop you from doing something silly or getting it wrong.

I think what I am going to do is dust up a little bit and make lots of plans with friends and to do fun things after a summer of work, work, work.

Your man sounds lovely actually...I think there's something very lovable about men who maybe don't ooze the hollywood charm but get it right where it counts so if that turns out to be the kind of man I am with I think that would be just fine with me.

I do realise that when someone blows a little cold with you it creates a psycological sense of panic where you start to think all the silly thoughts "does he like me?" and all that.

I remembered today that we are on 5 and it should still be a case of me wondering if I like him. Nevermind what he thinks about me.

So far I do like him, very much, and I will hope he puts the time and effort into spending time with me over the next few weeks as I am afraid while I am okay with the lack of texts I am not going to be okay with dating someone I see once or twice a month.

Watch this space and see what he does next!

I am still going to play it a little harder to get though. When he texts me (finally) I ill wit 3 - 4 hours to reply.

I do think (while I detest games) that when someone seems so available to chat it does subconciously devalue them a bit.

No harm in getting him on his toes a little.

Hmm I must say I would not be happy if I were you.

You spent the night with him for the first time and 24 hours later he hasn't contacted you to say thanks/he enjoyed seeing you/can't wait to see you again.

Even if he's not a texter, that is basic courtesy.

I can see why you're confused.

That's actually a really good point that I completely agree with. It is rude to do that after you have just slept with a woman for the first time. Surely something would have been appropriate.

Not really sure how to communicate that it isn't okay.

I'd be really hurt if I'd slept with a guy and he didn't have the common courtesy to phone let alone text me afterwards.

You say he instigates most contact...have you phoned/texted him?

He might think you are playing games..I really don't know.

You're making excuses for him and compromising on what you want, trying to convince yourself it's all good when deep down you know it's not how you want him to be.

I don't think he has been treating you very well at all. It all sounds very casual and non-committal. He's not stupid is he so where are his manners?

Even if he decided he didn't want to see you again I think he could have contacted you last night to say thanks, hope you're ok.

Keep a check on your feelings op. I think this guy will do your head in if you stick it out with him. I would tell him where to go tbh.

I messaged him right after he dropped me off to say thanks and it had been nice and asked him about a trip in a few weeks if he wanted to come and he replied that he had to check his diary. That was all he said and absolutely nothing since. I know he had a mad day today ....but it's still pretty crap

He'll drive you round the twist and destroy your peace of mind.

He doesn't sound very keen does he?

Wouldn't it be lovely if he had sent you just one text saying, really busy today but can't stop thinking about you.

Yes. Picked my poison that would have been all he needed to do

You could text him that you're disappointed to have not heard from him after your w/e re DTD. Then follow it up with a short , straight to the point chat. But make it clear it's not on; act accordingly re don't be easily available. This guy has got to learn!

It looks like he's serious if he's deleted his profile. But if he didn't look after his car it would pack up on him. Same with you. He has to learn that.

I have been in this situation with someone I was dating, it went weeks before he eventually text and he made out he was waiting for me to text him and assumed I wasn't interested in him after dtd. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we met up again, whilst I was with him he begged to see me again then after he went I heard nothing. I realised he was just a 'head fuck' and I haven't attempted to make contact with him since. When I was with him he was the perfect gentleman, knew exactly what to say and do.

You need to text him, he maybe waiting for you to contact him, or he maybe a complete ass hole and won't reply, either way you need to know or you will go out of your mind wondering.

I'm not going to text him. I'm going to leave it, mainly to measure the amount of time he takes. No doubt it will be tomorrow night, with a message to say "sorry not been in touch, so busy. How are you?"

His last girlfriend left him because he was not putting enough into it, and he was heartbroken. She met someone else and is now married with a baby with that man. you'd think he would have learned and springy I actually have already told him it made me feel he wasn't interested when his contact was sporadic. I'm not going to spell out the obvious.

The last person I slept with was very busy too. The night we spelt together he'd gone in advance and bought a card for me, wrote it out and hid it under my pillow to thank me for a lovely evening and texted just after he left telling me to look underneath.

I am pretty annoyed TBH now. It would take all of 10 seconds to text so as to treat me like I mattered.

I'm in a state of mind again now where I CBF with this person, and am feeling like telling him to shove it up his arse.

i'd be upset too. let's see how long he takes but i'd be tempted to say

'look clearly we have different expectations of what constitutes normal communication. you just don't seem that interested so i'm afraid i'm not interested either.'

OP, I think you must not take him at his word.

He does seem to be playing things a bit too cool IMO.

Wouldn't get my hopes up yet, and don't make excuses for him. A few seconds out of his life to call or text you?

Socially inept or not, even the most reserved person would make some effort to contact you.

I for one am learning the hard way that there are an awful lot of disingenuous people when it comes to dating.

I wouldn't bother with someone like him, it all sounds like too much hard work.

He does not need to be shown the protocol re dating, he already knows it, sorry he sounds cold and selfish; you texted him and he hasn't replied?

He may or may not be a player but one thing is for sure: he lacks the basic social graces to be someone you should invest your time and effort into.
.
If you were my friend I'd be telling you to walk away

Wow, calm down. Some people are just not texters/phone people.
You were so full of confidence when you left him and now less than 48hrs later you're winding yourself up into a state.
If texting is really important to you I guess you should evaluate if you can be happy with someone who doesn't see it as vital. Otherwise just relax, he sounds really into you.

Oh heck ! I don't know how to jump with this one. I think my feelings are mirroring yours op.

He sounds lovely , like jarlins and my man ...but I did hear from my man everyday.usually in the evening after he'd been to work/ walked his dogs/ eaten etc

So, yes. It is a bit strange that he isn't dropping you a last or email.

Is he the shy type. Does he worry about getting it wrong .

I agree . Wait and see how long it takes him to get in touch.

Has he asked to see you next weekend. Has he suggested another date.

Maybe when you have another date is the time to talk about what shape the relationship is going to take.

Lack of communication can be hurtful.

i'd be upset too. let's see how long he takes but i'd be tempted to say

'look clearly we have different expectations of what constitutes normal communication. you just don't seem that interested so i'm afraid i'm not interested either.'

I did exactly that a months ago though and he did sort it out, then right back to it.

Lula, I'm really calm...I did have a great time, but I'd expect him to have followed up with a tiny bit of communication and he's ruined what was a nice time where I finally felt some intimacy and sense of trust growing.

Texting isn't vital to me, but someone finding some way...telegram, phone, flowers...whatever...to communicate to me that they enjoyed ou first night together is important to me. Very important.

He has form for being reticent then. You'd think he'd learn!
Then teach him. Keep him on a short lead. Give him a short window. Don't be too emotional, stick to the point, factual.

I know what that ^ looks like! But he needs training.

If he'd suggested another date as he left you I'd probably be ok with that but no mention of another date and then no txt it would setme wondering and you don't need that.

I think you are right not to get in touch.

He is sending me mixed signals. He's removed his dating profile, he's had the exclusivity chat, he's told me he has clear intentions for a relationship with me. He has done things to indicate seriousness like wanting to sow me his house and favourite places. He has made three dates with me. One for 11th September a weekend away, one for 22nd September tickets to a show and one for 28th September for a party.

On the downside, I've very clearly told him that his communication style makes me feel bad (twice) and he has apologised (twice) and not changed it. Those dates he has set are all quite far away and there's no fixed plan for when I see him next, and now he's shagged me and not had the common decency to phone or text at minimum.

He also as springy says has form for being reticent, and he had a long talk with me where he admitted his ex asked him many times for what she wanted and while he loved her he never did it and he regrets it.

As a grown man he probably needs to learn from his mistakes. I think he does like me to some degree but it might be that he:

I think he likes me a fair bit and thinks I'd make a good girlfriend (he's said a few times I tick all his boxes in a shopping list sort of a way) but has no emotions towards me like thinking of me so he doesn't text because he just doesn't want to.

He texted me every morning and evry night for a month when he wnated me to go out with him, so his fingers do work.

It just feels not good enough to me.

If he contacts tomorrow with a VERY clear intent to see me in the next few days, then I will meet him and just explain face to face how this made me feel and that he needs to change it if he wants a relationship with me,

If he contacts tomorrow and just asks how I am, I am going to ignore him for 48 hours and when he starts frantially messaging asking what he's done wrong, I shall reply "ah...so when someone doesn't reply to you for 48 hours it makes you feel like you have done something wrong or something it not going well? Interesting you think the same does not apply to me"

And I will tell him, politely, to fuck off.

He has form for being reticent, he also had a long talk with me about how he regretted