Help! My dad's gone missing

[Cheeseandwinegirl]

Hi all, I'm hoping someone can help.

My mum just called and said my dad has gone missing. He left home yesterday afternoon while she was out, he didn't take his phone or wallet but she has found the safe has been emptied which had around 1k in there.

She thinks he only took the clothes he is wearing, he took the car.

He hasn't turned up today and I'm trying to help her with what to do.

I've told her to go through his Internet history and his phone, also check if anything else is missing at home and keep an eye on the bank accounts - she sorts all banking.

If that comes up with nothing I've advised her to call his best friend (lives about 50 miles away so can't pop in).

My dad is 62 in good health with as far as I'm aware bo financial worries, mum said he had been able moody of late but nothing out of the ordinary as it's harvest time, it's also just a moody sod at the best of times!

Is there anything else I've missed or anything else we can do? I've said to inform the police if he isn't back in 24 hours.

Hi fructose - family can be a funny thing!

Thanks happy, I've decided it's a good idea to focus on the new job, I've had the itinerary through for the first two weeks and it's nice and easy so that's good.

So sorry you're going through this.
It does sound like your dad is really struggling to face the questioning and embarrassment he thinks will come with actually returning home. It seems like he does want to though but then keeps bottling it at the last minute.
This may be a stupid suggestion, so I apologise if it is, but, if he phones again, do you think he might find it easier if someone went to him? If your mum could arrange somewhere neutral to meet him it might help as he then doesn't have to do the 'walk of shame' returning to their home alone.
He sounds unbelievably stressed about something and, having felt that he needed to bolt, is now probably feeling in a bigger mess than when he went as he knows loads of people know and it's not private anymore.
I really hope he's home soon.

It's one of those scenarios that happens to others but never to you - until it does, isn't it,?

In reporting him missing to the police your dm has done no more than he would have done if she'd gone missing, and he can't be oblivious to the fact that those who live in stable rural communities take a far greater interest in their neighbours' lives than their more transient big city cousins are wont to do.

No doubt the vast majority of those theories have been kindly meant by those who are concerned for his welfare and also that of your dm and yourself but, nevertheless, it can be disconcerting to find out personal details about your dps that you'd rather not know.

At least you know he's well, Cheese, and hopefully he'll soon summon the courage to drive home under cover of darkness and face the music fact that his disappearance will be a 5 minute wonder which he'll soon be able to live down - providing he doesn't make a habit of it.

I hope his request for the tracker to be turned off was met with a polite refusal and that your mum is giving consideration to having him microchipped fitted with an electronic tag.

I also hope you'll update when the silly billy returns to the comfort of his own home and, in the meantime, good luck with your new job and your preparations for it

How awful for you, and for all of you for that matter.

Glad your mum has good local support and that you know he's been in touch.

Good luck with the new job.

Thanks for the good luck goddess and deck!

Hi Laa, I have suggested that to mum. I've said can someone either arrange to meet him or arrange a time when he can come home when he knows no one will be around. Problem is any phone call he makes is just a brief message, he doesn't want to make conversation or talk. I've even said if she gets a chance to speak to him to try and give him my number if he wants to call.

Oh and Laa it wasn't a stupid suggestion at all! I appreciate any suggestions as to what we can do! I might not be around much today, I'm going togo out and have lunching chill out

Oh and just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being lovely. I know this is all abit car crash reading!

So glad to hear that he is ok at least!

I'm delighted to hear that he is alive Cheese but he is clearly far from okay or well is he? You have always said that this is so out of character for him, so something has tipped him over the edge.

I do hope he has the courage to return home - or allows someone to meet up with him. It is dreadful to think of him facing his worries alone (even though it was his decision to walk out).

I hope your Mum is okay. She must be desperate for some answers and an explanation.

Good luck with starting your new job on Monday. My advice would be to speak to your immediate line manager when you go in. They will say something like "Good to see you again. How have you been?" There's your opportunity to mention that your week's garden leave was interrupted by your Dad 'disappearing'. Although you now know he is alive, he hasn't yet returned. Hopefully you won't have to dash to your Mum's in an emergency, but you have set the scene should the need arise.

Take care

Hi sad, that advice is fantastic and I'll be doing that on Monday.

We haven't had any further news and I'm starting to feel awful guilt about leaving my mum. She doesn't really know what to do or who to talk to. I'm worried she's stuck all on her own and it's very upsetting.

Bloody he'll this is fun

Would it help your Mum to talk to a support group who are experienced in all the scenarios?

Online help for missing people and their families

Missing People (formerly the National Missing Persons Helpline) is a charity dedicated to helping missing people and supporting their families. You can access a national 24 hour helpline for people who are missing someone

The 24 hour confidential freephone helpline is on:

Freephone 116 000
Text 116 000

www.nidirect.gov.uk/missing-persons-help-and-support

You might like to speak to them first and assess how much support they are likely to give to your DM.

OP, I hope this doesn't sound harsh - but I don't think you can fix this. Your parents are grownups, even though your dad is choosing to not behave like one. You have your own life to lead and I fear that you'll end up with the burden of trying to sort out whatever it is that's precipitated this epic flounce.

Offer support, of course - but please don't allow it to mess up your life too. I'm afraid I can't remember if you have siblings?

My thoughts are with you. Stay positive

I agree with slippery jack . I suspect there's a lot of things that you don't know about your father and your parents marriage . And I'm guessing that if they wanted you to know they would have told you .

I understand your instincts to be there for your mother and to fix this problem with your father. But I don't think you can. I'm sorry if this is hurtful.

From the outside this indeed looks like a flounce, to punish your mother for criticising him . Because no one who want to slip away quietly and have some time for themselves does it with loads of cash in a very noticeable car with a personalised plate . Then sends controlling and mysterious messages designed to upset , not reassure .

You know as well as I do that all farmers know everyone else's business. This plan was never to have a few quiet days away to work things out . It's attention seeking and childish IMO.

And now he's struggling to step down from it, so he has to escalate it . He can't find a face saving and wife blaming way to end it . He knows that everyone thinks that either he's a tosser or mental unstable .

I also wonder if he's done this before and your mother has told no one and just stayed at home , quietly worrying . But this time she decided to call the police and that's blown it, because now everyone knows .

Your mother is getting sympathy for being married to someone who is ill/ unstable , rather than being punished for being a bad wife . And all the attention is on her , for what she is going through. Hence the " leave the lights on I might be home tonight . Or I might not" messages - just to make sure the attention is back on him .

And the " I don't want anyone else there " messages - because he doesn't want your Mother to be getting support and help and attention . It has to be all about him .

Well that's my opinion anyway . Of course it might be a load of bollocks .

I'm sorry , truly sorry, that you are all being put through this .

Terribly stressful for all of you.

Speculation may prove to be unhelpful when the situation is resolved, so I'd try not to get too involved in the details. Focus on getting your mum through this.

I do hope you are getting some support for yourself.

Hello, I have a bis update and might need some handholding.

He came back late last night, he's very distressed. I sent him a text today saying: Hey, glad you're back I was really worried about you. Give me a call/text if you can. No worries if you don't feel like it but would be good to hear from you.

He called me today and wanted to speak but not over the phone so he's driving to see me, he will be here in about 3 hours. He wa clearly very upset, I said to him are you having a crisis and he said yes. My boyfriend (who I think I've just split up with but that's an entirely other thread) is getting out of the flat as dad doesn't want anyone else here.

I think my mum has told him how angry she is with him (understand) and he can't take it. He felt that by texting her she would know everything was OK.

My plan is to trying get him to talk. I phoned my mum earlier and said he can stay with me as long as he needs but I think we're going to need to look attesting some professional support. I don't want to put pressure on him I just want him to have aneutral space where he feels safe.

Is there anything anyone can advise me to do? Any helplines that would be good? I have the local mental health crisis number (for boyfriend) to hand if needs be. Sorry for types I'm on the tablet and it's pants.

Can't quite belive this is my life right now!

I think you may have hit the nail on the head.

He was expecting her to fall all over him in relief that he is back and she went ballistic at him (which is very understandable) and he doesnt know how to deal with it.

I suspect that if this was revenge for her calling him controlling, it has all gone horribly wrong for him because she called the police.

If it is that then I suggest that you point out that a grovelling apology should come first, followed by a promise to do whatever your mum wants to do to sort this out. I wouldnt be kind tbh, but then I have very little patience with people who pull this kind of stunt.

If he has had some mental health breakdown then of course thats different, and you should call the team.

Yes - call Missing People - open 24 hours. Tel 116 000. They know a lot about people coming home and how hard it can be for everyone.

Be ready to just stay with him and let him decide when and how much to tell you. he may not have spept properly for days.

Hope your mum is ok.

Hope you are ok.

*slept

Hi deck, I know he slept in the car for a couple of days. My plan is to let him talk. I know there might be things he doesn't want to tell me and that's fine. I'll call missing people now, I've got the samaritans number to hand too.

Until you have some idea of what is troubling him, it's impossible to say what help he needs. Just give him a safe environment for a few days, with no pressure. You are being a very loving daughter to him, but really this is something he should be thrashing out with your mum. Perhaps it would be best if you encouraged him to do just that. I worry that she may feel sidelined., and that would create more problems long term. Especially if it is something that involves her specifically.

Do you know if he has recently seen his doctor? I'm wondering if he could have learned something regarding his health.

Either way, please take care of yourself, and try to enjoy your new job.x.

Hi cute, he has recently seen the doctor and was given a clean bill of health.

You need to be careful not to appear to take sides. By all means listen to what he has to say but don't isolate your dm in your relief that he is back. I suspect this is far from the end of the situation (there may be some uncomfortable details) and you need to avoid getting sucked in to the drama. Also be prepared for some self justification and pity. He wouldn't be coming if he didn't think it would be to his advantage. I can't recall the background but has he recently retired or changed circumstances as that seems to be a trigger point.

You need to be careful not to appear to take sides

Really/I would be as furious as fuck if my father put his family through this.

I meant that entertaining her Df might alienate her dm and also encourage him to think she will endorse his PoV. He will be looking for any signs of positive reassurance on his behaviour.