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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! My dad's gone missing

214 replies

Cheeseandwinegirl · 11/08/2015 08:24

Hi all, I'm hoping someone can help.

My mum just called and said my dad has gone missing. He left home yesterday afternoon while she was out, he didn't take his phone or wallet but she has found the safe has been emptied which had around 1k in there.

She thinks he only took the clothes he is wearing, he took the car.

He hasn't turned up today and I'm trying to help her with what to do.

I've told her to go through his Internet history and his phone, also check if anything else is missing at home and keep an eye on the bank accounts - she sorts all banking.

If that comes up with nothing I've advised her to call his best friend (lives about 50 miles away so can't pop in).

My dad is 62 in good health with as far as I'm aware bo financial worries, mum said he had been able moody of late but nothing out of the ordinary as it's harvest time, it's also just a moody sod at the best of times!

Is there anything else I've missed or anything else we can do? I've said to inform the police if he isn't back in 24 hours.

OP posts:
PattyPenguin · 13/08/2015 22:25

The thing is, the police know a (terse) message has come through, they know his car has been clocked, presumably undamaged. I don't know how much more they can do if he seems to be physically unharmed. Even if they were to get in contact with him, they could try to get him to give his family more substantial reassurance, they could try to persuade him to seek help if they suspected some kind of mental distress, but they couldn't force him to go home or indeed do anything else unless he's breaking the law.

hhhhhhh · 13/08/2015 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WandaFuca · 13/08/2015 22:58

Don't go, cozie. Your knowledge of rural life could help the rest of us understand how a case like this would be handled. And many of us don't spot what an OP has said/updated.

My main concern stems from living in a police authority that covers a huge swathe of rural/farming area; but there's also two big cities. Lots of police support for the farming community; but I don't know how easy it would be for the rural police to get, say, a police helicopter diverted from city crime to rural missing person.

Morganly · 13/08/2015 23:23

Am I the only one who is thinking the Dad is punishing his wife for the row? Texting just the word safe is horrible. Would it kill him to text a few more words? I don't think the OP should fuck up her new job over this. If he genuinely is having a breakdown, sitting in the house with her mum isn't going to help him. It doesn't sound like he's planning to come home anytime soon.

Bogeyface · 14/08/2015 00:14

Morganly no, you are not. Its been mentioned by a few, me included.

"Safe" leaves the implication that if he doesnt text again then something has happened, heightening the worry of the person left behind.

He got called on his controlling behaviour and has decided to take it to a whole new level. When called on this he will no doubt say "well you said I was controlling so I left so I wouldnt be controlling anymore!" and would probably genuinely not see that what he has done is actually even more controlling.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/08/2015 00:28

I'm with you, Morganly.

The police aren't going to mount a nationwide search for a mature adult male who, after having first taken a grand out of the safe, flounced off after a row with his dw and it would be futile to search local fields and hedgerows when his car's been spotted in a place which is 4 hours or so away from his home.

He'll be back when the money runs out, which won't take long assuming he's checked into a b&b at, say, 50 quid a night, plus lunches/evening meals/drinks, clothing/toiletries, entertainment/newspapers/magazines, petrol, etc.

If he's not back early next week I suggest the OP and her dm give consideration to prevailing on one of the nationals to run the story as a human interest piece complete with most unflattering photo of him they can find as that may cause him to splutter over his full English and give him pause for thought before he does it again.

In the meantime, it seems to me the OP is best advised to get on with her life as her dps will need to resolve their differences in private when he returns.

Smilingforth · 14/08/2015 05:39

I sadly agree with goddessofsmallthings. It's hard but you've just got to hold tight.

fourtothedozen · 14/08/2015 07:38

Has he taken any other type of ID? Even without his wallet or bank card he could still take cash from his account without a card.
If he turned up at a branch and said he had left his cards at home he could access funds with a drivers licence or passport. I have done this a couple of times when I have forgotten my card.

Could he have another credit card that he has applied for without anyone's knowledgw?

DeckSwabber · 14/08/2015 09:23

I do hope today brings something positive news.

SlipperyJack · 14/08/2015 18:46

Any news OP?

BumWad · 14/08/2015 18:52

Hoping for some good news op x

scarlets · 14/08/2015 19:35

I'm glad he's safe. He'll be back when the cash runs low.

I wouldn't jeopardise tour relationship with your boss. Go to work on Monday, focus on that. You can drive back on Friday night if required (although your parents probably need space to sort their marital problems out).

WandaFuca · 14/08/2015 22:07

Although I still have suspicions about the validity of those text messages, I'm coming round to the idea that the OP's father could have just walked off.

Either way, I think the OP should proceed with her work plans, but give her new employers a heads-up about the situation.

I think this situation could take a while for it to be resolved either way. In the meantime, it's not easy for everyone else's life to be on hold.

DeckSwabber · 14/08/2015 22:12

Gosh I don't think I could start a new job if my Dad was missing for a few days. My head would be all over the place.

giraffesCantBrushTheirTeeth · 15/08/2015 00:57

thinking of you

WienerDiva · 15/08/2015 02:41

Hoping hour DDad makes an appearance if he hasn't already.

Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 06:58

You are in my thoughts Flowers

Tooooooohot · 15/08/2015 07:03

Good luck for the new job Monday, don't let your dad ruin it.

StaceyAndTracey · 15/08/2015 07:16

I'm sorry to read about what you and your mum have been going through

Can I ask if he has taken his medication ? I'm assuming he's on something eg blood pressure meds as most men his age are

I think it sounds much more planned than random TBH. He took somethings ( like cash so she couldn't track him ) and left others ( the phone ) deliberately .

And I think it's about punishing her for having criticised him .hes teaching her a lesson . Hence the worry followed by the dramatic text. If he really didn't want her to worry, he would have phoned, not sent a one word text

Original poster
Cheeseandwinegirl · 15/08/2015 08:53

Hello all, sorry for lack of updates the last few days have been a mess.

So he still isn't home, but he has made contact. The police stopped him once we got the car tracker sorted, he called that evening (Thursday) and said he was coming home. He didn't come home. That was Thursday, yesterday he text my mum to say he would be back soon and told her to leave the house lights on. I came back yesterday because she has a lot of local support from friends and family, I didn't think he'd want me at home when he came back and also I need to get ready for the new job.

He then called yesterday and left a voicemail saying that he was in a hotel and that he wants the car tracker turned off. Mum said he sounded very stressed. I feel like I know my dad pretty well (We're awfully similar) and I think he will have been very spooked by the police stopping him, he's a very private person and he's going to know that if mums reported him as missing that other people know he's gone. I think this is going to make it very hard for him to come back but equally the longer he leaves it the worse it gets. He has asked mum to leave the outside lights on which I think is so he can come back at night and see that there is no one else (such as police, me, family etc) at home.

So we're no closer having this resolved. We still don't know the tipping point that made him leave but he is clearly going through a horrible crisis. I also found out he has more cash on him than I was previously told and whilst there's not one major issue at home there's potentially lots of smaller things that could have added together (its been bloody horrible over the last few days having to deal with people giving me their theories on why he's gone and finding out personal details about parents relationships and stuff - I found myself very overwhelmed Yesterday).

It feels like I'm living in a soap opera!

OP posts:
happystory · 15/08/2015 09:14

What a horrible situation for you, and your mum, thanks for finding the time to update your thread. It sounds like he is going through some kind of personal crisis. I hope he comes home soon then those around him can help him with this.

Original poster
Cheeseandwinegirl · 15/08/2015 09:20

Hi happy, hope so too. The police have been great and mums been overwhelmed by friends and family helping out. I'm pretty much in constant contact with her. It's obviously going to be very difficult for a while even if he comes back soon, but We'll cross that bridge when we get to it!

OP posts:
FructoseTart · 15/08/2015 09:27

Sounds just as stubborn as my father. How selfish to just flit and leave your DM worrying like that! I hope he comes back soon cheese.

happystory · 15/08/2015 09:34

And good luck with your new job!

notapizzaeater · 15/08/2015 09:36

I agree the longer he leaves the harder it's going to be and if it was me I'd have gone from concern to furious by now !