Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Myturn - how are you doing this evening?

Swiss - no, I have got into that cycle with an ex before and it really blurs the lines and screwed me up a lot. Wouldn't advise it. Although I wouldn't advise against sex with someone else!

Hi all. I'm not having sex with my ex, but I am starting to really miss it and find that I'm feeling in the mood a lot more than usual. Perhaps we need to explore other means?

ExDP and me all fucked up in other ways at the moment though, back to exchanging emails. We've decided to try counselling.

swiss I'm toying with making this decision in my head, "No getting back together with my ex before next July". Although this sounds silly I think it'll be really helpful in stopping me angsting over the possibility. Takes me off the hook so to speak. If I start thinking about it I just have to tell myself, "you're not considering it before July, remember?".

Yes to sex with ex...we both keep saying it might confuse matters - but every couple of weeks, we've ended up having it. Mutual thing - he's been more wary than me, as he doesn't want me to think he's using me for sex.

We've always had huge sexual chemistry, but after youngest DS it turned into more kind of 'fucking' sex (raunchy, less intimate) rather than lovemaking.

And one of the unexpected outcomes, is that when we've had sex since separating, it's actually been more loving and connected...

It's one of the problems about moving on - we still fancy each other madly. The affair with OW wasn't about the sex, it was about intimacy and someone listening to him (that'll be the fact that she didn't have 4 DCs living at home!)

I did have a brief spell of dating - gave me an ego boost, confirmed I was still hot stuff, but nothing remotely near the chemistry I have with DH.

And I just didn't want to mess anyone around knowing I still loved him.

But Swiss - OLD is easy peasy and a great ego boost if you don't take it too seriously, and are ruthless sifting out the weirdos, perverts and blatantly-looking-for-a-shag guys. There are some nice enough guys not looking for a serious relationship, but who don't just treat you as a piece of meat either...

Truly I haven't really been following the thread but....you were married/in ltr with him. He left for OW. And now he wants to consider reconciling. But before he commits,,he's having sex with you. From what you've said, sex wasn't the issue previously, in fact far from it. So now you appear to be in a situation where you are the OW to the OW. Personally I think he should make his mind up now. Either commit to working things out with you or define firm boundaries. Just my thoughts. Personally there is no way I would play second fiddle to my ex husband.

I think you are making a mistake by still having sex with your ex while he is still having sex with the OW, Truly why would you do that? He is having the best of both worlds, he would have reconciled by now surely if that was his intention, what's stopping him moving back in tomorrow?

Nothing... You're playing the pick me dance, thinking you are getting one over on the Ow, when it's you who is the one that's being let down.

Don't let this carry on, for your own self esteem .

I know the sex is not a good idea, just being honest that it happens every few weeks (I have needs, he's good at fulfilling them)- but it's definitely not the pick me dance or hysterical bonding. I'm not naive enough to think that I can 'win' him back like that, not even trying to in any calculated way.

But I hold my hands up, and say I know, I KNOW - I have issues with making clear boundaries.

I have said in frustrated moments, that I'm becoming the OW - it doesn't sit well with me (not in terms of self-esteem - I haven't lost my confidence, if anything I've found my fabulousness again by realising I can be self-sufficient, be a 'single' parent, run a home, re-pressurise a boiler, paint a wall).

It's more that if we still have chemistry, love, shared concern over what's best for the children, and have actually started resolving some of the issues that led to the affair (and I am not for one second excusing him of his responsilibity for being a total cunt having an affair) - and if he says he wants to reconcile, and we're both starting to believe that could actually lead to rebuilding a relationship based on equality and teamwork (the trust and respect will take much longer) - then we need to agree what the next step is - and for me that's ending it with OW.

OW works with him, and relocated nearly 2 hours from the office moving into his flat, renting her property out. Both of those make it problematic to resolve cleanly. But it's his problem to resolve.

I have pulled out of reconciliation talks a few times, as I had a lot of doubts, anger, concern and hurt about it all. And he's been frustrated, saying that I pull out of plans that I had agreed to. But there's still a rollercoaster of feelings that I have to go through, and if we do get back together, I have to be sure that I'm not going to be resentful and bitter.

In the good moments, I think it's worth seeing if we can move forward and raise our kids in a loving family environment, and then the bad moments, I think - let's call it a day and make more detached arrangements and minimise contact with each other.

Maybe it's just extending the pain and making it harder to move on properly, but I'm dealing with it in a way that I'm okay with most of the time...

He does need to DO something, and soon though to convince me that he's not just hedging his bets.

Oof, that was a bit of a confessional....someone lighten the mood in the Bar please??

Izzie can't you shove some Izzitinis down me, get me plastered and I'll dance on the table?

The thing is I suppose he doesn't NEED to do anything..sometimes I think men will do stuff like this as they don't really have the guts to follow through on what they want to do..they think it is kinder to you or it makes them look better or it softens you up for future negotiations..or all of these...

Truly I found when I was asked searching questions on here it made me really question my assumptions. So it can be a good thing. All I would say is just be careful you're not setting a precedent for his behaviour

Truly if you really want him back, and goodness knows why you would, you are going about it the wrong way. No contact except ice cold and detached when he collects the kids and an ultimatum to stop all contact with OW is your only hope. He has zero incentive to finish with OW at the moment. There are plenty of blokes out there who would meet your needs without treating you as second best and risking STIs by knowingly sleeping with someone who is cheating on you. All the chemistry in the world is not worth being treated this badly.

That's why I'm here. I appreciate the fact that we're all on our own painful, difficult journeys through this shit - and that no-one's being judgmental or high and mighty with advice....

Posting on the thread actually makes me question and clarify things I need to consider.

And you're right WiseOne - maybe he is lacking the impetus to take definite action, but he seems adamant that he wants to come back - but as you say it's the guts to end things with OW that matters. He knows that if he let me down after seeking reconciliation, would cut all but necessary contact - so I don't think he's stringing me along.

And Izzie - yes, I'm going to need him to confirm that he's going to end it with OW and by when, and if he isn't going to commit to that, then we need to call it a day...

Anyway, thanks ladies, KOKO xx

Truly what is stopping you call time on your marriage?

All of us here either have done so, or are trying to cope with a spouse who has done so.

Given that posters on this thread are one or other, how can we advise you appropriately when you're in the middle ground?

Yes I agree with what has been said. How can sex with your husband be an ego boost when he is living with, and shagging his OW? He has no incentive to do anything other than what he is doing right now.

Bumpy ride here today. Hope all are doing ok

truly, I really don't mean to sound harsh , but having read your previous threads, I don't see that you have gained anything at all from trying to save your marriage.

It's sixteen months on from when he left, and he's still to-ing and fro-ing in between you and the OW, and sleeping with both of you. That's no way to reconcile with your wife. That is no way to treat the mother of his children. That is not a good example of what a loving husband and father should be.

Now if you are happy to accept that, that's fine, I wish you well, but asking for advice and acceptance on your situation from us, and then not taking any of it on board is perplexing to say the least.

Six months since he left. Affair's been off and on for 18 months.

I didn't come to the Bar asking for advice - just to be able to let off steam, and be supportive and get support from others who were going through the whole rollercoaster of separation and divorce.

Bit of a sleepless night, thinking over it all, and realising I don't want to be messed around any more.

He asked to come today to see us, but at 5pm I get a text saying the day has gone awry, he'll call later. Another no show within a week, and letting DS down. DS and I are away this weekend, and DS staying away with grandparents next week.

I'm calm, and realise I care less. I desperately wanted youngest DS to be brought up in a loving family - but I didn't bail out on that, DH did. And I can still provide him with a family unit.

I've decided to call it a day. Telling DH when he calls later, that I don't want to do this any more.

Need to stay calm, and detached.

Wishing you strength Truly. I was just saying to a friend that sometimes my head is a week or two ahead of my heart.

Truly - that's amazingly strong but in time you will definitely feel better for it and have more self worth. You are worth so much more than this.
Hand holding and here for when you've told him

Done.

I've said I'm ready to call it a day and I've had enough.

He started rolling out the work excuse, and I told him to STFU and stop saying his life is difficult, because he made it difficult.

I've said I've been reasonable and amicable, and been willing to consider reconciliation, but he's had long enough and he hasn't taken any action to end things with OW, whilst I've gone through 6 months of being on my own with the kids every night.

I've told him that he can have a letter of gratitude every week if he wants me to acknowledge how he's provided a home, and supported all of the family, but not to expect any thanks from his 3 year old when he asks why his daddy left him.

He called me back, very shaken and asked to talk on Monday to make some decisions, as DS and I are off to the seaside for the weekend. I've said I'm done with talking, and I have no other decisions to make. He said he knows what he wants, so I just said 'deal with it then' and left it there.

Off in the morning, but I hope he has a miserable weekend, feeling guilty as shit, that he let his DS down, and that he's finally exhausted my patience and understanding.

Feeling quite relieved and proud of myself. Hope I don't crash into an emotional mess over the weekend.

KOKO all x

Well done truly you strapped your steel balls on and let him know he can't keep letting his family down.

You just need to stay focused now, he has to end it with this woman, and really mean what he says about stepping up for you and his children, or that's it, you're done, he's had long enough . KOKO indeed...

I feel quite proud of you too Truly. And if/when you do crash, for whatever reason, we're here.

TRULY we all crash at times and you will - it is " up and down" all the time, that's how it is and expect it and accept it is normal ...you are right, you are the family unit now!

We have all tried to keep that unit going for the sake of ourselves and our children but sometimes it's just not meant to be! On the other hand- you may find that now you have made a decision then you feel somewhat better about some aspects of this horrible mess. Hope you have a lovely weekend !

I'm sorry to barge in. I really need help. I feel so unbelievably low and like I don't know how I'm going to carry on anymore. exH (yep it's official) is still bullying me and using the children as weapons against me. I didn't want this life.

I just don't understand why he continues to behave so appallingly. He is so wrapped up in himself, it makes me go dizzy trying to work out how someone can be so selfish.

He now has everything he apparently wanted. He's with the woman of his dreams who he is now free to marry, they have a child together, he sees our children regularly. Why is he so angry and why does he take it out on me? I just want some peace.