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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

339 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 06/08/2015 22:35

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .
OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Shouldknowbetter2015 · 16/10/2015 16:46

So sorry SparklyDMs :(. What a bastard & you're right, he will be off living the high life while you have to look after the DCs and not slag him off. Wishing you all the best & enjoy your 80s party :)

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 16/10/2015 21:22

So sorry , sparkly my lovely, 99% of the time there is another woman ready and prepped waiting in the wings, complete cunts the lot of them...

Sorry for the swearing, I may have had wine....Grin

OP posts:
sparklyDMs · 17/10/2015 08:20

Omg why did he have to lie so I get dripfed the truth? It just hurts so much, again - didn't expect to feel this bad. Separation - it's the shitty gift that keeps on giving ??
Utter bastards.
Sorry for ranting, I need to get it out, trying to to cry in front of the kids

sparklyDMs · 17/10/2015 08:22

trying not* to cry in front of the kids!

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 17/10/2015 08:40

It's ok, sparkly my darling, just get it out, rant and vent and cry. It's obvious why your ex has kept it hidden, it's so he wouldn't appear to be the bad guy to your children and family and friends. He just couldn't cope with family life with sparkly any longer, so had to find his own 'happiness '

What a load of bullshit, his eye has been caught by this OW, and he has lied to you to minimise his guilt. He has had to admit it now as she has crawled out of the woodwork, and is probably living with her.

How far along are you into the divorce process? There are financial implications for him if he is co-habiting.

It doesn't hurt any less I know, I'm constantly amazed by the casual cruelty I see metered out on this board by these unfaithful men. Chin up and KOKO my love, xx

OP posts:
sparklyDMs · 17/10/2015 08:52

He moved in with her straight away but kept insisting that it was a roof over his head, admitted yesterday it was much more. He wants the DC's to stay with him and her together, hence the admission.

Haven't started divorce yet, haven't even separated finances yet because of debt and struggling to meet the bills. OW is not short of a bob or two and has been keeping him all this time. I know it was obvious before that she was more than a 'benevolent landlady' but I'm still floored by it.

Bastard.

I think maybe now is the time to make a trip to CAB

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 17/10/2015 09:00

Yep, time to get your ducks in a row my love, see a solicitor, some have free half hours, find one you like, and get this cheating arse out of your life, benevolent landlady! Shock What a pair of twats....

And don't keep his dirty secrets....

Time for sparkly to get her DM's ready to give him a good kick up the arse...

OP posts:
sparklyDMs · 17/10/2015 09:04

I like that! Lacing up the DMs now!
Thanks Hobbit x

FuckitAndStartAgain · 17/10/2015 20:10

How you doing now sparky? Hope you and the children are ok. Also hope that the fucker is very miserable.

sparklyDMs · 17/10/2015 21:51

Hi fuckit- got a friend of DD's for a birthday sleepover and it has been pretty tense with DTS1 trying to get involved. All of them are pre-teen, dd1 hormonal as hell and dts1 I am getting assessed for asd so he can't be reasoned with easily, so all a distraction from being miserable! I may avoid sleepovers for a bit though- all a bit stressful.

I'm gutted at how much this hurts - seems to have wiped out all the progress I'd made. I'm thinking of starting a sweary diary... And unfortunately he is being kept by loaded OW and very happy with her and is having his enormous fucking gateau and eating it.
I'm So glad for this thread and all of you.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 17/10/2015 23:53

I remember sleepover's as not having any sleep involved at all! Very stressful for you my love.

Thinking of you xx

OP posts:
drifted2015 · 18/10/2015 19:59

Sparkly it floored me when I realised she had another man , she also drip fed me.

I could never ever have done that not will I ever do it , mind I don't trust women now ( except everyone in Team Hobbit because we're a great bunch ).

Just saying my dear dear friend , keep on keeping on , in time it will get better . It is a certainty . Ask me in 9 months how did I know ? Because 9 months ago today was the 18th January . I was at at rock bottom . ( 9 months on , I am climbing the hill , odd slip, odd stumble but trust me , it is there , you cannot see it yet . But the journey is all the easier because you have us lot helping you - whether you like it or not, we're here for you.

I am now off to help a friend who seems to be having a wee issue in her marriage so I am going to help them as I have been helped too.

You keep your smile on , chin up & know that someone is thinking of you .

KOKO all xxx.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 18/10/2015 20:09

It's great that you are 'paying it forward' drifted my lovely fella, we all need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on now and again, I'm glad that you are helping your friend out with their problem.

I wouldn't expect anything less of you, tbh, KOKO and keep in touch, xx

OP posts:
Cassawooff · 19/10/2015 23:17

I've not been to the bar for ages. Had a difficult summer, H said he wanted to come back briefly but his heart wasn't in it. So I'm now being told to file for divorce in the next fortnight or he will. I will because I believe that gives me more control over the process than if he does it. But it will be hard to do something to start something I still don't want.

I'm just so sad about it all. I now finally have more information about it all, how it went wrong. Mostly just lack of communication combined with life getting in the way. Nothing that couldn't be fixed if he wanted to, but he doesn't.

And oh yes, he did have an affair, despite months of swearing no-one else was involved and me believing him. Mumsnet is always tight about that one it seems. And my self-esteem is so low I'd still have him back, I almost disgust myself. Oh and to divorce him for adultery I have to list dates and places they had sex - divorce really is the gift that keeps on giving!

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 20/10/2015 00:02

Hi cassa my lovely, I'm so sorry to hear your stbxh has been behaving like a grade A shit. I hope you and your children are ok, despite his deceitful treatment of your family.

Don't beat yourself up for trying to reconcile, you were only giving your marriage a chance to work, only you weren't to know that you were not in receipt of the true facts.

It's time you took control now, although I know it's not what you want to do, but it's better to petition first, as you can control the timetable a little better and as he is admitting to committing adultery he will be liable for some if not all of the costs.

He has left you no other choice though has he, although I can feel your sadness in your words, you did all you could, he did not, he has failed your family, the fault lies with him and his selfish and cheating behaviour.
Sending you love and strength, xx

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 20/10/2015 00:32

Cassa without doubt divorce is a dreadful, dreadful experience and not one I will ever undertake again. I found the very notion of being divorced a difficult one to contend with - it was a label for 'other people' but not me.

I am now divorced. I see it as a certificate of survival having had a hellish one. I don't feel ashamed that it's my 'status' now because I didn't lie, cheat or abuse.

Yes, the yearning to take them back - but I feel you'd only be taking back an illusion. Not a real being. As Hobbit knows I respect and admire people who fight for the family but fighting for a weak man (woman), however, is no just cause. There's the difference.

However, you've identified your biggest obstacle: your self-esteem. Stop disgusting yourself - you don't disgust us. You don't disgust your family. No point beating yourself up for feeling pretty normal - we've all felt the same way at some point, and most likely, some days still do.

sparklyDMs · 20/10/2015 07:06

Cassa, so sorry you're in this position, this whole thing really sucks.

Cassawooff · 20/10/2015 07:38

Thanks to you all. It helps knowing other people have been through this and survived. I have been to hell and back over the last year. And I'm still struggling. Just not coping with the loss and sadness and regret. Everything has suffered, my work, my family, my children. But I am lucky to have amazing supportive friends and family, and my children who are with me most of the time (which is how I like it).

He couldn't get over the OW. And the things he's said and told me have been so cruel. And the lies. But I still love him, and occassionally the kind man he used to be slips through and it's so hard to know its over when I would have done anything to make it work.

I like this bar, I will come back.

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 20/10/2015 08:36

You did your best cassa , you have nothing to reproach yourself for when you will look back. I'm so sorry you have been put through this, he is a very cruel and heartless person to inflict such hurt on all involved.

You are welcome any time, take care of yourself, xx

OP posts:
whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 24/10/2015 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cassawooff · 25/10/2015 07:45

I'm struggling with all this at the moment. And trying to get me head round things. When H left 14 months ago, his reasons were all about the problems in our relationship. I discovered 2 months ago that he'd been having an affair when he left, despite swearing repeatedly no-one else was involved. But I understand how things had got so bad for him at home, we weren't communicating, I didn't respect him etc. In fact if he were to have posted how I treated him on MN he'd have had a chorus of LTB. But I didn't see how bad it was, he never told me how it made him feel, I never got a 'warning shot across the bows' and I was bad at listening and seeing the signs. I have always loved him but he didn't see it anymore. So, I blame myself for being who I was and not realising what was happening to us/him.

I just have to live with this regret and sadness and pain for the rest of my life (and I'm not saying that for dramatic effect).

What doesn't help is that he is now doing things for the OW he never did for me (but I suppose I didn't do much for him). Meals, nice weekends away, buying her stuff, little treats. Talking to her and putting his energies into her in a way he never did with me. He loves her and wants to be with her. I know he will never come back, but I just feel broken and devastated still. That our 20 years together were a failure because we didn't have the sort of relationship we should have. I didn't know it was so bad. I loved him and was happy to be with him.

I know I have to look forward, and put it behind me, chalk it up to experience and learn lessons for my next relationship. But I wanted to chance to fix this one but it's too late for that.

And I'm still not coping. No get-up-and-go, not sorting stuff out, house is a tip, work is a disaster. And I cannot cope with being in the house on my own without the DCs, and that's still after all this time. I can't find a new normal for the evenings when the DC are in bed, I don't know what to do, my whole life and routine from before is pointless now.

Sorry for this long post

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 25/10/2015 09:26

Don't blame yourself, cassa, that path leads to more pain and confusion.
He wanted a new life without the responsibility of the old one.

Anyone can be nice to a new partner for a while, but the shine will wear off this relationship too , when real life intervenes, as it always does.

I thought about this the other day, obviously when my stbxh saw the ow she was always box fresh and the life and soul, giving him all her attention, whereas he saw me with scruffy hair and clothes, doing household stuff and being tired and normal. Men can be fickle and shallow creatures ( as can women of course) and they think the grass is always greener ( which it is if it's fed with bullshit)

You have to realise there was nothing you could have done cassa to repair the damage, he was already besotted. No amount of 'pick me dances ' or hysterical bonding would have fixed your marriage.

You will get through this, because you have to, there's no alternative, it will take time and it will be hard. You're allowed to be sad and grieve the relationship you though you would have. There is an end to this, it's just not the one you would have chosen. You have done all you could, so you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Take care of yourself, xx

OP posts:
sparklyDMs · 26/10/2015 22:27

Cassa, I also hate the bit when the DC's are in bed and you have time alone to think.

Your ex H had a choice, he had an affair and lied to you, he decided to do this and left you to cope.

I don't think you should try to take responsibility for him leaving. My ex H also recently disclosed that he left because of an affair - I'm finding that any healing I'd done before that was just overturned by this new truth, it's such a hard thing to get your head round.

Koko Cassa, thinking of you x

drifted2015 · 27/10/2015 21:40

Cassa I just wanted to say I am another one urging you on . Yes it is so shit. Basically the same happened to me & the excitement of an affair clearly got the better of my ExW.

When we almost reconciled in Feb when she cruelly said she would come home then decided against it , I realised I think it could never be fixed . I didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know your situation but I did whatever I could to make new routines. Very simple ones. Changing furniture about, moving pictures. I know darker evenings are harder . You can post on here as much as you like someone will be reading & like me will feel the urge to post to help you.

I still feel that yes some of it was my fault but in the game of top trumps in divorce I am afraid adultery sort of blows me out of the water .

What if ? Well hindsight I am afraid is something that is just that - it is behind us . Day by day you have to look at what you can do this day . Hey I still dwell sometimes in the past but it makes me f*ing angry as well . She didn't give a shit conducting an affair. Needless to say it has gone belly up & she has sent me some emotional letters .

We who are left have to help each other to get through to somewhere that is , maybe , contentment ? Trust me we feel your pain too .

So I am sending you some words that I hope you can look back on if you're having a shit time, we're all rooting for you, like those before us & those to come.

I wish I could wave a wand for you. KOKO. x.