Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Thank you for replying Paddling.

I'm just so tired and weary. I have lost count of the number of times I have had to dust myself off and pick myself up. I'm fed up of it. It doesn't feel like it gets me anywhere. He is relentless.

Hi family I was booted off for a bit this morning so could read but not reply.
You're not alone.

He can't be happy, nobody who is happy needs to hurt others. In what ways is he still hurting you?

Hi family my love, it is just guilt as paddling says. It's not enough for them to have their so called"dream woman" < no such person exists> they have to still have the power to affect your life in a detrimental way too. It's just a control issue, he has lost it and that freaks him out.

Have you had counselling or contacted WA ? Sorry if I have lost track of your backstory, you need to reclaim your life from this sorry sack of shite. How dare he treat you in this way, using your children as a stick to beat you with. Keep posting and we will give you the strength and support you need.

Thanks guys.

I tried counselling last year but didn't find it all that helpful. They can't change the situation and new things happen all the time so I would just be talking about the latest thing rather than making any progress. Maybe I'm waiting for a peace that will never come. How depressing.

He is just so unpleasant. I have never had anyone in my life that hates me and I find it hard to cope with, especially as I have done nothing wrong. He will ignore important emails or send vile replies. He refused to communicate with me throughout the whole divorce (costing me thousands on legal fees) and now is insisting I communicate with him because he wants something. He is late paying maintenance and I expect it to stop any day / him go self-employed. He picks the children up late. He is rude to people who help with childcare (who I obviously have to deal with). He has absolutely no empathy if the children are ill. Thinks he is an equal parent despite abandoning the children, has no respect for what I've done.

It probably doesn't seem like a lot and I know there are people in much worse situations. I've just had enough but there's no escaping it is there.

I think that it would be worth giving counselling another go. Don't feel that they need to know every detail in order to help you. A good counsellor will take their lead from you, identify what you need from that session and support you to figure out more helpful choices.

One of the most helpful aspects of this thread is that there's no competition. I'm having a bit of a low few days, plagued by the desire for reconciliation. I really know what you mean by that feeling of no escape. I'd love to have a holiday from the thoughts in my head. I can understand how people turn to drugs or drink (I do neither )

They can't change the situation and new things happen all the time so I would just be talking about the latest thing rather than making any progress.

You would make progress because you'd be learning as you go along how to deal with things because you'd be developing as a person.

Well, after a few low days and a wobbly start this morning, I'm rising on a high again.

Does anyone else think that this is like a spiral? You keep passing through the clouds, but each time it's not as painful as the last? Perhaps it doesn't last as long or isn't as intense?

Another thought is that each low is time of processing painful memories and thoughts. They have to be worked through and experienced and felt but it leads to a little bit of releasing and letting go. I think I've been a bit too keen not to wallow and that's led to a bit of repressing and making these thoughts stickier and pricklier than they need to be. I'm thinking that next time I might have a bit of a wallow - listen to some sad music and have a bit of a sob.

Myturn yes I think it is good to have a sob every now and then. Perhaps that has been my problem. My kids are very young and I think I've just got on with every day life (to be fair to myself we've more than just 'got on' - we have a wonderful time just the three of us). But maybe it's all built up a bit. When you have responsibilities like children, a job, a house you have to deal with probably the worst thing that has ever happened to you as well as every day life. It's so draining. People struggle anyway without all this crap!

I think we have to remember that there's no time limit on this process. I thought I'd be over it by now and sometimes I feel I'm getting there but sometimes it's like it's just happened.

I wish there was a way to know that everything was going to turn out ok. And while I'm at it, that everything does not turn out ok for him.

familiy sweetheart, we know that it will be ok because other posters who have been through this and survived with their sanity intact have told us so.

It doesn't make the process any easier to cope with on a daily basis though, so if you need to feel sad, feel it, cry, wallow, say "why me" while punching a pillow, rant, vent, do whatever you need to do. You've kept it all hidden from your children because you're a good mum, and don't want to upset them any more than they already have been.

Don't think that you need to be over this by now, who thinks that?

They can walk in your shoes for ten minutes and then see if they can" move on" . Your vile ex is still causing problems, your fight is ongoing, and so therefore is your pain and distress. Do whatever you need to do on here, we understand, we have been or are still currently going through the same difficulties . KOKO lovely lady, xx

family how far along are you with the divorce process? Sounds like he's still trying to control you and your feelings by being a thoughtless twat. The maintenance thing - get your sol to write him a letter stating that unless he pays the agreed amount the same time every month you will revert to the CMS (and they can just take it from him if he continues playing silly buggers!!!) - and this to start from the next payment. Re picking kids up late and messing you about - don't know anything about this but surely there should be some sort of agreement? Does he have to have anything to do with those who do childcare?

What you really need to do is somehow limit the communication he has with you to protect yourself. KOKO xx

Family sorry sweetheart, I'm fed up with the whole thing too. I'm sorry he's behaving the way he is, I hope things improve for you soon.

Sorry for the short reply but am about to go out. Will post properly later but didn't want to read and run. Take care and things will get better. KOKO. x

Thanks for all your kind messages. Sorry to take over the thread! Not my intention at all, guess sometimes you just need help.

I am now divorced but the order for the finances is with the court. Hopefully there will be nothing wrong with that. It has taken over 18 months to get here, I was willing to try and resolve it all as amicably as possibly but unfortunately he did not. My solicitor says he sees this kind of thing a lot. The loss of control for these controlling men is very hard for them to cope with. Poor lambs.

Bobs - hey - I am going to sort CMS when finances are done. It's always been my intention but SHL said to wait as it would get XH back up.

We have a court order in place for contact but there is little I can do. Can't really go to a judge and say can Contact stop please, he's frequently late. They think time with the Dad is important and as long as that box is ticked, they're not bothered about silly disputes.

Contact between us is very low but that is frustrating when I need him to respond. He has not bothered to get involved with major aspects of the children's lives so I don't bother telling him stuff anymore. It's very sad because I never wanted our 'co-parenting' to be like this.

I am still a bit hung up on what he thinks (I don't know why - maybe 12 years being with someone will do that). But you're right, it always gets used against me.

iwas sending you a hug. I hope we will all get through this.

Family I'm so sorry to read you're having a hard time.

The problem you got is that you want the best for your family. That means you want him to be the best absent dad in the world.

You know when you're a really nice, decent person who wants everything to just be okay, it means you assume everyone is the same as you.

So my harsh words for you are: stop assuming you're dealing with a person who is the same calibre as you. You're not. You're dealing with a twat.

Have you done WA's freedom programme? If not, get yourself on one. It's incredibly popular for a reason...and that reason is we have self-esteem issues which we needn't have.

Being late, being rude to people including people who are looking after your children, withholding financial support, not caring that his children are poorly, are all evidence that his character is corrupt. You're decent. He's not.

You've tried so hard to make him a decent parent. But he's failed. Not you. Please stop thinking you're responsible for him or his actions now.

I hope everyone is doing ok. I've been in the pit for a few days. Finding it very hard to KOKO.

Truly - you are amazing and I envy your strength.

I'm not sleeping with him - therein lies the problem - he's elsewhere.

Welcome family, your ex is a nightmare and I expect won't ever appreciate how you're holding the family together. I keep consoling myself when mine is late or fails to turn up that it is him that is setting up how the DC's will view him - making his own bed with them so to speak.
Bloody hard though.
Truly, well done on giving him the ultimatum - so glad you've called time on his 'having his cake and eating it' behaviour. Have a lovely weekend

I've been feeling really OK for a couple of weeks but I'm kind of crashing a bit now - feel like I miss him, but I suppose I don't really, just feeling lonely maybe.

Hope you all have a great Sunday, KOKO xx

Facing a day ahead on my own today, my first I think with absolutely no plans to spend time with anyone, and trying to see the good as well as the bad in each hour.

Keep going swiss, keep heading towards happier times.

I know that feeling sparkly, just all of this coming to terms with new situations isn't it?

Hello family. I'm a lurker not a poster (usually!) on this thread, although I have posted elsewhere on Relationships about the vile behaviour of my ExH. I can absolutely relate to what you say.

The most important thing I have to say to you right now is that things can and will get better. Many years down the line, now my DCs are older, ExH has absolutely no power over me at all. I have detached.

Along the way I learned to be pretty tough and I did report him to the domestic abuse unit for his shenanigans on the doorstep and on the phone, and they were very helpful. I also arranged for child support to be collected via the CSA (now CMS) and the staff there took on the 'pleasure' of dealing with an arrogant, angry, absorbed man - I just receive the money.

So that's my advice. Detach. Use other people and agencies to deal with him wherever possible. And in the meantime, start building up your own social life. I know it's difficult and bizarre to be on the receiving end of such undeserved and irrational hate, but that's his circus and his monkeys. It's his madness and you don't have to let it anywhere near you.

He's different with the DCs, interestingly (and unfortunately).

I mean fortunately!

Family I hope you're feeling a bit brighter today sweetheart. I don't think any of us wanted this life, but it is better than being married to a lying cheat. So although OW, on the surface, may seem to be having a lovely life I would rather have my life than be still married to my STBXH.

They are so selfish, they have to be to do what they did. I struggle to understand some of my ex's behaviour and wish he didn't still have the capacity to hurt or upset me. We will never be able to understand their behaviour because we have different values to them, so their selfish, horrible behaviour is alien to us. I think with them it just boils down to being selfish, putting themselves first at all times, having an ego the size of a house and a huge sense of entitlement. They think the world revolves around them and expect everyone to dance to their tune.

It suits their ego to think we are sitting around moping over them so I think they sometimes need to stir it up a bit, feel like they are still in control and continue to cause distress because it makes them feel important and that we still need them.

In time so people keep saying we will stop caring and thus they will lose that control and will no longer be able to hurt us. They may still do similar things which would have caused hurt but we will no longer care.

I have compromised a lot to try and get peace. I don't want the aggravation of constant battles so I do bite my tongue and let things go that I am upset about but try not to show him that.

Maybe he is angry because having got what he supposedly wanted the grass isn't as green as he thought it was. Happy people are rarely angry with other people like he is being. The thing with leaving someone for someone else is that the reason why they are not happy comes from within themselves. It is not down to us. He cannot run from himself so he has just taken his apparent unhappiness with him. Now the reality has sunk in and he's no doubt not getting much sleep with a young baby, all his problems and issues are still there. So all of this upset and upheaval has effectively been for nothing. Hence his anger.

He is angry at himself but it is far easier for him to blame you. KOKO sweetheart and let us know how you are, keep posting. xx

Truly well done on ending it. Your ex really does want to have his cake and eat it. While you were effectively still being in a relationship with him he had no incentive whatsoever to finish it with OW.

In all your posts it has been apparent that you would take him back if he finished with OW. I know it's very hard to accept what they are like, but you gave him another chance when you first found out about his affair and he repaid your loyalty by leaving you for OW. No man who will do this is worth your love and respect.

With all due respect I found it very difficult to understand why you would still be having sex with him knowing he is seeing OW. To know that he is going from your bed to hers and that he will be intimate with her before he's in your bed again. I couldn't do that in a million years no matter how good it was and what my needs were.

Sunday night: how are we all doing?

After my Sunday evening from hell a couple of weeks ago there's no taking chances here - biscuits at the ready, I splash the cash on a hot bath and plan life by the half hour.

Hello Liney thank you for delurking and offering some good advice, it's always reassuring to hear from people who are happy and more positive about the end of this horrible process, for you, xx

I'm alive. That's about it really. I think he's knocked it on the head with the new woman - well I know he's not seen her in a week but he won't tell me who it is - probably thinks I'm batty enough to kick off at her (I might).

He's agreed to attend relationship counselling with the caveat "please don't build up your hopes that it'll work", to which my response was "please don't rip apart our family".

So now I need to sit tight and not be too mental until we can start. I know it might not save the marriage, but it might give me the strength to move forward.

I just kind of don't know what to so with my life anymore. Ran into a new acquaintance at the beach yesterday and cried behind my sunglasses at her... She's offered to take the DC's overnight if I just need to sleep and cry and think.

My own business is fast going down the swanny as I can't decide which tshirt to wear never mind putting sensible thoughts to paper. I thought about doing another degree but I don't think my brain will be back by sept/oct. Looked at all the night classes starting and toot toot I know it all and could teach some at a higher level. I think maybe it's just going to be boxsets for a little longer.

He says he doesn't hate me - so why is he taking the only thing in the world I've ever wanted? A family I mean. I'm NC with mine so it's always been important to me to create one.

KOKO - another afternoon at the beach I hope. We've had a lot of sharks and whales the last week or two so I'll take my binoculars.

hi everyone

alive & kicking ... checking in ... Been on hols ... but kept a quick eye on the thread . No advice to anyone , just thinking of us all .

WWK - any little step that any of us take is indeed a victory for team Hobbit. Changing my local premier league side to Hobbit United. We are honest & faithful to our club ( unlike premier league players who go where their ego is stroked, a bit like those who f*ed off ) .

Quite a good analogy ! ( is that the right word ? )

KOKO xxx