Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Cassa I'm really sorry you are struggling. Early on in discovering my ex was cheating on me I blamed myself. Our sex life was infrequent to put it mildly and I had thought he was okay with it as we had talked about it. Turns out we had different interpretations of that and I thought if I had been different with him then he might not have cheated. I hadn't realised how it made him feel when I rejected him and I felt awful. It actually transpired it was nothing to do with me as he'd cheated for years and on his first wife too so nothing to do with his sex life at home. But I did blame myself and wish I had done things differently.

If he didn't tell you how it made him feel then he must take responsibility for that. It is not just down to you and whatever you did or didn't do there is never an excuse to cheat. Never.

I can relate to your pain about your ex making more effort with the OW. It does hurt so much when they do things with her that they had no interest in doing with you. In recent years my ex and I hardly ever went out, he was too busy working all the time. We very rarely went out for meals or walks together. He was always supportive to me but didn't do anything nice for me.

He's currently on holiday yet again with OW, they seem to go out a lot for meals. They regularly walk our dog together yet he rarely wanted me to go with him. He doesn't work anywhere near the hours he used to as he seems to want to spend his time with her - he didn't with me and that still really hurts.

I still badly lack motivation and my house it a tip too. It used to be so tidy. It's fairly clean but a mess and I'm embarrassed by it.

I think, in time, some of the hurt will feel less raw and painful and the new normal will become okay but it does take a long time to get there.

I'm sorry I have no real advice but just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you are feeling.

KOKO.

Thanks for everyone's kind messages. iwas I have followed your story and think we are quite similar in finding it hard to let go.

So on the advice of my SHL I have sadly initiated filing the form. For the first time I hate him, for making me the one to end our marriage. I'm not sure I can forgive him for this. I could have forgiven the affair and many other things. But to me marriage was for life and I liked being married to him and to take that away and make me be the one to do it... For the first time I have no wish to see or speak to him. Funny what you find really matters to you.

Hello all, checking in. It is bad enough breaking up a marriage and feeling (well I feel) like a failure in that I believed marriage was together through everything - your other half has not been on the same page, or has not been happy with you - all that is bad enough. But when you find that they have taken what seems like the easy way out and hung their leaving on being with someone else it hurts much much more. It's like they can't be arsed to work through the swings and roundabouts that come with two separate individuals trying to make a life together but just cut and run, and you are left alone. Horrible. I've said all along I can stand most things but not lying. But that's what I keep getting - and lies really are a gift that keeps giving as you go back over everything and reassess it in new lights. There's just nothing solid any more.

Hello Happy, Christ yes, it hurts sooo much more..now the lies have come out and the OW is being publicly aired, I feel like I've been sideswiped. Most definitely the shitty gift that keeps giving.
I also am reeling that he told me lots of things that he didn't like about me when he left, but then retracted them when he admitted to OW.

It's so hard when me and the DC's are struggling, but he seems to be skipping through his new life.
Happy, stay strong, from seeing the old hands on here, I'm sure we'll be alright in the end x

Hello happy and sparkly, yes divorce is the shitty gift that keeps on giving too right. You are getting to the stage where all the lies and deception he told are coming to the fore.

The realisation is like a hammer blow. It's as if you never really knew this person, and he has not only taken your self esteem and your perceived joint future away, he has also re-written history and tainted your past.

You will get through this, you and your children deserve so much better, it's time to make sure you get a decent settlement, so you can live without the worry of struggling financially. The emotional aspects of a partners betrayal will take time to get over, but acknowledging that is half the battle I believe.

Don't let anyone tell you that it's time you got over this, or you should be moving on by now, everyone has a different time scale for recovery. It will take as long as it takes. I feel better than I did this time last year, of course I do, but I'm still not free of it. Once I could admit that, I felt stronger, it's a life changing event, but it's not a life defining event.

Love from all the Hobbiteers, xx

Thanks Sparkly and Hobbitwife, it is sooo hard. We will get through it. And good things are happening in my life - but I do feel like a shell of my former self. KOKO. xx

Cassa yes it is hard to let go especially when you still have a lot of contact.

Well done on taking the step to file for divorce, it is pretty shit and like you I thought marriage was for life and I also liked being married to my now ex husband. Sadly their behaviour dictated that it couldn't stay that way.

Someone said to me that my ex effectively ended our marriage when he cheated on me so please don't feel that it is you who ended your marriage. He did that by his behaviour.

I hope you're okay

Family sweetheart how are you, you've not posted for a while. I hope things are a bit easier for you now.

A friend sent me this - thought it may amuse :-)
Koko xx

Ehhaaahhaaa... Too true sparkly my love that did make me smile....

I think it may have to become my mantra!

I don't know what to post. I am still married despite him moving out physically two and a half years ago. There are many reasons for this although I think it is time to start hassling him again, I got the nisi sorted in March 2014.

He is a lot less generous now, in fact he is downright unethical refusing to help support over 18 but dependent children. He has a girlfriend and a baby trumping the 'old' families needs.

I think what I want to say to you all is push for the divorce as soon as you are sure the marriage is over. Take advantage of any guilt he might be feeling. It won't last.

Hi everyone . Sort of checking in to say hello & keep in touch.

I divorced ExW ASAP and yep the guilt thing worked. You need to move fast to protect yourself , your children , your future and importantly YOU. I spent 19 years loving my wife and she ended it by having an affair . One year ago today I was extremely happily married . I am now a divorcee . My best friend who is a woman happily married to her hubby for 20 years said to me on Friday my life in the last 12 months is surreal like a script from a soap opera.

I am getting out & about and meeting people making new friends , female friends, but I am not dating anyone, I just like female company . All of us on here are all in the same shit situation because our partners ended our relationships with their selfishness . Trust me ( I can trust myself ) it still hurts some days but better days , better weeks , months and well next year I have a feeling it will be better when this one closes in 8 weeks time .

I read the Hobbit Bar and I so want to offer you all help & say stay strong. KOKO. It isn't easy I know that , I am not being flippant, I am just saying to you all that there are many people like you out here , we are not all bad people, we just picked a bad one . I am afraid that is the truth . We know it, but those selfish people wouldn't know the truth . Because they lie and lie easily. I cannot. We cannot.

Keep building your new life, I am building a new life as a divorcee and that wasn't meant to be . But it is the hand that I have been dealt & I must work with it.

Thinking of you all my fellow Hobbiteers.

KOKO xxx.