Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Hi 2little my lovely, he's just quoting from page one of the Narcissist's handbook isn't he?

1. Nothing is ever your fault...

He's angry with you because he can't be angry with himself can he? That would make him a despicable human being and he can't acknowledge that.

He lost his perceived right to tell you what to do when he abandoned his pregnant wife and child for another woman.

Thank you all for your replies.
I think you're right it's the guilt and perhaps realising that it isn't as easy as he thought it would be. He admitted he doesn't call dd during the week because he finds it too difficult - still all about him isn't it!

When he left I was so desperate to save my family and was totally convinced that it was all my fault so he has continued to blame me but through therapy I have learnt that I am not perfect but no human really deserves this sort of treatment from another.
He is such an arse and I wish he'd change the record and lose the attitude, he is not 17!!

2little - I hope you tell yourself how effing amazing you are every day.

To deal with all this, as the rest of us know, is bloody hard work - but to deal with the pregnancy and imminent birth with his fuckwittery and without the support of a partner takes a bloody phenomenal woman.

I would arrange for someone else to text or call him at the time, or when you go into labour - does he not even want to be there for when baby is born? He is a total cunting cretin, isn't he? I would think his guilt is rotting his innards day by day. Good.

Swiss - You know you're sooooooo much better than OW. I met the OW last year and had a 'civilised' chat with her - she was shitting herself and feeling so wretched with guilt that I fucking dominated the whole situation.
I'd love to bump into her, I fantasise about going to the office and giving her a piece of my mind, and making her feel as horrendous as she has made me feel at my lowest points. I am superior to her in every way. Even if DH stays with her, she will always be pond life as far as I'm concerned, and he'll be pond scum.

That OW is shit on your shoe, Swiss. Go to Tesco's looking fab, head held high.

We fucking rock, ladies (and gentleman). It might be hard shit, but we're getting through this and WE FUCKING ROCK.

How is everyone doing?

I wonder if the long, slow slog is harder than the moments of crisis.

Maybe not

Still alive. Just. Went mental at him last night because I thought he was going around to her's again and then... I dropped the bombshell secret I've been carrying for the last 10 years. I don't want to say what it is, but it is significant. It's one of those secrets you don't tend to share with anyone someone you've just met when it's all flirty and casual... and then you're in a relationship and there never seems to be the right time... and then you're so damned far in you can't say because you should've come clean years ago. So basically I've been like a coiled spring the last ten years waiting for the sky to fall in and adopting coping strategies/trying to fix things... which made me a "less than pleasant" person to be in a relationship with. I just wanted him to understand why I was the way I was... and that I kept my trap shut because I thought I was protecting all of us.

Upshot is, he's not overly impressed - by the secret or the fact that I never told him, but he does understand and is now processing all of that.

The funny thing is I built up to tell him about 18 months ago, you know, I'd steeled my nerves, we'd both had a drink or two - and then DS1 puked all over our bed, he was sick and there was a long drive the next day and it didn't happen.

FF 18 months and that spring has uncoiled and I'm actually at where I should've been all those years ago, mentally I mean. And now I see all those things I thought were important - e.g., "I want a man with ambition", "I want a man with money" - were utterly my projections because of my secret - and I listened a little too closely to the advice of others.

Gosh what a ramble.

In other news, I went to Tesco - and it was the order I made the night I found out he had someone else... bit of an "odd" one. No fucking wine and yet so, so, soooooo many olives and fucking vegetables!

Four litres of greek yoghurt anyone?

swiss you have a great sense of humour that comes through in your posts, even in the hardest of times.

Have you ever told anyone about your secret? I'm thinking that counselling might help?

This is week 6 for me and I think that I'm finally entering the angry phase.

I've come out of the angry phase and straight back in to the god-l-love-him-so-much-just-want-him-to-come-to-his-senses-and-come-home phase.

2little, no way I would let him be there at the birth. Witnessing your child come into the world is s miracle and a privilege, he does not deserve that!

Who do you have around for the birth? I am sorry I can't remember much of the last thread or two! My brain has stopped for the summer!

Swiss - you sound like you've had a real personal epiphany - must be a relief regardless of how he took the revelation.

Those olives could come in handy if you do every bump into OW - great ammunition if you're not up for giving her a verbal "fuck you and fuck you some more" attack?

Myturn - the rollercoaster of emotions is exhausting. I've had some moments of screaming and almost spitting with fury and hatred at DH, to hysterical sobbing and desperation at how I can't seem to turn my back on him, and knowing that I still love and care for him dearly in the space of an hour.

I'm 6 months in, and those moments are all much easier and moderate to deal with. And I feel fortunate that we both try to move forward in whichever direction we're headed with kindness and understanding.

It would be easier to despise him, but not constructive for either of us, or the DCs.

I should've said, turned out he actually wasn't at hers last night... I didn't know until he texted me after 9 and kept on texting... would've been a little more than crass to have done so at hers.

Truly You're right, it has been a personal journey - oooh get me, sign me up to x-factor! - nah seriously - I am not the person I was 3 months ago, 6 months ago - but am I too late? I don't know. He's just gone home now after doing some DIY which has had me in tears for days.

Olives = martini fodder shirley?

myturnnow thank you for the compliment! My humour is often used as a mask and I've used it as a weapon to deflect "feeling"... but I suppose I am just a really funny git when push comes to shove! I did actually tell my therapist... well, I told him a quarter of the truth - and whilst he gave me practical advice I sensed his disapproval. It's a tricky one, it's pretty much all solved now and I'm no longer scared of the past coming back to bite me on the arse - and I slept well last night and I feel calmer - I no longer have anything to hide - it's all out there.

2little what I was trying to say the other day is that I don't think you should have him there. I think whomever your birthing partner is (friend?) that it should be your birthing parther's responsibility. E.g, if it's your best friend, she can tell her husband after the event - that way you're 2 links removed from any anger/fuckwittery - and you don't even need to see it on your friend's face.

He left at 8, I've not cried, I was sad - my youngest told me he was sad daddy was going - but fuck it I've kept my shit together today - yay me! Even though the fucking car won't start and I'm going to have to flash my baps at the garage tomorrow. But the switching emotions are so hard, I hate him, I love him, I miss him, fuck off forever, fuck your maintenance, fuck your visits, come back - and there at the back of it all is; he was my best friend - how could I not want him to be happy? how dare he

oh Swiss, you just made me burst into tears with how could I not want him to be happy?
Do you think he is?
I'm sending you such a big hug...

(and trying not to be jealous that you have baps that you would proudly flash to the garage - you could get extra discount with smearing the surplus greek yog on them too?)

Swiss I could have written your sentence about switching emotions. It's so head vs heart

Joy of joys here tonight. He thinks he should have both girls for new year. Yes he thinks it's a good idea for 14 month old to travel 120 miles each way & stay overnight with him coz he's not a stranger he talks to her on facetime 2/3 times a week and sees her once a fortnight and she won't be a baby by then & will be in nursery.

Hello all,

Awake early again!

Twisted - stand your ground if you don't feel new year is in dds best interests. These men have such a sense of entitlement after what they've done!

Swiss - you sound as though you're on the right path to meh which is awesome!

In response, I have 2 birthing partner options and good friends around to have dd when I go in. Ex is in no way part of the plan, he lost his right to that when he tried to force me to terminate, lied, cheated and verbally abused me, took dd and refused to let me see her. He does not get to share those first special moments, oh no.
He will be informed as and when i feel ready by whatever means I feel good with at the time. The only issue with someone else informing him is that they are unlikely to be polite. People in my life really hate him.

He's still doing the nasty then nice Jekyll and Hyde routine at the moment so I trust nothing.

Koko all of you, I'm 6 months on and it does get easier, I could never go back now and my life strangely feels fuller and richer for his absence. Achieving all that we have shows what strong ladies we all are!

That's a really positive post 2little my lovely, I am just so in awe of your strength and attitude, glad you have supportive friends, I know your family aren't the best help to you. Xx

I can't always string a sentence together about this experience, but I really appreciate reading everyone's thoughts and feelings. It feels good to know that not one of us is alone.

Thank you hobbit, I think I hit rock bottom in the beginning and realised I hadn't lost anything worth having more the idea of what I could've had but if I continued in the downward spiral I really would lose all I had. So there was no option but to get on with it and day by day it's got a little easier. I no longer think of all he's missing I just think of all I have. I wouldn't swap that little voice that wakes me up each morning asking if it's waking up time for anything.
I am a little bit terrified about juggling a toddler and a newborn and my open uni degree but I know the sense of accomplishment will be worth all the hard work. Failure is not an option as they say.

I think I'm bouncing up and down on rock bottom.

Bad hour right now.

Just run on to hold your hand. X

Thanks Swiss

Coming around now I think. Sometimes I just think, what a fucking waste and spiral downwards.

I need to focus on the positive things I have planned

My turn, hang on in there. Take it hour by hour or whatever feels doable. Plans are good to help us look to the horizon. You're amazingly strong. Koko my lovely

Thanks 2little. I was just thinking about where we'll all be a year from now - a year of uni under our belts, children for you...

Not in a cheery frame of mind myself - but you're not alone Myturn, there's comfort in numbers, I suppose....

Had a couple of calls today from DH - he's coming to see us tomorrow pm. I know he must be putting constant strain on relationship with OW. i know he's coming over and calling more and more, and we're enjoying being with each other more. He came over on Tuesday night for dinner and said he definitely wants to reconcile. But I keep saying he has to end the relationship with her for that to happen.

And I suppose it's that state of uncertainty and waiting, and wondering and still having to cope with those horrible feelings knowing he's with her most nights that gets me down.

Truly, that must be screwing with your head tremendously. You deserve so much more than a man with one foot inside 2 doors.

Having a tough evening with the toddler tonight, I know I have to stand my ground otherwise life is going to be awful when baby arrives but I also know that this must be so hard for her.

Truly - he says he's not happy, very little pleasure in his life. I think that's probably true.

Ok - going to put it out there. Sex. Are any of you sleeping with your ex? I need sex - never actually felt like this before when single.