Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

2little hope you're comfortable and able to ignore his fuckwittery as much as possible, it's the last thing you need now. Swiss, hoping your health problems are under control.

I'm currently on holiday in France - I went to visit a friend for a few days with the DC's and then onto a eurocamps park where H joined us. My first time driving on the wrong side and taking the DC's on my own so was quite proud of myself.
Although I knew a happy family holiday would feel weird, it's dawning on me that I'm not anywhere near over H and keep catching myself trying to impress him. It's all bollocks though cos I know logically we're going separate ways when this is over, but I can't believe I've been stupid enough to do a shared holiday when I appear to be harbouring hopes of getting a happy family back. Fuck. I really don't want to end up a mess again. Needed to offload, cos KOKO is going to be really hard this week, just kicking myself for being in this bloody situation.

Hi everyone just keeping in touch . Got lounge redecorated as the ex marital home is now in my sole name so things have progressed to the point that I am now divorced & a homeowner.

9 months ago my wife only needed space. It is funny how much I have moved on really, I didn't listen to the advice from fellow Hobbiteers earlier and certainly getting my main room redecorated has been the best thing - I feel like new things are moving now.

Didn't spend hundreds of pounds - just paint , second hand sofa for the dog , threw carpet out and off to Ikea for new rug - £200 max over 2 months saved up over 6 months so that as we go into the Autumn it is a new start . I loved Autumn when we were married then too so it will be a difficult day soon .

Just sort of saying that small changes bring better moods which then makes smaller things seem much better ? Whereas in the past small issues seemed insurmountable ?

KOKO , it is hard but each day . We all know that .

You have done so well in such a short space of time, drifted my love, it does make a difference to redecorate, sort of reclaims the space just for you doesn't it? Onwards and upwards to a settled new future, xx

Got back from the family holiday in France, it was lovely (aside from being reversed into by a lorry while queuing at a peage - pushed the car backwards and smashed the headlight, the lorry driver just glanced at the damage, shrugged and drove away).

H was great while we were away, maybe because he couldn't just go off partying and we were one big happy family for a few days - a massive amount of the pressure of looking after the DC's on my own was completely lifted. Then we got back and he helped get in and emptied the car and then left again and it was just like I've gone back to the start - I feel utterly broken. That's it really, just sodding broken.
Hope you're all doing ok - koko x

Does he have an OW sparkly ? Sorry I've lost track of your story a bit, that must have been so difficult to be reunited as a family again on holiday, and then left again to cope with the aftermath once more.

Why did you do that? Was the holiday booked a while ago and you didn't want to let the children miss out? It just seems such a hard thing to do from your side. You're certainly a much bigger person than I could be in the circumstances. I'm so sorry you're feeling broken again, xx

Hi Hobbit, we'd planned to have a family holiday but I was waiting to see if I needed chemo after surgery before booking anything. When I got the all clear, H left and I decided to book a for me and the kids anyway. Roll forward to the conversation with the kids when we told them we were splitting up and he promised them that he'd come on the holiday. Bit weak of me really, but I went along with it. Never again though, don't want to feel like this again.
He says he doesn't have an OW, but he does live rent free with a female friend who practically stuffed a key in his hand when he decided he wanted to leave, so I'm a bit suspicious that there may be more to it...he's an alcoholic, drank and partied all the time and left me to look after the kids. The 'friend' he lives with is just like him.
Feel a bit better now, met a friend this morning who helped me sort my perspective out.
It's quite quiet round here so hope everyone's ok xx

Yes, it has been quiet, MN as a whole has been a lot quieter since 'Hackergate' sending you love and strength my love, it sounds like he was for more trouble than he was worth, but that doesn't mean the pain is any less I know atm.

I got a new mattress the day after dd helped me turn the old one and I discovered a dint where his ass had been

braving hahahahahaha....

Any update anyone on 2little2late2change4now?

I have just come on to see if there was an update from her too. 2little - you are in my thoughts right now.

Dh wants to reconcile. My head is taken up with whether to tie him in to a punishing post nup when the likelihood of me leaving anyway is high, or to just be done with it and divorce him outright. Have started seeing the counsellor again and am going back in a couple of weeks to do a final check of my decision and prepare myself for telling him. Decisions, decisions.

Yes, can you let us know how you are2little my love?
Thinking of you, xx

Hello everyone,

just checking in - and really sorry I am going to have to post and run...just didn't want you to think you haven't all been on my mind. I am living in a caravan with no wifi so my ability to access your lovely postings is - well, non-existent. I think I am going to be moving to Leeds, so anyone who wants to tell me about this city is very welcome. When I can actually access your thoughts...

Hope you are all well and KOKO.

2little, sparkly, swiss and all you other strong and amazing people, I am reading about you instead of listening in a meeting - how are you all?

Just caught up - you are all doing well even if you feel you are not.

STBXH not happy with me at the moment as he told me that he had told his sister that we were splitting up because we'd "drifted apart and wanted different things" - and I said that although I was not in control of the reasons he gave to other people, I would rather he told them the same thing he told me - that I'd got fat and he had fallen out of love with me. Didn't go down well. Meh.

I am interested in the strategies you are all using. I have been up to my neck in self help books (helped by not having any internet)

Hi All,

I have been lurking on these threads for a while but not actually got up the nerve to post anything!

exH left me and our DS(7) in January saying that it wasn't working and it was all my fault!

2 years previously we were out at a party and i ended up being assaulted by a coworkers husband. (D)H came around the corner and saw what he assumed to be me being unfaithful and promptly walked away! I had been drinking quite heavily that night but i usually have a limit when i know to stop and have never in my 37 years been in such a state that i had to be literally carried out of a bar (even during 4 years of university!). I think looking back now that i may have had my drink spiked but anyway...This incident of "me cheating in front of his face" as he worded it had been playing on his mind for 2 years and he couldn't get past it so he was leaving. There were others issues he came out with such as me being constantly on my phone or tablet and being ignorant (while he fell asleep on the couch!).

Well, a few weeks after he left to rent a friends apartment (we moved to Cyprus 4 years ago), i found out that he had suddenly started seeing our next door neighbour (who is 10 years younger than us) and it is still going on (only maybe 1 or 2 nights a week) while i am still living in our house next door to where she lives! He said it just happened but again hindsight is a wonderful thing and i believe that they were having at least an emotional affair before christmas but have no proof.

Anyway, I thought i was doing really well getting on with my life, we are civil to each other, have a settled routine for contact with DS and when we have had family come out this year they have stayed with me (this is his family as mine already live here!) and all of them are disgusted with him - his mother believes he has had a breakdown and i can see why she would think that as he has shown many classic signs of depression.

This last weekend i went out on my own (his weekend with DS) and got chatting to a guy i had seen about before. Anyway, we had a couple of drinks then decided to come back to mine (he knew the situation) for a few more drinks. He made a move and kissed me and i just froze! I felt so stupid, i could feel the tears coming and it seriously made me feel like i was cheating!! How XH could think i had cheated on him before is ridiculous if i can't even kiss someone 8 months after he walked out on me!!

i really need a big kick up the arse! please someone talk sense into me, i just don't know how to get back on track i seem to have taken a huge step backwards and don't know how to get past this. It doesn't help that i have had many people tell me how unhappy he is and how he regrets what he has done but that doesn't make it any better for me. I know i shouldn't after all this but i seriously can't help but feel if he turned around tomorrow and said he had made a mistake i would consider taking him back.

Please oh wise ones help me! (sorry about the huge essay i just needed to get it all out )

Happy, good to hear from you, my DH also told other people a much more benign reason for leaving than the truth - I think he does it to feel justified, but I also want to tell people it's not my story. I'm lucky to have some really great support in RL and I've been pulled up by my bootstraps when I start wallowing. I've got a self help book too - a Paul McKenna one - it has got some useful advice.
Hello Choccy, welcome to the bar, sorry that you have to be here. What a bloody awful situation to have the OW right on your door step! Sounds like maybe you weren't quite ready for your date. You sound like you're being strong and coping really well with all this.

Does sound like there's more to him leaving than the flimsy reasons he gave you.
KOKO team Hobbit xx

choccy sweetheart, you don't need a kick up the arse, you need a hug and a shoulder to cry on while you sort your head out.

You've been through a lot, how dare he use the fact that you were assaulted as mitigation for leaving you and your son. He's just trying to blame you for the fact that his head was turned by another woman. Men very rarely leave a relationship to be on their own. As you say, you already suspected he was having at least an emotional affair with your neighbour.

And now he has ' supposed' regrets, well boo fucking hoo for him, now he's found out the grass isn't always greener, he has 'regrets' I'm so sorry, but there is no way back after such callous treatment. It wiil take time, but you will get over this, and you will find someone who deserves your love and respect. You're only young, you have everything ahead of you, enjoy your son and look to your future, xx

Not a good day today. He is divorcing me. Still can't believe that it is true. House sold. Told him that am moving a hundred miles away with the baby and he said 'when are you moving'? It is just the relentlessness of being a single parent of a baby with no family or really close friends nearby. It's lonely. I miss him, even though I don't want this bullying passive aggressive person he has become. Not the life I thought I would have, and not the family we would be. So devastated that house sold, really becoming final now. Need to 'finalise' things quickly he says :-(

Oh choccy and rosehip so sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad. Listen to Hobbit, she knows what she is saying

rosehip it is funny how quickly they want things to move isn't it? Almost as if doing things is the preferred option to thinking about things, feeling things, or even talking about things (heaven forefend)

Thanks for the replies, I have given myself a shake and cleared my head a bit. I have decided to move house ( we rent so it's not too difficult and lots to choose from out here) but a part of me wants to stay put so as not to make life easy for them (he is not allowed to set foot near her house!). I will get there and I think a new house that just me and DS can call our own will make a big difference.

I saw this photo on Facebook earlier and thought it was something that should apply to all the hobbits x

rosehip my love, I'm nearly a year down the line from him leaving, and still some days I think, WTF? He's done that to our family, after 27 years ?

The utter detachment and disregard is very hard to come to terms with. How old is your child? Have you posted before under a different name? If you don't want to give any details that's fine, just know that we know how you are feeling, and want to give support and advice if we can. What a vile specimen he is.

Yes, choccy get away from his toxic influence. New broom sweeps clean and all that. Make a fresh start with your boy, somewhere he has never stepped foot in. KOKO my lovely, xx

Hi All
Think posted a few months ago, when the shock was a bit much. Dc just fifteen months now - was ten when he made this announcement. Hard not to see a connection with becoming a parent as been together ten years. I don't know how you manage after 27 years Hobbit. It is all those shared memories and significant events that feel tainted by this

Hi,rosehip my love, those first few months I think I ran on adrenaline, I just couldn't believe he would do that to our family. It's coming up to a year for me now since he left the marital home, and it still occupies my thoughts most days, although it does get easier.

The house will go up for sale in the spring of next year, and a new start in a new home should banish some of the memories it holds.

You are right in saying it is difficult, it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Have you name changed my love? Do you want to give some back story?
It doesn't matter if you don't want to, we all know exactly how you are feeling, whatever happened. Cherish your little one, how a man could decide to walk away from such a young baby is never understandable in my eyes.

Hello Rosehip, I know what you mean about tainted memories. I have most trouble with what in hindsight is misplaced want/love/need - call it what you will. I had some pretty major health scares this year and I needed him (pretty normal I think to rely on H for strength) but I feel an idiot because he was just waiting for the all clear to leave...??Need some positivity - been pretty down of late. Maybe the return of Strictly will do it! Was thinking of joining a dance class, perhaps now is the time to go and do it ??KOKO team hobbit xx??

Now is the time to do whatever you want sparkly, whatever will lift you and build up your confidence and make you happy.

I too had a health issue in the months up to him leaving and was perturbed as to why he wasn't being supportive, and dismissive of the tests being needed or of any concern. Obviously, he was already in the throes of the affair and me being diagnosed with cancer wasn't in his grand plan. After all, how could he leave his wife then? How would that look to his cycling nut job mates, including OW? Luckily for me, < and him > it wasn't anything life threatening. And he got to skip off into the distance without a backward glance. And he wonders why I'm finding it hard to ' move on'

What an utter cunt...