Hobbit's Bar is still open.... Still finding it hard.. Part 12 .

[Hobbitwife001]

Well ladies and gentlemen, we're still open for business, this shit is still hard and we are still KOKO ing .....

Jess still finds time to support our endeavours with her Jessagrams...

Let's carry on shall we...

Lovely to hear from you drifted, glad you are making progress towards feeling somewhat settled. Like you say, we have just got to KOKO. Xx

My mate who is a shit hot family lawyer always says 'look for the woman' because in most of our cases there is another woman already set up or already in place. Men don't leave a relationship to be on their own, their needs are too overwhelmingly selfish. I'm so sorry rosehip my love that this OW has 'suddenly' appeared, I can give you a virtual hug and a hand to hold. This process truly is shit, and the cheaters involved even worse.

Thanks for the tea Rosehip and the wise words Drifted.

Don't know what's the matter with me tonight, just can't stop the crying, just feel heartbroken like it's the first day again - scared, lonely, bit more scared and I miss him. All completely futile really, 4 months down the line wasn't really expecting to suddenly fall apart like day 1.
Just needed to offload. Hope everyone's ok xx

Sparkly, we all have moments like that, after days of being upbeat, and dare I say, excited about the suddenly open future in front of us, I can be felled by the tiniest of things. The most recent was seeing my dog wagging his tail in excitement at seeing him, just toeget ignored, and slink away dejected and not understanding. Makes me want to weep thinking about it now.

The missing of them, of 'your' thing (watching the bake off, swapping books, chatting about where to walk the aforementioned...or whatever) IS painful.

The ow is not an unexpected event I suppose, but trying to bluster past it in mediation, and try not include it in divorce proceedings (yep, he is divorcing me), or any sensible child access conversation is just infuriating, but only assists me in maintaining my fury. Stay angry ladies because you can be sure they are not crying over us

Yep, keep the anger rosehip it will help you get through the negotiation process, just think of your children and fight for the best possible outcome for yourselves.

My stbxh tried to get me to feel sorry for him at mediation, as if I could give a flying fuck about his perceived worries that he would die early, all the more reason to push for more maintenance while he's still alive then!

These 'men' are beyond belief, expecting to skip off into the sunset with the new woman and just abandoning their responsibilities. Take care of yourself.

sparkly I still have days when I cry, and I'm a year on now from when he left, four months is nothing at all. The adrenaline you were running on has now left your body and you have had a crash.

It's very common, so don't worry about it, just let yourself grieve for your relationship, and realise you will come back up again, gather your friends and family support around you. It's only time that will heal the pain you feel, and that's hard to deal with when you are still in the middle of all this shit.
We all want a fast forward button to press to get us to the other side. But don't beat yourself up for not ' moving on' < hate that phrase> as quickly as you would like, it will take as long as you need it to take.

My ex can't understand why I'm not fine and dandy, and still angry and hurt by his actions after 28 years together, why I haven't just accepted his decision and moved on, the reason is, I'm an actual person with real feelings and memories, not a robot. I can't just press a button to restart my life over and erase my past like he apparently has so easily. Chin up my lovely Hobbiteers, xx

Have spent two days sobbing as the reality of being on my own, in a new place, hits home. I know this shit is hard but actually everything is hard - things I would normally just get on with just seem too hard. Bureaucracy driving me to despair - I'm thinking, come on, get a grip, just work through it...but I've not been single for just so long that I don't feel like I even know who I am any more. Of course that is one of the roots of the whole problem - who am I? I'm not Jean Valjean and that's about as much as I know.

I feel totally, utterly fragile, and I feel that I will be alone for the rest of my life. At times I have been ok with that thought - but actually at the moment it is making me wonder what the point is of anything at all.

I do realise that a big problem in my life, one I really have to get over, is that I have subsumed myself in my family, without paying much real attention to myself. I would never have said that about myself two years ago; I thought I was pretty balanced. But when we bought our firstborn home I kind of held her and said, "what do I do?" It felt so strange and unknowable, so mysterious and frightening, this new life. And that's a bit what it feels like now - only without the imperative of looking after that little soul.

Everything - just everything - is making me cry. I do realise that at some point I'm bound to feel better, but at this point I can't imagine ever feeling joy or even simple happiness again. And I guess I'm just - scared. Scared of everything, in mourning...anger is easier, for sure. This feels bottomless.

happy my love, these feelings of despair and confusion will ease, I promise you, but at the time everything seems so overwhelming, and even the simplest task is difficult. You just have to take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time if that is what works for you.

You will feel happy again, of course you will, your state of mind is not controlled by the man who decided to leave. You can grieve for the loss of the relationship and the future you thought you'd have, that's a natural reaction. Just as its natural to be scared, scared of the unfamiliar things that are ahead. But you will get through it, because you have to, thousands of other people have got to the other side, and are content again. If you have time read through some of the earlier threads, we all felt like you do my love. Gain strength and joy from your child, xx

Hi everyone, wondering if I can join you? I've written a couple of threads about my ex, but just reading some of your experiences has made me realise I'm not alone & that it's ok to still be mourning. We weren't even together long (21 months), but I was a year on from horrible divorce & he had just separated. Looking back there were loads of red flags: sweeping me off my feet, early declarations of love, wanting his future to be with me blah blah blah. I could kick myself now looking back. I truly fell for him as I so wanted someone to love me. We were fine gor about a year, then the mask started to drop. He went on & on & ducking on about his ex w and how horrible she was. He was depressed (had actually been sectioned in the past), he was selfish in bed & NOTHING was ever his fault... You know the type. Anyway, I was brave & finished it after some particularly awful verbal abuse & me telling him he scared me. But I've pined & pined for him. I literally can't stop thinking about him & it's four months on. I've only seen him twice - very quick just to get stuff back. He doesn't care about me, despite protestations he did when I last saw him. I just want to stop feeling like this & obsessing over him. I'm dreading Christmas, as I let him in to our family Christmas with my parents last year & we had an amazing time. But nothing was enough for him to stop feeling angry about everything, especially his ex. I'm convinced he's gone back yo her & am now torturing myself about that on top of everything. Talk to me ladies, tell me I WILL get over him AT SOME POINT??? Thanks in advance...

Hi everyone

Apologies for the ever so slightly drunken post on Friday night I was having one of those days where nothing was going right (a house I had been really interested in disappeared from the website because I took parents advice not to rush into it and someone else got there first!) then along comes a guy who I can have a decent conversation with and genuinely seems interested in me and I freaked a bit! It was a little bitter sweet really as he was getting on a plane the following day until next year so we both knew it would only be the 1 night but I thought you know what? Sod it! I deserve this, I deserve someone to look at me like they really want me and not to feel guilty for it so I went for it!!

I had a really good night and am feeling so much better, just need to find another house I can see myself in now

Thanks everyone for being there xx

Of course you will get over him should my lovely, from the outside I can't see what you've lost tbh. He sounds awful, needy, manipulative, aggressive, rude, not even good in the sack....

But that's my viewpoint, you are obviously missing him, or some aspects of him that were positive. I think because it came on top of a nasty divorce, it has been a another blow to your confidence and your self esteem.

Find someone else who deserves your love and attention, it is not this man, he's not worth pining over, go out with your friends or family and put him out of your mind. Don't waste your time obsessing over this man that nothing was ever good enough for anyway. You are far too good for him. Xx

Yey! choccy I'm glad it all went well for you, KOKO babe, xx

Ah thanks Hobbitwife! I think my friends would probably agree with everything you said! And actually my head KNOWS that you are right, but for some reason my heart is playing catch up & doesn't want to listen :/. You are right about my esteem though. I just feel worthless sometimes, even tho I know my kids, parents & friends love me to bits. I'm also not working after going back to uni & getting PGCE. This is also really getting me down. I feel like I've gone from everything to nothing in the last two years. But hey, I know I will get through it. As you say KOKO! Xxxx thank you

Thanks Hobbit, I have actually read through most of the threads by now! And I do know that things will get better and I may well be content - i just don't feel that that is possible from where I am at the moment. Shouldknow I feel like you I think - I am pining and yet I know it's over; I can't trust him and he doesn't love me (or not in right way) and this is the right thing to do - but oh my goodness it hurts.

And I do gain strength and joy from the children - though I do wonder if a kind of empty nestiness is contributing to the feelings of woe and inertia and hopelessness. Helping them into their new flats and new lives is maybe throwing my moving into a sad little bedsit even worse. And although I am pleased with my new position, it is not the direction I ideally wanted, but is going to dictate the rest of my working life, so there is that to come to terms with as well.

God I sound like a pathetic whiner with the old "my life's not the perfection I WANT it to be!" I only have to turn on the news to see that I am privileged to only have this problem. But...but.

choccy how great that you had a good time, and good luck with the house - it's very stressful isn't it!

Hi happy, thanks for understanding & actually I feel like you too, in that I know in the grand scheme of things my problems are NOT that bad. I have a home, two beautiful kids whom I ADORE & parents who sacrificed so much for us when my marriage broke up... But, but... I just wish I could erase him out of my head & stop bloody pining for him. With my sane head on I know I'll be fine & may even find someone else. But sadly my default thinking is to keep thinking & thinking about him, us, what we did, where we went. I'm stuck in this horrible rut & can't seem to get myself out of it. Bloody hell, I'm 43 yrs old & really should know better (hence username...!) x

Yes, "with my sane head on"...I'd love to know where I've mislaid that head

happy my sweetheart, no-ones life is as shiny and perfect as it seems, it's a Facebook fallacy. You're just finding it tough at the moment, but shit, who wouldn't ? Just acknowledge that you are in a bit of an emotional dip now with everything that has happened, and you will come back up again.

This time last year my life as I knew it came crashing down around my ears , a 28 year relationship gone, and I was to move on and accept it like it was a teenage crush that was over in a flash. I've been on my knees in utter despair, that the person I trusted the most could treat me this way.

But now I'm stronger, I'm wiser, and I'm finding my feet again, just as you will. Gather your support around you, post on MN, I've found such friendship and good advice from people who have been through the same thing and have come out the other side. Total strangers on the internet were more support than some of my own family. You don't have to compare yourself to anyone going through a worse situation than you, we all know of people who are dealing with terrible problems. But they are our experiences, and we have to realise it's not a competition, it's still so hard this shit. Xx

Thanks Hobbit x

Hobbit - 28 years, wow, that must've been horrendous for you. How did you manage? Do you have any children who've supported you? You have done so well. By the way, jess is gorgeous. My mums dog keeps me going sometimes. She is always so happy to see me & is so huge she can even give me a hug when she jumps onto her hind legs :). If only men were as dependable as dogs...!

Hi everyone

As Hobbit has just said , this is just so hard & from the moment we are dropped into this horrible life we never imagined, everything we have to endure I am afraid is just that - we have to endure it because we simply cannot avoid it, we cannot fast forward past it, but endure it, some earlier threads said we cannot go around it.

I posted earlier this year my boss had been left with a 3yo baby when her ExH walked out. She has been a great support & just says one day you just get there, but you don't know when, you have some awful days when everything seems awful, eg how about the day in January when aerial feel off roof, dog knocked tooth out and heating played up . FFS ! Things like that never, ever bothered me but crikey in January , it felt like the end of the world, it did, how much more s**t could God throw at me ?

BUt my best friend said at the time , look at what you can fix , the aerial , the tooth , but because we are so hurt emotionally without our supposed "partner" , these trivial things seem insurmountable ( quite pleased with that choice of word ) . But something I learnt to do was to always, always, in my darkest days ( read my posts , I have had some , and I don't even think mine were as bad as some , as my son is 24 ) , I tried to reframe things, its like mindfulness ( some may like it some may not ) but I just focussed on the good . My tears came still, but I never really noticed when they stopped. Now I cry still, but it isn't often .

I hope that those who are having a few bad days and it seems so shit you will never come through it, YOU WILL, ... I am single now , I am divorced , my wife left me for another man . But as WWK said I have morals, I am a good person , but as you are so long part of a couple you forget about yourself and I am having to learn to like myself and I don't think I am that bad really.

9 months ago today she walked into our family home & demanded half of everything and I was floored and heartbroken . My outlook is that if I can pick myself up from that and offer support now I must be a good person and that makes me feel better.

BUt I hope that my waffling takes your minds off our shit journey if just for a while. Everyone on here is talking from experience so although we're not experts, we are your friends and we're hear to listen . This shit is hard. BUt we're in it together.

KOKO . x.

That's a lovely post , drifted you are a lovely fella. :)

I got through it should my love with the help of my sons, aged 24 and 20, my brother, and my friends, and also the advice and support I received on MN. I say go through it, I'm still going through it, just got to get the consent order signed off and then I can apply for my absolute. I will then be a divorced person, just like drifted

Until you have been through this horrible process you don't really understand what it means to go through abandonment and divorce. Speaking< virtually and actually> to other people who understand is very important in the healing process. I thought I was weak and foolish < because my ex told me so> that I hadn't skipped on to a new life quickly, just like he had. Obviously, he had rather a head start on disengaging himself, and I was lagging behind in the shiny new life stakes.

It was made worse in my case because she was someone I thought was a friend, and they then moved in together only a short distance away in our small village. The support I received on this board was fundamental in helping me realise that unfortunately I wasn't alone, many people have experienced it and it wasn't my fault. It was his failure not mine.
Jess is our mascot, she puts up with me putting her in silly hats and situations, KOKO everyone.

It will get better, slowly. I thought everything was useless two years ago when my husband of thirty years left to be with OW of six years. They are now v happy with their new baby etc etc. The finances are just awful and I am beside myself with worry. My health is bad and my job uncertain, mainly because I can't do it. But I don't cry everyday, I sometimes laugh, I am doing a little but to improve health. Not divorced yet which is holding things back but overall life is better. Not yet good, but better.

The self confidence/self esteem issues are hard, the loss of an identity is hard, the finding out who you are is hard, so much is hard. But, it will get easier, perhaps only a little but it will. X

What on earth possesses a twat to call unannounced on his still wife's birthday to present her with gifts? Leaving work early, arriving back at the cocklodging abode at 8.45pm? It's a bit late to start discussing old times, quite frankly. And I certainly don't expect to have to dodge the advances of a cheating stbxh. It's good to know he seems so bitter about his hasty decision to jump ship. Well, if he can leave a relationship of 30 plus years and his two sons, I'm sure it won't be a problem moving on from someone whose shared history consists of nothing more than lies and destruction. Oh and mental health issues. My sons made it crystal clear to him that they would never have anything to do with the bitch who destroyed the marriage but that they would happily accept a different partner. Nutty Nora needs to watch out. I foresee another faux nervous breakdown on the horizon

izzie my love, I don't understand why he would do that either, but who can fathom the way these idiotic men's mind's work!

Hope you are ok, and moving forward with your petition, xx

Finally got confirmation from the stbxh that he left for an OW. There've been so many lies and cover ups and I suspected it - was surprised how much of a punch in the stomach it was to hear it's true.
I don't want the kids to have anything to do with the cow that wrecked my family and made my life what it is. I presume though, there's no choice really, going to have to learn to deal with it like all the other shit he's given me. Makes me wonder what the hell I've done for someone I thought loved me to keep handing out crap to deal with. And all the while still having to stay neutral for the DC's. He really doesn't know he's born.
Rant over....
On a lighter note, of. To a cheesy 80's party night tonight:-)
Koko everyone xx