BF using tinder to message both men/women

[upsidedownsmile]

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

I've said the prejudices they are based on are wrong. Which is different.

Smilla - Yes I do think genitals and other body characteristics are important in sex.

Why do you think a bisexual man would be more likely to want to do anal sex to you than a straight man?

Really? Genitals should not be a key part of someone's sexual experience?

Choice of genitals does not need to be the key part of someone's sexual experience. Did you phrase that badly by accident or were you being disingenuous?

And especially why would you think a bisexual man would be more likely to want to do any sex act to you that you were uncomfortable with?

Choice of genitals does not need to be the key part of someone's sexual experience. Did you phrase that badly by accident or were you being disingenuous?

I quoted you, so the 'bad' phrasing was not mine.

I quoted you, so the 'bad' phrasing was not mine.

Straight-up lying, now, are we?

You must have a really fucking two-dimensional view of sex if you think which particular genitals are involved is so key to the outcome or experience

You did say that?

"If a straight man enjoyed receiving anal sex from a woman you wouldn't assume he was gay/bisexual would you? Surely you'd just conclude he enjoyed that particular sex act."

You seem to be confusing my desire not to sleep with bisexual men with complete stupidity over basic concepts. We aren't talking about sexual acts, but sexuality.

And no I don't know somebody is bisexual unless they tell me so. I also don't know if they're left or right wing or if they watch porn or if they are religious or if they're monogamous or if they want children or anything about their past or their views or their preferences. There are many reasons why I could or couldn't be in a sexual relationship with somebody because, for me, a sexual relationship is part of a commitment. I don't sleep with people I don't happen to be in love with or plan on spending a significant proportion of my life with. I absolutely am allowed to have these preferences. I don't have to choose my sexual/life partners based solely on what I can see or what is immediately apparent about their lives.

In fact, I've never said there's any great difference between straight and bisexual man apart from their potential sexual preferences. What is different - and rightly so - is whether or not I would choose a sexual relationship with them. Again, not about them, about me.

You did say that?

Yes. Did you misunderstand it, or are you going to claim your copy paste keys are badly malfunctioning?

If you said it, I guess my copy/paste is spot on?

No-one is saying you aren't allowed to choose your sexual partners.

What I'm saying is, if you wouldn't know unless you were told (at which point you'd apply your judgement) how can it be an important factor? People who have certain ethics don't generally need to tell other people what their ethics are, it becomes apparent overtime. You could, however, be with a bisexual man for a lifetime and never know or be affected by it because whether they are attracted to other people (male or female) is entirely irrelevant to your monogamous relationship with them.

I dont Offred. I am bisexual. My straight identifying friend / ex that im having sex with has had gay sex.

My point was, as a bisexual person who is repulsed by some sex acts to the point where it would exclude a straight guy from being a partner, i can understand why a straight person would go "that type of sex turns me off, and knowing my boyfriend has had gay sex affects my sexual attraction to him", and i dont judge them for that or think its homophobic.

My own issue isnt even about the thought that someone would want to pentrate me anally, because i know that in a relationship you often set aside certain sex acts / positions based on the fact they arent shared interests. Its the thought of knowing my partner was sexually excited by anally penetrating a woman that would turn me off.
Curiously, im not actually so bothered by the thought of them enjoying penetrating another man.

Simply, that when I build the foundations of a relationship, to me it matters that the sexual foundations are built upon a shared frame of reference.

This is the most pretentious twaddle I've read today, well done. Have some quinoa.

If you said it, I guess my copy/paste is spot on?

You didn't copy and paste the post I responded to, you paraphrased in a way that misrepresented what I said. Again, is this idiocy or disingenuousness?

Your reason for not wanting to be with a bisexual man is that you assume they would be part of a different culture to you and also that you assume they would bring their past sexual relationships into your current relationship or their attractions into your current relationship. Those are all assumptions you make about bisexual people. Bisexual people aren't necessarily from a different culture, they may not necessarily ever have even been with a person of the same sex, they are not necessarily people who bring past relationships or other attractions into their relationship with you and heterosexual men are not immune from any of those things.

It would be like saying I only ever want to be with bisexual men because straight men are part of heterosexual culture which is responsible for abuse of women etc.

"And especially why would you think a bisexual man would be more likely to want to do any sex act to you that you were uncomfortable with?"

Perhaps my phrasing was ambiguous, but while i typed my above post you posted this, which i consider to be rather inflammatory. I dont think my post indicated that i think that at all, and i can only assume you are keen to start an argument because i dont agree with you.

I pick option C.

So do you think it's fucking two dimensional for the choice of a partner's genitals to be a key part of someone's sexual experience?

Rape victims who conclude all men are dangerous are still prejudiced even if it is understandable prejudice gin.

"This is the most pretentious twaddle I've read today, well done. Have some quinoa"

pocket

No gin, I don't understand why you seem to be saying bisexual men want to anally penetrate women...

"Offred

Rape victims who conclude all men are dangerous are still prejudiced even if it is understandable prejudice gin."

Could you explain what this is supposed to mean please? Is this a general observation of yours or are you addressing this specifically at me for a particular reason?

And if you aren't saying that then I'm not sure why you said it at all.

pocketsaviour, that was absolutely horrible. I'm not trying to be pretentious. Nor am I a quinoa-eating, earnest twat. I'm trying to explain my fucking life to people. Several people on here are saying that I'm prejudiced, I think gay sex is icky, I'm somehow biphobic. I was just trying to explain why not wanting to have sex with bisexual men was nothing to do with any of the other assertions made against me and other people who shave this pov.

It's actually quite upsetting to be roundly criticised for a fundamental part of who you are and how you live. And to be called pretentious for trying to explain it is doubly upsetting.

Offred, I don't think I can explain it again. No I don't know if somebody is bisexual unless they tell me. Or maybe I do. I might have a conversation with somebody about what we were up to the 90s and I might say 'I had a massive crush on Leo Sayer' and they might say 'oh God me too'. Dependent upon other stuff said in the same conversation or based on my developing relationship with them, I might strongly suspect they are bisexual. Same way as they might mention how they feel about certain things politically and I can draw conclusions. So, maybe bisexuality does become apparent without being explicitly stated. Maybe it doesn't. The point is, to me it's important. Before forming a sexual relationship with somebody, there are fundamental things which have to be true about them. I'm not discriminating against them. Unless discrimination takes the form of me not allowing them to have sex with me but then I was under the impression that the choice was my own.

It's a general observation and a point to you. If you don't want to have anal sex that's surely an issue you have with anal sex rather than an issue with bisexual men. If a rape victim thinks all men are potential rapists that's an issue really that they have with rapists, not with men, who clearly are not all rapists.