BF using tinder to message both men/women

[upsidedownsmile]

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

Just like to weigh in here and say I'm bi and don't think you're being prejudice at all, everyone has the right to choose whom they date and use whatever criteria they like. Some people prefer brunettes for example, it doesn't mean they are prejudice against people with other hair colours! People are just being overly PC and think they're above others, they are not!
Also, the fact that he's been with men before should have been the biggest indicator he's bi, yoy don't just decide to be straight or whatever. You probably should have thought about this beforehand. The tinder thing wouldn't bother me 6 weeks into a relationship. However, he has lied which is the biggest ussue imo. If you don't want to be with a liar probably break it off now.
Go find yourself someone honest

But I'd have thought that being sexually attracted to more than one gender would make it more likely that you'd be more suited to a non-monogamous lifestyle (i.e. one of each gender). Which is fine if all parties are ok with that, but I wouldn't want to be involved. As you say, I'd be the same with a non-monogamous man (indeed I dumped a straight ex for just that).

But being bisexual isn't about being attracted to all men and all women and having sex with both to be happy anymore than being a straight woman is about being attracted to all men and wanting to have sex with as many as you can all at once. Some people of any orientation feel having sex with multiple partners is what they want. Being bi is simply being attracted to both men and women often that just means being unconcerned about the gender of the person you are with. It is not about choosing to be with men or women or multiple partners it is about attraction. All people have attraction, being attracted to women doesn't mean being attracted to all women, being a straight man doesn't mean you don't enjoy being fucked in the ass.

sorry i have not read the full thread but being bi does make you less attractive as a long term partner my friend had it because of the myth that "its not cheating if your with a man and you have sex with a woman or vice versa" and as a woman how do you feel if your compared to a man sexually? its the endless extra questions that people ask with a totally straight person or a totally gay person you know where you are if you're with someone who is bi you dont they "seem" to be confused about what they want so how can you have a relationship with someone who doesnt know what they want

it may be they are totally happy with there life choices however if you are not you shouldn't be with them

f he (let's pick a gender) says: I like both men and women but I will restrict myself to women in general and to you in particular forevermore, then my response would be to feel guilty, because my partner would be deliberately closing off a part of themselves for my sake.

Do you know how fucking insulting it is to bisexual people to insinuate that they're less capable of being happy with and faithful to one person than anyone else? Do you have any idea how ignorant and offensive you're being?

This isn't something where you can just use your imagination about what you think bisexual people might be like, and thus it is. These are real people and you are being incredibly ignorant about all of them.

Do you go around imagining the lifestyle choices of e.g. Sri Lankans and pretending that you imagining it to be a certain way makes it actually true of them?

Smilla - Except Offred is saying that bi women would be restricting and suppressing their sexuality if they only chose to be with women.

And yes, being attracted to both means it is easier to repress your sexuality because you are only repressing a part of it but I'm mystified as to why you think it is acceptable to expect anyone to repress their sexuality. It's no more acceptable than expecting gay men enter heterosexual marriages, it's just less likely to cause a real and tangible problem for the partner.

No I don't, smilla, because that would be silly.

I honestly don't think that my statement is ignorant and offensive, but you clearly do so I'll just leave the conversation now as we probably won't agree.

if you're with someone who is bi you dont they "seem" to be confused about what they want so how can you have a relationship with someone who doesnt know what they want

Is a functioning penis all you 'want' in a life partner? And once you've got it, job done? Nothing else that drew you to your partner?

No? Then why the fuck do you think genitals matter any more to bisexuals than they do to you?

Chicken - it's other people who are generally confused about what being bi means IMO.

Smilla - Except Offred is saying that bi women would be restricting and suppressing their sexuality if they only chose to be with women.

Well yes, because if they weren't doing that they would be lesbians wouldn't they?

Smilla - Except Offred is saying that bi women would be restricting and suppressing their sexuality if they only chose to be with women.

In that case I think you are (possibly deliberately) misunderstanding Offred. Her posts are a response to you suggesting that bisexuals are a less good choice for partners unless they have actively chosen to only ever sleep with people of one sex. I am not seeing any post of hers that suggests she is saying bisexual people are incapable of settling down in a monogamous relationship, and thus excluding one sex for the foreseeable future.

I can't understand how you don't see that telling bisexual people they should choose (thereby accepting that they are attracted to both) isn't saying they should repress their sexuality?

No, some people enjoy, seek and are happy with monogamy. Some people aren't. Anyone who uses bisexuality as a reason for cheating is a twat not a representative of the bisexual embassy. They don't get special treatment for being a bisexual twat anymore than men who claim they cheat because they are men get special treatment.

I'm not confused about what I want chicken. I want a loving, passionate, loyal relationship. Difference is I don't care what gender that person comes in.

What you are saying caryam is that some lesbians use feminism to justify the oppressive idea that bisexual women who have ever or will ever have a relationship with a man (thereby meaning they are demonstrating that they are bisexual rather than lesbian to others) should be rightfully judged and discriminated against by lesbians, not just in their own sexual relationships as a lesbian, but within the feminist movement. That lesbian feminism is the best kind of feminism and that feminists who are not lesbians are not real feminists and feminists who are lesbians are all lesbian feminists and therefore real feminists. There is nothing 'common sense' about it. It is simply 'I think what I am is better than what everyone else is'.

I'm a monogamous bisexual. Being with a man does not repress me sexually. Being with a woman does not repress me sexually. Hope that helps.

Why would a bi person having a life partner mean they were repressing part of their sexuality?
Do people worry about straight people repressing their sexuality when they choose a single partner to be with forever?
There are so many sexual options, that wether you are straight, gay, bi, pan, curious, flexible, whatever, you will when you meet you life partner be closing the door on some of those options. Wether its never having sex with a ginger guy again, or never having anal again, or never doing any bdsm stuff, there will be something you cant do. I dont think bisexual people suffer from this any more than anyone else.

I also dont think its repressing or denying your sexuality to be bi, but choose to only have partners of one sex. Nor do i think that you can sweepingly say that that choice is made due to prejudices about what it would mean to explore the other side of your bisexuality.

No lois but if someone told you you should only ever be with one or the other because they believed bisexual people were xyz that would be an attempt to encourage you to repress your sexuality wouldn't it?

It is not about being in a monogamous relationship being oppressive to a bisexual person.

It is about someone telling a bisexual person that they must choose one side or the other.

I can't imagine being in that situation Offred - although I did used to know some lesbian separatist feminists back in the day, and they were quite fierce about shit like that. But because it's NO-ONE'S FUCKING BUSINESS what I do with my genitals I would just laugh at them.

I would never date a bisexual man. This is nothing to do with prejudice, but is slightly more complicated than mere preference. I will attempt to explain if you're interested but I suspect as you've so absolutely decided that this assertion can only come from prejudice, you won't accept what I'm going to explain (really badly btw, it's difficult to express).

To be in a relationship with somebody (and to clarify now, for me a sexual relationship involves monogamy and commitment), I share something with them that I share with no other person. I share sex, including my own desires, preferences and benchmarks. For me, as a heterosexual woman, that sex is heterosexual, I bring only heterosexual desire, history, frames of reference etc. The desires, preferences and possibilities within my sex life are 100% heterosexual. To be in a sexual relationship with somebody, it matters to me that what they bring to the relationship is heterosexuality. Bisexuality, necessarily encompasses sexual desire for the same sex and there is simply no room for this in my relationships. Again, this is not an implication that bisexuality has any absolute tangible effect on a relationship between a man and a woman. I'm not saying the bisexual partner necessarily actively shoehorns the same sex side of their preferences into all and any relationships. No. Simply, that when I build the foundations of a relationship, to me it matters that the sexual foundations are built upon a shared frame of reference. Of course there is no difference in fidelity and commitment due to sexuality but that intrinsic preference is there and it simply does not provide the foundation for a relationship I want to be in.

It isn't about bisexuality, prejudice or any opinions about what it means to be bisexual. My SILs (married women, both 100% gay) share this opinion. It's not a fear, a prejudice or a judgement. They simply wish to share this fundamental thing about themselves with their life partner.

It isn't about other people, it's about me and what I need from a relationship. Outside of my own sexual relationships, I have no opinion whatsoever about bisexuality.

My sexuality is a fundamental, immutable part of my core. It's important to me that it is reflected in my sexual partner. Compatibility in a sexual relationship does depend on this shared perspective. It isn't a judgement or a prejudiced view of others, it's an acknowledgment of who I am.

You can't deny that sometimes people's prejudices about bisexuality result in repression of bisexual sexuality (not talking about a supposed desire for non-monogamy mind) whether that is through shaping their choices about how to express their sexuality based on how they will be perceived or because they were raised with internalised beliefs about bisexuality not existing or being negative in some way.

That just happens and no a bisexual person being in a monogamous relationship is absolutely nothing to do with repression because bisexual people are not inherently non-monogamous.

And you have decided that all people who do not want to have sex or a relationship with a bisexual person must therefore believe one or more of those things? There is no other possible reason for their preference other than prejudice?

Well put.

The fact that I can't get a meeting of minds with somebody for certain activities/beliefs/political affiliations would rule them out as a sexual partner. That's not to say I'm predudiced and want to impose my views on everyone else or think they aren't great people to have non sexual relationships with.

So what does everyone else see as being the difference between preference and predudiced because I think that's the sticking point here.

Offred, you keep making so many assumptions about what I am saying. I think you have decided anyone who does not want to date or partner with someone bisexual is prejudiced, and so you aren't interested in what anyone is actually saying.