BF using tinder to message both men/women

[upsidedownsmile]

Never posted before and this is going to be a long post so please be nice (but honest)

Two and a half years ago I met a guy and thought he was gay. He told me he was straight and explained about his past (which I feel I can't really go into) and explained it was firmly in the past and that he was straight. We got together and had a good relationship, but it was immature and we argued over silly things. We never broke up officially but he just cut me off and stopped speaking to me so I soon got the message. I went away to uni for the year and we met up and talked about what happened and got some closure.

About 6 weeks ago we met up again and had a series of serious conversations which helped us move on from things that were problematic for us in the past. Also, I think the time apart allowed us to grow up and we're no longer annoyed by the same petty things we were.

Everything was going really well, until a gay friend of mine found him on tinder. I've confronted him about it and he says he made the account when we weren't together and made it because he was lonely. I can't seem to get over the fact that he was a) using tinder and b) using it to find a guy. (Although he says he wasn't exclusively looking for a guy) There are other things that suggest to me he is attracted to men, his social media accounts seem to infer this all the time.

He has said he wants to work it out and sort it but I don't feel I can. I feel he lied to me about his sexuality because if he was looking for a man then he is either gay or bi-sexual. I have no problem with gay, or bi people, I have many friends who are and have never thought anything of it. However I know that I can't be with someone who is bi, especially in this situation where sexual activity with a man has previously taken place.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for. But I would appreciate hearing people's advice/opinions on it

Bisexuality doesn't necessarily encompass sexual desire for the same sex. It often just means you find gender irrelevant in sexual relationships. I don't agree with the premise that you don't bring heterosexual culture to a relationship if you aren't straight, heterosexual culture is the majority culture and it affects everyone. If you have never been with someone bisexual you wouldn't know what it was like. Tbh I think it is just another way of dressing up 'gay sex is icky'. People who over share about their past partners are generally considered a bit worrying. I don't know how you would know the difference between a straight man and a bisexual man unless you were told about sexuality either. IME it is usually non-bisexual partners who have hang ups about what bisexuality means.

The idea that the sex of your partner is irrelevant when having sex, is naive at the least.

But a difference in ethics is in itself and incompatibility. Unless you confer characteristics other than simply being attracted to both men and women on bisexual people I can't see why it would even be relevant.

So bisexual people are allowed to only be sexually attracted to one sex, but everyone else is prejudiced if they won't have sex with someone who is bi because they ate bi?

The idea that the gender of your partner is irrelevant is not the same thing. Different people do sex differently. Every relationship I've ever been in has been different because different people enjoy different types of sex acts and have different types of sexual abilities/desires. Your body is still the same no matter what gender your partner is.

Yes caryam. What makes you think people have a right to tell other people what sexuality they should be or express?

My body is the same, the body of my partner isn't. Sex involves both of your bodies.

The fact that I can't get a meeting of minds with somebody for certain activities/beliefs/political affiliations would rule them out as a sexual partner.

Does one option from the entire possible range of sexual activities really feature as highly on your list of important shared interests as political affiliation? I have difficult seeing eye to eye with Tories, because it tells me a lot about their priorities and beliefs. I'm not all that sure what a man being open to being on the receiving end of anal sex really tells me about him as an individual...?

Different people do sex differently.

Yes. Yes they do.

Of course you can be bisexual, and have sex with women and men. But of course the sex will and everything else will be different based on the sex of your partner.

It does yes. But some people just don't place importance on the type of body someone else has. Some people just don't feel that is important to their sexual satisfaction.

No it doesn't. My point was that sex acts arent important in the same way as shares ethics precisely because they tell you nothing about someone other than they like that sex act.

Offred, I knew you wouldn't understand. If you're determined to tell me I think 'gay sex is icky' then that's fine. It's categorically untrue and you're being offensive but I can see I won't change your mind.

"Bisexuality doesn't necessarily encompass sexual desire for the same sex. It often just means you find gender irrelevant in sexual relationships"

Yes that's fine. However, gender (sex and sexuality too) are relevant to me and it's important that it's relevant to my sexual partners. I'm not attempting to define bisexual people. I'm attempting to define my own preferences.

Plus, I didn't say you couldn't bring heterosexual culture to a relationship if you're bisexual. You can't bring your own immutable heterosexuality though and that's my sticking point.

I also wasn't talking about people over-sharing re past partners. I acknowledged this in my first post. It's not about sharing past experiences, it's about the framework of my own sexuality and its fundamental existence.

And, no, I don't know people are bisexual unless they tell me. I don't know anything about them unless they tell me. Isn't that true of every benchmark we have? It's learning about people which lets me develop a relationship with them. With some people the potential for sexual attraction will develop, with some it won't and it's based on getting to know that person.

Bisexuality by its very definition encompasses sexual desire for the same sex. If you only had sexual desire for one sex then youd be gay or straight.
I get what you mean about it being irrelevant, in that you arent choosing based on sex, but you couldnt do that if you werent open to same sex sex, as well as straight sex.

My body is the same, the body of my partner isn't. Sex involves both of your bodies.

You must have a really fucking two-dimensional view of sex if you think which particular genitals are involved is so key to the outcome or experience.

Sex will be different with a different partner full stop. To some people the body of the person matters, to some people it doesn't.

Anyone is free to define their own preferences in anyway they want. Prejudiced or not. Trivial or important. It is extremely important that people are not pressured into sex they do not want.

It doesn't mean sexual preferences (rather than sexuality) are never based on homophobia, biphobia or prejudice of any kind.

You must have a really fucking two-dimensional view of sex if you think which particular genitals are involved is so key to the outcome or experience

Really? Genitals should not be a key part of someone's sexual experience?

Certain sex acts can tell me something about somebody other than them liking that sex act.

If a man likes to receive anal sex from another man, I deduce that he is most likely not heterosexual. This isn't a judgement. There's no value added to this. It's simply fact.

I choose to have relationships with heterosexual men. Not 'I choose to be prejudiced towards non-heterosexual men'. Simply, I choose to conduct my sexual relationships with heterosexual men.

Saul - if the difference between bisexual men and straight men was so great you wouldn't need to be told. Fact is that you wouldn't know if a man you had been with was bisexual or straight unless you were told or knew about all his past and future relationships. If you wouldn't know unless you were told then it can't be important can it someone's sexuality, what's important is what you think about the person and what you think being bisexual means - I.e. Not sharing heterosexual culture etc

Stoic - people who find genitals important don't get to tell people who don't that their feelings are irrelevant, confusing, made up, naive or wrong.

Stoic - people who find genitals important don't get to tell people who don't that their feelings are irrelevant, confusing, made up, naive or wrong.

Indeed. And vice versa.

If a straight man enjoyed receiving anal sex from a woman you wouldn't assume he was gay/bisexual would you? Surely you'd just conclude he enjoyed that particular sex act.

Of course some sexual preferences are based on homophobia, biphobia or prejudice.

You just don't get to tell all people how they feel based on your own opinions.

"My point was that sex acts arent important in the same way as shares ethics precisely because they tell you nothing about someone other than they like that sex act"

Its VERY important to me that my partners arent into anal, specifically penetrating, rather than being penetrated. Not just happy to not do it, they have to actively dislike it. I cannot cope with the thought of it ever coming up as their fantasy/ something they want to re-explore. I couldnt be naked with that person. So the sort of sex acts enjoyed by a person.can be very important to their partners. Which is why im quite ok with people not wanting to fuck a bisexual person based on "gay sex is icky". Im happy with that justification. "Bi people are all whores" not so much, but hating the thought of your partner having gay sex? No problem with that.