Happily single and no threat to your man so why do you fear me?

[notrocketscience]

Reading another poster on the difficulties of a single woman mixing with men through mutual interests; rambling, sport, photography, studying, evening classes...
It got me wondering, and I've suffered from this most of my life as my interests do not include spas and shopping or TV soaps. I like men and have had serious relationships but I also like them as friends. I'm currently a very happy single mother and with no intention of starting another relationship. I'm not a cheater and will not encourage any taken man. Yet other women do see me as a threat and it hurts because I'm really not and it does impact on my very limited social life. Is being a single woman such a bad thing that everyone automatically thinks I must be hanging out for the first man to offer me a quick one? (And don't get me started on the number of mm friends of the Ex who thought exactly that).

I get where you're coming from OP although you worded it poorly in your OP.

I was a single Mum. Still am in reality but I do have a boyfriend and have done for 8 months. Don't live together but gradually spending more and more time together, Thurs-Sun he generally stays with me and DD. I have male friends and when I was with ExH their other halfs were fine with it but around 2 years into me being single a few of the girlfriends started having a bit of an issue with me. I found it so bizarre. I was not interested in their partners. I had been friends with all of them before they knew them so if I had been interested surely I would have put the moves on them when they were single?!

Since I've started seeing my boyfriend they have relaxed. I don't and didn't see them any more or less than before but for some reason they seemed to think I must have developed feelings for their OHs.

I have to admit, I was similar to you. Really bad relationship, found I didn't actually want to get close to someone and definitely was not interested in anyone becoming involved with my DD. When I met my boyfriend that changed, it took time but it did change. I can empathize with the loneliness, it's hard when you don't have anyone else to take the kids, even for just an hour or two nevermind EOW or suchlike.

FWIW my boyfriend has a ton of female friends. The one's I have met all seem lovely and I don't for one second think they are interested in him in any other way than platonic. If they are... Meh, I trust him and I would think he would tell me. I have male friends and he doesn't bother either. If you have met any men that are friendly and you get on with continue the friendship, try and include their partners whenever you have plans to allow them to get to know you and you them. Have you considered joining a group activity in something you like? Sometimes people don't mind so much when it's a group thing.

Most of my friends are like me. Most men/women that are secure in their relationship don't mind opposite sex friendships. If they do, don't take it personally. It's probably not you and more that there may be other problems.

Vile comment Enough.

Similar history, op. Well done us both for surviving . ok to talk about it here as we're in relationships (take note enough) and you are completely anonymous - though if you'd uncomfortable about it that's fine too. To get it deleted press the report button and state your case - you'll have to say why - too much personal info that could identify you (tho it won't: sadly our stories are all to familiar ).

Like you I had been through hell, then the pure bliss of being freeeee. I was a wounded bird, needed to keep my head down and heal - and enjoy myself! Being treated so suspiciously by those women was hard to take. I felt to beleaguered.

Just the fact one exists as a single woman appears to invite suspicion. This has been my resounding experience.

I agree with this. Just because some women and men are OK with single women hanging out with them, their husbands and partners (including married women posting here saying "not an issue), doesn't mean everyone is!

Lots of women in couples are subconciously or conciously beaming out a "stay away from my man" and "stay out of my social circle" vibe towards single women in general - even where there is no sexual attraction w the man and/or the partner is deeply hideous/nasty person. Sometimes it is laughable that a woman would seriously think anyone would go there with her partner.

Pretending that there aren't a lot of women who feel and act like this - whether or not there is any real risk - ignores day to day reality. The OP may have a personality issue or she may not. It's equally possible that she is an innocent victim of the "stay away vibe".

It really surprises me that even married women who are saying "I don't act like that" have a real reluctance to accept that many, many women in couples do behave like that without any reason at all - just because the woman is single.

Don't have it deleted, it's not too bad really - no one knows who you are and although it feels a little vulnerable now it won't feel so bad in a day or two.

You did ask, and I think you have to accept that it's something a lot of people feel strongly about and also something that many people have had bad experiences with.

Chin up

Thank you. :) I wish I had written the OP less clumsily. I knew what I meant but I can see how stupidly I put it across.

I suppose I was identifying with "j", the possible threat in the Rambling thread. Just because she is a divorced woman and the OP's man had gone rambling with her, most of us (myself included) assumed there was "something going on". Perhaps the truth is she is just trying to rebuild a life for herself.

Sad isn't it that our prejudices run so deep. To paraphrase Jane Austin; "It is a fact universally acknowledged, that every single woman must be in want of a man..." (Sorry Austin fans).

TBH I'm ashamed that I automatically believed the worst.

I think we all have judgement in us. I wouldn't stress about it, everyone has the capacity to read a situation wrong. Sometimes the worst is also true, we all know that.

I've been flamed a few times on threads for suggesting the OP may be a tad paranoid and for saying women and men can be friends with no underhand motives.

OP I also read the camping thread. Neither my DH or I would go away camping or in any other circumstances overnight with someone of the opposite sex. This isn't to do with a lack of trust towards each other, rather that we prefer to have certain boundaries in place in our marriage.
No slight on any single women, I wouldn't be going camping with any single male friends either.

Appears from that the camping thread - which raised interesting issues - has been deleted on very tenuous "protecting privacy" grounds!!

Was that the camping thread about using the WIFI and driving there in a car? Is this the same OP?

No it is not the same OP. :)

Are you quite a bubbly and flirty person OP?

I've experienced several extremely awkward occasions where the partner of one of my male friends makes it very publicly known that she thinks I'm after her man or he after me. I'm very outgoing and am this way with everyone, no exception. If they knew me, they'd not be worried in the slightest. I'm not interested in any of my friends in that way, and even if I were, I'd not do that to someones relationship.

Funnily enough, it hasn't happened since being with my boyfriend. So you may be on to something.

I suppose I was identifying with "j", the possible threat in the Rambling thread. Just because she is a divorced woman and the OP's man had gone rambling with her, most of us (myself included) assumed there was "something going on". Perhaps the truth is she is just trying to rebuild a life for herself.

It's absolutely fair enough to question these assumptions. But couples are allowed to have boundaries for their relationship. They're not obliged to consider other people's feelings when they determine what is right for their relationship.

It's not a reflection on you personally, or on single women in general.

Me and my oh are like this. We wouldn't be alone with the opposite sex but in a public setting it's fine as long as no one is blatantly flirting. I haven't met all my ohs female friends yet though i don't feel i need to as they are work mates and he doesn't seem them often anyway.

I was accused ages ago by a jealous girlfriend of one of one of my now ex male friends who ruined our friendship and spread a bunch of lies about me just because ages ago her bf used to fancy me.
There was also a time in my previous job in which a male colleague kept asking me for hugs and flirting. I thought he was single (this is way before i met oh when i was single) I did like him in that way and then i found out he had a girl at our workplace and i told him to ease up on the hugs and stuff as i didn't want people to get the wrong idea. Next thing his girl confronts me saying to stay away from him and apparently i'd made a pass at him. So many women are quick to blame others before their ohs and it grates on me.

i do think it's sad some women find the need to say they aren't a threat. My ohs ex said this to me and i belted her one..If a women says out loud she isn't a threat in my eyes she intends on being one why else would she say it?

i get it a lot…... i do feel more comfortable around some men than with some women.

Yes i did as she was flirting with my man…..Because it's very classy being a slapper and coming onto a man when you're married and then to your ex whilst in a relationship. I don't let women get away with disrespecting me.

Ah. Totally justified then.

'It's just jealousy, most my friends are guys because i like their banter….the males have a similar sense of humour to me where as some of the women take things the wrong way…. i tend to laugh more around the males.'

careful now - that could be misconstrued as flirting…. wouldn't want to be a pot calling a kettle black now, would we? Someone might belt you for coming onto 'their' man and disrespecting them.

an example would be me sitting and watching dd at her swimming lesson chatting to another dad sat next to me. His wife is watching and eventually either puts herself physically between us or distracts him so he doesn't talk to me anymore.

But you've already said you object to other women pulling up a chair to sit near your boyfriend. You say she 'eventually' puts herself between you…maybe she thinks the 'banter' is going too far and you are flirting with her man and disrespecting her?

There is so much jealousy it's unreal. If people are going to jump to the conclusion that just because a women likes male company more than female that it is because she needs to be the centre of attention then that screams jealousy in my eyes. Men find me attractive, so what.

Okaaaaay…. I this happens a lot then I think you are perhaps giving off flirty vibes more than realise. Or will admit.

*I was use to the pub scene... I met men of various ages in my local as I did females and i only ever seemed to have issues with the women. As soon as they'd walk in the pub they'd be eyeing up some pretty girl ready for a fight and it made me uneasy so i'd sit with the blokes.

Yeah, you seem to have a lot of issues with women don't you? If they aren't wanting to fight you you seem to be wanting to fight them.

Me and my oh are like this. We wouldn't be alone with the opposite sex but in a public setting it's fine as long as no one is blatantly flirting.

I was accused ages ago by a jealous girlfriend of one of one of my now ex male friends who ruined our friendship and spread a bunch of lies about me just because ages ago her bf used to fancy me.

Next thing his girl confronts me saying to stay away from him and apparently i'd made a pass at him. So many women are quick to blame others before their ohs and it grates on me.

God, it must be exhausting being you. All this confronting going on all over the place.

Liver is totally batshit crazy, totally ignore her/it.

It's true enough that there are is a certain 'type' of woman who seems to thrive on being 'one of the boys' and says with an innocent bat of the eyelashes that they get on far better with men but it's all just a laugh etc, perfectly innocent blah blah and they can't possibly understand why other women need to feel threatened by it because although 'yes it's true, all these taken men do tend to find me devastatingly attractive which can sometimes be awkward, but rest assured I am just not interested in them in that way.'

We've all met one. And yet every other woman who knows her will be rolling their eyes and muttering 'there she goes again, holding court, tossing her hair, laughing like a drain at all their puerile jokes, never happier than when she thinks she'd got an audience of appreciative men eating out of the palm of her hand.'

But I'm not sure they necessarily see her as a threat. More of an irritant and a slightly desperate show off.

But I must point out that this is a very different thing to a woman just having a perfectly normal, sociable conversation with a man, or men. A very different thing indeed. A normal level of interaction without any flirty undertones or attention seeking behaviour tends to attract no attention from anyone.

I agree 100% with pagwatch' s first post.

When I was single I was never viewed as a threat, nor would I exclude single friends from any event I'm organising.

I would however distance myself from someone with your attitude towards fellow women.

Don't think that's always true it is. As I said I've had the same group of male friends for years. When with ExH the women were fine with me, even for around the first 2 years I was single. After that I must have been interested in one of them or else why wouldn't I have had a boyfriend by then. Almost 2 years after that I met my boyfriend and they all seem ok about their OHa hanging out with me again.

And these women often say things like 'Other women don't like me because men find me attractive and they are insecure so see me as a threat.'

When the truth is probably more simple than that. Other women don't like them because they big-headed attention seeking flirts with the subtlety of a brick and it gets irritating to be around.

Can't say I ever trotted out that line. Can't say I've ever heard any woman say that in RL.

CheersMedea has hit the nail on the head with her excellent post.

Its easy to fall into the trap of cosy couple-dom and to replace your old friends with new parent friends who fit better into playdates, kids holidays etc, especially once your children start school or if you become a SAHP.

I'd love to know the stats on how many couples have close single friends.
Are many posters (coupled up) going to hold their hand up and admit they have none and make less effort with single people than couples with children?

I don't think it's been said but it might have been...some women are actually afraid of other women and therefore feel more comfortable talking with men, it doesn't necessarily mean they are 'after' them.

I'm a bit like this. It isn't that I don't like women as a group - obviously some I do and some I don't, just like with men.

Feeling socially at ease and able to chat is a different thing though - I find it very scary if the person is female, and not so much if they are male.

This is total prejudice on my part - it's really deep seated and I think it comes from my experiences as a child growing up in a family where quite simply put, the men liked me and the women didn't.

I don't know why, my mum didn't like me from the start, she admits as much - and my dad did, and I never felt I was liked by my grandmothers or aunts and especially not by my sister. My Dad and both my grandfathers seemed to like me.

So I learned to think men would like me and women would not, and this carried over right into adulthood. It is still there now despite various experiences suggesting it's bollocks. I am still nervous of women, far more than I am nervous of men, but to some extent, I am nervous of both.

It has led to me talking with dads at school before now moreso than I would talk to mums - one particular dad I stood with for months at our old school, basically as a security blanket. I did get a bit attached to him but nothing ever happened and nor would I have wanted it to. He was married and I liked his wife a lot.

We just got on. And it wasn't easy feeling like I was somehow doing something wrong by chatting with him every day. I hope people didn't think anything of it but I expect they did.

When the truth is probably more simple than that. Other women don't like them because they big-headed attention seeking flirts with the subtlety of a brick and it gets irritating to be around.

Oh yes. It's always the fault of the nasty big-headed single woman who is flirting around.

As I said above, it amazes me that despite the numerous women posting that they have had experiences of being socially excluded when they are single by women with husbands/partners, that there is such a reluctance to accept that this does happen and for no good reason.

Just because you don't behave like that and didn't have that experience, doesn't mean that it doesn't happen to nice, normal, non-big-headed, non-flirty single women.

The fact that there is this insistance on denying this is a part of social culture and always assuming is the single woman's fault is part of the problem!