Happily single and no threat to your man so why do you fear me?

[notrocketscience]

Reading another poster on the difficulties of a single woman mixing with men through mutual interests; rambling, sport, photography, studying, evening classes...
It got me wondering, and I've suffered from this most of my life as my interests do not include spas and shopping or TV soaps. I like men and have had serious relationships but I also like them as friends. I'm currently a very happy single mother and with no intention of starting another relationship. I'm not a cheater and will not encourage any taken man. Yet other women do see me as a threat and it hurts because I'm really not and it does impact on my very limited social life. Is being a single woman such a bad thing that everyone automatically thinks I must be hanging out for the first man to offer me a quick one? (And don't get me started on the number of mm friends of the Ex who thought exactly that).

My female friends adore me they always come to me for advice. I have 3 genuine amazing female friends a loving fiancée and beautiful sister. That's all i need :)

OP reminds me of myself when I was about 17.

I was adamant I wasn't like all the other girls. I was a lads girl. Thought girls were bitchy and didn't like me. Used to write posts like 'omg why can't women just accept i have lad mates i don't want to shag um!'

Like I said above I grew up, went to uni and realised I'm not special, women aren't all bitchy and it was 1. me being stupid and thinking I was special and 2. me assuming all women were like the ones I was associating with.

sherbertpips

Okay as a married woman would I be happy if my DH turned round and said ' oh, so and so is coming round tonight for a drink'. and she turned out to be a beautiful single lady? I would freak out. I have a very happy and stable marriage but that would set off every paranoia going.

To be honest, Sherbert, I think this is probably the truth for most of us and that everyone is in denial or pretending to themselves that they are ultra cool about their partners socialising with single women. But the truth is entirely different - as many examples given above and on other threads testify.

I'm very busy both work wise and socially. I enjoy socialising and regularly had people round for dinner and threw parties when I was single. I'd say I'm neither a mans woman or woman's woman. But even allowing for all of that, as I got older, even I found that there was some sort of social attitude towards single women - and I wasn't just referring to me - I had friends who had the same kinds of experience.

Doors and friendships opened up once I got married that had previously been closed.

Cheers, OK, in that case I've been on about ten 'proper' holidays with a mix of couples and singles.

Is the OP coming back?

Or is she outside beating married men off with a stick.

TheStoic

I vote for the stick, and beating

Sorry, I can see I have inadvertently given offense with my clumsy comments of not liking spas ect. I was just trying to convey that some of my interests may be perceived as not so "girly" although I do also love crafting, sewing ect.
I do get on with women and also like them very much. I have a lot of respect for many of the posters I read on here and would enjoy meeting up for a coffee or two.
No - I am not "smoking hot" as some one asked (I wish!). I'm ok. Actually I'm a nice person who likes people for what they are.
In truth I'm lonely. We've living in a different area, although family are nearby, but I've had to start again and as an older single mother it is not so easy. Whatever you think, the reality is I'm not welcome as a singleton. Perhaps it is partly I am a stark reminder of what can happen to a marriage but there is definitely an exclusion of someone who doesn't have a partner. I don't want one as I am happier single but I get the feeling I am not believed.
An older lady just called on me, she is a widow and she cried just because I had done something small for her without being asked. (Told you I was nice!)
She is lonely and sad. This seems to be the fate awaiting anyone over 30 who for whatever reason becomes single.

Rubbish, over 30 does not equal lonely and sad, there's no age barrier to having a full life, you don't need a man to validate or fill it, you can fill it with whatever you want.

I do get what you are saying though OP, you are excluded somewhat socially as a singleton.

This thread is making me re-think my 'divorce' plans....maybe I haven't got it so bad after all abusive H but not violent I can deal with it. Yikes. Lonely and sad! TBH OP you don't sound too lonely, and I mean that in the nicest possible way!

If you aren't welcome as a singleton OP Id say thats more to do with the people you choose to mix with.

Although I suppose beyond a certain age most people tend to be married or at the very least coupled up so they develop interests in doing things as a couple. & most of their friends are coupled up to

Its the same as when a woman has a child..at times you find you don't fit in so much anymore..your childless friends may go here and there, and you can't go because your timescales simply don't fit ie you can't pop out for a drink, film, holiday etc. Just 1 of those things

As for over 30 and single - everyone is different. I hadn't even had my 1st child at 30. Both DCs grown up now & I split with their dad, didnt meet current OH until I was in my 40s. We live in different times now. Although I hate cliquey sayings, it is true that if you are truly happy with self then that leads to you meeting people you will be happy with. On the other hand I do think its true that if you want a particular way of life but put yourself in places where you won't get the happy life you want...ie wanting a good partner but hanging around married men all the times as the female mate always good for a laugh and innuendo banter- then you are likely to be a self-fulfilling prophecy

Im not suggesting this is you, OP. Just I think i you are happier single then have some single friends on same wavelength as you. Maybe you do have single friends..you don't make mention of that in any valid way though, you seem to be focused on the "marrieds". There is more than them out there..just like ,there's more to life

I think maybe personal experiences or their own insecurities! I have very strong single early 40is friend. She is beautiful, smart, independent and very strong. Women see her as a treat and I have seen it with my own eyes.
It's sad because she is not looking for a man especially the once on relationship. She has so much pain in her life but just because she is single it doesn't mean she is hunting other man. It's sad but also we can't judge all the people same. Obviusly for some single woman marrige doesn't mean anything-but in that situation it's the man who needs to control himself because he is the one in relationship!

I am single and get plenty of attention from men but I have never experienced any woman feeling I might be a threat to her partner. I would never act in a way which could be construed as a possible threat.

I don't get invited much to couples things any more because I started declining after I got fed up of going on my own but everyone was always welcoming and friendly when I went.

I agree that your attitude towards other women is skewed. I have lots of friends but can only think of one who likes soaps, most of us don't have time to go shopping and it's only since mumsnet that I've heard of women having spa days.

I have no problem with people who have genuine friends of both sexes.

I am irritated by women who like to be surrounded with and fancied by a group of men and be the centre of attention and pass this off "oh we're just friends- I prefer men to women because women are bitchy/only like shopping"

I used to think that, very generally, couples are more likely to have single male friends than single female friends. As a single parent I've made a few really nice friendships with couples (through getting to know the mum first) but mostly when I hang out with married people I have been friends with the woman for a long time. I don't have any couple friendships where I've known the man first (although I used to have more male friends).

I have been told by a former housemate that I was 'very naughty' for having a half hour conversation alone with the neighbours husband. I tend to be wary now when out at social events that, if meeting straight couples, I talk to the woman and show her far more attention than her husband.

I have a single friend, very much the girl that hangs out with men type, through her hobbies. She is utterly honourable, would never come on to or accept a married man's advances. She's had ugly experiences including a girlfriend screaming at her for friending her partner on fb, when all she was trying to do was extend her professional contacts.

Given that a few mm came on to me when I was younger, I am not surprised some women have to be wary though...

Well, I am a 'hangs out with other women' type woman and did experience this when I was single for many years, frequently rather than occasionally. I found couples divided into a few categories:

1. More than the sum of their parts: happy couples who are great together and who attract people to them as friends. No problem with these. You make friends with one of them, you get the other thrown in free. Lovely.

1. Fairly happy but conventional couples who are funny about having friends of the opposite sex and seem very worried about what others will think. Either initially friendly then drop you when they find out you are single, or stick with you but doggedly invite single men whenever they invite you;

1. Independent couples who do what they want. Tough one. Friendship with the opposite sex half of the couple can be unproblematic and nice but sometimes comes with undercurrents to do with their own issues;

1. Less than the sum of their parts: unhappy couples. With these there will be drama and nasty looks galore even if your behaviour has been beyond reproach. He plays games (hence befriending you), she is jealous and resentful. And vice versa. To be avoided.

Whichever kind you come across, excepting 1, it is annoying and isolating but it is not really about you and your behaviour at all in the vast majority of cases.

There is so much jealousy it's unreal. If people are going to jump to the conclusion that just because a women likes male company more than female that it is because she needs to be the centre of attention then that screams jealousy in my eyes. Men find me attractive, so what, I know i'm attractive and I have a gorgeous caring fiancée so I have no one to impress. I am friends with older people too one of my best female mates is 53. I've also had stick for this but who cares it's children who spread rumours about why so and so is talking to whoever. Adults like to socialise with people of the same mind set if they happen to be the opposite sex what's wrong with that? If someone's talking about you they're leaving someone else alone at least.

Goodbye speech - it has nothing to do with 'acting in an inappropriate way'! Just the fact one exists as a single woman appears to invite suspicion. This has been my resounding experience.

So, yes, i I wholeheartedly agree with you, op. This has been my experience across the board. I used to hang out with a huge crowd fromt my kids primary school and I wish now i'd made an announcement at one of our many social events - "I am NOT after your husband. I wouldn't dream in a million years of accepting such a skanky deal as a bit on the side; and, secondly' I'm not the sort who could be happy on the back of the unbelievable pain my actions would cause not just for the wife but the children ffs should I purloin one of your husbands for myself". Then next day blame my announcement on being pissed. I sooooo wish I'd done that, it would've saved endless problems, difficulties and awkwardness. In the end it would have been better if I wore a burka and kept my eyes on the ground.

The sad thing is I would love to have been one of the girls. I longed to make good female friends there but it just wasnt going to happen, despite my efforts. I made good male friends but very much on the quiet.

And, Liver, I heart you.

• very much on the quiet in the end because they are semi friendships that had to be conducted out of the gaze of their wives eagle eye.

I can't count the number of times I've been talking to a man at a paryt/event and the wife comes over and paws her husband in a completely obvious way: he's MINE, get your hands off! Like a pp I also blushed with embarrassment at the assumption - which only made me look guilty! Can't win!

These people are middle class, very comfortably off professionals btw, predominantly either very successful or hugely successful in the arts ie famous. Perhaps the wives felt they had too much to less/too far too fall/could be replaced? I have no idea but it was a disaster for me socially.

Strong feelings! Hard to shut up it was such a difficult experience.

Springydaffs I was brought up by my grandparents and all of the community knew each other so I was use to the pub scene and sitting with my granddads mates chatting away. It wasn't like I was attracted to 60year old plus men it was a friendly atmosphere. As I got older I met men of various ages in my local as I did females and i only ever seemed to have issues with the women. As soon as they'd walk in the pub they'd be eyeing up some pretty girl ready for a fight and it made me uneasy so i'd sit with the blokes. They were very protective of me as i was vulnerable and yes some of them tried it on but most of them were very respectful to me and treated me like one of them. These men were single but i would also talk to couples and got on well with them but sitting with a group of girls just wasn't my thing once i witnessed their behaviour. The best women i spoke to were total strangers and i believe sometimes familiarity breeds contempt.

Get over yourself OP. If you like men's company so much why are you single?

Enough Cheers m'dear for the empathy!

Because...EX tried to break me...so did his new wife...because I nearly ended up with a nervous breakdown due to the continued spiteful texts, calls and emails...because my children were so damaged by the spite they saw happening to their mother...to the extent they refuse to have anything to do with him...because for every damaging cruel story on here I can match it. So I am single because I've survived, due in part to moving away...creating a new home...new life...new school and we are doing well. Thanks in part to a caring brother who marched a broken sister to the police station...who IMMEDIATELY rang Ex and whipped down there to put a full harassment notice in place. So I'm single by choice because I am happy. Happy with my beautiful children and I will not put them through anything like that again. I no longer trust men and I still like people, women and men but am cynical of becoming too close.

But you don't want to hear all this...it's just more fun to take a pop at anyone who is brave enough to start a discussion.

You can hang around my husband all you like. Plenty of his, and our, female friends do. I don't care at all.

Anyway I don't want to reveal too much of my personal life. It's in the past and I'm over it, as much as you ever get over these things. So how do you delete a thread? I think this one has run its course and we are divided into those who understand and those who think I'm some kind of vain man eating vamp. Do I report it to get it removed?

Don't feel you have to get it deleted OP. It's an interesting discussion and I think you're coming across really well (now the spa/soap issue has been cleared up!).

Congratulations on triumphing over your past and coming through for yourself and your kids