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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Happily single and no threat to your man so why do you fear me?

332 replies

notrocketscience · 03/08/2015 11:14

Reading another poster on the difficulties of a single woman mixing with men through mutual interests; rambling, sport, photography, studying, evening classes...
It got me wondering, and I've suffered from this most of my life as my interests do not include spas and shopping or TV soaps. I like men and have had serious relationships but I also like them as friends. I'm currently a very happy single mother and with no intention of starting another relationship. I'm not a cheater and will not encourage any taken man. Yet other women do see me as a threat and it hurts because I'm really not and it does impact on my very limited social life. Is being a single woman such a bad thing that everyone automatically thinks I must be hanging out for the first man to offer me a quick one? (And don't get me started on the number of mm friends of the Ex who thought exactly that).

OP posts:
MereKaffe · 04/08/2015 14:15

no petal it does not. For every time I read on mumsnet that the OP's husband was caught with his pants down, it seems to be 50:50 she is married herself.

MereKaffe · 04/08/2015 14:16

I hear you SusanMichelson! I can't imagine it either now. After mourning not being normal, not being one half of a couple, dreading it, adjusting to it, coping, flourishing, finding contentment, I think now, ironically I would find it very hard to go back to such a conventional set up.

InTheBox · 04/08/2015 14:17

One of the things I can't stand about this idea of single women being threats is that it negates the concept of self-autonomy or agency. Men are not objects as such they cannot be stolen.

MereKaffe · 04/08/2015 14:26

Great questions notrocketscience

I'm enjoying reading your posts. I don't blame anybody either, long past that, but when I was with my abusive x, I socialised with other couples even if he'd rarely agree to come out! I was still more included. That doesn't happen any more. I have slowly just moved away from expecting to be included if the event includes husbands. I meet up with individual single friends I have here and there. Literally, the only other people I can count on now are an eclectic mix of single mother friends I've met along the way.

I don't think it's the same at all for men!

If a man is widowed, people will bring him a lasagne, look after him. Tell him they're there for him. Include him in everything, and then, when the time is right, make a few introductions.

It just does not happen the other way around.

Somebody said something to me once that really hurt me. And it was such an innocent comment from her. She said "the way to meet people is through friends". She was a close friend at the time. We are still friends, but less close. A few other close mutual friends were there and they all nodded in absolutel agreement with her. And yet, not one of my married friends has ever included me when the men come out, never mind introduced me to a single acquaintance.

SilverNightFairy · 04/08/2015 14:32

IntheBox,you have articulated my thoughts exactly. Think you for being far more succinct than I ever could.

LiverMummy25 · 04/08/2015 14:55

Petal I'm not sure why you aimed your comment at me as I haven't had any misunderstandings with married women?

My post was in response to the rude person who questioned me based on one a situation she knows nothing about and two on the fact I have male friends and prefer male company to female company 'Apparently that makes me want to be the centre in her mind'.

I'm sorry but if you're the type of person who judges a women based on her social preferences it says a lot about issues you may have with yourself. It doesn't mean I have problems with women I have felt uncomfortable at times with both sexes but I found with some women (SOME) that the moment you walk in the room they are out for trouble.

Example: Once I was sat with my friends and her friends who i'd never met. My friend seemed distressed so I asked if she was ok and one of her friends turned to me and said 'erm who the hell are you' I introduced myself and so did my friend. The women was drunk, common and rough and out for a row. I moved away all I did was ask my friend was she ok. Whether people like it or not, jealousy happens and nastiness happiness and sometimes out of the blue for no reason.

My opinion may change should I meet any women who are codial in a group but that hasnt happened. I have separate female friends who have never met and I prefer it that way.

Kewcumber · 04/08/2015 15:02

you have to be a little bit careful sometimes

You do...

...if you have a DH who is inclined to fuck other women.

SerialBox · 04/08/2015 15:06

This thread has got me thinking a lot and I've actually experienced it in reverse also.

Two of my friends exes hated them going out with me because I was single. Obviously I was on the pull in their mind and I would be encouraging their partners to join me.

In actual fact I juat fancied a night out with my girl friends.

MereKaffe · 04/08/2015 15:12

I have a married friend who won't socialise with me in the evenings because then it would give her h permission to socialise with single men and he's not allowed. Confused

Other people's marriages!

SerialBox · 04/08/2015 15:18

Nowt as queer as folk.

Original poster
notrocketscience · 04/08/2015 15:23

MereKaffe Thank you and no, I won't delete the thread. There are stimulating posters on here and I'm loving how they are challenging my own assumptions as well as pressing a few buttons on other peoples views.

Should I ever become part of a couple again (and no like you I do not envisage it) I'm going to do my best to retain any friendships I currently have, single or couple. There is a lovely book called "The Top 5 regrets of the Dying" by Bronnie Ware and one of the regrets is letting friendships disappear.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 04/08/2015 15:27

Livermummy my comment was definitely not aimed at you, apologies if it read that way, it was just a general comment.

And yes, you only have to be careful if you have a husband who can't be trusted. I should add that I definitely blame my first husband (who cheated) for his behaviour, rather than placing all the blame on the OW. He could easily have said 'no thank you, I'm married.' But he didn't.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 04/08/2015 15:36

Serial I think you raised a good point. I have had a couple of divorced friends who have started going out regularly to pick up joints pubs and clubs and a couple of married mutual friends in the throes of mid life crises have started going with them, very regularly….let's just say it's getting messy and it'll end in tears.

SerialBox · 04/08/2015 15:39

See it's funny I was never interested in pick up joints. It was just dinner and a drink or a few locally. Now I think about it, it was 3 friends ex's. Thankfully they are all now ex's and friends in happy and healthy relationships.

TeaPleaseLouise · 04/08/2015 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea · 04/08/2015 16:22

It would be facinating to hear the thoughts of the people accused of being jealous, territorial or scared of single women.

I don't think that in most cases it is conscious. And more seriously, people are in self-denial because they don't want to be "that woman" - the one who breaches the code of the sisterhood and mistrusts all women and mistrusts their husband.

So it gets dressed up as "only this particular woman as she is a known raging flirt and a slut" or "she wouldn't be interested in this party it's couples only and she'd feel out of it" or "I don't actually have a problem with single women at all" (subtly ignoring the fact that all single women have been cast out of your day to day social life). That type of thing.

The most you will get is the odd honest poster (some have posted here and there were a few on the rambling thread) who says "I'd be really worried if DH was friends with a hot single woman" or "I wouldn't let him go camping over night in the Peak District with a group of women".

Paddlingduck · 04/08/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaPleaseLouise · 04/08/2015 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressDeeCee · 04/08/2015 16:54

This thread has got me thinking a little about people's relationships, and how intrusive people who aren't in that relationship can be. If its a wife or husband who doesnt want a particular single friend around & it normally IS a particular single friend, not "en masse" then why can't they be just left alone to sort out that issue? Why the insistence that their DH/DW is jealous..? It seems to me there is a real fear of saying that word, or even admitting that yes its a feeling..just like many other feelings. Its not a taboo.

Couples are entitled to have their boundaries once they're together. We may think some of them are silly. But expecting people not to change and have different loyalties and priorities once they're married is naive. If s/he is a true friend they'll be back if not well then they've chosen their partner over you. Because they wanted to. May not seem pleasant to you but it is what it is.

I suppose the alternative to that would be, fighting for attention...in a s/he is jealous & Im not going away fashion, maybe...but woud anyone want to do that, really? There are times in life where we may not like or agree with a situation but common sense should tell us to walk away. Whoever & whatever you are fighting for will be back..if you are important to them. If not well then you have to let it go, can sing from the rooftops all day about how jealous the partner is, when all said and done makes no difference. People will choose who and how they want to.

PuppyMonkey · 04/08/2015 16:58

But... But... I do quite like soaps. And shopping. I hate myself now.

Wink
Viviennemary · 04/08/2015 17:05

You must be giving off the vibes that you're a threat. Can't think of any other reason why they would think you are.

motherinferior · 04/08/2015 17:27

Er...because they're convinced all single women are going to put the moves on their partners?

If s/he is a true friend they'll be back if not well then they've chosen their partner over you. Because they wanted to. May not seem pleasant to you but it is what it is.

No, it's not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

purplesprings · 04/08/2015 17:51

I have a friend who is always keen to go out when she's single but as soon as she has a new partner she then exclusively socialises with other couples. I always know when there are problems in her relationships because she wants to get together!

I think that's quite common in the same way that people with children tend to mix with other parents.

I do get the impression that some dhs don't like their wives socialising with me because I'm thoroughly enjoying being man free again and they don't want their wives following my lead Grin

Can't say I've had any mm flirting with me but a few who get upset when you say you have no need for a man in your life.

DixieNormas · 04/08/2015 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiverMummy25 · 04/08/2015 19:36

Petal Thank you i'm sorry if read anything the wrong way just stating my views.

I remember going out one night my friend, her oh and me and mine. We were all getting along and then her oh went to the toilet. I also needed it so I got up to go too and left my friend alone with my oh to go. He mentioned to me when we got home that my friend had shot me a look when I got up as if to say why am I going the toilet same time as her oh (as though there was something going on) I love her to bits but sometimes when we'd be out she'd comment on what other girls were wearing such as 'look at how tight her dress is' and i'd think i have a dress like that lol. She'd as k me and her oh if we thought certain girls who were out were pretty. She really is very insecure.

Before i'd met her oh she said me, her and our other friend were going to go to his house for a bit and said to me there's no need to dress up or put any make up on. I usually always wear make up when going out or to friends etc but on this occasion i put on a casual top and jeans, no make up but brought some in my bag.
When i got to her house, her and other friend were there, both dressed up and both wearing make up and this really upset me. I didn't say anything but i went into the bedroom to put some on. So see sometimes as nice as someone may be they can feel as though others overshadow them. I cant think of any other reason she would request i dress down and not wear make up as only reason i'd get dressed up would be weekends in pub or club when entertainment is on and for the theatre or something.