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Original poster

Happily single and no threat to your man so why do you fear me?

332 replies

notrocketscience · 03/08/2015 11:14

Reading another poster on the difficulties of a single woman mixing with men through mutual interests; rambling, sport, photography, studying, evening classes...
It got me wondering, and I've suffered from this most of my life as my interests do not include spas and shopping or TV soaps. I like men and have had serious relationships but I also like them as friends. I'm currently a very happy single mother and with no intention of starting another relationship. I'm not a cheater and will not encourage any taken man. Yet other women do see me as a threat and it hurts because I'm really not and it does impact on my very limited social life. Is being a single woman such a bad thing that everyone automatically thinks I must be hanging out for the first man to offer me a quick one? (And don't get me started on the number of mm friends of the Ex who thought exactly that).

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 03/08/2015 13:25

Sorry - missed the end off the quote at the top. This was the full thing:

"I would think the idea of a single woman being generally seen as a threat by women in relationships is just as much a mythical construct as the idea that women generally like spas and TV soaps."

LiverMummy25 · 03/08/2015 13:29

Yes i did as she was flirting with my man and then asking me inappropriate questions about the relationship which i thought was bizzare seeing as she's an ex and only hadn't spoken to him after the split until he got with me she proceeded to take her chair and move it right next to his and flicked her hair whilst leaning into him and then said 'oh i'm not a threat to you i'm a married women' (she was married when she came onto him when they met) i told her no women is a threat to me and she laughed and said 'it doesn't come across that way' we continued arguing and in the end i'd had enough. It was clear from her behaviour who she thought the threat was. I have spoken merrily with another of his exes as she isn't inappropriate and we got along swimmingly.

spatchcock · 03/08/2015 13:30

Don't know about anyone else but I'm interested to hear what a "man's sense of humour" is?!

OP it's a non issue. Women don't see you as a threat. They might dismiss you because you are so keen to pigeonhole them as spa-going soap opera lovers. I don't think we'd be friends and that's nothing to do with the state of my relationship.

sherbetpips · 03/08/2015 13:33

Okay as a married woman would I be happy if my DH turned round and said ' oh, so and so is coming round tonight for a drink'. and she turned out to be a beautiful single lady? I would freak out. I have a very happy and stable marriage but that would set off every paranoia going.

GraysAnalogy · 03/08/2015 13:33

'belted her one' Hmm classyyyy

OnlyLovers · 03/08/2015 13:34

Cheers:

1 Many (although not all are still friends, but not for DP-related reasons).
2 Loads (sorry, I CBA sitting counting up)
3 Several. Off the top of my head I can think of three who he'd classify as good friends.
4 My DP always tells me about new people (male and female) but has never felt the need to assure me that 'there was genuinely no sexual attraction'.
5 Several. Maybe twenty times over about eight years. Actually maybe more. I'm counting weekends away and daytrips to the coast etc, as well as 'proper' holidays.
6 No, it tends to be about 50/50 and I'd say is dictated less by gender and more by who I was friends with first (in couples who've got together since I knew them) and geography –sometimes one half of a split couple moves away and, although I may stay in touch with both, frequency and quality of contact tends to be unequally split.

Maybe I'm unusual though.

I have to say, IME it's the single person who seems to have a chip on their shoulder about me and DP/couples generally, rather than the other way round. Comments about how the high street is 'full of couples' on a Saturday afternoon, 'it's two against one' if we're having a discussion about what to see at the cinema or something; digs at couples as being 'smug. Small things, maybe, but I would never dream of making these kind of comments about anyone who was single.

Atenco · 03/08/2015 13:35

I agree with you OP. I am surprised at the comments here. Obviously the individual posters are speaking from the heart and I celebrate that they have no problem with their partner's female friends, but there are always threads on here where a wife is complaining about her husband's friendship with a single woman and other posters tell her that it is inappropriate and she should insist he end it.

I'm too old to be a threat to anyone now, but as a thirty-something single mother I found it politic not to make friends with other women's husbands, which was a shame because I like the company of men but not enough to want another partner.

LiverMummy25 · 03/08/2015 13:37

I can talk to my male friends about things i cant with my female friends. The males have a similar sense of humour to me where as some of the women take things the wrong way. I can have deep conversations with my male friends but with my female friends it's all about gossiping or moaning about something. I love all my friends but i tend to laugh more around the males except for one female friend who grew up with me.

GraysAnalogy · 03/08/2015 13:38

You just need to find new female friends. I thought most women were like that until I went to uni. I realised it wasn't women it was just the ones I associated with.

girliefriend · 03/08/2015 13:38

I think for some woman they do find their husbands or bfs chatting to or having female friends difficult.

I have mostly always been single and seen this first hand, an example would be me sitting and watching dd at her swimming lesson chatting to another dad sat next to me. His wife is watching and eventually either puts herself physically between us or distracts him so he doesn't talk to me anymore.

It doesn't bother me though, otoh I always make sure my behaviour towards any married man is always such that it can't be misinterpreted. A dad of one my dds friends started texting me about meeting up with the kids and in this situation I can find it to be a bit of a minefield!

LiverMummy25 · 03/08/2015 13:39

Because it's very classy being a slapper and coming onto a man when you're married and then to your ex whilst in a relationship. I don't let women get away with disrespecting me.

LiverMummy25 · 03/08/2015 13:40

GreysAnalogy I think you're right

Fromparistoberlin73 · 03/08/2015 13:42

Yes to The 'I just don't like spas and shopping or TV soaps' stuff is really grim. If you reduce all the women you know down to three banal activities and treat them as essentially what female company consists of, I wouldn't like you much either.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 03/08/2015 13:44

and--let be honest if my DP defriended an attractive single mum in the school playground. I would be jealous!

are you smoking hot OP?

spatchcock · 03/08/2015 13:45

LiverMummy you need new female friends. You don't need to look far to find women who can hold a conversation. Just look at the depth and breadth of topics being discussed on MN. Literature, politics, academia, current affairs...

Mind you I don't think many women would want to be friends with someone who "belts" people in pubs. Perhaps you should look within. Although, something tells me you won't.

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2015 13:48

I don't like spas either. & shopping is my worst nightmare so online is a haven for me. I suppose there aren't many "female" activities I do like..the thing is Im just me. Just like many other women.

I always raise a brow at women who say that because they're single, other women see them as a threat..the only friends I've had like that (2 who aren't my friends any longer thankully) are the competitive type who always want a man when he has a partner. So although I wouldn't describe women like that as a threat as such, I don't buy the sweet line that "oh women don't like me as Im not like them I get on with men/male activities more"..whatever. All of it is playing up to men. & women who define themselves mainly by what men think of them tend not be liked much, as they're annoying. If not vacuous.

Im not single I do have a couple of male friends but I treat them like any other friend. I couldn't imagine having loads of/only male friends, as a woman I wouldn't have enough in common with them. I don't feel the need to laud male friends over female friends at all. Friends are friends.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 03/08/2015 13:48

I dread to think of the women you meet that you cannot have an intelligent conversation with Liver judging from the calibre of your Mumsnet posts today.

bettyberry · 03/08/2015 13:57

OP I agree. I was a single mum for 8 years and happily so. When DC started school I couldn't so much as talk to another dad without his wife either interrupting the convo or pulling him away.

Then you get the dads who are happy to talk to you and don't rush off when wife calls but it doesn't stop other mums spreading rumours. One mum even said to me ' you are only talking to him because you want to fuck him'. Hmm

My own sister even accused me of fancying her husband and trying to steal him from her because I was ' a desperate single mum' Her words.

In fact the only thing I ever wanted when a single mum was a regular orgasm and I got that with the power of a lovehoney order. Best stress relief ever.

I too prefer the company of men. That's mostly down to my hobbies being most likely to be taken up by men. Model making, Gaming, I've just taken up electronics again and I'm learning programming along with the stereotypical female ones such as kniting, art, jam making etc

And yes, I've also been hit on by married dads too. One went so far as to say 'If you like me, I'll leave my wife for you' Ugh! no thanks. He wasn't the only one.

I think some of it has to do with where you live. I lived in military towns before and found they tended to see me more of a threat and then lived in sleepy villages and no one batted an eyelid. Even sending their husbands over to put up hanging baskets and fix a fence because I didn't have the tools for the job.

WavingNotDrowning · 03/08/2015 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheersMedea · 03/08/2015 14:00

Onlylovers

Re: holidays- I didn't mean weekends away, I meant proper holidays - as in "come and stay in our villa in france for a couple of weeks" type holidays. When I was single, I was never asked once. Now I'm married, we've had a few of those invitations over the years.

In one case, a guy I'd worked with for years owned a huge villa in S of France - frankly it was more of a chateau. A single man who had worked with him for the better part of 5 minutes had an invitation straight away! I was absolutely green with envy. It wasn't until I was married that I was invited there with DH. I never asked the guy as I was too embarrassed but I'm completely convinced there was some issue with "not asking a single woman (my wife wouldn't like it) as compared with being ok to ask a single guy."

It may not be "a threat" perception - but that's the type of thing I'm talking about. That it's all ok to have a single man but not if it's a single woman for unspecified, unspoken social reasons (probably with some kind of sexual risk underpinning).

CheersMedea · 03/08/2015 14:01

My own sister even accused me of fancying her husband and trying to steal him from her because I was ' a desperate single mum' Her words.

Bettyberry Shock That is terrible.

BretzeliBabas · 03/08/2015 14:04

I have a friend who is a single mum and likes the company of married men. She knows she can flirt with them and chat to them and enjoy some banter without anything ever happening. She admits as much.

I know this much because i challenged her over it. We both had a SAHD as a friend and she went around to his house for lunch and DD and i were also invited at the last minute, so i don't think she knew we were coming. She turned up wearing full make up and an outfit unsuitbale for a playdate. If she dressed like that all the time then fair enough, but she has never turned up to my house for a playdate dressed like that. I had it out with her and in the end she admitted that she had made a hige effort with her apperance because the playdate was with a Dad.

penguinsaresmall · 03/08/2015 14:05

I would think the idea of a single woman being generally seen as a threat by women in relationships is just as much a mythical construct as the idea that women generally like spas and TV soaps.

This.

penguinsaresmall · 03/08/2015 14:05

Posted too soon - also just to say I see 'you' as no threat at all. Not because I trust or don't trust your motives but because I trust my DH.

thatsnotmynamereally · 03/08/2015 14:07

OP, I can't help but wonder if you suffer a bit from cool girl syndrome?

But aside from any question about you/your men-friends/lack of women-friends I agree that being married or in a serious relationship does make you much more likely to be taken at face value. I've always worked in a male-dominated field and feel that it's much easier to be friendly to men as a married woman. I find it much safer to be married, even though my marriage is sh*t (it has been for a long time but in public I've always spoken proudly of my H, even when I shouldn't) as I feel it gives me a bit of protection. pathetic I know