Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

OP - so he has forced your hand to buy something that you were hoping to get IN YOUR OWN TIME. I'd be bloody fuming if it were me, especially after I'd already said no. Even more so after the 'women = always right' line.

Having said that - as I've said on here before, I'd never date anyone who signed up to kill women and children voluntarily. It takes all sorts I suppose.

He's a weirdo, stop being so passive.
Honestly op this is just one of those life lessons , time to toughen up.

Yeah my bikes tyres are getting a little low on tread. I told him it was the next thing on my list. I will pay in full definitely. I don't like owing money to anyone if I can help it.

I wouldn't worry too much about the whole giving her a service talk. We are talking about the bikes, and we always call them 'her', it's not taken in another context.

If you accept the items does that mean you'll have to give him your address Capricorniangirl? That alone is a reason to feel uncomfortable when you're still trying to figure out whether he's socially inept or could become a problem in the future.

Not taking in another context?

Oh OP, you're 26 not 16.
(or thereabouts)

Do not be an idiot.

That is the point of innuendo - an innocent comment that you use all the time, that can be taken in a different way.

If you are not interested in a man, it is not a good idea to send texts about "giving her a service to freshen her up", when he is buying you gifts, telling you that you're pretty, and saying he wants to hug you and ever stop. Come on love. Except that I've obviously rather taken against him, I'd go so far as to say that's unfair to him!

To be absolutely clear: you could turn up to service his bike in full lingerie and you don't owe him anything.
But it's not a fair or wise thing to do.
Nor is using language that can definitely be taken as flirtation.

Unless I arrange to drive my car to pick them up from him (Which is quite a way whilst hes back home, closer when hes at work) then yes I would have to give him my address. I don't live on my own though, I live with my parents and family (7 of use). Its not often I'm home alone but I know it is dodgy to give my address. My instinct is that it will be fine. And if anything else ever got sent to me etc... then that would give me a reason to completely get him out of my life altogether, as I had him promise he wont do it again.

Eish. Maybe he's just a nice guy with more money than sense.

There is a lot of seeing the instant negative in male behaviour on this site!

Totally understand why you feel uncomfortable accepting this gift, and it's a shame he did it but it doesn't mean you have to write him off, he may just have been being clumsy/thoughtless

7 of us*

Epilepsyhelp actually most posters on the thread have taken the view - at least initially - that he's possibly nice with a bit of spare cash.

It was 6 or so times he ignored the OP's wishes that got him the negative view!

Nowt against a gift per se!

Thanks Epilepsyhelp for the different view. I know its hard for anyone to truely know what he is really like because the picture is only made through my posts. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with anyone, I'm here to take in what you think to hopefully help me not make a silly decision and so far I think it's worked out ok. I am going to keep him at an arms length, but not write him off completely just yet as you say. I will be cautious and wary and see how he is in future. For now I just want to focus on getting this gift issue out the way with.

And now you will be running around after him to get the tyres!

OP - just tell him to send them back. Really.

Yes I not most of you gave the benefit of the doubt at first and it soon changed with the persistence. As have my thoughts.

In this guy's defence (no, really - I'm going to!) he may well have had a history of women putting up a false show of saying "oh you shouldn't have", "oh I can't accept", "I should contribute", "oh really - for ME? Well... Oh aren't you lovely".
I've watched friends do it, with dismay

OP - did you see there's a new cycling topic on MN where we can talk about servicing our girls without people trying to buy us tyres we didn't ask for?

Check it out!

So now you are stuck having to pay for tyres that you couldn't really afford for a few months as this guy has forced them on you? I would be pointing that out to him. I would also point out how many times you had to tell him that you didn't want them as a gift before he listened to what you said.

I still can't tell if he is a good guy who is really overeager and intense or someone to steer well clear of, but I think some straight talking will make it clear which he one he is.

Just be honest with him. If you can't talk to him I would think your relationship as friends or more is not going to work out anyway, as you won't be quite relaxed around him again.

I firstly told him I didn't want him the hassle of sending them back (I know, I know!) so I'd just pay for them. However, he replied saying nothing is a hassle for me ... and about him rather me having them.

So I've replied saying well if you say it's no hassle to send them back then i'll just order them myself.

Well done OP. People who spill to give too much often want it back in other ways later on.

I want you to be safe is he Edward Cullen?

Look how that panned out

I think you should trust your instincts.

Definately insist he sends them back himself. Ten years ago my views would be similar to yours, but i had terribly low self confidence and no assertiveness. Now, i have got both and alarm bells are going off. He has repeatedly ignored your views and ever seemingly 'nice' guys can trample on others. He sounds too intense and weird/ fucked up as hell. You have to be REALLY firm with guys like this. If you give him an inch he will take a mile. He has already shown you that. Block him out of your life completely or he will continue to wear you down. Do not help him/ message him, and please get angry at how he has been disrespecting you! How dare he!

So I've replied saying well if you say it's no hassle to send them back then i'll just order them myself

Even if you decide to stay friends or date in future you have set out your boundaries right off the bat. Well done!

Could he be genuinely worried about your safety, after all tyres and helmet are pretty important bits of kit! Just be honest with him, and dont feel beholden to him. Take things slowly and see how things go, if he still isnt listening then step away.

I've read through the whole thread and I've had experience of men like this even to the point where they talk about being a white knight and chivalrous! All I would say is back away from the man, don't give him an inch and watch him very closely. People don't tell us who or what they are but they do show us. He says he is chivalrous but he repeatedly ignores your wishes...hmmm not difficult to fathom this one out. He perceives himself to be a gentleman, generous, traditional and keen to keep you safe when cycling. In reality he believes he knows best for you and overrides you after one meeting.

Add his sexist comment into the mix and I'd be running for the hills.

I'm glad to see you've taken a stance with the tyres, how he responds to this will be very interesting and telling.