Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

[spatchcock]

Weird reading this thread. My first serious boyfriend was an engineer in the Air Force, and rode a motorbike.

He was really intense and wanted to get serious asap. He used to buy me all sorts of stuff if I said I liked it in passing and refused to take it back. Also "chivalrous" and wanted to open the car door etc. He quickly became controlling and jealous and yes, as someone upthread said, when things turned sour he mentioned all the stuff he'd bought me - which I happily returned.

I have good boundaries now, this wouldn't happen today. Sounds like you are switched on OP. Keep listening to those instincts.

[Vatersay]

Why on earth would anyone think it was ok to 'pester' you at work?

[eddielizzard]

it's stagnated because you wouldn't play ball. he wanted you to be indebted to him so he has more power. never a good sign. who forks out £200 for someone they don't really know??

always go with your gut, and your gut was right.

[Cabrinha]

You need to STOP thinking about how you hope he sends the tyres back, or ooooh, maybe he could return them in person if he goes to the shop. Oh and you hope he don't mention them again.

It. Is. Not. Your. Problem.

That includes if he comes out with some shite like he didn't get a chance and now it's past the return policy period.

These tyres have no more to do with you, end of.

Re the attitude to spending money - you seem to be over analysing conversations, why do you need opinions other than your own? Why are you lacking confidence about this guy? It sounds a pretty innocuous conversation - even the 'you sound like my mum', in isolation. Although add that to his previous comment about women always being right, yep, he likes his lazy and offensive stereotypes about women, doesn't he?

His attitude to spending isn't wrong - but if it's incompatible with yours, it's worth noting that different approaches to finance is a major stressor in relationships.

As for turning up at work... you tell him NO. Not apologetically, firmly. "When I'm at work I'm working - I don't like being pestered and my manager is none too keen earlier so don't come to my work".

[goodbyespeech]

That's funny about the chivalry thing. I've been trying to get rid of an online guy I only met twice who won't take no for an answer. He texted, he won't let me go, 'faint heart never won fair maiden.'

Op did he really use the word 'pester' about visiting you at work? What's wrong with these men, pushing themselves on you till you give in? He obviously knows what he's doing and just wants his own way regardless of what you want.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I think he's killed it with the tyres
And that's ok. Just let it fizzle out if you want to.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

I told he he shouldn't get carried away and he said his brain says be sensible but his heart says throw money around like its gone out of fashion.

Still trying to woo you with grand claims of generosity, then? Does he actually think you're a prostitute?

[Capricorniangirl]

Oh also in reply to Oliversmumsarmy, No I don't think it's the same person, when he's at work he's up Norfolk way, and when he's back home he's around Warwickshire.

[Capricorniangirl]

Hey all, just thought I'd check back on the thread and seen others have responded. Thank you. (Oh and for those of you who weren't sure, yes motorbike, not bicycle). :)

Ok so, the tyres were delivered to him the next day as I thought and he sent me a picture of them saying they'd arrived. I didn't and haven't said nothing more about them and he hasn't mentioned about them after that either. I didn't reply to him for near enough 2 days, I have been generally busy but I just wanted to create some 'space' too.

Talk after that has been mainly around general stuff, but he asked how was work etc.. and twice now he's mentioned about one day he might come pester me at work. He does know where I work (Retail).

But I haven't given him my address. I dunno what's going on with the tyres... as he said it was no hassle for me and then I said well if it's no hassle you can send them back and I'll get them myself, I'm hoping that is what he will do. He mentioned he wanted to go up to the shop where they were ordered from to try on some one-piece leathers this week - I think hinting for me to come too, but I told him I will be busy over the next 2 weeks (Which I actually am), but perhaps if he does go he can take them back then.

I've been trying to take the messaging elsewhere, trying to find a little more out about him. One thing that stuck out to me today was that I was telling him about the bike shop (Where he got the tyres ordered from) as he wants to go there at some point and hasn't been before, and how anything that says in stock online they will have in their store - So take a list of items you like the look of to make it easier. On that point he said that could be 'dangerous' because there's many things he wants. I told he he shouldn't get carried away and he said his brain says be sensible but his heart says throw money around like its gone out of fashion.

I wasn't keen on that idea. I said to him: "Well, that can be a dangerous thing to do cause one day you might need it and not have it so take care of it. 'Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.' :) "

And then his response was that oh god I sound like his mother (Coming across in a jokey way, but I found a little... I don't know...not a great thing to say by the way it was implied) and that "these days with the economy the way it is it needs every too spend and not save ...... Well that's my excuse anyway ;) "

So yeah, that's where I'm at with this whole thing. kinda feels a little.. stagnant? if that's the right word to use..

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

"he did say he is 'old fashioned' and a mnetion of Chivalry."
Why am I not remotely surprised by that

"I wouldn't say it's a sign of inexperience at all. This shit works on a lot of women because of this stupid but persuasive view that we're supposed to be flattered and not mind that our feelings are ignored."
Totally agree. In my experience these "old fashioned" "gentlemen" have a habit of being controlling, not respecting my feelings, and are all round arseholes once the veneer wears off. It's all about them. Oh, and when you dump them they get very upset over the fact they bought you lots of stuff. Suddenly you're a "user", "gold digger", or "bitch", even if you asked them not to buy the stuff in the first place.

"I know what your saying and I know your right as woman are always right, but..."
Oh fuck off! Women are always right? How cringey is that. And saying "but" after "I know what your saying and I know your right" means it's irrelevant because my wishes are more important than yours

"I feel very strongly that a 'nice' guy would have accepted 'no'. The first time."
So do I, which is why my alarm bells are going off. Offering an expensive gift to someone you've not even been on a date with could be (giving him a huge benefit of the doubt) just clumsy. Not taking no for an answer is potentially sinister.

"For goodness sake don't give him your address - you won't be able to cut ties as easily once you've done it."
Agree. Capricorn, don't think you're safe just because you don't live alone. I don't necessarily mean physically, but once a pest knows where you live your sanctuary is no longer your sanctuary. Be very choosy who you give your address to.

[Vatersay]

I agree with previous posters. Be very, very, very, careful of a man who;

Won't accept 'no'
Pushes you to be indebted to him (over a period of time)
Repeatedly tries to manipulate you to do thing his way.
Talks down to you 'take care of yourself etc' (he's not your Dad)
Has come up with a way of forcing you to reveal your address.

If you accept these gifts you do release he's not going to send them? He'll deliver them personally so you'll feel obliged to invite him in.

Then he'll just be 'passing by' a lot and you'll feel under obligation because of the inappropriately expensive gift even if you've paid for it.

I'm sorry, I feel very strongly that a 'nice' guy would have accepted 'no'. The first time.

He's making you feel really uncomfortable after one meeting. Listen to your instincts.

Be firm, be clear, say 'no' like you really, really mean it. For goodness sake don't give him your address - you won't be able to cut ties as easily once you've done it.

It also might be worth considering how this situation will appear to the others in this new group 'I bought her £100s of pounds of equipment and now she won't speak to me.'

[Myturnnow4]

Pretty much this, This thread is like the definition of male privilege.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Not read the whole thread but he isn't from around Oxford/Northants is he. He reminds me of someone we new who proposed in front of a packed pub to the barmaid at our local. He had never even had a conversation with her let alone been out with her once. He even had the ring. He also has the same hobby.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Well, not a couple days, I see .

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I had to change devices...
The reason for my question is that some motorcycle clubs may have a chauvinistic attitude towards women. I grant this is an extreme example but here is an article on it-and please notice the picture.

Although this describes Motorcycle gangs Club/s in the US called the 1% or Outlaw groups, the underlying attitude may be a bit of the foundation from which this guy sees women, and/or sees women who are bikers.

I do get that this may not have anything at all to do with the organization you are involved with, but his traditional, old-fashioned, chivalrous self-descriptions may be his nice-nice with a sweet smile way of telling you he follows traditional old-fashioned biker culture (chauvinism) and would therefor have expectations for your role in the relationship (the man would own the lady). Please do be very cautious, and consider hanging out with the ladies instead.

I would also not let him buy anything for your bike. It may be a bit here and there (although tyres are significant) but eventually he may throw out a comment that he has more invested in your bike than you do (even if a haha-just kidding way)...suggesting if not out right saying...perhaps it should really be his bike. He owns your bike/he owns you. I know this is guessing and probably won't play out, but it is a possibility from someone who you do not know who suddenly is very eager to invest in your bike.

The full-on pay for everything, and the pouncing on purchasing things you casually mention in conversation is a red flag. I agree with pps. This is not without strings attached-just know that up front. Imho, I suspect there is a huge unspoken agenda in play with his dynamics. Perhaps keep a running tab (every last cent) of what you accept off him? He may want his money back if you decide not to play ball with him.

The random gift giving (separate from traditional gift giving reasons of birthday/Christmas sometimes ) is designed to create obligation. If obligations are not fulfilled then guilt and shame cards may be played against you. It is an emotional manipulation. His refusal to take no for an answer and/or the "Get That No into a Yes" game is disrespectful. You have to look under the surface in these circumstances. Your instinct is spot on to be uncomfortable with this.

Sorry this is so long. But I've been thinking about you for a couple of days about this. I really really hate it that blokes think a nice conversation is equated with an interest in having sex. He is testing and eroding your boundaries with the flirt texting and Hugs. Not that I would but fun to think about: Maybe you buy him a teddy bear; he can hug that instead of you if he is so hug needy.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Sorry if I misunderstood but are you talking about bicycles or motorcycles? You recently mentioned the tyres would not fit his motor bike.

[amarmai]

You are supposed to feel grateful because "nothing is a hassle for" you!? He is creating this whole sit and framing it thru-out that you are being treated wonderfully by him . It sure feels the opposite to me. Hope you are right if you choose to continue with this guy.

[Xenadog]

I've read through the whole thread and I've had experience of men like this even to the point where they talk about being a white knight and chivalrous! All I would say is back away from the man, don't give him an inch and watch him very closely. People don't tell us who or what they are but they do show us. He says he is chivalrous but he repeatedly ignores your wishes...hmmm not difficult to fathom this one out. He perceives himself to be a gentleman, generous, traditional and keen to keep you safe when cycling. In reality he believes he knows best for you and overrides you after one meeting.

Add his sexist comment into the mix and I'd be running for the hills.

I'm glad to see you've taken a stance with the tyres, how he responds to this will be very interesting and telling.

[Sagethyme]

Could he be genuinely worried about your safety, after all tyres and helmet are pretty important bits of kit! Just be honest with him, and dont feel beholden to him. Take things slowly and see how things go, if he still isnt listening then step away.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

So I've replied saying well if you say it's no hassle to send them back then i'll just order them myself



Even if you decide to stay friends or date in future you have set out your boundaries right off the bat. Well done!

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Definately insist he sends them back himself. Ten years ago my views would be similar to yours, but i had terribly low self confidence and no assertiveness. Now, i have got both and alarm bells are going off. He has repeatedly ignored your views and ever seemingly 'nice' guys can trample on others. He sounds too intense and weird/ fucked up as hell. You have to be REALLY firm with guys like this. If you give him an inch he will take a mile. He has already shown you that. Block him out of your life completely or he will continue to wear you down. Do not help him/ message him, and please get angry at how he has been disrespecting you! How dare he!

[elQuintoConyo]

I want you to be safe is he Edward Cullen?

Look how that panned out

I think you should trust your instincts.

[DoreenLethal]

Well done OP. People who spill to give too much often want it back in other ways later on.