Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

[tipsytrifle]

I would say "yes, a few lines being crossed here; too much too fast. Let's meet and chat at the next bike event though " Something like, or better than that ...

What would you prefer to say? No apologies, no in depth critique .. set the tone now and re-draw the line you wish to establish in your text reply. Could be quite important, this one.

[shovetheholly]

Perfect chance for you to say 'Well, you kinda have . In a very sweet way. Look, I'm really flattered you want to buy me tyres - to be honest, I just didn't know what to say at the start because I was so gobsmacked! No-one's done anything like that for me, ever! But honestly, I need you to listen to me when I say I feel a bit uncomfortable here! The gifts, though really sweet, are making me feel strange and awkward and embarrassed! Can we just go for a drink instead? I think you're a really interesting person, and I'd really like to get to know you without pressure - you know, go for a couple of beers sometime and just hang out!'

Then, if he responds pushing it further, you've been clear and you can distance yourself knowing he's being a bit controlling. If he apologises, you can set a date!!

[Capricorniangirl]

Well me replying as me, it would probably go along the softly route of something like, Although it's very kind of you, I just couldn't accept it. It feels too much. I would like to get to know you better and look forward to meeting up again soon.

Although you lot are going to tell me that is not a good response Im sure hehe I am not very good.

[Capricorniangirl]

That sounds good Shove.

[Cabrinha]

Your own response is just fine Cap.

[tipsytrifle]

That's cool, Capricorniangirl if that feels more true to you. I'm an abrupt Sagittarian so would be too soft and fluffy for me *heh. Whatever you say, let wise instinct with her warning bells resume control of your responses. Fairy tale castles and Princes who swoop in are not really healthy starting points

Good luck!

[Cabrinha]

No offense to Shove but that is OTT to me and far too much placating him and apologising for your own feelings. Blowing smoke right up his arse for being inappropriate in his behaviour AND ignoring your wishes.

[Capricorniangirl]

Ok, I've replied with my own comment. I'm hoping he backs off from it a little now. Fingers crossed.

[Capricorniangirl]

Reply:

" What happens if I said we can split it 50/50 then... Maybe my generosity is a bit OTT haha. to say the least."

[Goodbyemylove]

Why can't he just buy you a drink?

[Goodbyemylove]

At least he recognises he's OTT. Maybe he's just over-enthusiastic?

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

"That's very kind, but still a bit much for me right now"

[amarmai]

surely you need to try on and pick your own helmet. Go slow and be safe.

[Capricorniangirl]

Hi goodbylove, Well a drink as in a bottle of water, can of something etc.. but I don't really do the whole wine/beer/pub thing.

[MadeMan]

Still seems a bit strange.

If I bought my Mum an ill fitting jumper for Christmas and she said she didn't like it, I wouldn't offer her to go 50/50 on it; I'd send it back.

He's still not listening to you, OP.

[tipsytrifle]

OK now his ignoring and over-riding of your boundaries is well OTT. Really. This would be a killer to me.

I would declare that what happens now is an end to all comms and the reason too. He's testing testing tapping at your boundaries all the time. Now would not be a good time to submit. Because that's how he will see it. Your submission and the pattern it follows for him to gain it every time.

How do you feel now that he's trodden over your gentle reply? Anger nudging at all? No means No. He is totally not respecting that at all. Not even acknowledging any of your No's.

[tipsytrifle]

He's learning everything he wants to know about you now; how you tick and the best way to manipulate you out of your safety zone and into his. What he wants to know doesn't include your worldview, your cycling, your favourite song or colour or place. Nope. It's about him getting his way. With a winning smile, no doubt. Pfft!

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya Tipsy, Anger, no. I don't feel angry with him, More perhaps a tad frustrated. I understand what you are saying, thing is I've already offered to pay him back the full price for them, as If i've bought them. I can afford to and I do need them but I was just planning to get them in a month or two just to spread out my money a bit as I've spent a bit already this month.

So shall I insist on paying in full or not accepting at all.. then go quiet?

[Capricorniangirl]

One thing he knows is I dont earn much, I'm on a very low hour P/T Job and do a P/T uni course from home. Could this be part of the reason he doesnt want me to pay in full for them do you think?

[tipsytrifle]

I would not accept the stuff, tell him clearly that negotiations have failed and he has ignored your refusal to accept this unwanted and inappropriate gift. Then I would end anything but meeting casually at the next bike event. I would tell him all of that then go quiet/NC.

Buy the stuff yourself next month as planned. You may need the stuff but you already budgeted for next month. You don't NEED him but he is firmly trying to link himself into the DNA of your need. You don't need his protection, you aren't incapable on this bike of yours and you aren't a child; you're an independent woman with free will.

[MrsJorahMormont]

Yeah, I agree with others who think he is now pushing too hard. He sounds like an ex of mine who was very kind and generous and wooed me and at first I thought he was just an old fashioned gent. Except he kept up the pressure always, including trying to emotionally blackmail me into quitting smoking and it all got a bit much.

The trouble is, in his head he will think he's just being nice but you have drawn a line and he has crossed it. I would send a short message saying 'Please send the tyres back or use them yourself'. Then I would stop messaging. Don't be too nice. Then if you want to get to know him take it at your own pace, not his.

[tipsytrifle]

The correct and healthy way of responding to your refusal OR your offer to pay for the lot would have been to accept that was your line. That you have a right to refuse. Your limited funds are NOT his concern at this point in a non-relationship.

He is over-riding you, treating you like he's the generous prince come to save Cinderella. I would find his insistence humiliating, tbh.

[Cabrinha]

I wouldn't accept at all.
Then if you want them, sort it out yourselves.

FFS.
You said NO.
In fact, you said you KEPT saying no, so you said it more than once.

He ignored you.

You said "OK, I'll pay you back". He refused to give you his paypal.

You said you didn't want the gift.

He came out with some crap about pretending they weren't from him.

You opened up and were clear and honest that you wanted to get to know him, and it was a no to the gift.

He ignored you AGAIN trying to still spend £100 on you.

And he calls himself generous?

OP, generous is spending a fiver when you have a tenner. It is not spending £100 when you have £5000.

I started off thinking he was over enthusiastic but possibly nice and you just had to be clear.

Now I think he's just a twat.

You said NO.
He ignored you.

I'd just go totally quiet now, ignoring the "" faces too.

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya MrsJorah, Its funny you should say that because it reminds me that he did say he is 'old fashioned' and a mnetion of Chivalry.

I asked before if he could use them himself but they wont fit on his motorbike. Mine has different sized tyres.

[Cabrinha]

Btw: going quiet, not game playing. Just he doesn't deserve more of your time.