My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

192 replies

Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 02:14

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

OP posts:
Report
Myturnnow4 · 30/07/2015 15:08

Reply: " What happens if I said we can split it 50/50 then... Maybe my generosity is a bit OTT haha. to say the least."

Oh for goodness sake!

"If you were to say that then I'd know that you're ignoring what I've said".

Report
Myturnnow4 · 30/07/2015 15:09

Or, "If you were to say that then I'd know you don't care when I say 'no'".

(Not really).

Report
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 15:10

I would reply "it is certainly old fashioned to ignore a woman's wishes entirely, however it is not chivalrous".

What self serving self satisfying crap he's coming out with.

Honestly - does your personal definition of chivalrous include ignoring someone's wishes and making them feel uncomfortable?

Report
RitaKiaOra · 30/07/2015 15:11

Am I the only one here, who thinks he's a keeper? Grin
He sounds lovely.
Wants to keep you safe, isn't remotely tight-fisted, is complimentary, makes sure basic needs (food,drinks) are met and buys gifts/surprises.
Also making sure he is not exploiting younfor a favour/realises time is precious/time is money. Ship him over to me, my bike needs a new inner tyre.

Report
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 15:13

Oh dear :( I feel so deflated/exhausted over the whole thing, I feel like I've got loads of conflicting voices in my head. I see most of you believe this is a no go and I just stop talking to him. It's very hard because I wanna be friends at the least, - although I realise he is basically ignoring my wishes, I don't feel like hes really done anything terrible/wrong in a nasty sense, so it feels difficult.

OP posts:
Report
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 15:13

What you earn is irrelevant.
Unless you want a relationship where you don't get to be heard because you earn less?
Good luck with that.

Report
bestguess23 · 30/07/2015 15:14

Rita, I'm with you, he sounds intense and inexperienced but not sinister. I wouldn't give my address just as a basic safety thing but he sounds like he is trying to impress rather than be a weirdo.

Report
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 15:17

He didn't do anything terrible in offering the expensive gift.

He didn't something wrong in ignoring you REPEATEDLY afterwards.

Just say "no, I have said no" for now, and leave it.

See if he manages to come back from that and talk to you normally after that.

Report
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 15:19

I wouldn't say it's a sign of inexperience at all.
This shit works on a lot of women because of this stupid but persuasive view that we're supposed to be flattered and not mind that our feelings are ignored.

Report
amarmai · 30/07/2015 15:22

this all his agenda and for a purpose. Opt out . BTW 2 more red flags-old fashioned and chivalry. His persistence is scarey

Report
HelsBels3000 · 30/07/2015 15:23

I think he sounds nice enough, perhaps well-off, clumsily trying to show you he likes you by buying you gifts. He deserves a chance?

Report
CatMilkMan · 30/07/2015 15:26

These are just suggestions and peoples opinions Cap, you don't need to do what anyone here says.
It's your life and you get to choose what you do my opinion is not to judge him too much, make sure he knows you don't want expensive gifts and take it slow as friends.
It's ok to be happy and flattered he fancies you and is paying so much attention to you.

Report
Myturnnow4 · 30/07/2015 15:27

Am I the only one here, who thinks he's a keeper? He sounds lovely. Wants to keep you safe, isn't remotely tight-fisted, is complimentary, makes sure basic needs (food,drinks) are met and buys gifts/surprises.

I get the impression that OP is more than capable of keeping herself safe and meeting her own basic needs. I think gifts and generosity are great - it's the ignoring of someone's wishes (repeatedly) that's not a good sign.

Report
tipsytrifle · 30/07/2015 15:27

You don't see anything wrong with a man ignoring your wishes?

Thing about Chivalry is that it was a deliberate and conscious fakery established to play out the impossibility of Love. Which at that time was not seen as a rational or reasonable emotion to base real life on. It was a Fantasy, like that second life online game? Like that online game it often went wrong. But then it was largely an elite game anyway.

The thing with flattery is that it's an insult to intelligence. It lacks genuine, spontaneous delight in the life and soul of another.

It seems to me that you two have talked about nothing other than this damn helmet and tyres. Or rather the terms and conditions of your acceptance.

Report
Myturnnow4 · 30/07/2015 15:28

OP I don't think anyone's saying LTB, but I'm worried he's wearing you down. That's not a safe or healthy start for any friendship or romance.

Report
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 15:29

Ive responded with: Nothing like a good service to freshen her up (Talking about his bike from a previous message) :) But if you say that, think I think you are not hearing me. (Referring to his 50/50 comment)

OP posts:
Report
MrsJorahMormont · 30/07/2015 15:30

It's just too much OP. He's giving this gift with an agenda - you will owe him. I felt like that a lot with ex - in my defence I was young and flattered - but in the end when the relationship didn't work the guilt of dumping him made me feel ill. It was horrible.

Any man who tells you he is 'generous', 'chivalrous' is selling himself to you but he has an image of himself that is overriding your discomfort and your feelings. I don't think it's a total no-go but I do think you need to be cautious.

DH brought a gift to our first date - a tiny box of four chocs. He IS kind and generous but he has a basic respect for boundaries. The gift he brought was charming and because it was given at the end of the date didn't make me feel uncomfortable or that anything was expected of me. THAT is normal gift-giving - a source of pleasure, not a feeling that you owe someone.

Report
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 15:38

He says: I know what your saying and I know your right as woman are always right, but £75 for a set of tyres that covering your time for doing the MonsterMash stuff ..... Though I'll do whatever you want.

I know I'm not the cleverest cookie haha but my heart is in the decisions I make I do hope we do get a chance to meet up so I can pester you about your blogging skills.

OP posts:
Report
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 15:39

(MonsterMash is to do with the design thing)

OP posts:
Report
SophiesDog · 30/07/2015 15:46

Only just seen this but OP this sort of thing used to happen to me a lot when I was into bikes (and young, and single...)

It attracts men wholesale
some nice
some normal
some not normal

some crazies

be nice, be innocent, say thank you but be clear with him.

Report
tipsytrifle · 30/07/2015 15:46

Sorry but his words make me feel ill. Note the word "pester". He's telling you who/what he is. He hasn't apologised for his actions and sidelined you into being all-women and therefore not right.

However, it's up to you how you interpret his words and behaviour. Stay real if you can, not lost in chivalric wonder-land?

Report
Goodbyemylove · 30/07/2015 15:46

I went out with an over generous and helpful man (eg buying me things I just mentioned in passing, wouldn't accept money for them.)
He became very possessive and controlling over time.

When I ended the relationship he said he felt 'used.'

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ruddygreattiger · 30/07/2015 15:49

Ffs he sounds bloody hard work and I personally think you would be better off just backing out of any design work and go nc. This guy refuses to listen and sounds scarily full-on and you haven't even been on one date! Back away op.

Report
Myturnnow4 · 30/07/2015 15:51

This sounds just too much like hard work.

Report
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 15:53

" I know your (sic) right as women as always right"

And right there, OP you have the bit that tells you whether he's nice but enthusiastic, or someone who does what HE wants and your feelings and opinions don't matter to him.

How about he just respects your wishes?

So now he refusing to acknowledge your feelings AND throwing some offensive shite at you too.

Honestly, at this point I would no longer want it even be friends because I'd think he was a wanker.

I'd either ignore, or c&p that and say "did you actually just write that?" And then ignore. But be ready to be told it was just a joke.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.