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Original poster

Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

192 replies

Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 02:14

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

OP posts:
Myturnnow4 · 30/07/2015 15:56

I'm going to stop posting because otherwise I'll just be repeating what cab's saying.

Original poster
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 15:57

It feels hard work. I feel like I'm walking on ice because I'm trying to be firm but in a nice way, but yes he seems very persistent. I have once again told him I want to pay for them otherwise it isn't right.

I will still do the design for him, but I wont feel so much pressure. And then after that, I'm not sure, maybe I'll still give him a chance if I feel right.. but if not I will back away.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 15:59

Myturn - just possibly without so many typos Grin

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:00

Are you going to call him on disrespecting him with the "women are always right" shite?

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:01

Disrespecting you I mean.

He might as well have been there in person rolling his eyes at you and saying "blah blah blah" and making the mouth moving with his hand gesture.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:02

And seriously - don't pay for them. Just ignore them completely now.
Buy them when YOU want to.

Original poster
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 16:02

He's saying that the others peoples designs I have been asked to do are more important than his and if I need help with anything hes got lots of time tight now (Hes off for 2 weeks) and that ok, I can pay him for them, bit by bit if I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 16:05

I took it in more of a joking way tbh, I have blokes constantly saying it, at home, where I work, friends, friends of friends.. I take it with a pinch of salt, I don't feel offended by it but it can depend on the tone and way it was said.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:06

You want to be in hock to a man who thinks "oh yeah, women are always right?"

tipsytrifle · 30/07/2015 16:07

You can repeat as much as you like to him. He'll do the same back to you with his own variant that rejects your pov. If you do the design for him there will be another Gift and the whole hey-ho can rotate again. And still no-one will know anything more/deeper about anyone other than what makes their ego tick. If he's really good at this game, you'll never even notice how he tunes your tick to service his. I genuinely wish you luck, Capricorngirl.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:09

It's not a line I'd risk when I should already know I'm on the back foot.

I'm backing out of this now because it's really obvious from your last post that you're digging around for reasons to convince yourself he's nice really.

Fact is, he ignores you wishes repeatedly - even now, paying bit by bit - when is he going to just ACCEPT WHAT YOU WANT???

I think we're up to 6x that he's ignored you on this?

Cynara · 30/07/2015 16:14

I've just read the whole thread, and I have to agree with those telling you to be very wary of this man's agenda. Each update you give of what he's saying makes me cringe more than the last. He sounds very self-congratulatory, like he's got an idea of what (all) women should be like, what they should want, what they should think and feel, and if they don't respond appropriately to him, such a chivalrous, old-fashioned gentleman, then the answer to that is to disregard them and railroad them until they do. Because they're wrong. They should be grateful.

Maybe he's not a bad person, but he's got some funny ideas about boundaries and relationships, and it seems from your posts that you're not ok with that.

Listen to your instincts. There are thousands of other men out there who havent made you feel uncomfortable, and guilty, and awkward even before you've been on a date with them.

Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

TheWatchersCouncil · 30/07/2015 16:15

I think there could very well be red flags here. But, might he have felt awkward about accepting your help with the design of whatever it is without reimbursing you in some way, felt that payment would be tacky as it is not a business transaction and therefore decided to get you a gift instead?

Of course this doesn't mean you should accept the gift.

Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:17

and TheWatchers, if that was his response to her first rejection of the gift, we'd all be saying "take it - and he sounds LOVELY!"

But he repeatedly ignored her turning it down, even after she said she prefers to get to know him.

DoreenLethal · 30/07/2015 16:21

So you are now to be beholden to him for ages whilst you pay him off?

And you are stepping on eggshells after just knowing him for one day.

DoreenLethal · 30/07/2015 16:22

Personally I'd never go out with a man who doesn't understand that No means No. You just never know how far they take that idea.

rumred · 30/07/2015 16:23

Women do this, men do that...You may hear it a lot but in my opinion it's sexist shite and means he thinks women are inferior. Which he'll never admit. Be polite, accept no ridiculously ott gifts and keep him at barge pole length. Is my view.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/07/2015 16:26

He sounds bloody awful
Why do you want to get to know him better? What are his good qualities?

Original poster
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 16:28

Right I know people have suggested to not accept them at all but I've said I'm going to pay for them in full, I did say to cancel to order if he can but as its a next day delivery thing it's too late and he'd have to send them back as I thought. He said he'd rather me have them than not because they are important - speaking as a biker and from experience.

So I shall pay for them, I'm still gonna try and do a few designs and he said he'll try and see if he can help with ideas.

And I'm going then then back off with any interest for now and see what happens cause I don't feel as I did before.

OP posts:
TheOddity · 30/07/2015 16:31

I honestly think if he just wanted to give you a thank you gift, he would have let you get on with the design, and when he received it, present you with a present without a price tag on it. I think sending you a screen shot of the order, the price etc is a form of controlling behaviour to try and make you indebted to him for whatever reason. That's why you feel uncomfortable. I would probably just pay if they really are what you would have ordered anyway on a month or two. Ask for his bank or paypal details again. Otherwise ask him to send them back.
No need to write him off but certainly any more things that make you feel uncomfortable would make me unsure. Also you are going to meet loads of bikers if you are just a newbie. I would be playing the long game and seeing who else there is in this new circle of friends before getting any more involved railroaded

Original poster
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 16:32

EhricLoves, He honestly seems a really nice guy. He doesn't at all seem horrible or awful, but I do think he's taken it all too far and it's pushed me away (and hes only just realised probably) I do want to stay friends for now, and would like to give him a chance in future to see if he takes a deeper interest in ME, but otherswise, online friends and occasional group meets will be the limit.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 30/07/2015 16:36

If you don't feel as you did before, I'd definitely back off with texts about "giving her a service"!

Of course it's your choice. But honestly, if you can't pay outright, FGS don't owe him money paying in bits.

You have to accept that it is HIS problem that he ordered them. That was his choice, AFTER you said no.

And he says you need them? You don't have tyres on your bike then? Confused

If you (YOU) think you need them, then you can buy them. Mr Flashy Money probably hasn't even got the best deal, as he was in too much of a rush to buy them (you) quickly with next day delivery.

At least check for the best price first!

Original poster
Capricorniangirl · 30/07/2015 16:37

Thanks TheOddity, yes what you say is what I plan to do. I am quite a newbie, yeah, I've only have my bike since sept last year, though so far I havent met many my age. But I wasn't so much 'actively looking' for anything, but more.. if someone comes along kind of thing.

The screenshot of the order he sent me, it didn't show the price. he cropped it. I asked how much they were and he said the price of a gift should never be told. (But I can find out from the website)

OP posts:
TheWatchersCouncil · 30/07/2015 16:38

Cab - Well, yeah. I was just thinking about what (part of) his initial motivation might have been. At the end of the day, I think it is irrelevant, because it's about how he has conducted himself in light of the OP saying she didn't want him to do it. Which has been to ignore her and insist on doing what he wants despite her discomfort. Fact that this is not the first time he's done this - the food and drink - does add up to a tidy little row of red flags.

At best, he is clumsy, misguided and just doesn't 'get it'. But why should the OP have to bang her head against that particular brick wall? At worst, he is controlling and this is a seemingly less sinister manifestation of a controlling and disrespectful individual, and other more obviously sinister and objectionable behaviours are bound to follow.

fourflights · 30/07/2015 16:38

My DD had an online date recently with a man who looked nothing like his photo. He insisted on paying for everything against her wishes, and kept telling her what a generous old fashioned person he was and didn't understand why he couldn't get a girlfriend. She got a cab, but when she arrived home, discovered that the fare had already been paid for by him. She didn't want to see him again and was furious.

He of course said that she had used him, and became extremely unpleasant.

The point being, that he's trying to buy you OP, and put you under obligation. Don't let him.