Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that he could be a nice (and very generous) guy, who is really into you and wants to know you better but is choosing quite an awkward way of going about that! I once dated a guy who was very wealthy, and he was very much like this - lots of presents from a very early stage. It was just how he did things. When I explained that I knew his intentions were absolutely lovely but it made me uncomfortable, he did tone it down.

I would do the design for him, since that's the agreement between you. Try your best, but don't feel like you have to spend ages and ages on it or anything. (I bet you're way better than you think you are!). You can present it to him as a kind of first draft, and say that you'll tinker with it to take on board any suggestions or comments he has. Bear in mind that the work of a designer isn't exactly cheap, and that the time you'll spend on it is worth something!!

I think the key thing is that these gifts have a huge anthropological symbolic value, and it is this that makes the disproportion uncomfortable. You could suggest accepting part of his gift in exchange for your design, but not all of it - the helmet, for instance, but not the tyres. Then there's been a kind of swap- your design for his present, which feels 'fair' without being a bond that contains a burden of further expectation.

I'd tell him honestly that you really aren't the type who needs to be bought things, that what you'd really like is to grab a couple of beers with him some time - with no pressure. Hopefully, that will allow you the time to suss out whether you do like him or not, and whether this is worth pursuing so that you get the tyres as well

The trouble is Capricorn, as for any person looking at such behaviour and wondering - he probably does seem very nice, very sweet, and not creepy at all.

Creepy is easy to deal with. Extremely pleasant, polite or seemingly good natured people are much harder to rebuff or refuse in any way. And this is how you can find yourself in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your wishes, doesn't hear you say 'no', and overrides you at every turn :(

You do have a little background with the online stuff and so to some extent he may feel he knows you a little which I suppose could be a worry in itself.

I do think though,twotwenty has given some brilliant insight and advice.

I suggest you say very clearly that the gifts are making your uncomfortable and that you don't want them and why, and then see how he responds. If he is a good guy who just got a bit carried away, then he will respect your wishes and back off. If he ignores or belittles your opinions, then you know he is not and can back away.

Hmm, he could either be really inexperienced and very clumsy in his approach, or he could be a problem in the making. Personally, I'd be telling him to cancel the order because, as you've already told him, you don't want the gifts. I'd also withdraw my offer of the design job. How dare he not take no for an answer (huge red flag)! I don't care if he thought he was doing something lovely, he still overrode your wishes. Does he think just because you've been chatting online that somehow you're in the beginnings of a relationship, therefore he's going to shower you with gifts to buy your affections? He reminds me of someone I had problems with; boundary pusher, bought me gifts, then got very arsey when I stopped the "relationship". Never again will I have anything to do with men like that.

It's really difficult to tell if he's controlling or just awkward.

Did you get any vibes while talking to him that he was a bit socially "clumsy"?

I agree with PPs that you should tell him that you won't be accepting the gifts and you don't feel comfortable with doing the design for him now.

I'd also be FUCK OFF at his "I want you to be safe". How old are you OP? Old enough to take care of your own safety I think.
Lovely to meet someone you hit it off with and for them to care about you, but I would bristle visibly at patronising shite like that!

I do think you've encouraged him to think there's a chance with you. Not by accepting the food and drink he forced on you, but by allowing his texting about wanting hugs with you and telling you you're pretty. I hesitate to call that flirting as it's so lame! (though I'm sure you are both petty and huggable) but it's clear he's interested in dating.

So I suspect the gifts are just too much too soon not evil intent. What matters is how he reacts now.

Make a point of telling him you already said no!

If you are interested in him, I'd say "come on, I already told you no - so you need to cancel that order, I won't accept them. I was happy to have a go at the design - I'll send it to you next week. If you like it, by all means I'll swap it for the tyres! Do you fancy a ride/drink next week?"

If you're not interested in a date, tbh I'd back off from the design because he clearly wants more and I could just see that getting complicated.

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that he could be a nice (and very generous) guy, who is really into you and wants to know you better but is choosing quite an awkward way of going about that!

I think that there's every chance this is the case. However, it is still not ok for him to repeatedly ignore the OP when she says "no". That is the key issue here.

Hello,

Thank you lovely people for your advice!

To try and answer some questions people have put up; yes I am a little interested in him and I'd like to know more about him and see how we get on. The present he's ordered was 2 new tyres. We are both 26. I have no idea of his income, I know he's in the airforce as an engineer.

When I spoke to him at the show, he seemed normal, not really shy, but not in your face loud. Not sure how the convo arose but he did mention about being single and also the his friends are all getting married now etc.. Which I replied to with basically, yeah I notice that too with my friends and family.

I've decided to slow the messaging down a bit, taking much long time to reply, which will also let me get on with things I actually need to do anyway haha.

I messaged him earlier and said: "I still don't feel right about you getting them, you have to accept the money back for them still cause it's too much to spend on a random person like that, Ok?"

(Does that sound ok?)

He's replied with: "You're not a random person miss, you're a friend :) Well think of it as like you didn't get them from me ;) but as I said I'll take payment in hugs."

Just to clarify, the hug thing has come about as I hugged everyone else I met but as we turned up at almost the same time we just started talking, I then afterwards online I said to him, as he seemed interested, that oops I forgot to give him a hug, and next time we meet I will. And he was saying that if he hugged me he might not be able to let go.

His reply would piss me right off, personally.

It's so hard without knowing the person.

With the right mood, context, contact, my reply would be difference.

I honestly would be split (based on the above) between:

"Hugs? The tyres are awesome, you'll be getting more than a hug from me "

and

"Payment in hugs? I'm not a fucking prostitute."

In your case based on what's been said, I would go in serious and firm:

"Look, you are a new friend and I'd like to get to know you better. But I have told you twice now that I don't want these expensive gifts from you, and I don't like that you are ignoring it, though I appreciate you're trying to find a 'nice' reason to persuade me. But you have to respect what I have told you, and that is that I will not accept them. If you ignore we again, I will be offended. Now - that's cleared up, do you want to meet for a drink on Sat?"

yuck.

So in short he is still ignoring your wishes and overriding your boundaries by insisting on giving you this "gift" and you are still letting him, and both flirting.

Have your eyes open if you go into a relationship with him.

"I still don't feel right about you getting them, you have to accept the money back for them still cause it's too much to spend on a random person like that, Ok?"

The problem with this is it's a bit ambiguous. Are you accepting the tyres under sufferance (or pretend sufferance) or are you sticking by your word and not accepting them at all?

I agree with Cabrinha.

Your message to him was passive and made it very easy for him to ignore your wishes.

Suggest you read up on assertiveness, eg A Woman in your own right.

And why should you be forced to give him money now that you said you haven't budgeted for?

The helmet - is it even the one you would have chosen?

The thing is as he's already made the order, (Which will be with him tomorrow as I know the company do next day delivery) I'd feel awful making him send them back (If you can send tyres back? I assume you can) and telling him I won't accept them at all - But I would feel better if I paid him for them and then he sent them to me. I think I will keep pushing that and not give him my address unless he lets me pay. I'm trying to get him to realise that I don't need big gifts to be impressed or happy, but it is like he just wants to do it anyway.
The helmet he was going to get originally was £450! But I wouldn't tell him my size so he got the tyres instead. (Probably around £200)

Sounds like he has built a whole relationship for you both in his head, so regardless of how you reply now you're off the script he wants to follow.

Back away pronto would be my advice.

Nope, still red flags.

He's dismissing your wishes, albeit in a jokey, "hugs" way. That's not respectful.

OP, giving you a gift on such slight acquaintance is OTT, IMO.
It's characteristic of someone with a different agenda. Beware.

Why are you so hung up on not upsetting him?

Let him return them, you didn't ask for them, you don't want them.

If he's offended by that, well, then he really is showing his true nature isn't he?

I guess I'm not very good at it :( I guess the term 'passive' suits me as a person probably. I really try and avoid hurting peoples feelings, I want to be nice, polite, friendly, helpful. But of course with a firm under-manner in that what I say I mean.

Just to add another perspective, I think the fact that he is in the airforce may have something to do with this behaviour? Unpredictability of scheduling, working in a male dominated profession.

I think every military officer I've dated have (seriously) brought up marriage somewhere on the second date and all wanted commitment straight away I'm an owd slapper and don't want that straight off

I'm no Angelina Jolie but bear in mind that they are always aware they might randomly be spending the next eight months camped in a desert with 50 men to one woman feeling lonely (and my opinion is men without access to women struggle MUCH more than women without men)

so if they meet someone they hit it off in the UK with they try very very hard to pin things down as soon as possible?

normally a guy on 40k a year isn't going to suggest a £200 meal or offer to pay for flights to his workplace, but I think that sense of "oh shit this might be the last chance for a date before I'm off on an obscure base somewhere with only men to interact with" comes through.

Plus they know a lot of women aren't really deep down going to be interested in a serious LTR with someone away that often, so try to over-compensate with the big things straight off.

I don't think it's necessarily healthy for the start of a good relationship - there is a high rate of divorce in the forces and I wonder how much of this is due to "whirlwind romances that go sour quickly" , but just to say it isn't necessarily as sinister as being instantly controlling, just a bit desperate

Of course the tyres can be sent back! Why would you feel bad, it was his decision.

Why are you letting him take control!

Myturnnow's original message was good use that.

You need to be clearer on saying no.

The thing is as he's already made the order That was his decision, mde in the full knowledge that you'd said no thank you.

I'd feel awful making him send them back But you're not. You're just keeping the stance you'd already informed him of.

I think I will keep pushing that and not give him my address unless he lets me pay. Why would you pay??

I'm trying to get him to realise that I don't need big gifts to be impressed or happy, but it is like he just wants to do it anyway. Why do you assume that these are his motivations?

Even if the tyres can't be sent back. That is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.