Met once and now given a gift - any advice?

[Capricorniangirl]

Heya all.

So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.

So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..

He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.

After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.

At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.

Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..

The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...

I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).

Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.

But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.

He does seem very nice but am I missing something?

Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)

[Myturnnow4]

I think that sense of "oh shit this might be the last chance for a date before I'm off on an obscure base somewhere with only men to interact with" comes through.

This isn't the issue imo. The issue is that he suggests this, and then ignores the OP's wishes.

[Cabrinha]

I'm going to come back to my shoe buying new boyfriend - simply because he is RAF! And currently in the desert

The important thing was his reaction to me saying no.
He didn't over ride me and order anyway. He listened to my reasons. He didn't joke about it. He didn't make any stupid comments about feminists. He just listened, and reacted appropriately.

He respected me.

[DoreenLethal]

OP - why did you ask for advice in the first place? Do you yourself think this is flattering or pushy?

[Capricorniangirl]

Ok, I think I understand that I need to be Very clear and firm (I wish he understood I was being serious at first and not joking around.)

I'd just like to also add that he hasn't really asked anything else about me.. I'd want to know a lot more about him to get to know him more.. But I mentioned that I wanted to know more about him before and he said I can ask anything I like.

[Cabrinha]

I think woottongpan has a point about a pattern sometimes seen in military men. Several friends with experience there have said the same to me, over my RAF chap.

And he certainly did get a sudden surprise deployment! So I agree that the OTT gift giving and quick faux-commitment can be cultural, for want of a better word.

But as I said above - what's important is how they react when you say "slow down" or "no gifts".

[tipsytrifle]

I'm also not impressed by the physical payment he insists on, disguised as a request. Maybe that's just me. Hugs aren't currency for trade or first meets, hence you do not/cannot "owe" him/anyone a hug; unless you see such as currency of course.

Sorry, OP - I'm not liking this guy at all. The rest is up to you but passive, flirty acceptance seems like handing the reins to another. You have good instincts prodding you - might be worth listening to them?

[Cabrinha]

If you can ask him anything you like, ask him why he feels the need to buy women with gifts?

[Myturnnow4]

(I wish he understood I was being serious at first and not joking around.) Unless he's stupid or unless you were being coy, he will understand. He's just choosing to disregard your wishes, despite understanding what they are.

I'd just like to also add that he hasn't really asked anything else about me.. I'd want to know a lot more about him to get to know him more.. But I mentioned that I wanted to know more about him before and he said I can ask anything I like.

I think that your instincts are spot on. Keep listening to them. Don't second guess yourself.

[Capricorniangirl]

Hi Doreen, I asked because I didn't know which it was nor what to do in the situation. I felt gobsmacked and awkward. I have never known anyone to do that for me and it's such a strange feeling..

[Cabrinha]

He hasn't done it for you.
He's done it for HIM.

Even if he's lovely and just blown away by you - he has still done it for him, and that's why you feel uncomfortable!

[DoreenLethal]

Yes but are you finding it flattering or pushy? Bearing in mind you have said twice now that you don't want it; and is it really up to him to buy your hugs? Surely hugs should be freely given if the giver wants it, not because they have been pre-ordered?

[tipsytrifle]

he said I can ask anything I like.

Ha - sounds like those guys on dating sites who won't fill in a profile, just type "ask me anything/fill this is later." Could be emotional laziness, could be poor communication skills; could be he's looking for a quick bed result and doesn't really care about the finer details. Could be relational immaturity.

Could be so many darn things but he sure isn't volunteering anything of deep meaning or value to you other than a materially expensive helmet and tyres.

[Cabrinha]

It is a very very good thing for a man to learn right from the start that they need to put in more than money.

I despair of the number of women who start a post on here "it was going really well, lots of gifts..."

He is being lazy.

Buy me a cycling helmet? Meh.
Ask me what I like about cycling and listen entranced as I tell him? Yes.

[Capricorniangirl]

Oh ok, I kinda feel a little sad/deflated over the whole thing. It's nice that someone is paying an interest in me again since my last relationship 2 years ago, but now I'm feeling very uncertain about it all. Before all this thing with buying me the gift we was just talking about meeting up again, organising another meetup/ride with people, and that he needs to fit some new parts on his bike and wanted an extra pair of hands (Indicating to me) And I said I would come over to help out even though I knew nothing about how to fit them, (He says he hasnt done it before it) and that it would be good to learn so I can do it when it comes to my own bike.

[Myturnnow4]

Why don't you just tell him that? "I'd really like it if we could slow this down, get to know each other without extravagant gestures... it's the little things like talking and listening that are important to me right now and I'd like to get to know you better"?

[Capricorniangirl]

Doreen:

At first it felt very very flattering, but as time goes on it's gradually feeling more pushy.

[Cabrinha]

So just do that.
Just TELL him.

"Look, I'm not comfortable with the gifts, I told you that. What say we get together this weekend, and fix that bike part? And don't try to foist the tyres on me then because it will make it awkward - I'm serious about that. Looking forward to working out !"

And take it from there.

Note that NOWHERE in my message have I suggested you apologise for your feelings.

[Capricorniangirl]

I'll try that Myturnnow4, see what he says.

[CatMilkMan]

Well I'm useless, I read your OP like it was about to be an amazing love story. I honestly thought he just really fancies you and wanted to do something nice to try and impress you.
The comments killed my theory, no matter his intentions don't let it spoil your enjoyment of bikes.

[tipsytrifle]

Is it possible for you to simply keep this to a meet at the next meet up event? No private messing with his bike parts *ahem - possibly at his place when neither of you know what you're doing with bikes or each other?

If you need to learn stuff about your bike, learn from you tube, a book or others in your group who already know and can teach you, with no hidden agenda.

It's nice to get some attention, maybe even to be very gently flirted with. But flirting is a gentle, arms-length art and this just feels way too pushy and invasive. Don't you get that feeling too?

[Cabrinha]

The only place where I disagree with Myturn is calling talking and listening "little things". I do know what you mean though. But they're big things.

Spunking £xxx on bike gear is a little thing, if you have the money. Lazy, meaningless, little.

[Capricorniangirl]

Oh ok.. I havent responded to him for a couple of hours now (Although he knows I've read the last message (FB messager) And just as I was gonna reply to him, hes sent me another message just now saying:

"Or have I crossed the line :("

[Cabrinha]

OK, be explicit. Just say "actually, yes you did - I said no, you did it anyway. I won't take them, I think you understand me now. But shall we draw a line under it? Drink?"

[Cabrinha]

Do NOT apologise to him for his feelings.

[Capricorniangirl]

CatMilkMan You kind of got how my feelings have changed since reading throught he replies. I didn't really know what to expect - it's why I asked for advice because we can often ourselves be blind. I wasn't sure at first, now the advice and opinions have quite changed my thoughts.