what do narcissists feel?

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I had a relationship with a classic narcissist over 10 years ago. I'd always known he was abusive, but it was only after reading threads on here and then researching online that I realised that he was a narcissist and that our relationship followed the classic idealise-devalue-discard cycle.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone knew what narcissists actually feel at the beginning of the relationship when they are being so full on and perfect. Do they genuinely think they are in love? I can't imagine someone pretending to feel those things, although I can imagine someone conning themselves into thinking they're in love and therefore behaving in a way that they think a person who is in love behaves. Anyone?

Funking again: The article says fleas are easily fixed, but in my experience they weren't! My therapy went a lot faster after finding out about this stuff and bringing it to my sessions. I have Mumsnet to thank for the crucial insights, not my professionals :)

One other thing you might find reassuring (or not, depends on you) - the statistical majority of psychopaths live orderly, constructive lives within society despite lacking the emotional foundations for social behaviour. They treat it as a disability, although they're fortunate not to experience it as disablement and have no wish to be different. Also, this is one disability that measurably improves one's chances of success in life - as long as the subject's aware & motivated to manage life on a "do no harm" principle, they're actually quite blessed!

Germgirl - it isn't her mother's genes, it's her mother's behaviours. It's the way she's been taught to act since birth. I don't have any easy answers, since this is a damaged child we're talking about. But like Lottapianos I think both nurturing her own emotions and continuing to emphasise those of others is the way to go though. Children learn by example.

Perhaps the term narcissist isn't really all that helpful and we could go back to the old terminology of egotism? It's easier to see it as a wide band of behaviour then with unhealthy extremes. The people we currently term 'narcissists' are people who, for a variety of reasons, are extraordinarily egotistical to the exclusion of all else. My father was the original source of the problem in my family, and it spread to my mother and myself. I remember when I deliberately started excluding people. Still everyone has some degree of egotism, it goes with identity and the needs of daily life.

Someone upthread asked how they've been able to overthrow the behaviours induced by their birth family whereas neither their mother or grandmother had. I think the answer is that nowadays we have more information and documentation about how these behaviours are caused and the communication to spread that information. 20 years ago violence in homes was only just acknowledged, the term 'emotional abuse' didn't exist. 20 years before that violence was acceptable. Mumsnet wasn't around to help us identify and support each other! As a society we are slowly improving I think, despite the occasional throwback and vocal resistance.

Oh yes, and more explicitly - changing standards in society. Physical violence is a line for me, I won't put up with it or dish it out. Wasn't for my mother.

Hi OP, great thread.

I would say that it would 'appear' they feel something in the beginning, but really they don't. They have no empathy. Only a love for controlling.

So when in the beginning, you're head over heels in love with them, they are at their 'best'. Feeds their narcissistic personality. But it changes fast, and when you don't do something they want, out comes the abusive side.

As long as I kept the peace, you'd see the nice side. But I frequently got things 'wrong' even when I was trying so hard not to! In the end, I did everything wrong, so I never stood a chance.

It's the nice/nasty behaviour which is so hard to deal with. Especially with narc parents. Because every child wants to be loved, right?

I don't think they 'feel' anything. They are just after control, and they constantly need things to feed their narcissism; they are emotional vampires.

Am so glad for the internet, or these poisonous people would still be about in my life, and now they're not!!!!

20 years before that violence was acceptable

I know what you really mean NoTechnological, but just want to clarify, physical DV was like sexual harassment at work. Never acceptable, always wrong, but no redress available to the victims.

This piece by John Howell rang a million bells for me. A million.

The Narcissist's Love Letter

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the way I feel when I’m with you.
I love myself through you.

I love seeing myself through your eyes. I love seeing myself through my eyes imagining how I look through your eyes.
I love having someone new to tell my stories to, to express my opinions, and to share my profound theories and beliefs about the important things in life. I love hearing myself say these things as I imagine how they sound to you, and how enthralled with me I imagine you are.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love having someone beautiful to wear, like a new outfit.
I love the way you feel on me.
I love the way I feel about me when you are with me.

When I say I’m in love with you, I love not being alone.
I love not being that tree falling in the forest.
I love having a full-time, personal audience.

When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession.
I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle.
I love being your answer.
I love being the object of your sacrifice.
I love being your pain.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with being your sun, monopolizing your orbit, being your gravity, keeping you drawn back to me no matter how hard you try to jump or fly, keeping you down.
Keeping you mine.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I’m in love with breathing your air, sucking your blood, eating your dreams.
I’m in love with being your drug, your dagger, your suicide note.

When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.

Wow, Lets! That is beautiful. And perfect.

More prosaically, when I asked XH1 'why do you love me?' (I was young - my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) His reply was 'because you love me'.
If only I'd known.

... aaaand, thank you for having one of my favourite words ever in your nickname

OMG I've been struggling with getting my head around my ex's behaviour. A few people have labelled him a narc and I have put that in a box to think about later.

Letstasselate that poem is such an accurate description. Amazing. There wasn't something wrong with me after all.