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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

250 replies

nuttynittynora · 27/07/2015 09:03

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

OP posts:
alongcamespiders · 27/07/2015 23:34

Wankers

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 27/07/2015 23:37

See normally I would say, leave them too it and don't give them the satisfaction of asking BUT they were friends for 3 years and the husbands befriending is odd. I would need to know. There could be who knows what being said!
minty Fancy a bit of competition for the rewrite? Grin I love doing that too.

HoldYerWhist · 27/07/2015 23:39

I'm the Lucy in my situation.

Lifelong friend seems so lovely and adores me, so she says.

Except as I got closer to others in our friendship group I found out about all the shit she's been saying about me.

I'm sure she sees herself as a victim of my suddenly weird behaviour but I won't feed her drama by having a showdown so I just distance myself a little more every day...

It's sad but she's not who I thought she was.

winkywinkola · 27/07/2015 23:54

Why would the husbands de friend you?
This is what makes me think it's a load of old nonsense.

LitreOfTea · 27/07/2015 23:56

Yeh, that's so odd. Would they say to their Hs, well we used to like her and now we don't and you should delete her (even though we haven't)

Confused
Weebirdie · 28/07/2015 06:49

Yep the husbands de-friending the OP does make them come across as a 'shower of shit the beds' as we say in Scotland.

rabbitstew · 28/07/2015 09:03

HoldYerWhist - you don't know who she is because you're not speaking to her. Unless, of course, you happily lapped up her bitchy comments about others when you were her friend, and thus already knew she was like that. In which case, more fool you for thinking it's OK to be a bitch to anyone. And if she wasn't like that with you - more fool you for believing others over someone who thought you were a friend...

SuperFlyHigh · 28/07/2015 09:17

OP - I know this is past but why has this suddenly come up after a year? it's not recent. is it to do with school holidays or something?

I would also, maybe you could ask in a roundabout way your next door neighbour, perhaps they've let something slip to her.

SummerLightning · 28/07/2015 09:20

I want to know, these poems, did they have minions on them?

HoldYerWhist · 28/07/2015 10:17

rabbit I gave a very condensed version of what happened since it's not my thread. Rest assured I wasn't lapping up bitchy comments about other people and I have every reason in the world to believe what I was told about her.

I was giving another side of a similar situation.

I'm sure my 'friend' would be shocked by my pulling away from her because she most likely thought whatever she said wouldn't get back to me. I've also put up with her lies for years and years but decided I'd had enough, which I'm entitled to do.

My point is that if OP has done something similar and they've ended up discussing it then it's a possible explanation.

LitreOfTea · 28/07/2015 10:41

Holdyourwhist, Your post seems very unfair to the OP imo.

It's not another side of a similar situation. It's a different situation. I've backed away from friendships myself, we've all done it, but that's not the same. You're basically labelling the OP a delusional drama queen if you say that this situation is The Same. I don't know why you posted. Perhaps you enjoy the drama of being challenged??

evelynj · 28/07/2015 10:47

I think you should ask outright to them all on fb in the 'so what's up with the freezing out' thing. Say, no probs if you just don't like me, as long as it doesn't affect dc & if I've made some sort of faux pas, I'm unaware so please enlighten me'

Good luck, I think it would be less awkward if you confronted it! And please update x

HoldYerWhist · 28/07/2015 10:50

My point is that if OP has done something similar and they've ended up discussing it then it's a possible explanation

Did you miss the end of my post? ^

You don't know for sure if the op ever ranted to Lucy (for example) about one of the others if she was cross or upset and then Lucy told.

Perhaps you enjoy the drama of being challenged??

Seriously? You post that and I enjoy the drama? Jog on, dear.

autumnleaves123 · 28/07/2015 11:50

I think most people have been dumpers and dumpees at some point or another in our lives. I don't think there is anything wrong in deciding you don't want to know someone anymore. If that person lies to you, betrays your trust and spread rumours about you, you have all right to stop contact and you're not a lesser person for not giving an explanation.

However, the horridness of this situation is the fact that they're doing it maliciously as a gang, and their behaviours show premeditation and intention to hurt.

Walking away from friends is always tricky. But you can walk away with dignity and silence or you can do a Wendy, and spread rumours and be malicious. That's a different story.

When I decided to put some distance with a friend in the past, I never joined a gang to bully her. I walked away and never discussed her with anybody she knew. I stayed away from the friends I made through her too, as I didn't want to create difficult situations. It was a clean as you can walk away, no drama, no other people involved, no gossip. I just didn't think she was worth an explanation any more. Over the years, I saw a lot of bad behaviours from her, from lies, to manipulation, to spreading gossip about me. I didn't owe this person anything any more. I just regret that I lost other people because of her, but if they didn't stand by me, that says it all too.

rabbitstew · 28/07/2015 13:28

I agree, autumnleaves123 - I think the husbands have been far more honest by de-friending the OP. The motives of women who suddenly stopped inviting her out with them, but who love to flaunt the fact that they are still going out together as a group without her are far less savoury. Undoubtedly they are talking behind the OP's back, asking each other why she still hasn't got the message, knowing perfectly well they engineered the whole situation to be like that when they chose to drop her like a stone and post photos of themselves on Facebook together. There is absolutely no excuse for that sort of behaviour. They haven't quietly walked away, they've shouted from the rooftops that the OP is undesirable company.

Fixitwithwine · 28/07/2015 18:23

OP this is playground behaviour and I cant imagine you would want to be back in the circle after this anyway. They are clearly enjoying winding you up and the more you ask the more they will do it. Its classic bullying tactics.

You will find the act of defriending these people very liberating I think.

Original poster
nuttynittynora · 28/07/2015 18:57

I fully accept that friendships change and people move on etc, but I think it's just really mean the way all 3 have handled things and acted towards me. I can honestly think of nothing I've done so upset anyone, and in any case even if I did in error (which I'm pretty sure I haven't), it seems unkind that one has seemingly turned the others and the husbands against me. Believe me, I am really careful not to upset people, and consider myself a decent person. I hate hurting peoples' feelings, excluding people, being unkind about others etc, it's just not my thing.

I have been talking about it today with another good friend and I will just cut my losses with them. As none of them have had the courtesy to even try to talk things over with me and they're rubbing my nose in it they are clearly not very decent people anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
nuttynittynora · 28/07/2015 18:59

Also wanted to add I have other friends apart from these; I generally get on well with people and am well liked. I think that's why this has hit me so hard as I feel like I've done nothing wrong and am just faced with this bullying nastiness.

Thanks everyone for the replies, it's all much appreciated.

OP posts:
rabbitstew · 28/07/2015 19:30

Flowers You don't always have to have done something wrong for people to decide to pick on you. Sometimes it can be because you are too nice, or your child is too clever, or you are too pretty, or too kind, or too happy in your marriage.

AuntyMag10 · 28/07/2015 19:32

There's obviously a reason why 6 people have changed their minds about you. You might not think you've done anything but you will never really known unless you ask. It's really horrible behaviour from them but again there must be a reason.

rabbitstew · 28/07/2015 19:38

It's a question of whether you really want to know what story was concocted about you - who you are supposed to have badmouthed behind their back, or who you tried to flirt with, etc. and what you would want to do about it if you knew.

Original poster
nuttynittynora · 28/07/2015 19:55

Yes there must be a reason AuntyMag I agree, but it's probably a pathetic reason that one of them has invented or imagined (and yes I am leaning towards Lucy doing this)and bleated on about to the others. Bullies don't always need a valid reason to pick on someone.

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 28/07/2015 19:59

I think you should ask them, if anything to let them know that you won't be bullied and their behaviour is being confronted.

autumnleaves123 · 28/07/2015 20:06

There's no point in humiliating yourself even further by asking. As it has been pointed out, the reason is probably as immature as those ladies, and they are very unlikely to tell the truth.

It's adding more wood to the fire when what you should add is water to cool it down. My God, why, why would you ask a question to people who are so worthless of any attention at this point.

The only left to do is to lick one's wounds in private and move on. Focus on other friends and family. There are too many good things in life to be focusing so much on this pathetic troupe.

Teetee34 · 28/07/2015 20:15

I think you should ask.. This happen to me a couple of years back one friend told the other that i talked about her and made me out to be the bad guy!! I guess i did have an opinion but i thought we were all cool.. I never said anything the other friend wouldnt have known so thats probably the case