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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

250 replies

nuttynittynora · 27/07/2015 09:03

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

OP posts:

lordStrange · 27/07/2015 09:23

Nothing useful to add to the advice on here, but that sounds very upsetting.

For some reason the poems feel somewhat PA, so finding better quality friends will take time but serve you well in the future.

nequidnimis · 27/07/2015 09:25

If you don't know what you've done wrong, then you haven't done anything.

This is either a complete misunderstanding or someone maliciously causing trouble.

My first thought, given that their DHs have unfriended you on fb, is that you have been too friendly with one of them, or one of the group has made something up for reasons best known to themselves.

I would send a group email so that they all receive it, which removes the possibility of the recipient embellishing it in any way, and word is similarly to your OP.

The friendships won't be revived but you may get some answers, clear up any misunderstandings and make them think about how badly they've behaved.

If I had to guess I'd say this stemmed from Lucy, being the first one to organise and post night out photos that excluded you

FredaMayor · 27/07/2015 09:31

Absolutely agree with everything nequidnimis has said.

The only consolation I can offer is that you are young enough to make new quality friendships, it becomes harder when you are older.

harryhausen · 27/07/2015 09:33

That's really nasty OP. I agree the fb posts are PA and they do all sound a bit awful

However I would really really want to know. I think the idea of writing them all a group email/WhatsApp etc so they all receive it at the same time is a good one. Write that you're aware something's gone very wrong. You'd always tried to be a good friend and are confused. You don't think thing will go back to how they were but if they could simply tell you why then you can walk off into the sunset in peace etc.

I really hope you get an answer. You sound lovely OP. Xx

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself · 27/07/2015 09:36

Ask Lucy.

BrixtonQueen · 27/07/2015 09:42

Sorry OP, but they are not nice people. And I do not think there is any point in asking, I doubt you'll get any truth or straightforwardness. You didn't do anything. Either they are just nasty and decided to turn on you, or one made something up and turned the others on you, or a husband fancied you. Whatever it is, they won't be straight, look at their shifty behaviour, that's them. Unfriendly them on fb. Say a friendly 'hi' as you pass them at the gates, but other than that, move on, forget them. Take care

SuperFlyHigh · 27/07/2015 09:48

as nequid says it is that scenario i think...

also I think either one of the DH's has also maybe mentioned to his DW (either for a confidence boost or you've ignored him if he's a flirt) that 'nutty' has come onto me/made a pass at me... that would then set the cat amongst the pigeons.

are you single? attractive?

or it seems like another woman has turned on you for some reason.

Cast your mind back to a year ago, can you think of anything that may have caused them to behave like this?

Smorgasboard · 27/07/2015 09:49

Just wondered if your username could have something to do with it. Some mums might be 'funny' about a perceived source of head-lice?

Mika27 · 27/07/2015 09:52

OP, has anything happened on holidays with Lucy and her family? Maybe from her DH? It is also possible that he made things up about you to Lucy and now everyone thinks you are at fault. Why don't you really send them an email but not just Lucy but all of them? Don't tell them you want to be friends again like before. All you want is to find out what had upset them to exclude you from their friendship circle.

Weebirdie · 27/07/2015 09:55

My first thought, given that their DHs have unfriended you on fb, is that you have been too friendly with one of them, or one of the group has made something up for reasons best known to themselves.

I also think one of the husbands is in this up to his neck. Not that the OP's actually had to do anything to warrant being ostracised. It could just be that one of the husbands has a vivid imagination.

pictish · 27/07/2015 10:02

Gosh poor you, you have my sympathy...sounds hurtful and very upsetting!

I think you need to ask outright. Ask Lucy and be firm. "Okay, so it's obvious I'm out of the gang, but would you do me the courtesy of telling me why, because I am baffled?!"

bydaytisbright · 27/07/2015 10:08

Same thing happened to me. Same number of women/mums, all lived in the same village. Used to let ourselves into each other's houses to make tea, spend time together as families. While it was happening I really thought wow this is it! This is the ideal I always wanted.

Then overnight (literally) the one I was closest to started being distant (unavailable) I asked her if everything was okay and she insisted that everything was fine, to the point I looked stupid asking anymore, even though her behaviour dramatically changed. A few days later, all the others became the same as her. Unavailable, non committal, all communication just stopped.

Pictures appeared on Facebook of Christmas and new year that they spent together, drinks down the local pub, carol service at the church with the DCs, albums on FB went up called "the best night ever - new year shenanigans" featuring pics of them all and their DH's in stupid hats and costumes at one of their houses.

I have tried various tactics. After a while, I asked, again, the one I was closest to and she told me that she was "really busy these days ." This made no sense to me as nothing had changed! Neither her nor my circumstances!

I assumed the others had just followed tack with her, but one of them became quite openly hostile (ignoring me on the street etc.) I asked her about this as we had also been close, and she completely denied that she ignored me.

The other, when I asked her used to listen to how upset I was about it all but not say anything, or say "you know what they're like." Then I realised she was probably reporting back what I'd said about the other two, to them, and it almost gave them a legitimate reason to not speak to me.

I couldn't get an answer out of anyone and it came to a head when the one I was closest to got married (to her DP who I knew.) I didn't get invited. I was so upset that I asked her again and said what the hell have I done we were so close, what happened? She said that it was a close wedding of family friends and they could not invite everyone they wanted to. Which was not rude because their wedding was 250 people!

People told me to defriend them but I very much wanted all the hostile behaviour to be in their court to show that there was nothing I had done. Eventually the one I was closest to defriended me!

Sorry to blab on about myself but I am just showing you how you may never get an answer and even well worded questions and enquiries don't seem to resolve anything.

StillFrankie · 27/07/2015 10:11

Its definitely something to do with their DHs. I don't have anyone's DH on my FB friends list, its weird TBH. As PP have asked, are you single? Perhaps they feel worried you will try it on with their DHs?

I'd just delete them all from FB and find some new friends and don't add anyone's DH on Facebook!

Original poster

nuttynittynora · 27/07/2015 10:19

Wow thank you all Iso very much for the replies. I'm sorry to hear some of you have been through a similar thing :(

To answer a few questions;

Nope not single; have been with DH for 13 years and very happily married. The DH's all added me on FB because we all socialised together at times so I considered the DHs to be my friends too.

I haven't asked them as I've always been of the school of thought of not showing people that they've upset you, and I've been trying and trying to tell myself that they are not worth it and that if they were true friends they would not just cut me off without a word and rub it in my face like this.

OP posts:

LeonardoAcropolis · 27/07/2015 10:25

I do sympathise Why not ask the one you were closest to what their problem is? if the answer's 'nothing', say that you have noticed that change in their behaviour to you and you are not stupid. Hopefully that will give closure, and you can direct your energy to some lovely new friends

BrixtonQueen · 27/07/2015 10:26

They won't tell you anything truthful if you ask them, there is usually some nasty explanation to this sort of thing: an imagined slight, a DH who fancies you, jealousy etc. Nasty people don't just admit this stuff, they deny anything is wrong or lie. Put it behind you, there are other mums around to be friendly with. Your neighbour? Try to see if there are others you like or might enjoy chatting to and move on. Delete them from fb.

sensiblesometimes · 27/07/2015 10:26

Very hurtful ...ask them why to help your understanding ...but then move on ...and delete them from FB it will just prolong your hurt to see their stupid posts .

Phoenix0x0 · 27/07/2015 10:31

OP you sound lovely and what a horrible situation. It is very hurtful.

I am inclined to think that even if you sent an email/wats app message, I doubt you will hear anything back. The only thing it will do, is torture you further, e.g you will be constantly checking your email/phone to see if they have deemed to respond.

The fact that their DH's have blocked you but they haven't speaks volumes. Also, the fact that everyone else but you gets invited to events speaks volumes also. It's like they are purposely being nasty with the 'my friends are so great blah blah blah' and want to turn the knife in. Like others have said very passive/aggressive and may I just say a tad childish.

All I can suggest is that you block them on FB before they do it to you, stop being friendly and speaking when you meet, just ignore them and back off completely. If your neighbour says 'I went out with x,y and z' say 'that's nice, Oo did you hear that the school is organising x'....basically steer the conversation onto a more neutral topic.

This will do one of two things. You will either just continue ignore each other and you will move on and find some nice, kind friends; or they will be taken back with you taking back control and giving the 'I don't give a fuck attitude'!

PeppaWellington · 27/07/2015 10:33

do you think there might have been something going on at school with your children, that you don't know about ? Maybe your dc has been at odds with theirs.

Also - and I'm sorry to say this - this exact scenario is going on with a group I know (I'm on the periphery and not one of the freezers) because the ostracised woman's dh has been trying it on with one of the other women. The details you've given don't make me suspect it's you btw! But the wife has no idea, it's very sad, and I am not in a position to tell her.

PeppaWellington · 27/07/2015 10:35

I also think you need to corner Lucy (nicely) and beg her to tell you wtf has been going on, face to face.

Bostin · 27/07/2015 10:39

Just a note of caution. If you do start ignoring them they are likely to tell everyone that this is the reason why you are no longer friends.
You can't really win I am afraid, but no decent person behaves like this. You are the better person here, remember that.

Fugghetaboutit · 27/07/2015 10:40

I'd ask them. Get Lucy round or call her and ask her. Tell her to be honest so you can move on.

MagpieCursedTea · 27/07/2015 10:41

Have they unfriended your DH too?
I'd ask Lucy to get some closure but otherwise ditch them all and move on. They don't deserve your friendship.

Mika27 · 27/07/2015 10:41

All I can suggest is that you block them on FB before they do it to you

Here. I hope you find new true friends. These are trash.

Bakeoffcake · 27/07/2015 10:46

Why don't you just ask them?

Something has obviously happened, it might be someone has made up a pack of lies about you, but I'd want to know.

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