Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

[nuttynittynora]

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

Sorry meant to say "She did apologise for being grumpy..."

I'm sure she will ask what the problem is. Personally, I wouldn't pursue someone who didn't reply to a text. I like my personal space, and I don't like to feel overwhelmed in a friendship. Perhaps I'm just unsociable! I also really bothered by her views on race - but how do I tell her that??

Yes, that's good advice autumnleaves. Maybe a gradual phasing out - and I shall challenge any views I don't agree with! I almost feel like I'm being stalked by her though.

There was a time when I would want to know what had happened/try to keep relationships going but now i don't bother.

I now work on the assumption that friends come and go. Some stay for a long time and some stay for only a short time. Let them go. You sound like a decent person. Perhaps you are too nice?! When you create a space in your life bigger and better things tend to appear.

I also deleted my Facebook account. Who needs sodding friendship poems?! I think you had a lucky escape personally!

I'd be so tempted to do this:
DoreenLethal
I'd probably post something like 'Friendship poems? Wow - makes me glad you lot are freezing me out. Lucky escape! Hope you all have a great summer, I know I will'.

But I'd probably do what pictish suggested and say "i feel I've been frozen out and it's blatantly obvious I'm not being invited to things - is anyone going to be big enough to explain why?" - I'd send it to all 3 as well, not just Lucy as division and secrecy gives power (i.e. if one person has been unfair about you, they still get the opportunity to do that if you only ask one of the three what the problem is).

As previous posters have said, you might not get a truthful answer, but at least you'll make them squirm.

Yes I'm probably a bad and petty person, but I'm in that kind of mood today (had to be in work at stupid o'clock for a meeting which was then cancelled).

wortleberry - You don't necessarily need to tell her that you are bothered by her views on race, but if she is the sort of person who does not get the message from failures to reply to texts, which if she pops round randomly with vitamins, she probably isn't, then you have to be prepared to talk to her. It seems to me that your biggest issue with her as a friend is, actually, her lack of respect for your personal space and that you find her company a bit overwhelming. The latter half of the previous sentence at least doesn't accord blame, it's just the way you feel! You don't need to add that she is overwhelming to the extent that when her personal views offend you, you daren't say anything. Normally, with people who need to understand what the problem is and want to know what they have "done wrong," the answers come out in order of acceptability, following a period of gradual withdrawing, starting with the least hurtful... particularly if they haven't actually done anything wrong, their company just isn't compatible with your idea of a good friendship. Most people don't need the complete list, just an honest if not complete response!

You might even find you do have the courage to challenge her on her views on race.

Maybe she won't want to be friends with someone who doesn't share her views on race! Then she can drop you.

This is great rabbitstew! Thank you. Tried discussing all this with my partner this morning and got a - grunt?? I'm going to start posting on here all the time!

In fact - I think I feel like writing a poem to you all!!

A few years ago I started to live by a fairly simple rule that I should avoid people who make my life more difficult than it needs to be. When I made that decision I had a few old uni ?mates? in mind. These people were borderline toxic and on reflection did not really value my company with much high regard and it is fair enough to assume that if they did they would not have been so rubbish/unreliable/two faced. It?s easy to be nostalgic and ever forgiving with people you have known a long time but people do change over the years and iif they are now constantly letting you down and making you feel crap then just cut them loose. Don?t worry about their feelings as they don?t really seem that fussed by yours. Concentrate your efforts on those people who have brought you joy and proven to be more loyal and trustworthy. Life is too short, strike out and meet new people and for gods sake don't start tapping them up on facebook asking why they are behaving the way they are or trying to establish closure of some sorts. You will just come across as desperate and needy, something else they can bitch about when they meet up. They have made their views clear, stop dancing to their tune, take control and move on.

Great post, Pan

2nd that, good post Pan

If I were the OP, I'd want to know what was going on.

Although I do think Pan makes a good point, about cutting people out of your life if they bring you down. I'd still be curious to know the underlying cause though.

If you ask them why the answer might be 'well it was what you said about X/ X's child/ X's DH' - who knows? Then you will be embroiled in another fracas as you try to deny whatever it is they've made up or that they claim you've done.

Move on. Make it your challenge to look cheerful and relaxed whenever you see one of them.

Three is a crap number for friendship groups. Just bide your time til their next fall out and feel relieved it isn't you.

Reading this thread has reminded me that I never fared well with friendship groups, and my current friends are generally 1-2-1 friendships which seems to work far better for me.

I was never really into group friendships - they are always complicated by little jealousies, or some members of the group trying to hive off into little cliques where they have special friends within the group and then try to squeeze out those that were only ever "group" friends, rather than special friends etc. They inevitably end up shrinking and then falling apart over the space of a few years as more and more people end up getting picked off by the little clique at the centre (who then end up falling out themselves, and spend the next few years bitching about each other in exceptionally nasty ways, leaving those who dropped by the wayside years earlier quite relieved to have escaped early). They can be OK while they last, if they serve a purpose - eg people with children of a similar age who can meet up in cafes or soft play areas, or at each others' houses - but they do just serve a temporary purpose, really.

There's lots of wisdom on MN. This thread is a example of that

a phrase I head once, that I really liked, is "your best friends are the friends who bring out the best in you".

if these people are not bringing out the best in you - no matter how much 'fun' they are to be with then I would say move on.

That's excellent advise, Catsrus.

I have the same problem at work. I was originally in a group chat about going out to bowling. I'd invited a girl that one friend absolutely hated which I had no idea about. I knew she was a fan but not to any hateful degree. But I wasn't about to invite one person because of one person not liking them seeing as it was a department night out. The girl left the group in a fit of pettiness. We spike face to face and was fine with me so I thought nothing more of it. I thought everything was going well for me until I noticed my friends all having in jokes but how could they when they weren't all on the same shifts. It seemed so odd that so many knew about the same joke until yesterday when I found out I'm the only one not on a massive group chat. Apparently the person who put the group together Just didn't put me on. Yet not one person even my supposedly close friends thought to have me on there. Random ppl are on there but not me. I have never felt so ostracized in all my life at 31. I didn't think they would be so harsh yet when I brought it up they all thought nothing of it. I'm starting to feel like I'm invisible. That I don't matter. School wasn't this harsh. Just wish one person I worked with actually could see me rather then through me.

Thread is 4 years old.

This is driving me nuts and could do with some input. Have 2 friends (shall call them Dawn and Hazel)who were never particularly close but have been over the last couple of years. Dawn and I were very close but not so much over recent years. I noticed over the last couple of months that Dawn and Hazel were arranging nights out etc with other mutual friends but excluding me. I did ask them why and was told they didn’t think I would go but if I saw they were going out to let them know I would like to go. I didn’t feel comfortable with this (am not going to beg!)so made friends with other girlsI had lost touch with and we have great times together. My issue is that Dawn keeps texting telling me what she has been doing and asking to meet up. I have politely declined and keep texts very simple and short (not rude!). Question is how do I keep refusing her? I have told her that I don’t consider the way I have been treated as fair and that their behaviour did upset me. I’ve said we can still be friendly but things will never be the same again, so time to move on. She still texts and doesn’t seem to take on board what I am saying. It sounds ridiculous but her texting makes me feel quite anxious, what is the best way to deal with situation?

Bloody hell!

@Needadvice - start your own thread... you'll get more responses

This thread is FOUR YEARS OLD!