Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

[nuttynittynora]

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

I had similar ages ago with sme friends and politely confronted one. I just got told "oh sorry, didn't mean to not invite you, we'll invite you next time". Which they never did.

I think if I'm honest I'm a bit too square for them. They're my age but have rediscovered a love for going out night clubbing. Which if they want to do in their 40s that's fine, but it's not my thing. So I accept that they have more in common and have therefore got closer while ive drifted apart. It's fine, I found new friends who I have more in common with.

I personally wouldn't confront them.

They don't want to be friends with you and have all three colluded to simultaneously freeze you out. Really immature and bitchy. I can see you will wonder why they did this, but nothing can come of asking them as you surely don't want to go back to how things were. Even if they say, oh we froze you out over X incident and then you say that X incident didn't happen like that or something, you don't (or shouldn't) actually want to be friends with this bunch of bitches after the way they have behaved. I'd delete them all from your Facebook. If they actually asked you why, you could just give them the line that you were having a cull.

I would remain polite as far as you can but I wouldn't engage any further. Or want to go back to how things were.

Delete and block them from FB.

Tbh, you should have asked a long time ago, when you first saw the Facebook photos, as you knew at that point that something had gone badly wrong. It does not look needy to do this unless you burst into tears while doing the asking... and to worry about looking needy, in any event, is to be insecure already about whether they were ever true friends of yours. Not to ask merely opened the possibility that you knew what you'd done wrong and were too embarrassed to talk about it; or that you didn't care enough about the friendship to ask what you had done to hurt your "friends."

The only way you could ask Lucy why, now, is as a matter of interest to a former close friend - no point pretending she is a current friend, as she quite clearly isn't, despite being a neighbour.

You should ask Lucy but it's worth noting that perhaps you are doing something or acting in a way that the girls don't like. Of course you can act or say what you want but it might come at a price.

You are obviously doing something they don't like - but what? Is it about your DC, your dh, are you boastful, whiney?

Similarly it is possible that they are jealous, are you slimmer, prettier or richer? If not then refer to the above....

Good luck with it all

I really would not bother. They can't be unaware as they are all three ignoring you. I would delete them from your facebook and move on. They really are not worth the hassle.

Oh, and be careful not to trip over the broomstick and cauldron on your way to her front door when you go to ask.

If it were me I'd go through a self checklist first to try and think of anything that could have offended them. Them ask another friend if you have any annoying traits and make them be honest! Such as do you exaggerate, gossip, talk about one topic to much, need constant reassurance, ask for too many favours etc. Failing that I'd ask them outright.

I think there must be something. Are you prettier or richer than them. Sorry to ask but people can be so immature. The point is that if you ask them outright it's quite likely they won't be honest. I agree that you have to move on and find other friends.

There may well be something that they think you've done or not done

But really, it's irrelevant, because good people would not cut you off suddenly: they'd talk to you about it.

It's horrible and can really pull the rug from under your feet, something like this. Find yourself some new friends.

I wouldn't worry abput appearing weak or needy if you do ask what the hell's going on. That's not needy: it just shows you're human.

The only way to know what has happened is to ask outright. Its possibly the hardest thing to do, but in the long run it will be easier than wondering and being - quite naturally - bothered by it.

Speculation, or cutting them off isn't going to get you the understanding you want.

If you've accepted that the friendships are over based on the way that they've treated you so far, knowing what its all about would at least give you some sort of closure before you move on.

Speak to the person who lives local to you. You only have to say that you've always wondered why things changed. There's always a reason somewhere, even if its an unfair reason.

It sounds like a group of bitchy women who have a mob mentality. I've been there. It's shit.
You are torturing yourself by pondering the whatifs and whys and as this is their shit here, not yours, you ought to ask what is going on. Just to clear your own head.

If I were you, next time you bump into one of these women when on her own, ask if you've offended them, explain how you have been feeling by their behaviour. It's not about rekindling friendships but about dishing their shit back at them. Ignorance is the worst type of bullying and women unfortunately are professionals at it.
Chin up xx

OP this is horrible but unfortunately all too common. Not wanting to make light of the situation but if I were you I might link my FB page to that song 'Somebody that I used to know' by Gaultier and then defriend these people and then if I saw them around I would just do the bare minimum of acknowledging them and make no attempt to converse with them.

I know it feels horrible now but they are the losers here if this is the best they can do.

Don't ask them i.e. give them the power.

They're shit ex-friends. Just block on socmed, go forth and be happy :)

Ooooh, op, you must be SO tempted to write a friendship poem on one of their timelines!

I would - you've got nothing to lose. They sound very unpleasant. Have a last hoorah and then wash your hands of them.

Give us an example of one of those hideous-sounding friendship poems and I'll happily "adapt" it for you .

I wouldn't ask any questions, wouldn't engage with them at all. What is the point? They don't sound like people who will be honest and tell you the truth anyway.

As I said in a previous thread, there was probably an element of envy in this, probably coming from your closest friend, Lucy.

Maybe a husband mentioned you were nice or hot, or they hinted that they liked you. Either way, you'll never know. All you know now is that they are nasty, hurtful bitches, not worth your time or mind space anymore.

I know it's a lot easier said than done and you are grieving their friendship and the good times, but try to move on. Ignore FB, remove yourself from that evil site, live in the real world, and don't give up trying to make good friends.

Someone unthread mentioned something about circulating British First or some other dodgy stuff. Might you have done this without realising? I recently distanced myself from a nice but clearly dim friend I had known since my eldest (8) was tiny over something like this. I doubt they are truly prejudiced but I have to say I was rather disappointed that they hadn't bothered to look behind the meme or catchy slogan they were circulating. I just didn't want those sort of people in my life.

Chances are you might never find out OP and even if you did, it's most likely something completely trivial (except perhaps circulating hateful stuff) poor made up/hearsay. Whilst it hurts, take it on the chin, hold your head high and live well. That is the best revenge and in time, it won't hurt as much.

I also wanted to add that when people I used to be ok with start being mean or treating me in shitty way, I stop thinking of them as people and they become "a bundle of meat with eyes"'. I know it sounds silly, but it really works for me.

Picture them like that OP, and what they do or don't will hurt less.

"I agree that you have been scuppered by a husband as they have probably been instructed to remove you by jealous wives"

My first thought was that someone, probably one of the husbands, has been spreading rumours about the OP. If they believed said rumours without asking you they aren't worth it as friends.

Personally I wouldn't email them to ask, as it leaves an evidence trail they can share and bitch about. I might ask them, but they'll lie and you'll have to read between the lines. I think if you bide your time, eventually it will come out.

In the meantime, defriend and block on FB. Deactivate your account for a while and if asked just say "I had some problems with some odd stalkers I didn't like". As a friend of mine pointed out to me in a similar situation "when people like that don't like you, you know you're doing something right".

It's a sad fact of life but I do think as you get older friends do drift out of your life. The really good ones stay.

Cherish the friends and family you have and try really hard not to overthink this. I have recently had to accept a friendship of mine is over due to her unacceptable behaviour and lies. I've talked to her numerous times and come to the conclusion she isn't going to change. So I'm treating it like a break up. I've deleted her on Facebook etc and will try to remember the good times. I wish her well but I'd rather spend my time and effort with people who care about me. I hope you feel better soon.

"a bundle of meat with eyes"

If they believed said rumours without asking you they aren't worth it as friends.

Totally agree with Gabilan. Any one of them could have asked you about whatever it is, but they haven't. They've taken the coward's way out and are following each other like sheep.

If someone was spreading unpleasant rumours about me, I'd want to know, and I'd trust that a good friend would tell me. I've seen that some people advise others not to tell the person gossiped about as it would be hurtful to hear, but IMO it's far more hurtful to get the cold shoulder and have no idea why.

I had a version of this happen in my former workplace. It basically came down to the two resident queen bees feeling threatened by me - I was good at my job and they were used to being in the limelight. I didn't do anything wrong - it was all about their insecurities. I remained politely friendly and had a happy life outside work. My career soared and they stayed in the same old place. Living well is the best revenge and all that. You will never understand the 'mean girl' mentality if you're not riddled with that need to be part of the gang. Just don't give it any more thought.

Don't ask them, don't give them the satisfaction. Delete them from fb. Be civil, curt and brief if you see them in real life but otherwise have no contact. Grieve for their friendships privately then move on and try to make new friends.